Megarace 2 Cut Scene Videos (Lance Boyle is a God!)

Megarace 2 was one of my favorite DOS racing games from the 90s. Sure, the AI in the game was really cheap (think of the catch up option always ON for the computer opponents only) but it had a unique style that in my opinion made it the best game of the entire Megarace series. Part of that style was the hilariously funny videos that were used as cut scenes before and after battles.

megarace 2 lance boyle and girl

These cut scenes consisted of Lance Boyle, the game’s host, and always his lovely assistant which either is a different clone every time or Lance is enough of a dick that he never remembers her name or calls her a random woman’s name just to troll her. If you’ve never seen it before press play and prepare to have your mind blown. Here are all the Megarace 2 cut scene videos!

You know that just became your favorite cheesy game scene set in a dystopian future!

Sex and Video Game Ads

Sex and Video Game Ads

Put a pretty face in front of something we are trying to sell and watch the masses come a running. That is the idea behind the sales model for the most part. When you look at a beer ad, you are not just seeing a sexy girl or guy trying to get you one step closer to alcoholism. You are being sold the idea of a fun sexy lifestyle that comes with drinking cheap beer just like those Pepsi commercials from back in the day showing old people drinking it and acting like teenagers.

When it came to classic game ads you have to remember most of the time these were being sold to store owners who drank that cheap beer and watched those same commercials so the same marketing campaign applied. That and males dominated gaming back then so a sexy girl on a magazine flyer just worked on the most basic level. However, some of these just look crazy now, or maybe not and you are printing these out and heading off to the bathroom.

Bottom of the Ninth

Bottom-of-the-Ninth

Here we have the perfect combination of pretty down to earth, girl next door and the great American boring pastime Baseball. For the younger readers, again, you have to remember, this ad is more for someone purchasing an arcade cabinet. So the key here is to sell the features to an older guy who most likely hates kids, but wishes he could lure the sexy young girl into his seedy roadside bar.

Devastators

Devastators

War, what is it good for? The answer is a stiffy and for selling the Konami arcade game, Devastators. Now sexy women and military hardware have gone hand in hand for a long time. In fact, companies that sell weapons and vehicles to the military often used sexy models in their presentations. You would think that would not been needed considering it’s not like its open to the public and there are other militaries, but maybe the new Stealth Bomber we use was picked because the girl they selected to show it off had the best cans. You got to love the big hair women had back in the day.

Hard Yardage

Hard-Yardage

Are you ready for some innuendo? Seriously, just look at the image for a bit, do you really learn anything about the game from it. Sure, there would be more documentation and the cabinet itself, but here we have three sexy ladies with their come hither looks on their faces and three NFL logo’s above them, oh and the word hard and the word yard. I hope you guys have the goods.

Dark Adventure

Dark-Adventure

Hey look, this one has two guys in it and a monkey! Well, at least this one looks like they took the time to stage it down at the local haunted house and even got the regional fifth place runner up beauty queen to appear in the ad. All jokes aside, at least here you have the overall feel of the game and some screenshots of the gameplay at the bottom which is more than I can say for most of the ads. Honestly, having a pretty girl here is fine, we all expect that in any television show or movie so why not an ad about a video game. I actually like this one.

Vendetta

Vendetta

I love this because it is classic. Sure, we have the pretty girl with the big hair, but if you know the classic game, this pretty much is what it is about. You have the default male in the jeans and t-shirt fighting against the leather wearing punks on the streets of Crime City. I personally loved Vendetta so having played it as a kid and now seeing this ad it really fits the game well from the punk rocker pink in the background to her razor bladed slashed jeans it paints the perfect picture. Well done.

Overall, we know a lot of guys will drool over a pretty face and soon after that drain their bank accounts and marketing firms know that as well oh and ladies don’t think it doesn’t work on you either because it does. While for gamers today it takes a bit more than just that to sell us a product, sex still sells and most likely forever will.

Sex Sells Video Games

[youtube id=”PEuKHjFjMII” width=”633″ height=”356″]

I’m sure the above ad is all about the brain teasers only. Right! ~J.A. Laraque

Sex Sells Video Games

We all know sex sells, all you have to do is watch any kind of advertising long enough and you will see it and when it comes to advertising to men, you can be sure that having a pretty lady showcasing the product is always thought of as a plus.

Strangely enough, as much as gamers can be lured in by a pretty face and over exaggerated breasts, today, that is no longer enough for us to buy a game. Whereas ads of the past could showcase a pretty girl in front of almost anything and be considered a good marketing strategy it is almost looked upon as insulting to do so now.

Sexy Everquest Ad

The infamous Everquest ad with the two models received a lot a backlash whereas twenty years prior it would have been accepted as the norm.You can’t blame marketers for placing pretty women next to products they want men to buy, that has been working for a long time just look at any car show or trade show for that matter. So it is no surprise that early video game ads pretty much were the exact same thing.

Here are some examples.

Strike Zone

Strike-Zone

Consider that in all likelihood she has no idea what this thing is and maybe the ad agency doesn’t either. There are no screenshots of actual gameplay either; I mean the cabinet is off for the love of Zod.

Space Race

Space-Race

These are your standard “presentation poses” where you just stand in place no matter what is there be it an arcade game, car or missile. The point is, pretty girl + product = cash.

Outer Drive

Outer-Drive

This reminds me of those “You can be rich too” commercials. The reason being is the game has none of these women in it if you win the race so it’s kind of a letdown. Just look how excited that girl is about that exploding champagne bottle, my girlfriend used to look at me like that.

A Jax

A-Jax

I kid you not, I have been to gun shows where you see this for real. Ladies dressed in less than this holding or leaning against guns and all other kinds of weapons of mass destruction. Again, we have the actual gameplay very small here, it’s all about the T&A.

Moon War

Moon-War

This has to be a troll right? I mean serious you think we photoshoped this or this is an April Fools ad. A game about a war on a moon and a girl “mooning” us, but no, this is one of the real ads and that is a real nice ass.

There are many more ads just like this and in the next installment we will be bringing you more so stay tuned!

Things to do with an NES cartridge

Things to do with an NES cartridge

Who would have thought there were so many things we could do with an NES cartridge besides playing games or throwing them at our sister. Here we have a number of awesome uses for the NES carts including:

The NES cartridge Clock

The NES cartridge Clock

You spent way too much time playing games, now you can better keep track of time with this very geeky clock. When both hands point at Mario you enter the Rainbow Bridge.

The NES cartridge Harmonica

The NES cartridge Harmonica

How many NES games left you singing the blues? Now you play them on your very own NES harmonica. I think this should be a key item in the next Zelda.

The NES cartridge External Hdd

The NES cartridge External Hdd

Need a place to hold all those NES ROMS well look no further than this cool completely functioning external disc drive. Using the Gold Zelda cart is a bonus for the bling factor. By the way, did you know the gold Zelda cart was considered common and the grey cart was considered rare?

The NES cartridge NES

The NES cartridge NES

This is the video game equivalent to the Turducken. I mean playing a NES within an NES cart must break some laws of science or something. I am waiting for the home with NES carts for every appliance and furniture.

The NES cartridge Ring

The NES cartridge Ring

Now you have that perfect ring to present to the girl about to turn down your marriage proposal. I think world record holders of NES games should get a ring made from the cart of the game they hold the record in and all gamers are required to kiss it.

The NES bandwagon

This was a case of Nintendo jumping on its own bandwagon. So do you want to know what this is? It is a cheap piece of plastic that holds your NES controller. ~J.A. Laraque

The NES bandwagon

When the NES really hit its stride everyone wanted a game on it or an accessory for it. It was like creating a commercial that could be played 24 hours a day directly to a kid’s brain. Seriously, as much as I was into NES and their games I did not know about half of the companies that rushed out a game just so they could say they have a title on the NES and that goes for accessories as well. Here is a small list of games and accessories that jumped in when they probably should have stayed out.

Barbie

Barbie - NES

This was the perfect example of a game executive saying that we need a “game for girls” and what else represents the modern girl than Barbie right? This game was just bad and kind of insulting. The whole game is Barbie dreaming about being invited to some Fantasy Ball and she has nothing to wear and has to travel to places like the Mall World to get clothes and accessories for her outfit so she can impress Ken. How do you lose? You have to avoid obstacles, like breaking your heels I guess, and if you hit too many you wake up and return to the awful reality that is Barbie’s life, oh wait.

NES Speed Board

NES Speedboard

This was a case of Nintendo jumping on its own bandwagon. So do you want to know what this is? It is a cheap piece of plastic that holds your NES controller. Now the idea was you could press buttons faster, but then again look at the picture on the box. You can’t even hold the controller right, so I guess if you are an Ape this is a good thing, but for any self-respecting gamer it is a piece of crap. For shame Nintendo, for shame!

Where’s Waldo

Wheres Waldo - NES

More like where is the integrity of the Nintendo seal of quality? Here you have Where’s Waldo which in the 90’s was a very popular book. Just on its face the idea of turning it into a video game was bad since you pretty much just looked for Waldo in a maze of people and objects on a page. In the game you are trying to send Waldo to the moon which I guess makes sense since the moon is pretty baron and Waldo is probably suffering some form of stress from always being surrounded by so many people akin to a hoarder trapped in their home. The major issue here was the graphics which were so bad you often could never tell Waldo from the other sprites on the level. This was most certainly a graphically challenged bandwagon game.

U-Force NES Controller

u_force_controller_nes

Strangely enough the Wii most likely came from this accessory, but back in 1989 when this came out it was bad. The idea behind the U-Force was that you could be part of the game using infrared technology to read your hand and body movements. One of the games it was supposed to be so awesome with was Mike Tyson’s Punchout where you were to feel like you were really fighting. The problem was even the main game hardly played well and most other NES titles could not work at all with the U-Force. This really was the type of controller that was created just so you could waste your money on it and impress your friends for the five seconds they looked at it. Yes, it “looked” cool, but once you played it, it was complete crap.

There are a ton more games and accessories including a list of accessories I found in places like grocery stores and gas stations so keep checking back for the next installment.

Video Game Character Dating Profiles: Joy

You should message me if: You can handle my “climax mode”.~Joy

Video Game Character Dating Profiles: Joy

This is what happens when you wake up at 3am after going to bed at 1am and not getting more than 4 hours sleep within the last three days. I present to you, Joy’s OK Cupid profile.

joy

Name: Joy

Occupation:  Angel\Fappathon Material

Likes: Dodging bullets, Threesomes, Contortionists, Singing Hymns

Dislikes: Atheists, Other women not named Joy, “Wooden Horses”

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNkKQ_ANV3Y[/youtube]

My Self Summary: I’m just a fun loving girls who likes to sing to her daddy during the day and bend into pretzels at night. People think I have a multiple personality disorder, but those are just my sisters who never give me a moment’s peace. I am a huge fan of the Matrix movies.

What I’m doing with my life: I am in a renaissance period where I am exploring myself by imitating others. I love to pretend I am other people. Okay, truth be known I have only impersonated one other person and it did not work out well. Everyone is a critic.

I’m really good at: Singing, Dancing, Bending over backwards, Avoiding things flying at my face (most of the time).

The first things people usually notice about me: My lack of shame. The others told me my entrance was too slutty, but they are just jealous bitches. My name is Joy not Sister Mary Kate and with a body crafted by Ukrainian gymnast it would be a crime not to show it off.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music and Food: There is only one book I ready and if you cannot guess it I doubt we will match up well. As far as music I like only my own singing and sorry, what the hell is food?

The six things I could never do without: My two sisters, Glucosamine and Ghondroitin, Skin tight clothing and go-go boots.

I spend a lot of time thinking about: My chapter placement in that book in Bayonetta and the fact that if you translate the script written under my name it says “NSFW”.

On a typical Friday night I am: Dancing in my Bayonetta costume with my sisters and practicing my moaning.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit: There is a light show everytime I orgasm.

I’m looking for:

  • Guys who likes freaks
  • Ages 18 to (How do you put the infinity sign here?)
  • Near Heaven
  • New friends, Activity (gymnastics) partners, Long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long distance dating.

You should message me if: You can handle my “climax mode”.

You should NOT message me if: You like Torture attacks.

Interested? Go ahead… Send her a message

The Gamers Guide to Sex

The Gamers Guild to Sex - Gamer Girl

Like with the Interruption, Multitasking can lead to trouble if attempted at the wrong time. Perhaps in the normal world there is no wrong time for sex. This is not the normal world. ~J.A. Laraque

The Gamers Guide to Sex

In the past, the stereotype was that gamers were either 90-pound pale virgins or 500-pound pale virgins. Today the virgin part is a little less true thanks to the wonders of internet communication and desperation. So now, you have a partner, hopefully someone who shares in your gaming habits or at least tolerates them enough to still sleep with you. This isn’t about sex in video games. You need to know how to navigate gaming and sex and understand all the terms, tricks and tips that go along with it.

A.F.K. Sex

The Gamers Guild to Sex - AFK Sex

Most of the time A.F.K Sex is a mistyping where you meant to type either sec. Sometimes it is a played out joke or a cry for attention.  However, there are those who engage in the quickie between games and you can either feel good for them that they are having sex or bad that it is so quick. One pro tip is if you are on Ventrilo make sure to turn off your microphone or it can get really embarrassing.

The A.F.K. Sex really only works if both parties are gamers or your partner really likes a quickie. Lovemaking should be the journey not the destination, but when there are two gamers and a break in-between raids you get the good when you can get it in.

The Interruption

The Gamers Guild to Sex - The Interruption

Surprise sex can be fun when it is wanted and legal. However, with the gamer it can go 50/50. Here are a few examples. You are playing a console game and your girlfriend is frisky and begins pushing your buttons. It is a simple matter to pause the game and have a little non-digital fun. On the flip side, you are a gamer girl in the middle of your StarCraft 2 tournament match and your boyfriend is poking at your boobs. This is a bad time and because of his bad timing he will most likely earn a faction loss which just might result in him getting no sex even once you are doing with your game.

The key here is communication. You want to read the signals and know the game before you make your move. For the most part if you can pause the game you have the green light, but this can depend on various situations as well. With online gaming, unless they are sitting in an inn or some other safe zone its best to ask before just jumping in.

Multitasking

The Gamers Guild to Sex - Gamer Girl Multitasking

If done correctly and at the right time this should award a real life achievement. Multitasking is when you are able to perform a sexual act while gaming. An example would be third base while playing Diablo 3 at your desk. You earn more point’s dependent on the act and the game. I will keep it clean so use your imagination, but if you are playing a game that requires a lot of concentration and split second timing and you can still preform or be preformed on, then you earn a higher score.

Like with the Interruption, Multitasking can lead to trouble if attempted at the wrong time. Perhaps in the normal world there is no wrong time for sex. This is not the normal world.

Victory or Defeat

The Gamers Guild to Sex - Victory

Victory or Defeat is great because it can work if you are a gamer or not. Simply put either way you have sex, but the why it is initiated depends on if you win or lose your game. Say, you just downed a boss in World of Warcraft for the first time. In this case, it could start out with a victory cheer followed by a passionate make-out session.

Take that same boss victory, but say you missed the roll on that one item you have been dying for. Now, the approach is more of condolence and comfort, kind of like hitting on a widow after a funeral, but less sleazy. The key here is not to dwell too much on the loss because you do not want to kill the mood. However, a good roll in the sack can cure most gaming blues.

The Duel

The Gamers Guild to Sex - The Duel

This is a game two gamers can play, the goal is to get the other to stop playing a game and take you to the bedroom or right there if possible.  I say this is for gamers because you both should know it is ok to try this because either the game can be paused or it is not that important. Nine out of ten times the female will win the duel because they just pwn us in that department, but if you can get her worked up first then you just might earn an achievement of your own. Just make sure to follow through and don’t choke.

Safety First

The Gamers Guild to Sex - PSP Lick

So there are just a few you gamer couples can play around with. You can have a happy sex life and still remain a gamer if you work at it and communication is paramount be it in person or vent or whispers in your favorite MMO. The questions we pose to you is how many of these have you don’t and what others have you created or done yourself?

The Bain of stickers on Consoles

I made two big mistakes during my NES time. One was when I threw my controller at the console after losing the code to the original Metal Gear. The second was when I decided to put a bunch of stickers on my console.~J.A. Laraque

The Bain of stickers on Consoles

So you got your shiny new console. For me it was the Nintendo Entertainment System. In fact, you can even read about the ordeal my mother went through in order to get it. Even as a child, I understood that I had to take care of my new game. I knew if it broke, I was most likely screwed. For the first few weeks, I treated the console like a newborn baby. I would clean it and even unplug it and wrap the cords. Yeah, that did not last long.

Stickers on NES

Soon it was just like any other toy and when I had to do all kind of tricks to get it to work, like blowing on the cartridge and pushing it in and then to the side, ( wow, out of context this sounds really bad) I really did not care about giving my NES the white glove treatment.

I made two big mistakes during my NES time. One was when I threw my controller at the console after losing the code to the original Metal Gear. The second was when I decided to put a bunch of stickers on my console.

PS3 Game skin

Today you can find some cool skins for consoles that make them look badass. That is not what my console looked like. At the time, I was also big into baseball cards and some of them came with stickers. I thought it would be cool to put them on the system. For about one day, I thought it was cool and then quickly regretted it. You would think getting stickers out would be easy, but it wasn’t.  I ended up with a much worst system than in the first picture and I did not know any of the tricks to clean it up.

Sadly, I was stuck with an ugly system until I got my SNES and vowed never to do it again. It appears a lot of people did what I did even today. So to help you out check out this video about removing stickers.

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Twilight…really?

Five Don’ts of gaming

You are not going for a Twin Galaxies record so when you decide to have a retro game night with your friends do not show how you can beat Super Mario Bros 3 with one life because it will just piss us off and make us retaliate on you. ~J.A. Laraque

Five Don’ts of gaming

dos-and-donts-sign

I can’t stand those 5 or 10 things you should or shouldn’t do articles. Those articles are often so cheesy with advice anyone with half a brain would already know about. So without future adieu here are a list of 5 things gamers shouldn’t do.

Don’t eat while using voice chat

voice chat eating

Seriously, 9 times out of ten, your microphone already sucks and the worst sound in the world is someone chewing food and it coming in over your speakers. For some reason people who eat while voice chatting never use push to talk either. Also, remember to leave voice chat or we might here you going at it to Fappathon and that is just a reputation killer.

Don’t put stickers on your console

stickers

I did this with one of my Nintendo’s. I thought it would be cool to put my own mark on it by adding a sticker and next thing I knew my NES looked like a teenaged girl’s notebook. It got so bad I would cover my NES when friends game over. Luckily, I broke it during a frustrated night of the original Metal Gear and got a new one.

Don’t play a game you own at in front of friends

super-mario-bros-3

You are not going for a Twin Galaxies record so when you decide to have a retro game night with your friends do not show how you can beat Super Mario Bros 3 with one life because it will just piss us off and make us retaliate on you. On the other hand, if you want to school your friends in a game of Temco Bowl go right ahead.

Don’t treat your noob girlfriend like the noob she is

noob

No, this is not a sexist statement. We all know girls can pwn just as hardcore as guys, but we also have many girlfriends completely not into any games. So if you want to introduce your none gaming girlfriend to say Starcraft, go right ahead. However, you cannot attack her for sucking the way you might do a friend because she won’t take it nicely and you will find yourself playing solo for many nights to come.

Don’t play a controller with dirty hands

soap controller

If you want to have that special controller that only you use then fine, but if you plan to let others play your controller keep it clean. One of the worst things in the world is to be handed a controller and its grimy or sticky because we have no idea how it got that way and our imaginations will go while. Break out the hand sanitizer for goodness sakes.

There are many other don’ts out there, but you get the idea. Next time we will bring you some Do’s to make sure you are up to par. In the meantime, if you have some more don’ts to share, let us know.

Don’t Copy That Floppy!

So what the fuck did we just see? These kids that look like they were from a 90s Nickelodeon show or Blossom or Boy Meets World get attacked by DP, Double Penetration, I mean Digital Protector, yeah that’s it and got informed of how copying software will end the world of software. ~Honorabili

Don’t Copy That Floppy!

don't copy that floppy

Remember the days of the Bard’s Tale 3 copy protection wheel and having to go into manuals to enter a word to prevent copying? Well I do! And now so will you with this horrible PSA from back in the day.

So what the fuck did we just see? These kids that look like they were from a 90s Nickelodeon show or Blossom or Boy Meets World get attacked by DP, Double Penetration, I mean Digital Protector, yeah that’s it and got informed of how copying software will end the world of software.

Well, looks like I finally got the message!

However, the people who made this crap didn’t so DP is back in 2009 to keep you from downloading a car:

I so much prefer the anti piracy ad from The IT Crowd http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALZZx1xmAzg or even the laughable one that says “You wouldn’t download a car”

Well…

You Wouldn't Download A Car?

Just imagine how many cars will get downloaded when 3D printers are a commonplace thing. That will be the next big internet problem like in 2031.

Games & Candy 2: Digital Deliciousness

Continuing on with the talk of gum, have you ever eaten gum from under your desk at school? Come on, be honest. Well, perhaps it would have given you a big boost of health, at least according to Final Fight.~J.A. Laraque

Games & Candy 2: Digital Deliciousness

Video Game Candy

So in the first edition of Games and Candy we talked about the different kinds of sweets you could munch on while playing your favorite games. This time we take a look at candy within games. Now we know games are marketed to kids and teens, but everyone can love video games just as everyone can love candy. Just like food, candy has a deep root within games sometimes as the main focus of and sometimes just tossed in there because they can. Let’s look at a few in game candy items.

Bubble Bobble

Bubble Bobble Candy Cane

You could not have a list of games that featured candy without mentioning Bubble Bobble. The whole premise of the game is creating and busting bubbles and eating food. Now granted, most of the food in bubble bobble is not candy, but you can find items such as a brown and blue lollypops, ice cream, donuts, cupcakes and a crème caramel.

As far as power up items, they are mostly candy based including yellow, blue and purple “sweets” that modifies your bubbles in some way. There are also candy canes in the game, which gives you points. Overall, there is lot of tasty treats in this game.

Final Fight

Final Fight Gum

It is not just turkey dinners flying out of oil drums in Capcom’s beat-em-up game. There are a lot of smaller items that provide a boost of energy or life in Final Fight, but we focus on the small stick of gum that sometimes falls out of some box or garbage can. Honestly, the gum looks like its Spearmint or wintergreen, which would explain why it gives so little health back.

Continuing on with the talk of gum, have you ever eaten gum from under your desk at school? Come on, be honest. Well, perhaps it would have given you a big boost of health, at least according to Final Fight. One of the bosses in the game, (a corrupt cop named Eddie E’s), spits out some gum before the fight. You can actually eat the gun restoring a good amount of your health, but honestly, you don’t feel good about doing it.

World of Warcraft

World of Warcraft Candy hearts

Everyone likes Valentine ’s Day candy right? Well, not WoW players back in the day. Blizzard had a holiday event where you would get a bag of Heart Candies. Now, for the most part, it was just for fun, but you needed to collect all the different types of candied hearts to get the achievement. The problem was the candy the bag would give out was random and some people never got the candy they needed even though they opened hundreds of bags. In the end they fixed this somewhat, but it did cause a lot of pain, maybe more than playing Wow alone on V-Day.

There were other candy items in Wow including chocolates from the V-Day event and a lot of different candies during the Halloween event. You could even eat so much candy it would make you barf and that was an achievement. Oh how far have we fallen?

More Candy Goodness

Super Mario Galaxy candy bar

Now there are a ton more games that features candy or candy games and games about candy. So tell us your favorite and we can feature them in the next installment. In the meantime, check out this cool article from Games Radar about if video games were candy bars.

Link: If Video Games were Candy Bars

Classic Videogame Politicians

Are you bad enough to have a burger with Reagan after you save his life? ~J.A. Laraque

Classic Videogame Politicians

Mass_Endorsement

So we are in a presidential race season, this means you will be hearing about who you should vote for and why and most likely it will make television watching a pain. Seeing all these people looking to becoming your representative’s made me think about some politicians from classic video games. Maybe you would vote for one of these guys or gals if you could.

Princess “Peach” Toadstool

Princess Peach

While Princess Peach is the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom she really does not do much as far as us gamers can see. It seems as if she is more like the head of a board of directors and the real power comes from her mushroom retainers that are always with her. Perhaps it is a good thing since she is always being kidnapped. By the way, she is estimated to be worth over 1 billion dollars. Perhaps that’s the true reasons she was always being kidnapped. She is the one present.

Master-D: Bionic Commando

Master-D

I don’t think there are many people who would vote for Master-D since he really seems like a copy of Hitler, but you never know, with the right platform he could be a third party candidate or spoiler.  In the original version of the game Nazi imagery and references were everywhere, but were removed by the ever censoring hand of Nintendo. Master-D is currently working on having his civil war era flag restored and we hear he has 70% of the vote in Mississippi.

Mayor Mike Haggar: Final Fight

mike_haggar

Mike ran on a platform of cleaning up the streets of Metro City and he meant to do it in the blood of his enemies. I guess when you can body slam all your opponents into the concrete and kick an arrow shooting wheelchair bound man out of a high rise you are bound to win the popular vote. Jesse Ventura said Mike was his “Regan” and followed in his footsteps. Currently there has been some scandal as Mike has been seen hiking the appellation trail and caught at other fighting tournaments instead of governing. Mike tried to appease his constituents by giving them the WWE channel for free, but in the end he had to quit after only two years as governor due to “distractions.”

President Reagan: Bad Dudes

Ronald Reagan Bad Dudes

Are you bad enough to have a burger with Reagan after you save his life? I really think this was an inside joke because his name is Ronald and you know, burgers, get it? Either way like Reagan’s trickle down economics being offered a grilled meat sandwich after fighting an army of bad guys to save him leaves you with not much of worth. Did you know the bad guys offered 10 million for the Bad Dudes to walk away? If only there was a working time machine.

So who would you vote for, who could lead us to the promise land?

The New Characters of UMvC3. Wait, Phoenix Wright?

[youtube id=”UPtEQCVRy6Q” width=”633″ height=”356″]

Jumping back onto the subject, why did Capcom choose such a character to add into a fighting game? Is it truly the fanbase? How will he fight? There have been other characters the highly acclaimed game developer morphed into fighters, right?~Lady Death

The New Characters of UMvC3. Wait, Phoenix Wright?

Early this morning, EventHubs revealed much information about “Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3”, a $40 upgrade/downgrade to its predecessor depending on opinion. They mention a “spectator mode” in which players may finally see online matches with others, an improvement of “the game’s balance and online functionality”, and 12 new characters.

Phoenix Wright

The Characters Announced

When at first EventHubs only posted the next 4 heroes or villains, a leak was released of the next 8. It was then an official article was written and posted not long after. The characters include Strider who was also in MvC2, and many other completely new characters to the Marvel vs. Capcom series like Virgil from Devil May Cry 3 and…Nemesis? With Nemesis included there are now 4 characters of the Resident Evil series included in the game. One character in particular surprised me with the leak: Pheonix Wright even after all of the speculation. As a quick summary Wright is a lawyer in the popular “Phoenix Wright” series that eventually moved from the Nintendo DS to the Nintendo Wii. One of his most defining characteristics is this “Objection!” trademark in which he exaggerates his call during court:

Jumping back onto the subject, why did Capcom choose such a character to add into a fighting game? Is it truly the fanbase? How will he fight? There have been other characters the highly acclaimed game developer morphed into fighters, right?

A Note on EventHubs

EventHubs has been accepted as one of the central news stations for the Capcom fighting game scene. The lastest and greatest is posted there.

For your entertainment or possible disappointment, here is the link to the leaked characters:

Ruh Roh, Raggy.

and with the newest trailer of UMvC3 with Strider and the others:

According to speculation, the 13th and 14th characters will be DLC, downloadable content. Oh, also, that they could be Proto Man and Mega Man X from the Megaman series.

I’m Becoming A Korean (Gamer)

[youtube id=”8PKR6lx79r4″ width=”633″ height=”356″]

This isn’t a cry for help, as you can see I’m back to work (posting this drivel), but instead it’s me doing the Simpson’s Nelson point and ha-ha to people with families and regular 9-5 jobs that think that playing Dragon Age and beating it over the course of two months is a great gaming experience. ~Honorabili

I’m Becoming A Korean (Gamer)

Basically, for the past month or two my girlfriend has been alien to me so I’ve reverted back to my old girlfriend: MY COMPUTER. This happened shortly right after I got back from my trip from E3 to which she did not get invited to go with! =P Anyways, half a week after I got back AT&T decided to be a bunch of useless fucks and decided to have my internet connection go down for about ten days… this in the middle of my addiction to League of Legends (which was already starting to die) and World of Tanks, which I had just dumped 20 dollars into and had a subscription to which has now expired.

Internet Serious Business
Internet Serious Business

What to do, what to do? Go back to the basics! I pretended it was the 1996 and that I didn’t even have internet gaming (for the most part). My brother and I were going nuts as to what to play, since without internet connection we were cut out (literally) from the virtual world needed to play a modern pvp game (since few companies make hotseat stuff anymore, other than for usually some console games). We both said at the same time “Master of Orion 2, multiplayer, over the LAN”. What a brilliant solution to being stuck in the dark ages. After a little bit of work and installing the IPX network protocol, we got the game to work like a charm over the LAN using DosBox. We even made a CD image of the game which runs better than a full HD install and streams from a hard drive anyways. After a few days we were playing as if we had never stopped playing in the first place. Even when the internet came back on, I went on League of Legends and I thought the level of strategic thought now required to play it was nothing compared to the complexity of a legendary 4X strategy game.

Anyways… after a short while I checked my email and saw they had sent me some free codes for games to play so I logged into my Steam to add and download them. Boy, what a mistake… They were having a huge sale with stuff 90-75-50% off, so I just wasted about 200 dollars on that shit and then started to game non-stop. Like basically, since then days have been a blur. I haven’t posted anything on here in a good while, not since my E3 article which took J.A. Laraque forever to get me to finish it (well after the event had already ended, which was already when nobody cared to read it). I am now awake on some fucked up schedule that lets me play with all the European gamers as well as the Asians! I take power naps, drink about 3-4 cafe con leches (cafe lattes) AND 1-2 Red Bulls a day before I start playing pvp games. I go from Mount & Blade, to Master of Orion 2, to League of Legends (doing my daily XP bonus), to World of Tanks (again with that daily XP bonus bullshit, feels like a job!) to Dirt 3 (I beat it today, so now doing multiplayer races against a lot of Germans) to Fable 3 (which I just destroyed) to Monday Night Combat to AI Wars to … well you get the idea. Gaming nearly 24 hours a day, I barely begin to scratch the surface of even a fraction of all the games I have… On top of that my PC keeps dying more and they keep releasing more cheap (and in my case sometimes free) games.

I bought an ATI 6870 card to replace my dying underclocked ATI 3870 but I only had it for 3 days since I sold it to fix a client’s machine. Now I think I’m going to build a machine that uses the AMD Phenom II X4 980 Black Edition Deneb 3.7GHz 4 x 512KB L2 Cache 6MB L3 Cache Socket AM3 125W Quad-Core Desktop Processor but we’ll see since they’re always releasing new ones but I’m pretty sure that will be the winner.

This isn’t a cry for help, as you can see I’m back to work (posting this drivel), but instead it’s me doing the Simpson’s Nelson point and ha-ha to people with families and regular 9-5 jobs that think that playing Dragon Age and beating it over the course of two months is a great gaming experience. (insert rant saying something like “fuck all games with DLC” here) =P I’m starting to get a system down as to when a game will be shorter than a day for me, it pretty much sucks, especially if it doesn’t change as I replay it and it’s currently selling for around 40-50 bucks on Steam or some other distro. (ahem, Fable 3 in this case) I don’t have any children or a wife and yeah sometimes I forget to eat while gaming but even then I’m a fat bastard so it’s not like I’m at risk. ;] I’m Korean for my games but not just for Starcraft or Guild Wars, but all of them!

On a serious note, much during my internet down time I got to read the Master of Orion 2 manual A LOT and it made me really sad that they no longer make 200 page user manuals like that that were actually worth reading and it also made me really sad that Microprose (probably my favorite game company) has been dead for a long time. They sure don’t make them like that anymore! Klackons FTW!

Anyways, I’m out, going to go troll some noobs and work more on my trolling reviews of more games I wasted my money on! Game on!!!

Castlevania: Symphony of the Night gave me a boner

Alright, not really, but after playing through the game again I did realize how much semi-nudity is in the game so let’s just go with that.

Diplocephalus

Castlevania - Symphony of the Night - Diplocephalus
She believes in protection and by protection I mean Holy Water.

I believe this creature was created after someone went on a blind OKCupid date and was fooled by a MySpace angle. This creature is easy to beat and has an attractive upper body and a horrible monster for a lower body. When you hit her and kill her, she turns and moons you and you realize baby’s got back.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fkbD1pl0cY[/youtube]

Venus Weed

Castlevania - Symphony of the Night - Venus Weed
She is wondering why everyone is staring.

My vagina is a flower, an eccentric tulip, the center acute and deep, the scent delicate, the petals gentle but sturdy.

Ya, now you know where they got that from. This is how Poison Ivy sleeps, in the nude and apparently, this creature drinks human blood so it must be someone’s wife. Am I right folks?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DVB1VsfKimk[/youtube]

Salome

Castlevania - Symphony of the Night - Salome
She does not sweep with that broom

All your goth and bewitched fantasies all rolled into one. This young female witch turns into a cat when you weaken it and you know I love pussy…cats.

Hunting Girl

Castlevania - Symphony of the Night - Hunting Girl
Look at that pose, yeah, she wants it.

This is for the voyeur in all of us. This is for the guys who use to try and watched porn on a scrambled cable feed. Sure, you can’t really see what Hunting Girl looks like, but she looks like she has a hot frame and those poses she does when you hit her…uh… I just realized this sounds like something that can end me up in prison.

Castlevania Symphony of the Night is one of those games you will play over and over forever and the more you play the more weird things you will take notice of. So did I miss any strangely hot monsters from the game, besides succubus that is which is a given.

 

Horrible Video Game Names

So the helicopter is named Revenge Joe and the helicopter has a brother. Honestly, when you look at this game do you even care about the storyline?~J.A. Laraque

Horrible Video Game Names

Sometimes a video game name can make little sense but still becomes a hit because of how good the game was. Resident Evil was selected at random in a boardroom after it was decided that using the Japanese name for the game, Biohazard, would conflict with other games. Today we have no problem with the name, well most of us don’t, but there are some video game names that are just too weird.

twin_eagle video game

Twin Eagle – Revenge Joe’s Brother

[youtube id=”I4HpowDzqzo” width=”633″ height=”356″]

So the helicopter is named Revenge Joe and the helicopter has a brother. Honestly, when you look at this game do you even care about the storyline?

princess_tomato

Princess Tomato

[youtube id=”KNbqDFqBtxU” width=”633″ height=”356″]

You know to be honest we have princess peach and toadstool so having a princess tomato should not seem that weird especially considering she lives in salad kingdom. Honestly, I’m more concerned about living in salad kingdom. I don’t want to live anywhere near the tossed district.

tech_romancer

Tech Romancer

[youtube id=”j2ZX5lPaw-g” width=”633″ height=”356″]

This Dreamcast game is actually pretty fun to play and let’s just be truthful, there are some geeks out there who would have no problem getting down with a robot. Just listen to how the guy says the name of the game and the name of chapter 1 is called, It’s not fair.

pen_pen_tricelon

Pen Pen Triicelon

[youtube id=”fvZQzaHUDoI” width=”633″ height=”356″]

This game is just all kinds of fun and wacky as hell. The game itself is kind of like a racing game mixed in with winter games type events, but in a wacky world with strange music and even stranger charters.

sticky_balls

Sticky Balls

[youtube id=”wGkwjEa1piI” width=”633″ height=”356″]

I could try to explain this one, but the video pretty much does the best job in explaining.

We will be back with more bad video games names soon so stick around.

The top non-slutty female characters in video games

Claire Redfield

The top non-slutty female characters in video games

It’s always a Top 10, a Top 5 or a Top 100. Not this time though. This is a Top 7, and it’s about the Female Game Character; an endangered and usually stripped down to its panties species. This is different, as this post will not be about Lula, Lara or any other two-syllable named bimbo. It will be about interesting characters, that even a woman (gasp!) could enjoy…

 

Ms. Pac-Man

Number 7: The legendary Ms. Pacman. Not a proper female, I know, but she …er… does dress like one. If you’re into round, yellow, pill-poppers you’ll just love the old lady.

Princess Peach

Number 6: Princess Peach, ruler of Mushroom Kingdom and Mario’s personal fetish. Childish, but also a part of video gaming history. Definitely not a slut.

elaine_marley-monkey-island

Number 5: Elaine Marley from the Monkey Island series. Funny, spirited, Ron Gilbert’s creation and a governor. Good looking and old fashioned. Won’t strip for you, let alone make a naked public appearance.

shodan - system shock

Number 4: Shodan, from System Shock (and apparently SS2). Call her a slut and she’ll fry you; perhaps even destroy earth. An amazing piece of homicidal AI, if I ever saw one and a perfect match for Wintermute.

Sarah Kerrigan - Starcraft

Number 3: Kerrigan, another villain, and not 100% human either. Great looks (for a Zerg hybrid at least), a member of the order of the abominably nasty and key figure in the best RTS expansion ever: Starcraft Brood War.

April Ryan - Longest Journey - Dreamfoil

Number 2: April Ryan from the Longest Journey and Dreamfall. Uniter of worlds and magically inclined, April is also a talented and rather ‘alternative’ girl from the future, who just so happens to star in adventure games. Recently into hot arcade action too.

Beyond_Good_and_Evil_Jade

Number 1: Jade, the star of the amazing Beyond Good and Evil action-adventure game. She has style, flair, good looks and a kind heart (Ooooh! that’s sweet). She’s also a revolutionary. Like Rosa Luxembourg only with green lips. Just have a look at this great game. Control each and every Jade‘s action. Follow the link.

Lost In Translation: Vietnamese Pokemon Crystal

[youtube id=”BZ_bhwCgtXg” width=”633″ height=”356″]

Isn’t bootlegging what keeps Chinatowns across the US afloat? How can we strive to keep the American dream alive if we don’t indulge immigrants by purchasing their fine wares?~Umar Khan

Lost In Translation:

Poorly subtitled bootleg copies of games and videos are all lying somewhere in the darkest, dustiest corner of your closet. It’s hard for some to admit that they’ve acquired these counterfeit replicas but we’ve all purchased some at one point or another. Why pay full price when you could just as easily get a rip for $5? Isn’t bootlegging what keeps Chinatowns across the US afloat? How can we strive to keep the American dream alive if we don’t indulge immigrants by purchasing their fine wares?

 eggiereceivedrug

Sometimes, if you’re lucky, you can get an exact replica of what you’re looking for. In some case, in the case of this video, you get something zestfully bizarre. Somewhere on the internet – I’ll leave you to find out where exactly – there is a ROM of a Vietnamese rip of Pokemon Crystal. To save the painstaking adventure of playing through this ROM, Youtube user DeliciousCinnamon has gone ahead and created a documentary followed with some hilarious commentary to walk you through the experience.

Now Robots Can Play Kinect, Too!

[youtube id=”w8BmgtMKFbY” width=”633″ height=”356″]

I am not quite sure how the humanoid robot balances itself as the video doesn’t really explain it but it does seem able to remain focused and not lose any center of balance whatsoever. ~Umar Khan

Now Robots Can Play Kinect, Too!

When Microsoft announced the Kinect, a lot of people thought that this was going to be just another peripheral gimmick. In reality, they were correct. It really was just another peripheral gimmick and a way to bring in another competitor in motion based gaming. The original intent of the Kinect was to just have some good gaming fun. In the world we live in, though most things that have an original intent get pushed into another direction by an opposing force. For the Kinect, this opposing force is a community of hackers that enhanced its capabilities. I am sure we’ve all seen things that people have managed to do with Open Kinect.

One user managed to make humanoid devices mimic movements applied in a Kinect. What does that mean? I mean he made a freaking robot simulate human movements! What else could I mean? Move over Iron Man because we no longer need the armored suit.

Humanoid Robot Kinect
Humanoid Robot Kinect

In the video it shows the machine doing the opposite mirrored movement but that’s because instead of facing the screen, it is facing towards the camera. The robot responds to movement inputs placed in Open Kinect programs and responds with a likewise movement. The robot shows perfect balance even when moving around with a weight on its arm and shows adaptability to remain as focused as it is in the Kinect movements.  I am not quite sure how the humanoid robot balances itself as the video doesn’t really explain it but it does seem able to remain focused and not lose any center of balance whatsoever. Give or take a couple of months and we’ll see what else hacked Kinects can really get done.

Why I Prefer Video Games Over Board, Card, and Pen & Paper Games

Why I Prefer Video Games Over Board, Card, and Pen & Paper Games

I grew up playing a ton of board games, card games, and pen-and-paper RPG games but for many years now I’ve been sick of playing them and have favored video games ever since multiplayer and playing online against other people became abundant.

Battletech Box
Battletech Box

Well, even before then back in the days of hotseat (hotseat is multiple players playing on the same system at the same physical location), especially on my Commodore 64 and Amiga, as well as my friends’ NES, Sega Genesis, and SNES consoles, I would rather play a good balanced video game than deal with the arguments and drama that playing traditional games came with.

Now I love board games, card games, and RPGs but the problem I found throughout the years is that most people you play with will cheat at every opportunity or they don’t really know the rules of the game or they create their own house rules that sometimes make the game have nothing to do with the original game.

I grew up playing Monopoly, Sorry, Talisman, Battletech, Hero Quest, Munchkin, Guillotine, Chez Geek, Magic the Gathering, Jihad (the Vampire the Masquerade card game), Dungeons and Dragons (every version; AD&D every version as well), Shadowrun, Mechwarrior, and Vampire: The Masquerade. I’ve played more but those are the ones that easily pop into my head right now. I remember playing Battletech at a game store called Gamesters here in Miami with my friend Tom Birmingham and it was us two against two other players. The other players would do shit like waste time then make their guys move twice and fire twice. Even with their cheating, we decimated them.

Munchkin Card Game
Munchkin Card Game

For card games, especially Munchkin, there would be so many arguments that one time my friends stayed up all night playing the game and they decided to wake me up at 5 AM asking me to make a rule judgement. The conversation went something like this:

Friend 1: “Yeah we wanted to know how to interpret the Loaded Die card…”
Me: “You have got to be fucking kidding me. You know I’m going to kick you guys each in the balls the next time I see you.”
Friend 2: “I told you not to wake him up because of the game.”
Friend 1: “Shh… Anyways, we want to know if you can counter a Loaded Die card with another Loaded Die card.”
Me: “Yes, now please fuck off and never call me again not even if there’s an emergency. And yes, I will cock/cunt kick you all next time I see you. Good night.”

Vampire The Masquerade book
Vampire The Masquerade book

For pen and paper RPGs people would cheat on their die rolls just so their character would always do well. What’s the point of doing something if there is no penalty? How about playing a game where your character can actually die? What would be the point of real life if no bad things happened? Another problem that I found is that almost nobody knew how to actually role-play anything other than being a combat monster useless fucking character that killed everything that the Dungeon Master (DM) or Game Master (GM) had spent hours designing. I always think of the D&D sketch by the Dead Ale Wives when I think of RPGs. For that I’d rather go play Diablo, at least that’s the point of that game!

Anyways, I grew tired of people ruining games for me so even as a kiddo I knew that unless the controller was broken in hotseat or somebody was using a bot online, video games would solve all that shit by preventing arguments from happening. Whereas on a traditional game you have to enterpret the rules and logic, in a video game everything is happening much faster (no need for die rolls other than internally within the program) and everything is more fluid. Whereas before playing something like Battletech, a battle would take 4 hours of real life time, that would translate into a 5-10 minute match in an RTS game.

Spy vs Spy on the c64
Spy vs Spy on the c64

The logic is simple and it’s even more obvious to me these days as I grow older than video games will continue to propagate even more and those old games will just continue to die. Now yes, I do agree that they should continue to exist. What are you going to do when a natural disaster happens and there’s no power? They’re great for that. Sometimes they’re great for parties so that at least you can play something with a non-gamer.

Auto Assault Box
Auto Assault Box

Now I’m not encouraging people to play an MMO unless it’s something like Auto Assault or Mechwarrior (two dead games) or PlanetSide (still around but almost nobody plays it) where skill and strategy mean something but more something along the lines as playing Starcraft or any favorite FPS game or anything else for that matter, so long as it’s not a gear based shitty game.. Just be careful with the online cheaters that will employ bots to win like a little bitch!

Another problem that traditional games have versus computer games, especially pen and paper RPGs is that they would take up so much time that it essentially became a ritual that you would have to dedicate time for each week. Think of it as the dedication a WoWhead gives their guild for raiding and other stuff in that game, except instead of clicking on World of Warcraft from any computer to connect you have to go to their house, buy food and drinks, and then drive home (usually really late that night or the next morning). It was even worse as a kid because of parents imposing curfews but I guess that doesn’t matter these days since parenting has gone to shit. =P With online gaming these days, you literally can play any game 24 hours a day and find people willing to play with you. You can’t beat that (although that does create problems like gaming addicts and more but that’s another topic for discussion)

Ur Quan Masters Battle
Ur Quan Masters Battle

I’d rather play a video game against a friend where it’s much harder to cheat than play a traditional game that could potentially ruin a friendship. I’ve seen some of my friends get into a permanent feud both over traditional games as well as video games but not as much for video games. Anyways, I’ll take something like a hotseat game of Star Control 2 (The Ur-Quan Masters) over a shitty game of Monopoly! However, just because I love video games that doesn’t mean that I won’t join you for a quick board game or card game or RPG session either!

Things you do in MMOs you wouldn’t do otherwise

mmorpg demotivational poster
mmorpg demotivational poster

Things you do in MMOs you wouldn’t do otherwise

We are all gamers here and we know there are a lot of things gamers do in their lives that “normal” or non-gamers don’t or wouldn’t do like camping outside of a Gamestop or EB Games for Halo. However, when you toss in the MMO world there are some things that even your most sunless gamer wouldn’t do.

Leave Ventrilo on all night

I may be wrong and maybe one of you Count strike or FPS ninja’s will correct me, but leaving Ventrilo on all night listening to people talk about any old thing seems so MMO. I admit I have done this while writing or working on something. It is worse when you forgot to turn Ventrilo off an in the middle of the night some dickbag screams into the channel. One time I heard a guy talking with his girlfriend for hours about how he can split his time between, work, school, sex and World of Warcraft. I found it funny he didn’t say “girlfriend” or “relationship” instead he said sex.

How many of you have listened in on a raid that you weren’t on? I have to tell you I doubt you listen in to a FPS Vent channel when not playing, that is totally MMO.

Sit staring at the ground in a game for 12+ hours

This goes back to the days of Everquest when you would have to find some item or another on the ground and since it was a random spawn and anyone could ninja it from you. There was no choice but to sit there staring at the ground with your finger on the mouse button as if you were playing family feud. The worst was when you thought your item spawned and it turned out to be some graphic glitch or when you had to go to the bathroom fearing it would spawn while you were gone.

Turn down a woman

No, I don’t mean telling your girlfriend to watch another season of Sex in the City while you make your final push toward level 85. I am talking about rejecting any female in a MMO that you haven’t verified is really a woman. Unfortunately too many gamers have made playing a girl character look bad by doing awful things to get in groups, guilds and just begging for gold or loot. Now in games like World of Warcraft you just can’t trust a woman and for the most part will stay away unless boobage is confirmed.

Spent more time dancing in game than out

In City of Heroes one of the things to do was to make a level 1 character in the craziest costume you could and hang in the center of Atlas Park and dance. Dancing became so popular in COH that they created clubs where people could dance, but strangely they were hardly used. I guess when your superhero can pull a boom box from thin air on command who needs a club. If your girl ever wants to go dancing you can get her a copy and take her to Pocket D.

Understand Economics

You have student loans, credit card debt and no savings and yet in the MMO world you are Bill Gates. Sure, there are some in RPG land that overspend and can’t afford that damn new flying mount requirement, but for most of us we know how to make and spend money. Not only can we control our personal finances in game, but we can also control the auction house knowing when to sell, when not to sell and when to be an undercutting asshat. Remember when your teacher taught you about supply and demand, of course you don’t, but you’re using it now, congrats.

In which world are you better?

The world of MMO’s has defiantly had an impact on us all for better and for worse. There are tons of things we do in MMO’s that we never did in life or other games before. So how about you, what have you done?

A New Challenger Approaches…

Princess Peach Daisy driving
Princess Peach Daisy driving

A New Challenger Approaches

Life can throw you a lot of curveballs. You might find yourself unexpectedly becoming a father, be picked first when people choose their teammates, and even find a million dollars in a duffel bag. The point is, there will always come a time where you will be blindsided. Sometimes it is for the better and sometimes it is for the worse. It could hurt your ego or even boost it. This one event, though, could leave you with a knotting feeling in your stomach. You don’t quite know how to take the news and you don’t quite know if you can accept it.

The event I’m talking about is when someone you hold near and dear to you takes you down a peg. You’re supposed to be their knight, their champion. You’re the one who crushes roaches. You’re the one who walks through the dark hallway unafraid. You’re the one who chain roots a Tauren warrior underwater so that your loved one can flee to safety. You are one who is not fearful but accepts fear for what it is. You are the hero and the guardian.

Then, the day comes when you realize this person isn’t as helpless as you’d think. There comes the time where you are the underdog and the fragile swan becomes the marauding murderer.
I had always thought of myself as an above average gamer. One game I thought myself exceptionally good at was Mario Kart for the SNES. I had played every version of Mario Kart because it always held that great competitive yet joyous multiplayer aspect to it. I was a first place kind of player. Yeah, sometimes I’d get second or third but I was always on that pedestal and more times than none I was the one towering over the runner-ups. I had never met a player who was greater than me in Mario Kart. We were either equal or I burned brighter.

It filled me with great happiness to be as skilled as I was at Mario Kart. Yes, it was a game where I would dominate but it was fun not only for me but for friends and family that played a long side myself. It was simply an entertaining game, one that I especially enjoyed throughout my life.

Then, Mario Kart Wii came out. I will admit, I was there at the midnight release with all the nine year old kids who were dressed as Mario but I didn’t care. Mario Kart was something I had to have in my collection and I bared no shame being the only person with hair on his balls in the line. To my lack of surprise, it played practically the same as the previous titles but had a couple of changes that added some gusto to the mix. I would certainly dominate in this Mario Kart again.

How wrong I was… I was so naive.

This was the first Mario Kart to come out since my wife and I were married and I had never played Mario Kart with her before. I expected it to be the same kind of formula as when we usually played multiplayer games. We’d do a couple of rounds and then she’d get upset that I’m winning and then I’ll do a couple of rounds where I slow down a bit and pretend to fuck up so she’d do better but then she’d bitch at me accusing me of allowing her to win. Shortly after that, she’d give up and never play again. We’ve all been through this scenario, if not with our wife, then with our brother, or sister, or guido friend.

Not this time, though.

After the first trek through Mario Raceway, my wife was first and by a long shot. I couldn’t even catch up. Beginner’s luck, I thought to myself. That’s what it had to be. There is no way she is devastating me this much.

Another race, again same results.

Another race, she is not a speck in my rear view mirror but a speck in my horizon.

Another race, I finally got ahead but wait what is this? Wham, Bam, thank you ma’am. She demolishes me with every weapon known to the Mushroom Kingdom and overtakes me with an enormous lead.

How could this happen? How could she be this good? She doesn’t know about pressing UP when going off a ramp for a boost. She doesn’t know about using a shell or banana as a barricade to destroy red shells. She doesn’t know about popping a wheelie on a straight road to gain a significant speed boost.
So how?! How does she know how to win with such grace?

Pushing my ego aside, I dared to ask. “Honey,” I politely inquired, “How did you do that? What is your secret?” She looked at me puzzled. “I just raced, you motherfucker.” is her reply. This wasn’t sufficient. I had to know. What did she do?

“Do you dodge bananas well?”
“I just drive.”

“Do you conserve your mushroom boosts?”
“I just drive.”

“Do you race directly behind someone to increase your acceleration?”
“I just drive.”

There is no secret. She just drives. But this isn’t good enough of an answer! How did she defeat me, a golden god in my own right?! No matter how long we haven’t played Mario Kart, she still dominates everyone. None are left in her wake.

When I look into her eyes as she plays, I see no determination. I see no enjoyment. I see no past, I see no present, and I see no future.

What I do see is a soulless machination whose sole purpose in life is to sow confusion and hysteria in the minds of those she crushes.

I love my wife. I really do. However, when we play Mario Kart I feel like I should be sporting a purse because she makes me look a bitch. She took one of the most memorable games of my childhood and turned into one of the most terrifying and unexplainable experiences in my life. I am left with a feeling of pride as it is my wife who is destroying my friends in Mario Kart but at the same time an incredible wave filled with unworthy emotions sweep over me. I enjoy playing with her but I also fear those remorseless eyes.

Never again will Mario Kart hold a feeling of pure bliss in my heart. It will forever and onward be filled with a mixture of shriveling self esteem and panic.

Bob-ombs: The Real Threat to America’s Safety?

bobomb
bobomb

Take a good and hard look at that picture, reader.

Since Super Mario Bros. 2, the Bob-omb plague has swept Mario games just like how Beanie Babies swept away the hearts of overweight, unloved women in the 90’s. At first glance, as a child these huggable creatures are adorable with their round cast iron bodies and cute little steps. They parade down towards Mario with an indifferent pace to harm the plumber. How endearing.

BUT LET US TAKE A STEP BACK!

Why does something so cute need a cast iron body? Did you know Mario’s Fire powers don’t hurt them? You want to know why? They are filled with explosives! Yes, they are bombs! But not just any ordinary bombs. Normally, you’d need a remote detonator to set off an explosion or physically be there to light the fuse. Bob-ombs are the future of impersonal terrorism.

“But Umar,” the reader of this article may find themselves saying, “They are just so cute and innocent. Surely they wouldn’t hurt a friend?” And it is right there where your young and liberal mind will get your arms blown off. Bob-ombs aren’t toys. They aren’t Pokemon Cards! They are sentient, living bombs! Their sole purpose in life is to cause murder, death, and ensure the incineration of all bio-organic beings. Do you not see the Nazi inspired design behind the Bob-omb?
1) They Goose-step toward you. If someone greets you with a Goose-step, chances are the encounter isn’t going to be friendly.
2) They patrol areas back and forth just like soldiers.
3) They have a short fuse. This is symbolic because they don’t have the patience to deal with your lesser race bullshit.

Still don’t see how this is true? You still can’t perceive the sinister motives that fuel their mechanical hearts? Just look them in the eyes. Look into those cute cartoon eyes as they lure you in for a hug. Do you know what kind of mind is behind those peepers? A sick sociopathic mind bent on your demise.

Go right ahead. Let him into your heart, into your home, let them sleep on the carpet in your child’s room. I can assure you the moment you touch that Bob-omb, this cute little monstrosity that you fed and picked up their poopies, he will glow an angry red. His glassy eyes will become stern and enraged. A fire will spark not only in his heart but on his fuse and before you know it, you’re gone. All your loved ones will be blown to bits. Your wife and children will be here and there. The dog will have little tidbits against the closet door. And God forbid you survive. What kind of weight will be on your shoulders with the knowledge that you mistakenly trusted this deceitful horror and now your family is gone and you’re are now left to live your life missing appendages? How long will it take before you finally can’t handle the guilt and bite your tongue?

“Umar,” our fair reader may retort, “The pink bob-ombs are nice, though. You can’t discriminate against all of them.” Pink bob-ombs are just the next step in their dastardly evolution. They speak to you, beg you for help, pour out their hearts about the prejudices they face against the other bob-ombs. They deplore you for assistance. They are the good guys, they say.

Really, Pink bob-omb? You’re one of the good guys? Tell me this. Why is it that you bob-ombs glow pink right before detonation? From what I can tell you’re closer to the edge than the black bob-ombs. At least they can keep their cool until provoked or before that bitter moment when they exact their plan. Pink Bob-ombs can’t even keep their oath of silence and become radicals that speak out. No thanks, Pink Bob-ombs. Stay out of America.

Let’s look at the track record of these Bob-ombs. In every single Mario game, they have made it painfully obvious their only true intent is the destruction of a living beating heart. They get involved in Yoshi’s story and even sports based Mario games. And you’d think they’d stop with their vendetta in the Mushroom Kingdom. No, they made their intents international when they appeared in Super Smash Brothers. They’d just randomly pop into a battle and indiscriminately hunt down Link from Hyrule, Charizard from Kanto, and Snake from America! Yes they initiated a global war and have even targeted America on their To-Do list.

Americans, I’m looking at you. Are we going to let this mechanical plague sweep our nation like a renegade brushfire? Are we going to allow our land, our freedom, our loved ones to be abused by these techno-organic racists?

I say no!
I will not give them shelter for their sick and their hungry.
I will not provide them with resources which us Americans harvested on our own.
I will not allow one to move in next door and will not allow my children to play with them.
This is America! Home of the brave, the bold, and the truly living!

Alterac Valley Noobs

World of Warcraft nub
World of Warcraft nub

Alterac Valley Noobs

I know what you are thinking, didn’t he write about being AFK in AV? Yes, this is true, but that was during my leveling stage. What I am talking about is AV at level 80. Did you hear, AV at 80 is its own bracket now? I can understand being under geared or even new to AV altogether, but this has gotten ridiculous.

I knew I was on the failboat when

When you load up into AV at 80 and there is about 10 seconds left before the game starts and you have no buffs, you know you are going to fail. I can only speak for alliance here, but since I am alliance and since we are all 12 can you please push the shiny button with Fortitude or Kings and for the love of God stop hitting the freaking Path of Frost button!

Here is a pro-tip noobs! Buffing in a BG before it starts uses no mana! Why do I see six mages and no mage table? Maybe you think giving biscuits to all for free is socialism. Maybe you think I should have my own food. Well you’re wrong noob! I have food, but its stat food and I need normal government cheese food! Hand it over you keyboard drooling loser muffin!

Warlocks, I know you only like hitting your three fear buttons over and over, but for the love of the Anti-Christ please make a soul well. I mean those soul stones come in handy when the real pros of AV are rushing to cap relief hut.

Is this thing on?

I know there are a lot of poop sock, hot pocket eating, super min/max playing ass hats out there and most of them are spamming some strat they read on the message board claiming it as their own, however, when we are trying to make a plan of attack at least turn back to the screen for a moment. That 48 year old you watch undressing from your bedroom window will be back again. Now is the time for gaming. Put down the lotion and watch the screen there might be useful information there.

There is nothing wrong with going for The Alterac Blitz, I know some of you think achievements suck, but maybe, just maybe you can try it you know, for this thing we humans like to call fun. How is it that so many people ignore BG chat? Do you just run around like Helen Keller with a potato sack over her head down to Galv every game? Maybe you are a BOT or more likely a dumbass. Do us a favor, stay AFK with the other 50% of the raid.

Like the girl you were stalking told you, don’t touch

You cheesy fingered, sunlight depraved, perma-virgins, how many times do we have to tell you not to cap Iceblood graveyard? Let me put it in terms you might understand. Remember when you wanted to masturbate real bad and family kept coming over the house? See if you went out to meet them they would leave you alone, but like the tool you are you stayed in your room being a social misfit, so, they kept coming to your door bothering you keeping you from getting off. This is called a turtle because it talks a long freaking time to get to the payoff! This is what you do if you cap IB, you make horde respawn farther back which slows down our advance which keeps us from reaching our goal quickly.

I need to take a breather

I have more to say, but to prevent TLDD I will break this up into another part. In the meantime, wash those crusty socks and dump out the pee jar. I’ll be back shortly to continue your schooling.

Facebook Gaming vs Real Games aka anything else

Facebook Gaming vs Real Games

As an experiment of sorts I installed a bunch of Facebook games to my profile to see why people play those games. I quickly saw that these games are merely made so that you can waste your time faster at a dead-end job (maybe a real job) rather than at the usual braindead rate.

Life is strife. Life is challenge. Most of the FB games I found (like 99% of them) don’t have any death penalty. What’s the point of doing anything if you’re immortal? Like seriously, even Tic Tac Toe is more hardcore. Even Pong is insanely more punishing than the typical FB game.

Tic Tac Toe
Yeah, even this little girl is more hardcore than Farmville!

I found a pattern with most of these games. The typical game will let you do a certain amount of actions or so per hour or per day, regenerating your ability to do more if you wait or if you pay real life money or facebook money. I guess this appeals to people who always thought video games were retarded but now they’re addicted to the most base form of “video games”.

FB games are basically blatant ripoffs on concepts taken from old school BBS door games. There’s a ton that involve having land, building an army, and attacking other players for resources. Of course, all these games now involve “leveling up” which sometimes doesn’t even give you anything but just goes to show how much of a loser you are for playing the game for longer than 2 minutes.

I actually found one FB game which does have death and losing but pretty much nobody plays it. The game is called Verdonia and it plays a lot like an MMO version of Defender of the Crown. The game consists of building up your country and conquering land from NPC and other player nations. Most other games are about trains or zombies or farms or dumb shit. It’s just a bunch of pointless fucking grinding that makes even the worst play-for-free MMO look like a work of art.

I guess these games appeal to the basic gaming addict that just want their level to go up with no point or skill needed. Here, just click on this button a bunch of times and level up your farm/zombie herd/etc.

I played these games for a bunch of days and then I fired up even some games that I had been sick of playing and here is what happened. OMFG, is this what fun feels like? Like, I’m sick of playing certain games that I play all the time with my friends like Dawn of War 1 and 2, Battleforge, GRID, etc but Jesus H Christ, even grinding these games that don’t even give me any gratification anymore is much more entertaining than even the best FB game. I found that my skill in playing games that require practice degraded a lot and I had to repractice to get my skills up to par.

Let’s talk about specific games:

Lucky Train: Build trains, board them, click to send them, repeat over and over and over and over and over (kill yourself)
Office & Co: Simulates pointless office jobs, the best part of the game being when you fight your boss and you play rock, paper, scissors with the chance of losing, only to repeat it again. You can’t get fired unlike in real life, for playing this game at work and getting caught.
BRAAAINS: Cute graphics but that doesn’t make up for a game where you can’t die. Build up a zombie army and keep doing it over and over as you fight random strangers in an uncontrolled pvp animated match.
Mobsters 2: Vendetta: Kind of neat to see the different missions that you can do but essentially, you read it once and who cares after you click on the mission again for the 40th time.
Castle Age: “rpg” fantasy game where you do quests that are just you clicking the quest button over and over and then you fight bosses and pvp other players, with no real death penalty. Pointless.
OfficeWorld: Tired of your pointless job in real life? Go be an asshole in a virtual office in this game. Click on people and deal with office drama, again without being able to get fired.
TrainStation: Similar to LuckyTrain, except not as cute.
CarTown: Game for people who wish they were 6 years old again and could play Micro Machines.
NightClub City: One of the neater games, again you can’t lose. Cool thing about it is that it plays samples from real musicians which I guess it’s a way for you to buy their singles online.
RomanTaxi: You run a taxi service in Ancient Rome… Yeah…
Mercenaries of War: Create a band of warriors and fight NPCs and other players, and even though they just shot you with assault rifles, you can never lose to the point of having to make a new character. What fucking bullshit is that?
BrainBuddies: Harder than the other games I just mentioned. You get to do little brain teasers to see how clever you are, or just how many times you did these quizzes and memorized what you had to do.
City of Wonder: Civilization rip off in which you attack random people and build up your city with again little consequence of chance of dying.
Tetris Friends: At least this is modeled after a real game. How can you fuck up Tetris?

Okay, I’m going to go punch a wall and play some hangman on paper with some elementary school kids because at least I can die in that game. Makes me want to fire up some Hello Kitty Online for Slaneesh’s sake!

Slaneesh demotivational poster
Slaneesh, worship him/her or Chaos will RAPE you

Paladin Hateraid

WoW pwn paladin
WoW pwn paladin

Paladin Hateraid

I tried being a nice guy, but it’s just not in my nature. I hate a lot of things and it’s time I started telling my adoring public about some of them. In this case since we are talking MMO’s, I will keep it focused on that.

In this inaugural issue we will cover one of the most hated classes currently in World of Warcraft.

My E-Peen was damaged

It’s not that I expected to win every fight, but I believe everyone should have a real chance to win against every other class. I mean when I’m not AFK in Alterac Valley I might want to stab a hoe in the back with my pig sticker.

I bide my time and find a lonely paladin at half health and think to myself, self, you got this. I close my eyes and think back to my boyhood days in the Catholic Church, channel my rage and attack. I’m screaming out in my small basement; “There were no cookies in the rectory!” while I unload on the helpless pally.

It should have been an easy kill. I hit the right buttons. I did everything the SpoonCraft guide told me too, but just as victory was in my grasp he became invincible. “Bubble bitch!” I cried out in a pain worse than that day in the rectory.

So I back away and try to bandage and to my horror it begins to heal itself. Now at full health it helps me relive that awful, awful day from so many years ago as it begins to spin and flash and rape my sorry ass.

As I laid there broken and battered on the ground the evil paladin did something to me I hoped would never happen again.

It was after a hard Friday night of D&D back in college. I had drunk way to many Zima’s and passed out in the lounge. Nicolas, who I had beaten earlier that night with my charisma warrior, was still pissed and wanted revenge. He stood over me, but I was in no condition to stop him as he pulled his pants down and settled his microscopic sack upon my forehead.

A picture was taken to commemorate the event. We didn’t have HD back then so you couldn’t even see his minuscule balls, but they were there, resting just above my eyebrows. I never played D&D after that and that day, like the one in the rectory, haunted me for years.

Now it happened again. That damned paladin tea-bagged me worse than a town hall protestor. I cried at my computer desk and downed a coke zero to try and alleviate the pain, to no avail. I walked away from my computer, defeated and whispered silently, nerf paladins.

Murder in Grizzly Hills

Murder in Grizzly Hills

It was a warm day as the valiant rogue, Mascot galloped across the Grizzly Hills atop her trusty ram, Sarah Palin, when she heard some grunting in the woods. Being ever curious and a bit of a pervert she dismounted, went stealth, and hid by a tree.

It was a sight that would make any D.E.H.T.A member cry:

World of Warcraft
World of Warcraft

Now, it was no secret that Mascot ate meat, but as she was trying to score with one of the female D.E.H.T.A member’s, she had to play the part. However, one thing that disturbed her was how one of the Amberpine Woodsmen seemed to be punching the ass of the downed Tallhorn Stag.

Watching the men punching and grunting and stabbing was turning poor Mascot’s stomach. She almost wanted to kill the woodsmen until she noticed something in the background.

World of Warcraft
World of Warcraft

It was a so-called Imperial Eagle, known as the snob of Grizzly Hills the Eagles were feared by man and beast alike. Mascot was astonished as she gazed upon the majestic eagle as it stared at the woodmen chopping and punching the stag to bits.

Mascot knew the look in the eagle’s eyes; it was the same she herself has had after killing a bubble bitch in world PVP. While there was no smile on the eagles face it was happy the stag was dead and took pleasure in watching it be torn apart.

There was nothing Mascot could do, this was natures will carried out by man’s hand. After all, she had more killing to do in the forest and then it was off to the hot springs for some spying on the showering D.E.H.T.A ladies.

As Mascot crept away she took one final look at the eagle who she just then realized could see her. For a moment they human and animal were connected to each other mentally. The eagle whispered into her head.

“If you tell anyone what you have seen here, you’re a dead mother f*cker!”

How to Play Alterac Valley

World of Warcraft Alterac Valley dunbaldar
World of Warcraft Alterac Valley dunbaldar

This is a little dated, but I hope you will like it anyway

First thing you need to know is if you are Alliance Alterac Valley or A.V. is for you. The reason is Alliance are very good at the art of zerging and running away both which are valuable in A.V. There are also reports of imbalance with the map, but come on that’s just crazy talk.

Step one: Make sure you aren’t level 80.

 

World of Warcraft Mascott
World of Warcraft Mascott

Going into A.V. at level 80 is like going to an all-you-can-eat sushi joint on a full stomach, you just don’t do it. With the changes to A.V. now giving you experience points, this is a prime leveling area for your twink.

Pro-tip: You can get up to 20k per tower cap!

Step two: Watch everyone rush off.

 

World of Warcraft Alterac Valley
World of Warcraft Alterac Valley

I use to love sitting in my warm cozy apartment in Chicago on a cold winters morning watching all the fools go to work or school. You can relive that feeling in W.O.W. Hop on your trusty steed and watch as all your comrades’ rush off to fight knowing you will be comfortable sitting far away from the battle.

Step three: Find something to do.

 

World of Warcraft Alterac Valley
World of Warcraft Alterac Valley

You are not an A.F.K’er, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Even people on welfare who pump out babies contribute to society. They give us Jerry Springer shows and people to laugh at on the nightly news.

A pro A.V.’er knows there are things to do if you are not on the front lines; one such thing is going to cap your mine.

Now granted you might get your ass kicked by the mobs since you are such a low level, but hey that’s why the Blizzard Gods made resurrection points, am I right? Even if you do die it’s fine because you are giving back for all the experience you will be gaining.

Pro-tip: You can do the supply quest while you’re in here!

 

 

Step four: Keep an eye out.

 

World of Warcraft Alterac Valley
World of Warcraft Alterac Valley

Just like that old bag who gives you the stink eye every time you go outside your house, a good lookout can be useful, but mostly it’s just you killing time. From here you can wait and collect your experience points and wait for the horde to show up.

Or you can do….

Alternate Step four: Go laugh at Galvangar

World of Warcraft Alterac Valley
World of Warcraft Alterac Valley

Stupid shirtless bastard, I couldn’t fight him in my lower levels because his whirlwind would one shot me. Now, I still don’t fight him, but after he is dead I like to go laugh at him and you should too.

Pro-tip: Watch out for horde who like to camp in his room to one-shot laughers

Step 5: See what you could have been doing

 

World of Warcraft Alterac Valley
World of Warcraft Alterac Valley

Sometimes I like to go downtown and stare up at one of those big towers and dream of what I could have been if I didn’t become a loser. While you are at Galv’s lair check out Iceblood Tower. Your alliance friends may be guarding it or maybe horde has taken it back already. In the end it does not matter you job isn’t to fight, cap or defend, it is to level.

Step 6: Learn the hard way

 

World of Warcraft Alterac Valley
World of Warcraft Alterac Valley

Work is hard and here is some proof. If you are feeling guilty for milking experience go on up a tower and see how it feels to be one of the worker bees. Let me tell you, it hurts like a some-of-a-bitch! See what happened to me? Someone knocked me over the head and I woke up with a cow humping me. Never again!

Step 7: Say hi to the A.F.K guy

 

World of Warcraft Alterac Valley
World of Warcraft Alterac Valley

The difference between a thief and a scammer is technique. See, we experience lechers at least stay on our PC’s. So go into the alliance starting cave and wave at all the A.F.K’ers and report them while there. If it wasn’t for them you would finish you’re A.V’s faster.

Broken I win button

Win or lose you will gain experience and maybe even see a horde or two. Soon you will be 80 with a full set of welfare epics and will be ready for some real B.G.’s. Until then just follow this guild and you will be a pro in no time.

The Art of the AFK II

AFK shirt
AFK shirt

The Art of the AFK II

So now you know about my adventures in A.F.K, but now it is time to talk about others. We all know World of Warcraft can either take a ton of time or just a few minutes depending on what we want to accomplish, but if you are going for that purple ring then it can take hours. On raids good leaders try to make it easy on members by taking breaks, however, some just don’t take advantage or go a little overboard.

Cooking with Nax

My good friend Rizim sends me a whisper inviting me to a 25 man Nax raid telling me it would be fun and allow me to switch out some of my 10 man pieces. I was bored at the moment and decided to go. The part pug, part guild had reached Gluth which happened to drop something I needed.

You know how Gluth works, you have a group fighting him and hunters or mages kitting the zombies. Well, I was put on the zombie team. It was no problem I have done it many times. The problem was the other hunters somehow forgot to hit their trap button, so, we wipe. We run back, Rizim is yelling instructions in Ventrilo and just as we engage him for a second time I see this:

wtf cat
wtf cat

PhyscoHeals tells the raid: A.F.K. turkey dinner for the kids.

I start laughing thinking this is a joke. I mean PhyscoHeals is our main healer and happens to be leader of the raid, but no she is not kidding and disappears in the middle of the fight. We wipe, I’m cursing out loud in the house and sending Rizim tells that I plan to come over to his house and kick his dog for pulling me into this God awful raid.

Who the hell starts cooking a turkey dinner in the middle of the raid? I get it; you have kids, but W.T.F., A.F.K. Thanksgiving?!!! I had this picture in my mind of her PC just sitting there, unused:

Needless to say I ran out of that raid like a Democrat at a town hall meeting. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised with a name like PhyscoHeals.

A.F.K, tired of writing

afk gamer cat
afk gamer cat

There’s more to come on my series on, The Art of the A.F.K, but what about you guys and gals out there? Got any stories to share, let us know about them.

Couples playing W.O.W: An articlementary

Wedding World of Warcraft
Wedding World of Warcraft

Couples playing W.O.W

Studying the human condition can be really rewarding, I like to observe people in a non-peeping tom kind of way to find out how they go about their daily lives. In World of Warcraft that is not easy since people play in their homes, but with a little searching and some pointed questions you are able to get a feeling for how people behave and integrate their lives and relationships in W.O.W.

Today I want to talk about couples in World of Warcrft. We already talked about how to get your girlfriend to play and the pros and con’s of doing so. Now, let us explore those couples who do play W.O.W with quotes from them and the people they play with.

She has sex with me, but can she play?

Girl Gamers World of Warcraft box
Girl Gamers World of Warcraft box

Sometimes the man or woman gets their significant other to play. In other cases the two meet in game and then come together. We asked the question, what happens if he or she sucks at the game? What if she or he is better than the other?

My GF plays and I sometimes raid with her. She sits 3 feet from me, and is a Resto Shaman. Usually a night of raiding goes something like this:

“WTF are you doing, get out of the fire.”

“What fire?”

“The red sh*t you’re standing on.”

“Don’t lifetap anymore”

“Shut your mouth.”

“It’s your fault we wiped.”

“Why are you such an ass? I hate playing this game with you.”

We learned it can be stressful if one person takes the game serious and the other doesn’t.

Girl: Alright, pulling

Guy: Doing great hun, just keep up the threat

Guy: Need heals

Girl: you have them, just let em tick…

Guy: omg! I’m gonna d…. oh, nvm

Girl: quick, death grip this one on me,

Girl: Maybe..

Girl: !!!

Girl: Teehee

Guy: (5%)

Girl: ok, i’ll get it.

Guy: … Maybe next time I won’t heal you….

Sometimes she just sucks ass. By the way, we also discovered anyone who says Tee Hee out loud is a psychopath.

“WTF you fell again?”

“What do you mean you dont have the flight path, we were just there?”

“So, this whole time, you didnt even have the quest?”

“How in the world do you pull the whole room?”

“I’m going on my alt…”

When the music stops

World of Warcraft breakup
World of Warcraft breakup

What happens when the fun of playing World of Warcraft is gone for one or the other? What happens if you both go in different directions in the game?

I started playing with my g/f.. She bought me this damn game. After 1 and a half years of playing together she went horde and we raided in different guilds and different factions. This affected our relationship greatly.. We almost broke up for good a month ago. We stopped playing completely a month ago to save our relationship.

Sometimes W.O.W has to be left behind in order to save the relationship. Unfortunately, sometimes it is the relationship left behind.

I thought having a gamer chick that was actually hot was better than a server first. Nothing beats hot sex in-between Kodo mount runs. Then something happened. She got into faction farming for those damn achievements. Watching her grind faction killed the game for me. We stopped having sex, I quit wow, but she kept playing. I couldn’t take it anymore. I broke up with her and found a club chick. She is just as bad, but its loud music not factions runs. I hear my ex is on a ventilator now and still plays.

I found if you can identify the problem early you might be able to save the relationship. The key is deciding which is more important, your hot piece of meat or purple loot and a dragon mount.

Problem is our relationship was amazing before the game came into our lives. We got equally addicted to the game where we were raiding 5 days a week for 4 hrs a night. Having no contact and sitting down for those hours spent apart affected us in so many ways.

She quit raiding a month a half ago due to guild drama when she realized she didn’t want to be with a raider anymore. I asked her numerous times if she wanted me to quit raiding I would and she just said no you can play the game. She thought she had made up her mind about leaving me because of me and not the game. I quit 2 weeks after her and the relationship started to improve greatly, she then found out it was the game that was screwing everything up for us and it wasn’t just me.

We know drama

We have much more to cover including, kids over vent, when guild leaders are married and A.F.K sex. If you have any questions or comments please leave them below and stay tuned for part two.

Confessions of a Keyboard Turner

sleeping baby on keyboard
sleeping baby on keyboard

Confessions of a Keyboard Turner

So I received this e-mail back in the day and I don’t know why because I was never know to be helpful, but rather to make fun of people, but hey, if God gives you lemons you find a new God.

Hi J.A.

I have been reading your articles and after seeing the one about playing A.V. I wanted to ask you about a horrible condition I have. See, the problem is I keyboard turn and I don’t know why. I have been playing wow for a few years and still do it and get totally owned. It has been so bad I haven’t left my room for days, please help.

Timothy Hayden

I use to be a keyboard turner, but then my other testical dropped and I began to use mouse look. Sorry, but too often the symptoms of a keyboard turner also include:

  • Lack of targeting skills
  • Inability to “dance” in Nax
  • Non-PVP’er
  • High pitched voice in Ventrilo
  • Stories about how your mom bothers you while raiding in the raid chat channel

I suggest you start to use mouse look, because it gets your wrist into shape and we all know World of Warcraft players could use a stronger wrist. Also, girls like mouse lookers because it tells them they know how to play with the mouse.

On the other hand I do hate the Counter Strike kids who play a rogue and run around you in circles, using sprint, spinning and jumping like they are on crack. This action makes me want to punch my monitor, but I paid far too much for it and it happens to be my television as well, so, I just try my best to slow them down and picture them nerd raging out slamming their face against the keyboard.

Okay, I will try to be helpful. What you want to do is go into Ironforge (I know you are Alliance, all keyboard turners are Alliance) then go to the great forge and enable mouse look and start walking and looking around. Once you get the hang of this try doing some quests with mouse look and finally log into a BG. You will get owned, though that’s mostly because you just suck at W.O.W, but a trial by fire can sometimes be the best way to learn. I learned in Quake 2 Rocket Arena, so yeah.

Remember keyboard turners are like blind guard dogs, sure they can still get you, but wouldn’t you rather be running at full capacity? Your group and guild will like you much better and tolerate your horrible D.P.S. if you can at least use mouse look.

P.S.

Please go outside and get some sun because I don’t want a letter from your mom about how telling you to learn to use mouse look led to your death. Maybe I should get her to take away your account and make this happen:

P.P.S. Yes, I know that’s a picture of facerolling.

How to keep your girl off your W.O.W. playing back

angry girlfriend
angry girlfriend

How to keep your girl off your W.O.W. playing back

Believe it or not there are people out there who try desperately to reduce their World of Warcraft playtime. It is not due to the increasing ease of game play or a lull until cataclysm, but because their wives and girlfriends have asked them to. I am here to help you guys out. You don’t have to cut down on the epics and pwning noobs. All you need is a distraction, like throwing White Castle burgers at a charging fat person.

FarmVillie

It is possible your girlfriend or wife is already playing this game. In it you control your avatar and manage a virtual farm. To be honest, it’s the type of farm a six year old child would manage, because you can put reindeer next to your Jacuzzi overlooking your watermelon crop.

This game is so addictive there are cases of people (women) getting tickets due to rushing home to harvest their crops before they rot. The good thing is this game is played through facebook which is another time killer. Since you have to level up and make money this game will keep your lady very occupied. The downside is she may become too consumed in the game with the finding the baby black sheep, ugly ducklings and the like. Just a word of advice, make sure she doesn’t use real money to buy stuff in game. I mean who would spend real life money on a game right?

Bejeweled

Believe it or not Bejeweled and World of Warcraft have a history. Word was around 2008 a Bejeweled add-on was to be added as an interface download. I don’t know if that happened, anyway. Bejeweled is a great game for the ladies because it combines two things they like, jewels and trying to solve problems you don’t really have too.

The good thing about Bejeweled is you can get it on almost any media platform from PC to the Iphone. The game is simple, yet addictive and never ends. We know several truths, District 9 aliens love the sweeties, bitches love smiley faces and your lady will love Bejeweled.

Nintendo Wii

Known as the Yahoo games console, the Nintendo Wii is perfect for keeping your girl occupied while you grind away. Most gamers would rather gouge their eyes out than play games you could find online for free, but somehow thanks to smart marketing and a ton of accessories the Wii has become the Imac of the twenty-first century, everyone has one in their house, but few use it.

With the Wii you can buy a few game packages, like the sports pack and bask in the glow of your monitor as she swings away playing such riveting nail biting games like Bowling and Tennis. You can also create avatars for that SIM’s feel that you can then have interact with other created avatars, its brainless fun.

Add to that the everybody votes channel where your girl can vote on hot topics such as which New Moon star sparkles brighter in the sunlight. Along with the news, weather channel and access to old Nintendo games, this is perfect to keep your lady off your back.

Finally there is Wii fit. This is a perfect way to please and offend your girl at the same time. With Wii fit your girl can work away the pounds with an assortment of exercises, but beware. It is possible she will get in shape and realize she can do much better than you and dump your sorry ass, but then again it just gives you more World of Warcraft playing time which is all that matters.

If you take this seriously shoot yourself now

So there you have it. With these three things you can toss away your new year’s resolutions like a Christmas fruitcake. I mean you could always cut back, read, workout, have sex, get a job or do a million better things with your time, but that won’t grow your e-peen now will it?

Your Girlfriend to W.O.W in three easy steps

from girlfriend to WoW
from girlfriend to WoW

Your Girlfriend to W.O.W in three easy steps

I was surprised how many couples were at this year’s Blizzcon. It’s not that I believe gamers can’t get chicks, by no means, I have seen the light, but to have a girl fly out to a convention is something completely different. I realized that when you and your snuggle bunny enjoy the same thing then you are golden. So, for you lucky studs out there that have a girl, one who doesn’t play wow, maybe I can help.

Step 1: Testing the waters

Remember when you wanted to see what sexual things your girl would and would not do? How did you go about it? If your answer was drugs stop reading this now. Drugs and wow only go together on Friday night raids. The correct answer is, you test the waters. You dance around the issue and hit her up with questions or pictures or something to get some kind of hint out of her.

Now of course she has seen you play and maybe you are thinking that since she called it, that stupid gnome game, that you have no shot, but if you are a twenty to thirty something gamer you already know a lot about having no shot.

The key here is to see how she likes it if she were to play. Start off with showing her something simple like harvesting. See, women are domestic, even the crazy femi-nazi’s so if you show her that you can cook, and make clothes and shop, there’s a good chance she might like the game.

Step 2: Laying the bait

So now hopefully she has shown some interest in world of warcraft. You have got her to ask you some questions, she has seen the cooking and shopping, and you are still sleeping in with her. Now you lay the bait. Make a level 1 character, a priest is good for this and make sure she is there when you do. Show her the intro video and then just walk away. If you did everything right she should come try out the character.

Remember, when your girlfriend saw you playing your level 80, it was way too much. You had all these spells and abilities and you were in raid with leet speak, its overwhelming, kind of like when she told you about her cycles. Here is the best advice for getting your girl into wow and first time sex, keep it simple. You want it easy and straight forward; the more complicated stuff will come later.

At level one she will only have a few spells and everything will be laid out for her. She will be cold and naked which we all know is the best way to find a girl you want to take home with you. In this case she will level quickly and the chances of her dying are slim to none so you are golden. Congrats, she is playing!

Step 3: Crossroads

Your girlfriend is playing World of Warcraft, but will she stay? This is path one. You need to play with her which means getting her, her own rig. This will cost you money now, but in the long run you will save. I mean dating is expensive and she hasn’t paid for anything in a long time. Once you have her system setup, you will need to play with her because if you don’t she will either quit or find someone else to play with and you don’t want that.

Your girlfriend is playing World of Warcraft and everything is golden. This is path two. She’s liking the game and you like playing with her. She gets you now and you are still nailing her in-between battlegrounds. This is your best case scenario, sit back and watch your waste-lines expand!

Your girlfriend played World of Warcraft, quit after a day and hates it more. This is path three. Well, just like the night you went for that storybook kiss and she slapped your face, you are out of luck son. This happens, a lot. The game is designed to get women to play, but for some reason she doesn’t like it. In 90% of the cases this means she will hate you for playing it even more. There are two choices here, quit playing (yeah right) or hide if from her. You might think there is a third choice, finding a new girl, but let’s face it, lighting doesn’t strike you twice.

Your girlfriend is playing World of Warcraft more hardcore than you! This is path four. You stepped away for the day leaving her playing so you could go restock your Mountain Dew supply only to come back and find her at level thirty. Your girlfriend has Sim-Syndrome, a term coined by me that means your girl is addicted to a task. See in the Sims I found some women became obsessed with making sure everything is right in their Sim world, so, they spend every waking moment working on their Sim, and you also find this in Facebook games like Mafia and that awful, awful Farmville game.

Sadly, this is what will happen. You made her a priest right? Ya, this is where that backfires. She will level fast and somehow pick the right spec and professions. She will read up on how to play and become a good healer, which we all know is still hard to find. Your guild will like her better than you and it will be she telling you she will hop on pop after she finishes the Argent Tournament. It’s time to dust off the porn collection player, you done fucked up.

Are you sure you want to do this?

You know the risks, but if you care about this girl and about wow then you might have to take a chance. It could work out, two out of four are not bad odds right?

Civilization 2 Advisors

Civilization 2 Advisors

Civilization 2 had some hilarious live-action actor advisors that gave the game a unique style. If you’ve never seen them, check them out below!

Here are the Ancient times ones:

Onto the Medieval times:

The modern day one:

It’s all done in good humor. We have Elvis and the militant starts to remind me of the characters from Dr Strangelove as we get into the modern era. He’s such a funny character!

Eventually everything goes to hell! It’s Anarchy!

They must have had a lot of fun making these crazy videos for Civilization 2. 🙂

Games need to be more like “24” aka the Dead Space Conundrum

the Dead Space Conundrum

I’m obviously not talking about a game version of the TV show. Yes, I know we have that. What I’m talking about is I think that a specific style of 24 should be adapted to most games, as it would make the overall game aspect a lot better.

In the show 24, the basic layout (for those of you who haven’t watched the show, and if you haven’t, you should either watch it now, or suffer the wrath of Gortex the demon slaughterer) is that the main character (in this case, Jack Bauer) goes through a series of events leading to a finale, or a conclusion of some kind to the story. That’s simple, right? All games do that! But there is one absolutely crucial difference: The “events” in 24 actually matter. They aren’t just relevant to the story, they are dramatic and are actually important to the character, and shocking to the viewer.

24 Jack Bauer’s Hearing
24 Jack Bauer’s Hearing

In most games as we all know, we’ll be going towards some sort of objective when something “breaks” or “stops functioning” and we have to return the power to it, or find some way around it. Do you think Jack Bauer has time for that? No! Jack Bauer is out catching terrorists by using his eyelids as deadly weapons. If something breaks, that’s some lackey’s job to fix it, not the main character of the story.

That’s what I’m talking about. In most games today the game is relevant to the story only tangentially. How many different things break in Gears of War, or are “offline” that you have to fix or restore power to? We need events that are crucial to the overall story, not just “somethings broke, go fix it”. We’re the main character of a story here not Scruffy the damn Janitor.

Dead Space

One game that really fails at this is Dead Space. I love this game tremendously, but if I were to play it, and you were to ask me what my objective was, I’d tell you to get off this ship before these things dismember my soul. But more specific than that, I have absolutely no idea, because it wasn’t relevant. I had to collect some keys, or a card or something to fix something else… and do something to GET OFF THE FRIGGING SHIP. But I don’t really remember what those things are. Think about how much better Dead Space would be if the “objectives” actually mattered. I know for the whole time I was basically following whatever the blue line told me to do, because it told me to do it.

In 24, You know exactly what Jack’s doing, where he’s going, and whose life he’s about to turn into a carnival game. The plot-lines are never confusing, and there’s around 7 of them in every season. But they also manage to never get boring, even the ones with Kim (or what gamers call the escort mission) never really become boring in any way. That’s why 24 is such a good show, because there is never a dull moment. Every episode ends with some revealing situation or personality change (or twist, as most people call them) that changes the whole situation of the show. That’s what I want for games. I want every chapter to matter in the same way that every hour in 24 does. I don’t want to forget why I’m doing something. I want to be completely engaged from start to finish, or until I put the game down. Is there any game that you can say did that?

24
24

If you don’t like 24 (first, please escort yourself to the nearest detention center), or you think that they recycle a lot of their plot-lines, how about House? They’ve managed to keep every episode of that show interesting by focusing on the main character, and how he overcomes the circumstances given to him. Every episode of that show requires a race against the clock (disclaimer: Zelda proved that that aspect throughout an entire video game is not a good idea. But per chapter or episode? perfectly fine.) for the main character to diagnose a patient. I don’t think that each chapter should “end” in the same way each episode of a TV show does, but I think that there should be parts of a video game that provide you with a reason to keep going in terms of the story.

Now go watch 24. I don’t care if you’ve seen it all already, go watch it again.

If you were to give an in game item to your significant other as a birthday gift what would it be?

Super Mario Bros 3 Tanooki Suit
Super Mario Bros 3 Tanooki Suit

Think of the millions, perhaps billions of items out there in the universe of video games. If you could select any one of them as a gift for your favorite guy or gal what would it be? Maybe you would go back to classic gaming treat your lady to a pixelated piece of fruit from Pac-Man. Ladies maybe what would make your man’s day would be the completed gun from Heavy Barrel. What would I give out? Well for me it’s a no brainer, a Tanooki suit.

The Tanooki Suit first made its appearance in Super Mario Bros. 3, it was a rare item and pretty much once you lost it you would never see it again. The suit turned you into a raccoon looking creature but actually Tanooki suits are named after tanukis, Japanese creatures who, according to mythology, can use leaves to shapeshift and cause chaos.

Tanooki cosplay
Tanooki cosplay

Why would this be an awesome gift? Well first of all with the suit on you could run and take off to the skies and fly. Who wouldn’t want to do that? Secondly you could turn into a statue. I am not 100% sure how useful that would be, but if you need some quiet time that would do the trick. The most important part is how cute she would look in it.

Maybe for the guys it’s not as sexy. Also there is a furry component to wearing a suit like this pretty much anywhere, but who cares let your fur flag fly. Just be careful and don’t get her the frog suit or its game over.

Multiplayer Pranks!

Trickster demotivational poster
Trickster demotivational poster

Multiplayer Pranks!

If there’s anything better than being a rapscallion in real life it’s being a rapscallion in video games. Nothing comes close to ruining someone’s gaming experience and nothing comes close to the kind of heart wrenching laughter that ensues. There have been many moments in local and online multiplayer that have left me in tears of joy. Sometimes, exploiting someone’s fun is just way better than actually playing the game. Let us all gather around our illuminating monitor screens with our favorite caffeinated liquid garbage and share some fond puckish stories!

Of course, what community deserves to be treated like waste right away? That’s right! The World of Warcraft community. I couldn’t help myself when I realized my Warlock could summon people. It didn’t take long for me to come up with a way to grief people in my guild. It took me awhile to convince my wife to assist me in opening the portal though. Every guild has a leech. They don’t help out but love to beg for assistance. Well once, my wife, a friend in the guild, and myself invited this one member who wanted to run Scarlet Monastery with us. He was in the group and in Ironforge with us when we decided to run together. Unfortunately, when we began to run he didn’t leave IF. He chose to remain silent and not say a word.

When we made it to SM we said “Geez, there are a lot of Horde outside the door PvP enabled.” (we played on a PvP server so now they could just face rape us at this point). Suddenly, our player who took a vow of silence broke his promise to God and spoke up asking for a summon to the doors. I was pissed because I knew he was just eating shit so he didn’t have to do the walk and waited for us to reach the monastery. In any case, we summoned him. We did the entire instance and of course… he kept hitting need on everything. When we completed the instance we all hearthed back to Ironforge to repair and sell our loot. The bloodsucker decided to stay behind in SM to PvP. He then had the nerve to ask for a summon back to Ironforge when he had enough. When I asked him why he didn’t just use his stone he told me he didn’t want to waste the cooldown.

World of Warcraft screenshot
World of Warcraft screenshot

This is where my brilliant idea kicked in. After insisting to my wife this was just, I ran over to the forge and made my portal over the lava pit in Ironforge. Our friend and my wife clicked the portal and the ill begotten fool accepted his passage into hell! I watched as his body entered the zone and pulled a Wyle E. Coyote as he must’ve looked down and then back at me. If there was a /helpsign emote it would’ve fit this moment perfectly. The lighting of the flames below pressed against my pixilated face as I looked down relishing his death at the hands of the forging fires. There was no way out. I saw him attempt to hearth only to have it interrupted. He died and I laughed.

The mischief doesn’t end there. After the release of Burning Crusade I decided to make a Draenei Mage. It was a ton of fun and I didn’t mind handing out food and water to people. Being a vending machine was cool beans and I didn’t care one bit about handing out replenishment. At least, I didn’t mind until the Mage Buffet Table spell was added and everyone begged me to make this table every time we entered Alterac Valley. I wanted to get my killing on, not supply you with a reagent required buffet. No one ever paid me back or said thank you for it. They just asked rudely. This is when I decided to really put a damper on their day. AV had a long queue and I knew their punishment would be severe. The plan was set. Time to see if it would work. I opened up the portal and told every to click to summon the table. In an instant, four people disappeared. Yeah, I did it! I opened a portal to Stormwind and the dumb asses started clicking it and got ported out of AV. They had to begin the queue again from the beginning. I felt like a Golden God laughing down at the pathetic peons of the mortal plane!

My tenacity for tomfoolery didn’t begin in World of Warcraft, though. Years prior to this, when Everquest was still managed by Verant, there were events in the game run by the Game Masters. These GM Events would have players running all over Norrath trying to complete the task handed out to them. Normally you’d be able to tell it was a GM by their “Anonymous” tinted name and their quest format speech. They would put key words to ask them in [brackets] so that the player would know how to proceed to the next step of the quest.

EverQuest logo
EverQuest logo

Well… one boring night, my cousin and I decided to find some newbies in Misty Thicket and pretend we were GMs. I was walking around the newbie area with my name tinted purple for anonymous. I began to say, in quest format, “Oh dear! Where is my cousin [Finkle]?” A group of players, somehow believing this to be a GM evenet approached me and asked “Who is Finkle?” I turned to them in reply and gave them a long block of text informing them about my cousin and how I couldn’t find him in Rivervale and that I would appreciate if they would speak to him for me.

As they ran into Rivervale, my cousin was set up the same way and told them they should go out to Runnyeye to find me as I was patrolling the goblin city and they shouldn’t be startled by my disguise should they find me. When he told me they were coming I hauled ass into Runnyeye and put on my Mask of the Deceiver. When they found me I informed the players Finkle required 4 spider silks and to meet him in Erudin. The players foolishly then ran around Misty Thicket looking for silk to further the quest. It was at this time we logged out and wondered if they actually ran to Erudin. For those who didn’t play EQ and have played WoW, running from Rivervale to Runnyeye is the equivalent of running from Orgrimmar to the Crossroads. We asked them to do this three times.

Of all of these pranks, my favorite one is still the one where I got revenge in Everquest in Lower Guk. On my server, there was a monk who just loved to train people in LGUK by feigning death near groups and also killing the LFG people at the entrance. He did this all day. He was heartless. A cold and calculating monster. A scourge amongst the undead froglok blight. I was getting tired of attempting to cheese it towards the zone line while sliding around on the grime covered floors of this cesspool. I decided to challenge him to a duel. This druid sitting at the entrance kept giving him conjured nourishment while I AFK’d for a bit. When I came back, I read that he said “Enough! My bags are full!” The Norse God Loki must have whispered this sweet decadent idea to me as my smile spanned from ear to ear. The monk was dual wielding Wu’s Fighting Sticks, a rather expensive item in the game.

I initiated the duel and we began our battle. The time to commence my plan was at hand. I used my disarming ability on the bastard! I know, nowadays, disarming someone just disable the weapon, but in Everquest it put the item back in your bags. When your bags are full, well… your item falls to the ground. I saw his staff on the floor, picked it up and zoned out. I made my way to GFAY and sold it immediately. I was never contacted by a GM or by this monk ever and I made it away clean with an extra 4k platinum in my pocket. Justice was served for causing all those death penalties in Guk you son of a bitch, I thought triumphantly to myself.

Those are my stories of malicious intent towards others in the gaming community but what we really want to know at OG is what you’ve done even more! Please reply and let us know what kind of a horrible person you really are!

Critical Thinking: One Game, One Bullet, One Chance

Choices demotivational poster
Choices demotivational poster

One Game, One Bullet, One Chance

Your mouth is filled with the copper taste of blood as you awaken in a dark and dreary room. All ambitions to run away are pulled from your thoughts as the raw meat on your ankle sends signals of agonizing pain to your mind. The shackles are still on securing your subjugation. Blemishes of dirt and clean tear stained linings decorate you fear stricken expression.

You back away into your corner to lean against the wall, bumping aside the tin bucket that houses your excrements against the cool checkered tiled floor. You don’t know where you are. Neither does your family. The only person who you had to talk to was Chuck and now he’s…

You try to push away the thought from your mind but you know that Chuck’s fate will soon be yours to share. The captors are growing impatient by the day. They never reacted with physical abuse until recently. Flesh has rendered from your back by the act of multiple whipping tears. Vision is barely able to enter your swollen right eye and the deprivation of liquid has parched your throat like sand paper.

The door creaks opens. Immediately, arms raise to cover eyes burning from the clarity. A heart begins to hyperventilate and the natural mechanic of fight or flight is hindered. There is nowhere to run but you are in condition to fight. A large brawly man walks in, his knuckles cut from Chuck’s climactic send off. Your spirit sinks as his shadow cascades over you. Like a dog pissing themselves in fear, a small whimper manages to escape your lips.

The loud clanking of a stool being dragged against the floor sends chills down your spine. The monster sits before you with a look of perplexity. He takes out his blue steel .357 MAG. revolver. He opens the chamber and pulls out one bullet from the front pocket of his Guayabera, kissing it gently before loading and snapping the gun shut. Leaning forward, a smile manages to cross his dark expression. You can smell the stinging scent of Vodka on his breath. He looks back at the gun before extended his arm out to press the nozzle against your forehead.

“You probably don’t recognize the brand of this gun? Why would you? You spend your whole life playing video games you don’t know the real cruelties in life, huh? Taurus International Manufacturing; not only is it cheap, it’s got some power and reliability too.”

You feel the gun press harder against your skull. Your eyes are fixated on his crucifix bracelet. You weren’t much of a believer in the man but right now anything would do. Your thoughts beg out and cry to God for mercy. The only real pain you feel right now is the anguish of your teeth reaching their breaking point from biting down in anticipation of your end.

The man stands up causing the stool to collapse hard against the floor all the while pushing more force against your forehead, burrowing down into your skin. Your bowels let loose. This is it. No chance to say your good byes or make any amends for past regrets.

“You have one chance!”, the man shouts. Your eyes open wide in surprise and air rushes out of your body as if someone knocked it out of you. “My kids don’t like me much and all they do is play games. My wife says I should try to understand them and get closer to them, ya know? I don’t know where to begin. I don’t have patience as you can see with your friend Chuck. Suggest me one game that’ll get my attention right away so I have something to talk to my kids about. Name one fucking game! I’ll go grab it and come back here and play it. If it’s as good as you say it is, I’ll let you go! Promise to God!”

Someone out there must really love you or hate you. Do you know any games that are good enough to make a stone cold killer addicted enough to let you go or are you only prolonging your death with your shitty choice.

This is your chance! Don’t fuck it up!

Villian Spotlight: Kefka Palazzo

Insanity Kefka Palazzo demotivational poster
Insanity Kefka Palazzo demotivational poster

Kefka Palazzo

Since the dawn of video game culture, there have been a lot of subjects you don’t bring up unless you want some greasy, unhygienic, nerd frothing from the mouth with a rabid induced rage. One of these subjects that is commonly brought up by RPG geeks which ends up in a heated debate is who is the greatest Final Fantasy villain? Normally, the debate is stomped by a wave of Sephiroth loving assholes. For some reason, long white hair, trench coats, and absurdly gigantic katanas are cool. Not just that, this guy’s freaking theme song is an orchestra chiming in death and destruction. The problem a lot of people seem to not realize is that the question asked who is the GREATEST villain in Final Fantasy. People seem to confuse cool with greatness.

I’m unsure if the sway towards Sephiroth is because a lot of people played FF VII as their first real RPG and considered anything before that garbage or mediocre. I do agree that Final Fantasy VII was a fantastic game and that Sephiroth was indeed a cool villain. The thing is, he didn’t accomplish much and his role as a villain was rather one dimensional. His creativity for slaughter was usually left with a sword swing and some fire. His actual development as a character was rather bland and nonexistent.

I know. I know.

Take a deep breath.

It hurts to hear this kind of criticism about the One Winged Angel but I’m about to open your eyes to a true villain. Someone who’s appearance was comical but their lust for destruction was their only drive in life. There wasn’t a waking moment where this monster didn’t think about the end of the world. Many villains feel this way but he isn’t a Cobra Commander or Doctor Claw replica. Where many villains fail and constantly try again, Kefka succeeds. Here’s a look into the devilish antics performed by the supernatural sociopath known as Kefka Palazzo.

As the game begins, Kefka Palazzo is only known as the Emperor’s Court Wizard and doesn’t seem to be more than just some queer looking clown. The Emperor decides to begin a process of infusing Magitek into humans. Kefka decides to volunteer for this process and is able to wield magic. Come to think of it… how was this guy the Court Wizard if he couldn’t control magic to begin with? Anyway, an obvious homage to Captain America occurs and Kefka becomes Captain Magitek and stops the World War that is plaguing the planet and is pronounced the savior of the world.

The End.

Things didn’t work out that way, sadly, for Kefka and he turned into a psychopath who deemed that everything ever in the entire world had to die. He became the Joker with magic. He forces Terra, the main character in the story, to wear a slave crown and attack a town that claims to have an Esper in their mines. Terra manages to escape the enslavement and runs off. Kefka, obviously angered by this decides to burn down an ENTIRE fucking castle just to kill a bitch. Pretty hardcore right? Sephiroth lit up a small secluded town but Kefka razed a whole castle.

Final Fantasy 6 Kefka Palazzo – poison
Final Fantasy 6 Kefka Palazzo – poison

After burning down a castle what else should you do? Grow impatient obviously! The Empire decides to attack the Kingdom of Doma and begins a long and drawn out siege. What does Kefka do to make things move a long faster? Does he impale a girl in the back with a sword? Hell no. Kefka poisons the kingdom’s water supply killing everyone inside, including Cyan’s, one of your party members, wife and his children. I don’t remember any Final Fantasy villains poisoning the innocent because they were consuming too much of their schedule.

When you’ve poisoned an entire kingdom what else can you do at the end of the day? Drink a cold beer and watch some TV? Take a hot shower and go to bed? Or freeze all your enemies in place and order one of them to prove their loyalty and kill their friends? The latter sounds like the best idea for this bad ass motherfucker. Unfortunately, the character he ordered to prove their loyalty stabbed him instead. But guess what? Big whoop. Instead of getting medical treatment he kills his king and draws in the powers of a couple of magical statues to become a God.

Looks like your team fucked up, huh? This guy is God and you know what his first order of business is? He isn’t going to hang a meteor over your most populated city. He reshaped the entire planet pushing it into a post apocalyptic world and then demanded people to worship him. You know what happened to the millions of people who said “Fuck that!” collectively? Independence Day. He burned them down with enough force to carve scars into the planet’s surface.

He became a God and forced people into his worship and still that isn’t good enough. This cum dumpster decides it’s a damn good idea to just end life since that shit is meaningless to him. Sure he’s defeated by the heroes of the story but that’s the point! He didn’t care if he died. In reality, he probably let them win because he was too much of a bad ass to die. He figured he was way to cool for the world of the living anyway. His death was his final “F U” to the world since he already fucked it up and now he’s dead and doesn’t have to bother to clean that shit up.

By now, I’m hoping your frothing has ended and you realize the error of your ways. I know it’s going to be hard to put away your Sephiroth figurines and wall posters but you have finally been educated or rather re-educated in the makings of a true monster and villain. You may subconsciously still blurt out Sephiroth’s name like a slutty wife screaming out her secret lover’s name when the question arises as to who is the greatest Final Fantasy antagonist but you will feel that itching in the back of your mind. You know you’re wrong and some day you can even accept that.

Blizzard’s New World of Warcraft Expansion Targeting Their Original Player-base?

WoW Kobold
WoW Kobold

Warcraft Expansion Targeting Their Original Player-base

Rumors have been coming down the grapevine that Blizzard is moving away from the traditional attitude of making each expansion easier than the last. The audience that they garnered in during Wrath of the Lich King seem to be involuntarily entering a new “old” era of World of Warcraft. Not only is the expansion revamping the old vanilla zones but it seems that old combat rule sets are about to follow in. Are they attempting to isolate their WOTLK Ez-Mode audience that has been showered in epic loots for sneezing in the right direction? It sure seems so.

Some Beta contestants have been mentioning that level 81 greens in Cataclysm are stronger than epics that drop off of Arthas in WOTLK. Sound a bit familiar? The same formula was used in Burning Crusade where you could replace your entire Tier 3 set and weapons by level 64 with vastly more powerful “uncommon” gear. On top of this change, they are putting the “epic” back into purple by making blues a much more common drop. Testimonials from people in Beta have been mentioning they have yet to have seen a purple item. They are mentioning that the abundance of blues are the equivalent of seeing a warrior in Valor Armor with a purple from Stratholme or UBRS before Molten Core came out. In Vanilla WoW, when you saw someone with an epic, even just one, it really meant that item was purely epic because of the miniscule chance something like that would drop. Is there a reason Blizzard is reverting to this style of loot dropping? Some players are so upset about this they have even vented their rage on the forums how there will be more blues in Cataclysm than in WOTLK. One possible troll stated even if the blues have stats that are equivalent to a purple they refuse to have to raid to get purple colors now. A bit immature? Well, that’s WoW’s community for you.

Another homage to the old school playing style of World of Warcraft will be the return of Crowd Control! That’s right, Mages! You can start Polymorphing again! It had seemed that during WOTLK, CC had become a thing of the past and players would do the simple thing and just body pull and use Area-Of-Effect spells to burn everything down quickly. Healers would just spam their fastest heal and keep the tank up constantly. In Cataclysm, Blizzard (and something beta tester can attest to) mentions that combat difficulty has increased significantly and just nuking everything that is still moving isn’t going to work anymore. Players are going to actually have to use their crowd controlling abilities to keep pulls safe.

Tanks are also going to have a bit more of a problem now because healers are being forced to use more than one heal to keep them alive. Yes, they are making healers have actual heal rotations because they are making their spells more mana hungry. Tanks hit points won’t be able to keep up with massive bombardment from 9 mobs at once any longer. It looks like Blizzard is trying to make all players fill a more important and diverse role in a group even in lowly dungeons.

Is Blizzard looking to bring back players that have left and also bring in new players that haven’t been spoiled by WOTLK easy handouts with the new Team Jacob race? If this is the case, how is their majority audience in WOTLK going to fair when Cataclysm releases? The expansion still has awhile to go before their release date and there are always more features and additions to throw in but if this is the course that they are going how negatively could this impact their current population?

Japan, I Left Your RPGs On The Sidewalk And Changed The Locks. We’re Through!

Chrono Trigger cry
Chrono Trigger cry

Japan, I Left Your RPGs On The Sidewalk And Changed The Locks. We’re Through!

Dear Japan,
My dear and sweet Japan, it breaks my heart to write this message. I hope this tear stained letter lets you know that the way I felt about you… about us was something I will always cherish. While the flickering flame on the candle that represented my love for you has been snuffed, the moments we shared will always be emblazoned into my mind and heart.

Do you remember when we first met, my childhood friend? I was seven years old walking through the SNES rental section of Blockbuster looking for a new game to rent. My little childish sticky hands were all over the Aladdin rental box, a smile stretching from ear to ear as I imagined taking the fight to Jaffar. I skipped down the aisle looking for my mommy so that I could go home with Aladdin and enjoy the adventures of an Arabian night. The other games looked on as I gleefully took flight down towards the register. I was blind to their laminated glare.

Like a rifle’s laser scope, I could feel the pressure of a presence weighing down upon me. This entity’s gaze was fixated on me, reaching out for a friend. Slowly turning to my left, my heart went a flutter. Behind the plastic wrappings of the case was an unknown creature holding a wicked sword. Its white fur and pink nose were innocent yet it held a darkened tormenting blade that screamed out to me like a van with free candy. My grip on Aladdin loosened as he fell to the ground face down and like a handicapped older woman was unable to get up without my help. That is where Aladdin would remain though, living away his last breaths as I stepped closer to examine the enigma in front of me. My fingers raced against the title as I dared to utter the name, your name…
Final Fantasy III.

At the time I was ignorant to your true identity. How could I have known? I was only a child and you offered me the ambrosia of adventure. I brought you into my home and for the first time in my life, I learned from a game. I read, I established connections with a game’s characters, I felt remorse for a fictional struggle, and I…

Well, you know…

I fell in love.

Yes, I said it. I fell in love with you, Japan and your RPGs. I still wanted to take that magic carpet ride but not with Aladdin. You engrossed me into your adventures and made me actually care about story and my characters. I chose characters who statistically sucked but because I felt for their background, I strived to turn them into weapons of perfection so we could see their adventure through to the end. I never thought I would experience anything like this ever again. I thought our love was a once in a life time voyage, a one night stand that left me laying in my motel room bed dripping like a used whore.

I was wrong. You kindled my heart through and through for the years. You invaded my life like a powerful militant country raping and pillaging my childhood for resources. You attempted to take them by force but you didn’t expect one thing, Japan. I welcomed you with open arms.

Like Teth-Adam meeting his Isis, your power and my love for you flourished for years to come. Chrono Trigger, Final Fantasy, Breath of Fire, Suikoden, and the others. Month after month, year after year, it seemed like an eternity that our love would last.

Then things changed…

You became predictable. Another story about a hero who has amnesia? Another villain who dresses like David Bowie? What was that? Someone wants to destroy the world for no fucking reason? Wait, what? The hero can’t speak and can only express themselves by exclamation points and question marks? This is what you bring me?

Like a disgruntled woman on her anniversary, discontent with the predictable present of flowers and a dinner at Bennigan’s, my loins yearned for more than what you had to offer. I had seen too many movies on Lifetime. You were the villain in all of this. You were the man who didn’t lust for me and you know what, Japan? I stopped lusting for you. I went back home. I went West. I went to America.
The West showed me something that you couldn’t show me. They showed me how my actions can change the story. They showed me how my hero was capable of the greater good or the most unspeakable horror. America wasn’t one dimensional. They let me choose.

You forced me into this linear adventure with the same old characters. You took away the tragedy that I loved in you. There wasn’t any drama. You filled your games with twelve year old heroes who from the very beginning accepted their role as a savior. You are nothing like America and I’m sorry for that.

I love my complicated and deep storylines. I love my free reign in the events to unfold. I love not playing as a clean shaven emotionally complicated hero. I love The West’s Clint Eastwood attitude. It makes me feel like I’m in control. Not you! Me!

Knights of the Old Republic, Fallout, The Elder Scrolls, Mass Effect, and Dragon Age have yanked me from your grasp. I didn’t secretly leave you. The evidence was there the whole time. They took what your wrought and pushed it to another level… a level that I’m afraid you won’t reach.

Japan, you are the clean shaven boy with flowers who took me to the prom, the one who promised to bring me home before 11pm. America is the boy I want to leave with after 11pm. He has tattoos, he smokes, and his motorcycle is fueled by the blood of kittens. At the end of that night, you hope I give you a kiss but America hopes they can pop all my cherries in one session.

I’m sorry Japan, but for now this is good bye. Your lack of creativity, your undying urge to force me into a position I don’t think I want to be in, your inability to manifest a story that hasn’t already been done, and making me play as a he-she has forced this.

Is this the life that you want to lead? Will you take the road that has been laid out before you or will we meet again somewhere else in our lives?

Good bye Japan…
Your Umi-kins.

Frankenstein Computers Make Little Girls Cry

Family Guy Six Million Dollar Man
We Can Rebuild Him

Frankenstein Computers Make Little Girls Cry

Contrary to how much of a dick I portray myself to be, I am not a heartless monster. Normally when I decide to help someone it is usually to get them to shut up and stop nagging. There are a few occasions in a given year where I actually truly help people for the hell of it. Some of those instances are rather memorable because of the outcome and how good I felt inside from helping someone in need.

Of these far and few times, I remember the night I was asked to create a computer overnight for a little girl who just came from Cuba. She was the daughter of the cleaning crew at my mother’s office, a family struggling to get by during this tough economy. Their daughter had begun school and some way or another she was qualified to be given a computer so that she may do her homework and studies since a lot of textbooks and assignments are now done via software. Of course, when someone is given something for free it is normally a bag of dicks and is made from some E-Machine abomination in the late 90’s. It was only a matter of time before it exploded into a nuclear mess.

The specifics weren’t given but the computer died. I can only assume they spilled Materva on it since that is what I believe little Cuban children sustain themselves on. It could also have been a faulty power supply. I don’t know. I like labeling people. Her school wouldn’t supply her with another computer and her parents couldn’t cover the repairs or the cost of a new one. With most of her work being done on the machine she couldn’t get anything done and was marooned in situation a lot of families nowadays must be experiencing.

Her parents told my mother their sad tale and she decided to tell them I could build them a computer for free. She knew I had junk parts all over the place. It wasn’t a secret that I hoard shinies in the computer chassis in my room. I was involuntarily volunteered to create a new but stable atrocity from the discarded parts in my possession. Normally, I wouldn’t have minded doing this but I was given a single night deadline for some reason. You don’t ask my mother for an extension because she assumes you can find compatible components and install everything in the blink of an eye. She was under the theory that this would only take me a mere two hours to complete. She was so far from wrong.

Grabbing an old Dell unit that used to belong to my sister, I thought this would be an easy task as well. My heart and mind told me otherwise, constantly reminding me that nothing is easy when you believe it will be. I was going to just delete all of my sister’s files, remove her profile, and create a new one. Wham, Bam, Thank you Ma’am. Am I right or what?

No, I was wrong. There was something seriously wrong with my sister’s old computer. Out of nowhere a blue screen erupted forth, the harbinger of ill omens. Being the totally awesome guy I was, I knew it was the memory being a dick so I switched the sticks from some other cadaver unit sitting in my closet. The storm had cleared and the unit booted into Windows. As I began my purging of the registry I noticed there was a virus in the unit. Well, let me rephrase that. There were 28 high risk trojan viruses and I could only remove 14 of them. Normally after running three different antivirus softwares, if you fail it is wise to just reformat the computer since it is the easiest resolution. For this who know me, though, I hate reformatting a computer because it means I gave up on finding a true solution to the problem.

After attempting to remove them multiple times manually, I managed to have only two viruses left that would not go away. I googled many operations I could conduct to remove these annoyances but I couldn’t figure out how to do so. I spent a good four hours trying to avoid the inevitable. I decided to reformat.

It wasn’t until after I reformatted using my own Windows 7 CD that I realized I should put Windows XP on the system and use an old COA from one of my trash units. Unfortunately, I lost my Windows XP CD and this is where I began to curse to the Heavens. Why would God do this to me? Why would he make children in Africa starve and I had to suffer a similar fate by losing my Windows XP CD? What a cruel maker, I thought. The only option was to torrent the Windows XP software and burn it to a disc. As I torrented I began to search for a CD to burn it to. Turns out I ran out of CDs. I made the ultimate sacrifice and burned the operating system onto my Hulk VS Wolverine disc. My heart was shattered and broken.

Once the unit had Windows XP installed, I decided to put in the stable software I normally put into a freshly made computer: AVG, Malware Bytes, Google Chrome, Flash, Open Office and VLC Media Player. As I made my attempt to connect to the internet to install the drivers for the video card, I realized I couldn’t establish connection and that I didn’t know the name of any of the components on the damn system! My blood boiled with rage! It was already 4 am and I began my quest at 10PM! This was a travesty!

Murder filled my thoughts as I traversed the Dell Support site looking for the components that matched this unit. I couldn’t pin point the make and model specifics and I ended up having to mix and match the drivers till I found the correct ones. After multiple attempts at trial and error, the unit began to function. Hastily, I installed all the software and made sure the unit worked.

There was one thing missing though. I forgot this little girl needed a monitor, mouse, and keyboard since her school took her computer and all the components associated with it. Scurrying through my treasures I found an old mouse, keyboard, and an old 17″ LCD I thought I lost. Being the paranoid person I am, I made sure about three times that the system booted up, everything worked, and that all the components were properly functioning. Finally, I turned off the unit and put the entire thing on the table for my mother to pick up and take to her office. It was 6:45AM and I collapsed in bed.

It wasn’t until that night that my mother told me she gave the computer to the little girl. I really didn’t care what the girl’s reaction was. I just wanted to make sure the computer didn’t break or explode or something and all my trials were in vain. Turns out, the family was shocked I actually did it and that it was running better than their old computer. They thanked my mother for being so generous and asked her to thank me for staying up all night to build this perfect abomination for them. I don’t like to be thanked. It feels weird every time someone thanks me. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s some crazy psychological thing. Maybe I was molested by Mickey Mouse at Disney World and he thanked me for the feel up which I just blocked out but subconsciously get defensive when I am thanked. Crazy shit man… crazy shit.

Anyway, the part of this story that actually made me feel that I did something positive for this girl was what my mother told me next. She said the girl cried when she received the computer. She wasn’t used to people being so nice for nothing in return and broke out into tears. I felt good inside. Not because I made a little girl cry. I’m not some sick freak that enjoys watching children lose control of their emotions. I felt good because the “thank you” I got from this girl was genuine. This humdrum activity which I thought was more trouble than it was worth actually repaid me in full and I felt good about it.

I never met these people and I don’t really need to. Just knowing that I may have actually changed this girl’s life by showing her not everyone is a communist dickhole is something I will always remember. Sometimes not being a total douche and actually accepting someone’s need for help while not being promised anything in return pays you back in ways you didn’t really expect.

Defeat the Boss or Drop a Duece?

Final Fantasy IX characters
Now with more characters!

Defeat the Boss or Drop a Duece?

Once upon a time, a boy named Umar was playing Final Fantasy 9 and was about to beat the game. Before embarking on his journey to vanquish Kuja, Umar decided it would be a wise idea to eat lunch. The idea was sound at the time and surely nothing would hinder the ending experience Umar had vanquished so many Tonberries for. It wasn’t until sitting down and unpausing the game to begin the final scenes against Kuja that Umar realized he had orchestrated his own folly. You see, Umar was like a human duck. If he ate, it was only mere moments later that shit will be begging for sweet cataclysmic release. A dire time bomb situation ignited in front of the boy. Should he defeat Kuja or take a shit? Who would purposely prairie dog themselves when there is a toilet twenty feet away? After serious deliberation, the decision was set in stone. Kuja was going to die.

As if his ass began its own Final Fantasy random encounter, his turd became a Tonberry that slowly progressed forward toward the light. Umar knew he had to end Kuja and quick or it was “game over” for his Mom’s carpet. The battle began. Casting his protection and haste spells, war was waged. Sweat began to drip from his brow as he quickly realized Kuja was no pushover. The encounter was going to take longer than 2 minutes and the Tonberry situation grew more grim. Biting down on his lower lip, he unleashed all hell upon the transexual foe of the story. Bubbles were erupting and crying out from within his body, lashing like molten lava waiting to cover the land of Pompeii. His choice began to become a blur and regret began to sink in.

In some situations, it would be wise to ease out a fart at this time. Believing this to be true for this instance, the action was clear. He knew it was a double edged sword but he couldn’t just pause the game and run to the toilet. No, that would be illogical! Slowly, the gas which composes part of Venus’s atmosphere slid out. It was subtle and safe for the most part until an unrelenting quake erupted. “Oh no”, Umar exclaimed as he realized that this big burst could’ve produced a bacon strip on his underwear or far worse. Tightening up, he decided not to check his drawers and proceed to vanquishing Kuja.

Numerous Ultima’s were being cast as this angry reimagining of David Bowie from Labyrinth attempted to wipe out the boy’s party. Zidane entered a Trance which spelled hope not only for Vivi and Dagger but for Umar’s ass as well. Kuja was slain and the ending CGI sequence would begin. “Yes!”, an exasperated Umar managed to mutter as the screen began to fade to black. His toes were now curling up and he had entered a dance that somehow lessened the need to let it all go. As Kuja laid slain, Umar knew he could finally enjoy the climax of the adventure. Then, the unthinkable happened…

Kuja was the penultimate boss. Rather deceitful isn’t it? There was no mention of this Necron individual and now he stood in front of Umar, mocking him and his anus. History was rewritten for this moment. There was no Necron in Final Fantasy 9 at all. Not until now, at least. No one remembers that Kuja was the true enemy at the end of the game because the malevolent Gods of gaming decided to toy with this mortal boy who dared defy them and not run to the toilet while he had a chance. He had come this far and that shit had to wait. It was only Umar and Necron. Only one would walk out alive.

The Gods knew how the tale would end though. The boy was not ready mentally and physically for this obstacle and Necron dispatched him. His party fell in combat like lemmings running toward a cliff. The sound of metal stretching and pulling echoed through Umar’s body as the game over music played. Tears streamed his cheeks. Not the cheeks of his face but his ass for it was sweating holding back the apocalyptic spill it was suppressing. Finally running to the toilet, Umar opened the portal to the mouth of hell as fecal demons erupted forth. The Moon began to bleed and horrors raped the Earth. His failure was the doom of us all. Sitting on his throne of shame, he realized that he had lost.

______________________________________________________________

Have you ever had to make such a dire and overwhelming decision while playing a video game? Tell us about your adventure so that your legend can be echoed in the Halls of Valhalla.

Repost Rewind: The Art of the AFK

The Avatar of War

You know what’s great about World of Warcraft? Well one is the fact that at any time of the day you can log on and find a ton of others to play with or against. You can immerse yourself in it, for better or worse. The not so great thing about World of Warcraft is that you cannot pause it. Even the most pimp ridden, sunlight deprived, basement dwelling teenager needs to step away from the keyboard. A.F.K., Away From Keyboard, most of the time someone typing that causes no alarm, this article is not about those times.

I’m just as guilty as you are

I’m new here; this is my first post, so before I get all smart-alecky on you I will tell you a story about myself. During my days in Everquest (You know EQ right, the first 3D MMO?) I was in a guild called, Clan of Shadows, ran by its leader, a fowl loud mouth named Mack. He would scream and curse and do everything to grief other players and guilds, good times. By the time I joined I was growing tired of EQ. For those that don’t know EQ had raids that could last eight plus hours, so one could grow tired very easily.

We were in a zone called Kael, after the boss of the zone, King Tormax, aka, The God of War. We had to wait for him to spawn and spawn times in EQ could run from two to twelve hours. This did not keep his guards from spawning so we had to clear them out and keep other guilds from popping up and stealing him. (There were no instances in EQ at the time.)

After about seven hours I was tired and didn’t want to play anymore. My office chair was small and my ass much too big. I sent a tell (whisper) to Mack letting him know I was going to A.F.K for a bit and feign death my shadow knight right where we were to pull the boss. He typed back something I could not make out, but I assumed it was approval so I went A.F.K for just a few minutes.

Four hours later I awake and rush over to my computer to find this.

Just pretend this is the right zone and that Talon Zek guy is The Avatar of War and the arrow pointing to Rulfridah’s corpse is really pointing to my, still alive feign death’d self. I was scared. I knew how crazy the guild leader was, but I figured they wiped either way, that I made no difference. I was wrong.

I scroll through my chat log and find the following:

(Edited for time and content)

Mack tells the guild: Pulling AOW, get ready!

Mack tells the guild: AOW incoming!

Mack tells the guild: Heal me mother f…kers!

Mack tells the guild: I’m turning this fat bastard!

Mack tells the guild: We got him if you f..kers don’t f..k up!

Mack tells the guild: HEAL!!!!

Mack tells the guild: I’m down! Second Tank, Tank that mother f..ker!

Mack tells the guild: You stupid f..ks heal the goddamn tank!

Mack tells the guild: We’re losing tanks like I’m losing hair dealing with you stupid mother f..kers!

Mack tells the guild: 10%, balls to the wall!

Mack tells the guild: 3%, you are about to bust a nut, don’t f..k up now!

Mack tells the guild: 1%, we are out of tanks! Someone tank!

Mack whispers me: Get the f..k up and tank, he’s at 1%!

Mack whispers me: Tank you mother f..ker!

Mack whispers me: Oh my f..king God, are you A.F.K? Tank! Tank! Tank!

Mack tells the guild: We lost because of that A.F.K.’ing mother f..ker Reebo! Everyone send him tells!

Mack whispers me: If it wasn’t for Affirmative Action I would kick you from the guild right now!

So in the end if I wasn’t A.F.K we would have beaten AOW. I felt so bad I had to post on the boards and confess my sins.

Click here to read the full post

In the end I apologized and was spared though mostly because I made videos of our raids that Mack liked that and Affirmative Action.


Dear Game Industry, Hire Some Real Writers

Dragon Age Origins bitches
Dragon Age Origins bitches

I don’t want to sound bias but do video games lacking story make you want to play the sequel or even finish the game? I think a well-established story can motivate you to playing a game to its full completion. There are so many video games that I have picked up that I just can’t finish because the story and game play are so bad that I don’t even want to bother completing it. Do game companies just think of a good game mechanic and just say “Ya know what? Let’s just build something decent around this engine and hope it sells.” I honestly believe that even a game with a shitty engine could sell well if its story is captivating.

I used to be part the creative team for an online forum text based role-playing game. The game mechanics were simple. Write a 1,000 word role-play depicting what you’re doing that day in your adventure and myself or one of the moderators will come in and grade your writing and let you know how much damage you did if you were fighting, what you would be fighting, or how you should proceed given the options you are left with. Sounds tedious doesn’t it? Writing over 1,000 words just to illustrate what you were doing is a bit obnoxious but we did it this way so we got players to make actual stories and not just “NATHANIEL WALKED INTO DA BAR AND PUNCHED MACARTHUR SO HARD!” and then we’d have to moderate that. Instead we got a short story about the character’s adventure. You may ask yourself why anyone would play this game if it was obviously so tiresome to make a post this long just to advance. Well, compared to other message boards of the same category, we were the largest with around 150-200 active members. What made people keep playing and want to part of this world? It was our story, the world, and the characters within it. It ran for about three years with constant activity until we finally shut it down because we couldn’t handle the work load with our current staff and also come up with more stories since we spent way too much time moderating. The story overtook game play and also made a lot of people much better writers than they were when they first began at the site.

Lets take Final Fantasy for instance. Very few people actually anticipated the sequels to Final Fantasy because they needed their turn-based action. People kept playing Final Fantasy because the story made you want to fulfill the accomplishment of beating the game. You wanted to be that hero with the help of your ragtag group of adventurers, which saved the world. Stories make the game memorable and even make loyal fans keep playing. I still played Final Fantasy 13 even though I thought it was one of the worst stories in any Final Fantasy or RPG ever. I continued to play it because I believed that Square-Enix would turn the story around somewhere and make this an experience that was worth enduring the bland characters and adventure. Alas, ADD addled maniacs wrote it and it ended being a total piece of shit. I did think, though, that the game play was better but not worth the agonizingly retarded story. But you get where I’m going with this? I loved the Final Fantasy franchise because of the story and STILL completed this abomination of a sequel just because I loved previous stories and believed in the game’s track record.

There are games out there with good stories but are horribly paced. Red Dead Redemption has a good story from what I can tell by my six hours of game play that I put into it, however, I’ve had the game for almost 2 months now and I haven’t bothered to keep playing it because it is astoundingly drawn out. I don’t feel I’ve made a dent in the story because of all the “filler” non-sense in between pivotal moments in the game. The initial taste of story you are given doesn’t give you an urgency to want to see what happens next because the game takes so long to introduce you to anything worthwhile and intriguing.

Then, you have games that have a story that is apparently fleshed out but it sounds like a SyFy Channel Original Movie. I know it was a blockbuster game, but Assassin’s Creed’s story was horrible. The game play is atrocious and the story is almost vomit inducing. You know how in the Matrix when they upload the knowledge of Kung Fu into Neo’s head and it only takes a whole 5 seconds for him to be a total badass? Ok, imagine Neo learning Kung Fu but it requires him to deal with some past master’s life over the course of a few hours. That is Assassin’s Creed. The introduction to the sequel had me turning off my 360 almost instantly when they mentioned the word “Templar Masters.” For villains who take place in the modern era, aren’t masters kind of a childish thing to call them? That sounds like something a five year old who couldn’t think of a creative name made up while playing with his action figures. The main character himself looks like a chump and is way too foolish to be a hero, which is what this series is setting him up to be. He has to learn from his French ancestors how to fight better or something but if memory serves me right didn’t he learn how to be awesome in the first game? Apparently not, because he couldn’t even handle security guards who lacked batons or guns on his own. He needed a GIRL to save him. Good job, nerd. A chick had to back you up against rent-a-cops. I lost interest in this game within 30 minutes.

Some games have too much story. Think about Metal Gear Solid 4. Were we playing a game or an interactive movie? From what I recall, I got to sneak around some hallways for 5 minutes before being interrupted by 30 minutes of cinematic and dialog. If you’re going to make a game heavy in story make it interactive so I have something to do while you’re blabbing about your military and science bullshit. You know what I remember about the MGS4 story? Not much at all due to the fact that every single time the game would take control away from me I left the room to make tea or I put a pillow over my face and woke up when I noticed the talking ended. The story became way too encumbering and I only finished it because it was the finale to the series or so it was believed at that time.

If the gaming industry needs someone to look to in order to make games with decent game play but highly engrossing stories there is a little company called Bioware that completely decimates the industry with its captivating stories and player involvement. Dragon Age and Mass Effect are their two hottest franchises right now and it’s hard to argue that either has a monotonous story or boring main character. Commander Shepard is a bad ass and they sway from good or evil but the ends always justify the means regardless of the decision. The nameless Grey Warden leader in Dragon Age does what needs to get done despite the situation he/she is placed under. While I love both franchises, I dislike the villains and I feel they could do more than just have a villain who wants to shit dicks all over the world because they are evil. In Dragon Age, Loghain was a rather interesting character but they didn’t focus much on him. I feel if they did it would’ve been much more difficult to stomp on his dreams and kill him when it came down to it. The game always leaves you thinking that he is possessed by a demon or somehow working for the enemy, but he isn’t. He’s just a man with an opposing view and you aren’t really given a chance to understand his action because you get the option to decapitate him, which any reasonable person will do. Only a total pussy wouldn’t chop off someone’s head if given the option. Do note how I compliment the story so much in these Bioware games but I don’t even mention the game play experience. That would be because it is rather simple and nothing introduced has been revolutionary. It’s the story that kept me playing over and over and over.

So video game industry, this is what I’m demanding from you from now on. There will be no “ifs”, “ands” , or “buts” about this. I want a hero who isn’t a metrosexual and has a beard. Yeah I said it. I want more heroes with beards. I want a villain who has a really good reason to want to do the things they do other than just being a total chode. We need someone we could see siding with if given the appropriate circumstances. I don’t want “The dark forces of” to be part of a story anymore. I’m sick of one-dimensional villains. Why can’t it just be an opposing country or something? Sephiroth wasn’t born evil. He went bat shit when he found out how he was made and wanted to destroy the planet for his mama. See? I can side with that. He loved his mom so much he wanted to make her proud. I’m sick of Ganon being a total dick for no reason. I want likeable party members. I don’t need anymore Wakka’s or Snow’s who think they are hot shit but are incredibly obnoxious. Do the creators even play the games? Do they not notice how annoying these kinds of characters are? Get rid of them. If you want a fun loving side character make him a happy drunk or something. Don’t make the game a movie by leaving us on the sidelines with lack of interactivity. I don’t want to sit through dialog that I have no say in for thirty fucking minutes. If this scene really has to happen make it worth listening to. Don’t get all scientific and shit. I’m playing this game for entertainment, not to learn how to fucking make a clone in real life. This is all I demand from you. In return, I will give you my money if you don’t somehow fuck this up.

Do you guys think that the story matters in a game or are you fine with stories that are as bland as Tetris?

My Own Misconceptions of the Word Mature (Warning: This gets mature, guys.)

Super Mario Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Picture is Irrelevant!

Hello all! We are a new guild/community called Satan’s Bastards! We are now recruiting and/or are always looking for more members to join our mature community. Come join us if you are like-minded and looking for a fun gaming experience!

And there is the bait…

It seems online that many gaming communities seem to not understand what the word mature implies. There is also the possibility that I do not quite grasp the definition of this term but before you dismiss me, please bestow me a chance to rant about the latest and past online injustices I have witnessed in regards to the word “mature”.

As of late, I have been playing on a Team Fortress 2 server that is hosted by a community, which advertised themselves as mature. Upon viewing the group’s name I came to the assumption that they were the kind of mature that fit my definition of the term.

When Mr. Umar Khan thinks of the word “mature”, he thinks that there is a group of individuals who are adults and are willing to get involved in adult conversation and don’t scream over the use of foul language. The kind of adult conversation would be one in which you could say a joke you heard on a Comedy Central stand up routine and the use of foul language is used not to insult someone by calling them a “thunder cunt” but rather a shout out to the current situation at hand.

Here is an example of improper use of foul language online:

“You fat slimy cum dumpster piece of shit! Why don’t you choke on cocks?!”

A proper example for the use of foul language online would be:

“Aww, that’s a bag of dicks! I didn’t see you around the corner!”

See how the improper example is a direct insult while the proper example is more of an exclamation of surprise and self-loathing for not being careful? This would be my definition of a mature community. One who doesn’t mind the use of TV-M rated material found on HBO and FX. Unfortunately, time and time again I am proven erroneous in this view.

Giving the server a chance, I decided to join and play some 2Fort with them. After a few minutes I noticed there was one player probably no older than fifteen years old screaming about how no one was helping him on his team. He continued to rant how if he weren’t playing no one would get the job done. The player came to the belief that everyone was not helping him on purpose. As expected online, the admins and tagged members of this community jokingly said that they all banded together just to make his life difficult in this map. Noting that they had a joking demeanor, I decided when I saw an opening I was going to poke fun. The kid began to scream on the mic that a chunk of the wall was missing. I noted that one of the members of the community replied in the following fashion, “Stop being such a bitch!” Finding that opening I had longed for, I retorted to this angry teen that his mother was missing a chunk. It was a simple and mostly harmless joke. That’s what I thought at least. A few brief moments later I was warned to be respectful of other players’ moms. Being the snappy online bastard I am I asked if it was acceptable to state that my own mother was missing a chunk? I was told I would be kicked if I didn’t calm down.

The belligerent child was quiet for a good hour until his scout tried to jump onto our battlements and one of my stray rockets blew him out of the sky in one hit. He replied “Lucky ass crit rocket.” To his defense, he was truly correct in his statement. I didn’t mean to hit him but I certainly did by accident. The admin informed him not to use foul language. It was at this point I began to think about the word “maturity” and how these people seemed to have mislabeled it. The community was named after a very famous villain in the Bible who plagues mankind with bad stuff and they were his “gamers”. To fast forward the story a bit, the kid replied “Ok fuehrer. “ and they banned him for being a racist. Now, a group that advertises itself as mature and goes by the name of something evil isn’t really hitting their mark if by “mature” they actually meant family friendly. I quickly left the server because I knew with my kind of Internet white knight behavior I would’ve been banned at any moment.

I’ve been gaming online for quite some time now and I do have to say that in my journeys across cyber space that I have run into this situation before. When I played Everquest, I had joined multiple mature guilds and ended up getting guild kicked out of most of them because I didn’t know mature meant not to say “ Wow, that is pretty gay!” In World of Warcraft, I found one guild that fit under my definition of mature but I got banned from that one because one of the officers called me a racial slur directed towards a person of Middle Eastern descent and the guild leader didn’t believe me despite screenshots. The only guild I think fit the perfect example of maturity was the guild I found in Warhammer Online. They are the now defunct guild called “Da Lost Boyz”. We could talk as much garbage as possible and still be on good terms with everyone in the guild. We were like some sort of hive mind that all thought alike.

I’m not really sure I am grasping what mature means when someone describes it online but if you’re going to rant at me about being mature while you’re playing a seven foot drooling troll warrior, I think someone needs to step back and re-evaluate their own current situation. If mature means family friendly, then please say so. If mature means you’re willing to handle adult content then I believe you are currently on the right track to advertising your guild/community properly.

What are your thoughts on the definition of mature and how it relates to a guild/community? Have stories of your own where your misconception of the word got you or someone else in trouble? Please share! We want to know all about it!

Gamer Parents – Bargaining

Calvin and Hobbes tantrum
Calvin and Hobbes tantrum

At some point in childhood there comes a toy or electronic that we must have. The problem is a holiday or birthday or other gift giving event is nowhere near by. Sure we had things like allowance and little jobs here and there, but that was not even close to what the item cost. So what did we do? Today many kids would just tantrum their way to the gift or play one parent against the other or something just as unseemly. It happened in the past to, but for many of us we turned to the age old practice of bargaining.

The art of bargaining has been passed down through many forms, sometimes our siblings teach us what to do and sometimes we see our parents bargaining and copy them. Most of the time a child will bargain after trying the “please” barrage several times just enough to annoy the parent, but not enough to be punished for it. Most of the time the child has also tried asking grandparents and other relatives for said item before the bargaining begins. Once a number of alternatives have been tried it’s time to contemplate how you are going to bargain with your parent or parents.

The Planning Stage

The kids that are best at parental bargaining are the ones who think out what they are going to give up before they run in. The last thing you want to do is give away to much or agree to something that will come back to bite you. Like giving a speech you have to say out loud what you are going to tell you mom or your dad to make sure it sounds right, at least to you. The fact is, if you are smart, you know anything you say is going to sound like nonsense to your parent, the key is that you tried and you hope to score points for that.

The Setup

I always scouted the area before going in with my proposal. See I wanted to make sure my sister would not come in and ruin everything. Siblings can kill a bargaining session even if they will share in whatever you are bargaining for. If they are not sharing in it chances are they will sabotage you so making sure they weren’t around was paramount. You also wanted little to no distractions so the idea was to catch them at a relaxing moment. Never bargaining with a busy parent was a top ten rule and a parent on the way in or out was also a no no. Controlling the room was one of the most important parts of bargaining. Once you had your stage it was just you and your parental unit, show-time.

Financing

The financing bargain was one of the most commonly used techniques. It was pretty simple; you would give up a percentage of your allowance to go toward the item. So if you wanted a hundred dollar game system and your weekly allowance was five, you would agree to give a buck or two per week. Sometimes a rookie would make the mistake of forgoing their allowance until the debt was paid, but this was clearly a mistake because it could possibly mean months without an allowance. What was good about this strategy was it had a high success rate because you were using your own money (in a sense) for something you wanted. It showed maturity and was hard to say no to.

The Combo Deal

I personally was not a fan of the combo deal, but it is the most widely used bargaining technique. How it works is you would combine birthdays, Christmas’s and other give giving events into one so you could get the gift you wanted.

“Mom, if you buy me the Super Nintendo it can count as my birthday gift and my Christmas gift in one!”

The problem with this is the fact that often kids give away too much. It is entirely possible that you could receive said item for a birthday gift and now you gave away your Christmas gift as well. Now granted, most parents are not going to leave their child present-less on Christmas, but still, that’s just a bad negotiation. Now if we could prove the child knew he or she could make such a deal knowing full well come Christmas and/or their birthday they would get a gift regardless then I would call this the best strategy ever.

Goods for Services

The old tried and true, this method trades more work for whatever you are bargaining for, but it has its issues. First, most kids don’t know what their labor is worth. Is raking leaves for six months worth that Double Dragon game? Second, if you end up disappointing your parents by not doing said work it can kill any change for successful future bargaining. Now if you can agree to something really simple then so be it, but we are talking children here. I recommend not using this one unless you know for certain this is the only strategy that will work.

Gift for Grades

This is the worst because if you fail to make the grade you are in a world of trouble on many fronts. Also, many times the parental unit will only give the item once the grades come in which kills your timetable. Even if you do get the grade then you will automatically be expected to keep it up even now that there is no bargain or agreement on the table. Finally, you should be trying your best anyway. (That last one was for you mom)

Whatever system you use you need to keep calm, keep quiet, keep cool and keep coherent. The last thing you want to do is sound like you are yelling or getting worked up and for goodness sakes practice what you are going to say. There are no Teleprompters.

There Are Games On Macs. It’s True!

PC vs Mac Steam
PC vs Mac Steam

For those late to the party, Macs are finally getting some PC gaming love from Valve’s digital gaming distribution service called Steam. With this new cross-platform addition to the Macs arsenal, the chic liberal Starbucks drinking hippies can now play Left 4 Dead 2, Team Fortress 2, Portal, and other Valve games built on Source. For those who weren’t aware, there was an offer to get iPod ear buds for the purchase of a Mac copy of Team Fortress 2 which could carry on to your PC version as well since the Steam Cloud works cross platform. I mention this because it also means that whatever saved state you have on your PC will move over to the Mac and vice versa so you don’t have to start all over again.

One other neat little quirk is that Mac players don’t play with only Mac users as some other games seem to segregate them to their lonesome selves. The battle against the PC and Mac can now take place with more than just words. Someone in your L4D2 team using a Mac? Let a tank flip a car on him while you rush to the safe house. Tired of the shit talkers on the PC talking down to your little apple? Become a spy, pretend to be his friend, sap his sentry and take a nice stab to their back. Finally, the war can be waged.

The scenario I described does sound a bit immature but I assure you that the internet is serious business. From personal experience, playing TF2 since the Mac launch I have seen Mac and PC users alike verbally assault one another in a brutal fashion and even personally attempt to dominate the OSX or Windows lovers specifically. It has brought a new flavor to gaming online in Source games and it’s a welcome rivalry that I think many are glad to finally play a more aggressive stance in. The only downside I find in all of this is when someone asks me if they should buy a Mac I can’t say “There are no games on a Mac.” With World of Warcraft and Source’s amazing multiplayer online games that’s all you’d really need to have as a Mac user. Before someone begins the debate that Call of Duty is better than Team Fortress 2 and that is reason enough to not buy a Mac… you need to eat a bag of dicks. Team Fortress 2 is superior to Call of Duty. I know this may cause some internet rage but that’s my stance on it and if you haven’t given Team Fortress 2 or any Valve games a chance yet you can purchase the entire Valve Library for $66.99 this weekend. That’s 22 games for the PC and 6 are available for the Mac. For those who have yet to play Steam on the Mac, what are you waiting for? Let the shit talking and rocket flying begin!

I Want This Motherf#$^in’ 3D Out of My Motherf%$@in’ Games!

3D Blood Gaming
3D Blood Gaming

I’m one of those guys that can look at a piece of technology and already label its longevity either positively or negatively. For example, I don’t see Tablet PCs going anywhere for real household use. It plays a useful role in business for IT professionals but I don’t see Little Annie and her brother Marcus finding any pivotal use in one three years from now. The practicality of tablets being used every day is nil, in my opinion. My disgust for tablets and their strong marketing push is dwarfed, however, by the tsunami of shit encompassing visual media in the form of 3D. Never have I seen such a strong push in new media as I have for 3D. As a matter of fact, I think aside from the use of motion sensor technology, E3’s main hailstorm of shit pellets came from the boisterous and unrelenting gimmick of 3D in games. I know a lot of people are now looking forward to wearing fake sunglasses indoors so they can feel like a member of the Cure while playing Gran Turismo in their sweaty Ed Hardy shirts. Good job! You’re still a douche.

When I saw Avatar was being marketed as a 3D movie I was fine with that because it said from the get-go that it was slating to be a 3D movie. It was specifically made to enhance this experience and there wasn’t enough 3D in movies around that time. Then this “Fern Gully” rip off got huge and popular and now every movie that was made for 2D is quickly adding a 3D experience. I admit though, I am a bit of a hypocrite and have seen plenty of movies in 3D since then. Alice in Wonderland had to have been the worst use of the technology thus far next to Toy Story 3 (was there even anything popping out in this movie?). I constantly vow to myself to never buy a 3D movie ticket, a 3D television, and now a 3D video game.

Do they really need to push 3D into household use? Isn’t it bad enough it already strains your eyes in the theater. If I wanted shit to come flying at me I’d go outside and have someone throw a rock at my face. There’s no need for the Blades of Athena to swirl and twirl by the nape of my nose while Kratos dismembers a God. A grenade shooting shrapnel near my eye in Call of Duty won’t enhance my experience. The last thing I want in a video game is to pause the game and drool at the beauty of the objects hovering around me (in certain viewing angles only please!). One cannot even begin to fathom the strain put onto a gamer’s eyes after a 4-5 hour Halo binge. 3D does not increase the experience of anything. It isn’t stimulating whatsoever and doesn’t need to be put into interactive media. It is a gimmick of smoke and mirrors. It’s like showing your friend what happens when you put a Mentos in Diet Coke. Sure it’s cool the first 4 bottles then you realize things get pricey and it isn’t as cool past the third bottle. I hope this addition to gaming ends as swiftly as the Virtual Game Boy.

I Had 150 Pokemon But A Charmander Named Pidgey Ain’t One.

No Mew 4 U
No Mew 4 U

There are many dismal moments that people linger on. The kind of moments that felt like they cheated their ways into life. A positive note in one’s lifelong journey can easily shift tides and become a time remembered with great disdain. One such moment was when I was eleven years old and heavily addicted to Pokemon the Game Boy game.

My brother and I, in our adolescent youth, had caught all 150 Pokemon in our game by trading with each other and making one cartridge the master trainer. The adventure took a good month’s worth of dedication. Now, for an eleven and seven year old, catching all 150 Pokemon was a pretty big deal for us. A pretty big fucking deal. Never had we banded together for such a feat in our lives. To this day we still haven’t undertaken a joint project with one another of such magnitude since we became Pokemon masters.

It was a Thursday afternoon and we both attended a karate school with our younger sister. Since our age divisions were an hour apart, we decided to do the Mew trick and catch ourselves the final 151th Pokemon to officially become grand masters in our field of Pokemonology after we got home. I had brought my Gameboy to totally pwn all of the other ninja’s in training at my dojo while I waited for my class to start. Once it was time to physically abuse my sparring partners with my paddle-like feet (They are so flat it stings when I kick you. A just punishment for making me take off my shoes to rumble.), my sister approached me and asked if she could play my Pokemon game. I told her fine but to not save. She always knew not to and was pretty good about not doing so. Rushing off to class to become a demon of Kenpo, I felt like I had the strength of 150 Pokemon on my karate belt and soon I would add one more. Time flew by and class ended as swiftly as Mankey’s karate chop attack. My siblings and I raced home filled with excitement to finally bring our journey to a close.

For those wondering how to catch Mew in Pokemon Red and Blue:

Sitting side by side on the couch, both of us were on the brink of pissing ourselves from the electricity filling the air around us. That gloomy green and black screen which only a true gamer could find beauty in of our Gameboy illuminated our innocent faces. As we prepared ourselves to load the game, we noticed it said our Pokedex said 1 Pokemon caught. Thinking it was a glitch, we loaded the game anyway. Slowly, as our hearts sank, we realized it wasn’t a glitch. We were in Pallet Town with one Pokemon named Pidgey. The insult didn’t end there. No, no it did not. That Pidgey… was a fucking Charmander. She saved over our game and we were left with a Charmander named Pidgey.

Obviously, we flipped out. Of course we did. It was the only logical reaction at the time. My sister claimed she didn’t do it on purpose and looking at her little round face with missing teeth and helmet-like haircut filled me with mercy. She was too innocent at the time to truly embrace evil and wrong doings. My brother and I never again attempted to catch those 151 Pokemon ever. We were beaten and broken. Our heads were bloodied and bowed. Never again would this kind of madness happen again, we assured ourselves. We took the reins of monitoring saved games in the family from that point on.

It wasn’t until my college years that another apocalyptic event such as this would resurface. I was eighteen at the time that Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas came out and to say the least, it was the bomb-diggity. Every day after my classes I would come home and play GTA:SA for a good 2-3 hours before getting back to business and completing my homework/studying. On the weekends, however, I would play till the sun came up. I found all the little hidden packages in the entire city, found my amusement in kamikazing planes into buildings, had all the districts unlocked, and was nearly completed with the game. If I recall correctly, it said my file had 98% completion or something around this ratio. My playtime was probably 80+ hours by the time I reached this point in the game and I only had one mission left. Carl Johnson was about to reclaim the hood and own this city. Nothing would stop him now.

During my lunch break at school, I decided to go home instead for a little something to eat. My stepfather was playing GTA when I got there and I didn’t think anything of it. I let him play my save since I had all the weapons, hideouts, and the whole map unlocked. Normally, having this kind of freedom to roam around a sandbox game is what brings the most fun. Not having to work hard to unlock everything brings unlimited enjoyments since it allows one to render an unprecedented amount of widespread carnage. Returning to school, I thought nothing of him playing the game since it was part of the norm.

Finally returning to my abode after wanting to cut myself in business class, I was ready to kick some ass and finish GTA:SA. Now I refuse to insult your intelligence as you’ve probably caught on to what has happened I will simply jump ahead to my reaction. Realizing that I had 30 minutes of gameplay on my save and being in the first neighborhood I hulked out pretty bad. Looking back at it now, I shouldn’t have tossed and kicked the living shit out of my PS2 and then sold it to Gamestop along with all my PS2 games but I basically rage quit Playstation 2 after that. I couldn’t believe that the Heavens would look down on me and smite me a second time.

It is since that time I have not allowed anyone to even play the same game I am until I beat it or I make multiple saves on multiple hard drives on my PC in the event someone does something ridiculous again. I have learned my lesson, at least I hope I have. The last thing I need is for my hard drives to die simultaneously and/or someone decides to reformat everything. Safety first and don’t trust anyone with your games. Know what? That’s what I’m going to leave with you. Safety first and don’t trust a single person you love, worship, or admire with your fucking games. Just don’t do it, damn it. Yeah I like how that sounds.

If you’ve had any horrible experiences with game save or progression losses let us know the anguish and sinking feeling in your soul. Feel free to comment!