Hansisland 020

Brought to you by the letters G and W in great anticipation of not having to mention these two letters in the same sentence ever again

Iceland is great. Lets not be all swedish about it and run around singing ‘its the final countdown’. If youre going to show someone your bottom then be environmentally aware. Please. Will environmental man shoot owners of garden heaters if he spots them?.

“Rupert Murdoch has his eye on the short-term, quick win, haven;t actually done anything yet type deal with Sweden. In this world of ‘have a KFC today and worry about a colon full of birdflu tommorow!”

[audio:http://hansisland.mypodcasts.net/audio/hansisland-2006-02-20-61531.mp3]

Ask…. Michael Moore

Picture of Michael Moore

NOTHING HAS CHANGED!

Picture of Mac I am a 28-year-old man and my wife is 27. I have been married now for 3 years but have been in the relationship with my wife for around 12 years, so we know each other very well. We have never had a very active sex life in all of the time that I have known my wife, witch has always been a problem for me and caused lots of arguments. Lately we have discussed it in quite a bit of detail and got every thing out in the open, which was fantastic, and there were no arguments. But at the end of the day nothing has changed. My wife needs very little physical contact to get by, where as I it seems need a little more.

I have never tried to create an issue about it for fear of things getting worse, but I feel so low at times. I love my wife very much but feel that if the physical/sexual aspect of our lives were better then our lives would be so much happier. It is the cause of so many arguments and bad feeling between us. I realise that my wife has a lower sex drive that me but is that it? Do we just have to except it and get on with our lives? I’ve tried to suppress my feelings and tell myself that I just need to deal with it but it keeps coming back

We have a son now who is 17 months and I have been told that a woman becomes less sexually active after the birth of a child but in all honesty it’s been the same since the day we met. Nothing has changed I really am fighting to keep my marriage afloat. What can I Do? I’m at the end of my tether.

Mac

Mike Replies-

Well Mac, looks like your in a real pickle here. I’ve done some digging into the background of your wife and I think I can explain her low sex drive, during the 2000 Bush election she worked on the Fox news “decision desk” basically these guys decide what news is aired and when, on the night of the election your wife was working closely with John Ellis, head of the “decision desk” and co-incidentally just happened to be first cousin of George Dubya,. Fox was the first to name Bush the winner.Now I am not suggesting your wife was part of the conspiracy that illegally brought Dubya back to power, but the fact that she no longer wants to do the do is a clear indication of guilt. I can get 10 physiatrists to sign an affidavit to this effect in a New-York second.

I DON’T WANT TO GET MARRIED

Picture of ConfidentialityI’ve been engaged to my boyfriend for 6 months now and he really wants us to get married this summer, I am 20 and he is 22. The problem is I’m studying for law degree and he works as a builder for his uncles firm.

When we met I really did love him and after 1 year we got engaged. Now I feel we are too young to get into financial responsibilities, a mortgage, bills, car bills, food bills etc (I still sponge from my parents!)

The thought of all this makes me have panic attacks. Knowing that my mum and dad used to argue constantly about money. How can I break it to him that I feel we should wait another 5 years ’til I have a good job with money coming in and he may be made a partner in his uncles firm, we’ll still be in our twenties and a little bit wiser.

I look forward to hearing your reply to my problem.

Sorry Name withheld for confidentiality reasons. I will check the web site to see my reply.

Thank you.

Mike Replies

Great, just what we need, another anonymous Lawyer, the reasons you state that you do not want to get married are fiscal. Which is more than enough evidence than I usually need to prove that you are a Republican and Bush voter.
Tell me, I really want to know — and I ask you this in all sincerity and with all due respect — how do you feel about the utter contempt Mr. Bush has shown for your safety? C’mon, give me just a moment of honesty. Don’t start ranting on about how this disaster in New Orleans was the fault of one of the poorest cities in America. Put aside your hatred of Democrats and liberals and anyone with the last name of Clinton. Just look me in the eye and tell me our President did the right thing after 9/11 by naming a horse show runner as the top man to protect us in case of an emergency or catastrophe.
That’s right, a Horse Show Runner!!
Stop thinking about yourself for 2 seconds and start thinking about your planet!!!

HE’S BEEN SEEING SOMEONE ELSE!

Hi Mike

Picture of GemmaHave tried to write this so many times already… I’ll start at the beginning. I have always been proud of the happy family I seemed to have and this illusion was wonderful until it was shattered yesterday afternoon.

Anyway, my dad works away from home and only gets the chance to come home every other weekend and odd days off. He phoned home yesterday, as usual, but he sounded upset (my nana had been ill recently and i thought the worst) that is until I passed the phone over to my mum and I heard him say he’s been seeing someone else!!! My Father!!! I have never been so upset in my life. My mother just stood there showing no emotion whatsoever!!! I couldn’t stay in the house so I grabbed my coat and mobile and went to a friend’s house. I spent the night there although I never slept.

I’ve always been a daddy’s girl, I just couldn’t understand how he could do this so this morning I rang him. He kept saying he was sorry and that he loved me and my brother but he just didn’t love my mum anymore. “The love has gone” is what he said!!! How could it of???… they’ve been married for 21 years in November!!! He’s been seeing this woman for 3 years… please help me… I don’t know what to do!!! I feel like I’m going to die!!!

PLEASE

yours, gemma, aged 17

Mike Replies

Now this just breaks my heart, another of Bush’s Youth tossed onto the scrap heap because of Dubya’s laughable domestic policy, let me explain,
Do you believe in Jesus? Really? Didn’t he say that we would be judged by how we treat the least among us? Hurricane Katrina came in and blew off the facade that we were a nation with liberty and justice for all. The wind howled and the water rose and what was revealed was that the poor in America shall be left to suffer and die while the President of the United States fiddles and tells them to eat cake.
That’s not a joke. The day the hurricane hit and the levees broke, Mr. Bush, John McCain and their rich pals were stuffing themselves with cake. A full day after the levees broke (the same levees whose repair funding he had cut), Mr. Bush was playing a guitar some country singer gave him. All this while New Orleans sank under water.
Its not your Pop’s fault he fooled around, he was practically forced into it by George and cronies. His infidelity is not going to make you die, no little missy, that’s a job for your President.

DIRTY STINKING SOCKS

Picture of PerthI’ve been feeling quite depressed lately, which is not like me at all. My brother (23) came to live with us a few months ago, promising to stay only 4 weeks, which turned into more like 10 weeks. After a while I found myself getting quite annoyed with him (my brother is a real tear away) and I wanted him to leave so we found him a flat and he moved out.

Since he left I have found myself missing him, which is really stupid, because I was so desperate for him to go at first. My friends visit the house and always comment on how empty it feels now he is gone, despite the fact that I have two adult flatmates, my partner and my daughter living with me. It just doesn’t feel like a home anymore without his loud heavy metal music, dirty stinking socks he used to pile on the front porch (!!) and his long haired misfit beer swilling friends hanging around. What’s wrong with me? Do you think I should ask him to move in when we get our own place in August?

Loving Sister (Perth)

Mike Replies

My speciality is reading between the lines. I can read a government conspiracy into a shopping list, and reading between the lines of your plea it is plain to me that your “brother” is a euphemism for the lost innocence of this great country. His dirty socks is the freedom of speech that has been eroded of the last 20 years, his rock and roll music is the truth that wants to blast out across the country and the world.
Its not your brother you miss, its the very liberties and freedoms that was once the corner stone of this once great country.
I suggest you watch my Family relationship help guide, Fahrenheit 9/11 for further info.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

Picture of KarlaI’m intending on getting married in the year 2000, but I have not a clue where to
start. I know what I want but it’s just getting it ..

I am interested in getting married on a boat which I want to hire but I don’t know where to find one that will be big enough to cater for all my guests which will be near to my location . I am finding this really stressful and time consuming and I’m even loosing sleep over it.

please help,

Karla aged 20

Mike Replies
Well Karla, who’s a little rich bitch? I suppose Pop will be paying for this boat? And I assume Pop got his money peddling arms to Iraq back in the 80’s, how do I know this? I’m Michael Moore baby, I know all, I made some calls, rattled some cages, turns out you and your happy family are covered in the blood of American troops.
Your losing sleep over the wedding? To paraphrase the great Dubya
I call upon all people to do everything they can to stop this marriage. Thank you.

Now, watch this drive

Hume

Ask…. Jordan

Picture of Jordan

Wrong by lying!

Picture of Turtleneck I know I have done wrong by lying to a guy I have met over the internet.
I told him a lie about my age and my circumstances but now after 8 months of emailing he wants to meet me and I have genuine feelings for him I really believe the things he has told me, but I said I was 30 but really I am 15 years older.
How can I face telling him the real truth I know I have to but I just cant find the face to do it. I am sure he will be so hurt and maybe scarred for life. Are there words I can use to make the truth more easier to take.
Thank you for reading this and I hope you can give me some advice I know I have done wrong by lying.
Thank you
Jordan Replies

I’ve heard everything now!!!!!!!!!!! Don’t worry about it babe. If I know blokes, and I know blokes he won’t give a rats fanny that your 55 years old, as long as he gets his end away.
Me and Pete regularly pretend I’m his mother, I make him wear nappies and all sorts!!!!
Listen love, as long a you’ve got boobs and a slot for him to put his meat an 2 veg into you’ve got “no worries” as my Pete would say.

Squiggly Worms!

Dear Jordan
Picture of SarahI wasnt sure whether you answered this sort of problem but i am so desperate i thought i may aswell try it! my name is Sarah (i dont want this on your site please, or my name) i was on the toilet, i have comstipation normally, but i had diareah this time, and i looked down to see if i was bleeding again, and i wasnt, but my poo was full of little white squiggly worms! what are they? will they damage my insides?
how do i get rid of them?
thanks
Bex

Jordan Replies
Euwww! Blurrr! Euuww, I’m gonna be sick . You don’t need a doctor love, you need a vet!!! God that’s gross. What sort of readers does this site have??? Euwwww!

What’s wrong with me?
Picture of NATALIEHi, I’m 14 and from Leicester. I’m pretty miserable at the moment… because I’m very unpopular at school. I have a couple of friends..but I’m always the girl with no partner for p.e and stuff. There are a group of girls being nasty to me for no reason at all. I try to ignore it, but they are telling all of my friends horrible things about me that aren’t true and I’m drifting further away from my friends. I go to the girls loos for an hour some lunchtimes because I’m so lonely. I’m quite smart and I think everyone is jealous or something.. That’s the only thing I can think of. I also think its because im so ugly. Im spotty with googly eyes and I look in the mirror and hate myself. I just want to cry all the time. The group of girls even have the nerve to tell of me to the teacher, saying I follow them around. If anything I do my best to ignore them. I know I’d never dream of going through with it, but I think about killing myself to make them feel guilty.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?
Please write back
THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP
NATALIE

Jordan replies
Poor Cow,
I’m not going to sugar coat it for you love. If your ugly and smart with glasses then your gonna get pounded. It’s the school ground rules nuff said. I was lucky, I was beautiful with big tits at school, loads of friends, I used to kick the shit out of spotty twats like you!! I would love to say that when you grow up and get a decent job you could lord it over us “pretty girls” who end up working at Tesco’s. But I can’t, I mean look at me. You could get 100 A levels and degree’s and all sorts, but I’ll still earn 10 times more in a week than you will in a lifetime. Plus I’m getting banged off Peter Andrea every night. (I’ve sent you a picture of Peter to make the point betterer)

I’m not saying you should top yourself babe, but at the same time I would not limit my options.

I noticed a lump
hi caroline,
Picture of MattyI’m a 15 year old male and i have a really embarrasing problemwhich cant be helped. Ive been seeing my girlfriend now for about 6 months, she is 16 and says she is ready to have sex with me. My problem isn’t inexperience with sex, its taking my top off. When i was around the age of 11,
I noticed a lump under my left nipple. I thought nothing of it at first because it was only small. But by the time i had turned 12 i had a lump under my right nipple aswell. I ignored the problem at first because they where still only small, but during that year, they grew bigger and stuck out more. I was ashamed to take my top off now.
I’ve been to the Doctors and he say’s not to worry, and they will disappear eventually.
I don’t know what to do, please help
yours sincerely Matty
p.s. please reply as soon as you can. Thanx
Jordan Replies

Oh that’s so funny! Your growing boobs!!! I’m really not the best person in the world to ask about getting breast reductions!!! Hahaha! Coz you see I had the opposite. I had breast enlargements, to make them bigger, it was the best thing ever did. You would have to be an expert breast tester to tell they were fakes mind you. Peter is always joking that that he’s a breast inspector!! But he’s not Haha, he’s a singer.
A boy with boobs. Ha! You’ve made my day. Thanxs

Woman Hater
Dear Jordan
Picture of R I am a nineteen year old straight male and have a problem with women. I am still a virgin and have only had a couple of relationships with girls; one was with a girl a year younger, while the other was with a woman twenty years my senior. Both of these relationships ended in failure and have started to colour the way I see other women. In short, I am starting to become a real woman hater. I find that I can’t talk to women and have no interest in what they have to say.
I have no women friends, most of the girls my age are too dumb, they only want to go out with men who can drive or are rich. Sometimes I feel very violent towards women because I think that that is all they want, to be treated badly.
My hatred of women is starting to affect my friendships with other men because they want to be around girls all the time, it is also making me feel very lonely and inept. Why do you think I feel this way, and what can I do to make it better?
Yours sincerely
R
Jordan Replies
Blimey you’re a right whinging get you are. You should hook up with that ugly clever bird Natalie if she has not topped herself yet. I’m sick of this. I am off to change my boys nappy, and the baby needs feeding as well 😉

It’s your Email

Welcome to “It’s your email”, this time with 50% percent real email.

Updates
What happened to all your updates, I thought this site was supposed to be updated daily?
-Graham “Skeletor” Senior

Ed- There are is two answers to this question, I let you choose which one you like better;
1) These updates are painstakingly written by a special team of slaves, however some one let them out the cage,
2) Fuck off you Pedantic fucker

If you any comments or questions, please send them to youremail@Obscureinternet.com

Derek Coleman’s quest to save the planet.

Part 6

“We are going to save the planet!” Director Michaels, head of W7, the most clandestine and well funded arm of the CIA, finished his daily briefing with his now trademark sign off.

 Michaels stared at his staff, 10 of the geekiest men and women he had ever seen, each one a near savant at their chosen fields within IT. Each with a blank cheque for any hardware, software and staff they required to achieve whatever goal Michaels initiated.
 
 Those goals included developing software that could break 128bit encryption, child’s play for Agent Wong the Asian encryption expert. He had subsequently developed algorithms that would crack 512 and 1024 bit encryption, numbers so high Michaels got headache thinking about. Another ongoing goal was to destabilize the Asian economy which had just got to big for their boots in Michaels opinion.
 6 of the team were working on a way to get X3 The Reunion to run smoothly on the experimental quad-core 8.6 megahertz pc, but they were only genius not Jesus.
 However the most important goal W7 were working on currently was to slowly and quietly take over E-Bay, the largest single market place on the planet and predicted by many to be largest and most profitable organisation ever known, Michaels plan was simple, take over E-Bay, seize control before some other Government agency did. What he did with it once he had it was question for another day. One thing is for sure though,  It was another step in the direction of W7’s ultimate goal.

W7 are going to take over the planet

Colemans Quest will return in 3 weeks.

Celebrity Big Brother 2006

Celeb Big Brother 2006, who would of thought a bunch of nobodies locked in a house would make good T.V? Seriously, who?

A Non-Celebrity plant?
My wine taste’s like soap. Is it because its off? Doubtful, it tasted alright in� the restaurant, I took the half empty bottle back to my hotel room, filled the glass out of the bathroom� and now it taste’s like soap. I guess its going to be like the Kleenex tissue’s, a mystery that will never be solved.

Rodman, what a tosser.
“Write an article on Celebrity Big Brother!” the editor of Obscure bellows at me on MSM. “No can do chief, never watched the programme” I protested, “Make something up then” there’s no arguing with the man when he’s in this mood, it would be like saying to an alcoholic “If it taste’s like soap then don’t drink it” ; red rag to a bull.

That bird who thinks she Jordan. Freak.
But even still, make something up?� I may only be an amateur at this game but I have integrity, I can’t fool the people who read OI, they would spot that I don’t know what I’m talking about in an instant, make something up? My credibility would be shredded

Barrymore, with the dildo, in the Pool
Big Brother Cluedo So, what to do, I’ve ran out of Palmolive wine, it’s late, the deadline has died and its ghost is bugging the shit out of me, the mirror in the hotel room directly above the laptop is obviously fucked as it there is some clinically obese bloke with wild staring eyes wildly staring at me every time I look at it and all I want to do is sleep. Well, there is only one thing for it, do a piss take article, jam in a couple of links and JPEGS and hope that the editor will do his usual and glance at the title, the pictures and the headers and publish regardless. What’s the worst that could happen?

George Galloway, we the Tax Payers are paying for him being in there FFS
Well I suppose he could fire me, which would mean that I would have nothing to do in my spare time except walk, and whilst out walking I could accidentally bump into an Indian gentleman who would spill the coffee that he was carrying all down his chest causing him severe burns and forcing him to go to hospital� where he would see a Pakistani doctor who botches the operation leaving the Indian dead, unfortunately the Indian gentleman’s uncle is a high ranking politician in the Indian government who demands an apology from the Pakistani government, who obviously do not back down and after a couple of weeks of rhetoric the situation escalates to a point where India is ready to deploy nuclear weapons against Pakistan at which point the world joins in and takes sides resulting in a catastrophic nuclear war that ends humanities reign on Earth.

Big Brother ends civilisation.
Or not, who cares? I’ve done my 500 words, and just in case the editor glances at the last sentence.

Bring back Jade Goody.

Hansisland 019

New Format. Torsten the Hansisland Computer gets introduced. Dog Crap and minimotor bikes receive special mention in the hansisland awards and Toptips. Yoda the speaking clock is tried out as is audrey the electronic voice.

[audio:http://hansisland.mypodcasts.net/audio/hansisland-2006-02-13-56407.mp3]

Are Proverbs Scientifically Accurate

This week, I was inspired by my neighbour explaining that I should not be worried about his dog as “His bark is worse than his bite” It promptly bit me, and after due consideration decided that although his bark was annoying his bite required a tetanus jab and thus was much worse, ergo the Proverb was wholly inaccurate. I decided to again don the white jacket and test some other well known Proverbs.

The Experiment- Are Proverbs Scientifically Accurate?

Curiosity killed the Cat – Well this was easy. In the case of Mr.Cuddles, my daughter’s kitten, it was not curiosity, it was a Saab 9000. Some of the more scientific amongst you may think, “Perhaps the kitten was curious about something in the road” well, I can assure you that’s not the case, it was far to interested in getting out of the way of my car which was reversing to be curious about anything. So this proverb is bollocks. On a side note however this did lead to some theological questions about what cats think about, and in the case Mr.Cuddles we wondered what was last thing to go through his mind, and I’m pleased to say we actually figured that one out, since it was hit from behind, it would of been his arse.

A watched kettle never boils. – I thought this would be a tricky one, so before I turned my awesome intellect to the problem I decided that a cup tea would be in order, and very shortly after proved the proverb wrong.

All roads lead to Rome – After a couple of hours stuck in traffic on the M6, I had to concede that although in terms of Physics and Geography all roads simply do not lead to Rome, it fucking feels like it.

Cold Hands, Warm Heart. – I cannot comment on how I proved this proverb incorrect until my case is heard in August.

A dog is man best friend – Instead of trying to re-invent the wheel I referred back to the incident that started this whole experiment. First I gave my best mate, Mike, a call and inquired if he would ever consider biting me, he said it would never happen, I asked if he would sign an affidavit to this effect and he agreed. We then decided to go for a drink, a bit conversation and an Indian. The next day I stuck my head over the neighbours fence, 2 seconds later a dog tried to rip my face off. I think this successfully proves this proverb utterly wrong.

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds – I didn’t understand wtf this meant so I have to conclude that as a proverb, which by definition imbues wisdom, this fails.

So there you have it. 6 separate proverbs each proved, beyond scientific doubt to be wrong. Interesting to note that my brother, a regular columnist in the science journal – Science was asked to write a rebuttal to my thesis regarding Proverbs and prove at least one was scientifically accurate, he declined, when I asked him why he turn down this challenge he told me, “I don’t want to prove my own brothers theory regarding proverbs to be wrong just as a favour to my editor. After all, blood is thicker than water.” He’s a great guy my brother.

It’s your Email

Welcome to the first edition of “It’s your email”, which despite the title has nothing to do with Chris Evans or Reef. It is in fact your opportunity to comment and quiz the ObscureInternet staff on whatever you want.

Smart Arse
Having a GCSE in maths, I know that equation can also be expressed as 2(RBQ)=BA. Therefore, while undergoing a series of difficult written tests for a job interview yesterday, I simply read the questions twice, and left the exam room a good hour before my still-writing rivals, chuckling smugly as I did so. I’d like to thank you for your assistance in getting me this job, which I feel must surely now be mine.

Ed- Thanks, for, that.

Smart Arse 2
To tap “the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” in Morse requires 104 strokes, but only 85 (including spaces) in text. Now where did I leave my anorak…

Ed- In the corspe of you dead mother/lover?

C-Word
My 18-month old baby has started to say the c-word to passers-by. What can I do?
-Denzil Granger

Ed- If you mean “Can’t” then say: “Oh yes you can!” Hopefully you will then spend a happy five minutes in a pantomime “can-can’t can-can’t” argument. If you mean “Cunt” write this child off and give it up for adopition.

It’s me, baby pigeon
And where do baby pigeons come from? I’ve only ever seen them in the movie Big Foot and the Hendersons.
-John Airey

Ed- The pigeons we are accustomed to seeing ARE baby pigeons. Fully grown pigeons are ferocious beasts with a wingspan of 30m and a body the size of a family car. Interestingly, it is these adult pigeons that seem so good at remaining hidden from view.

Original Mockney
Dick Van Dyke’s accent in Mary Poppins: iconic as DVD’s performance undoubtedly is, I don’t think he’s being accorded his proper historical significance here. Dick is nothing less than the Father of the Modern Mockney. Without him, there would simply be no Jamie Oliver etc.

Ed- Good point, terribly made.

If you any comments or questions, please send them to Itsyouremail@Obscureinternet.com

-Glen

He-Man and She-Ra – A Christmas Special

Picture of DVD caseHe-Man was big favourite of mine when I was young, so when I saw that the characters from the “He-Man” and “She-Ra” cartoons had come together for a special cash in holiday episode DVD he new I had to watch it, and review it for you.

Adora has returned to Eternia (where strangely enough it is snowing) to celebrate her and her twin brother’s, Adam birthday with her parents. She’s also brought a bunch of her wimpy girly friends (e.g. Mermista and Perfuma) from Etheria with her to join in the fun.

When Orko starts fucking about as usual, he launches Man-at-Arms’ new Sky Spy Rocket Ship, and somehow lands on Earth. Where he meets two extremely annoyingly cute children, Alishia and Miguel, who are lost in the woods. They join Orko in the Sky Spy to get out of the cold just as Man-at-Arms figures out how to bring the ship back to Eternia. Like good Christians the children proceed to share Christmas customs with their new friends.

Of course, Christmas with He-Man and She-Ra wouldn’t be complete without everyone’s favorite villains Skeletor and Hordak who are commissioned by their boss, Horde Prime, to kidnap the children and deliver them to him rather than killing them which would obviously be too easy. �Horde Prime believes their “disgusting Christmas spirit” is polluting his universe. However Alisha and Manuel are so nauseating you do hope that Skelator and Horak would just murder the children anyway.

Skeletor and Hordak compete against each other to see who can kidnap the children first (which gives us an rare opportunity to see Hordak and Skeletor interact) which leads to children being in Skeletor for most of later half of cartoon.

Alishia and Miguel seem to have strange effect on Skeletor. When the kids refuse to leave a Manchine puppy behind, Skeletor does not destroy the dog with his staff as you would expect, instead her carries it. The puppy licks Skeletor’s jaws in thanks (or perhaps he quite rightly though it was a bone) while the children explain Christmas to him;

Manuel: “Christmas is lots of fun. We get presents and we do a lot of fun things.”
Skeletor: “You mean you get in FIGHTS!”
Alisha: “No we do FUN things.”
Skeletor: “But fights are FUN.”

Picture of He-Man She-Ra and SkeletorAfter this exchange Skeletor learns the true meaning of Christmas. It has such an effect on him that he wants to send the kids back home instead of sending them to Hoard Prime. Hordak attempts to grab the kids and pull them onto his spaceship but Skeletor zaps the ship with his staff (the one in his hand) and sends the ship hurtling into the cosmos. Skeletor considers the repercussions of this action while the children hug him and He-Man and She-Ra stands right next to him taking the piss.

Now that they have infected two planets with Christmas the kids go home back to their parents who are so relieved to see them they send them straight to bed without listening to what happened to the kids.

Picture of Adam Dress as SantaOverall, this Christmas special DVD is cheesy and horrible. The strange thing is it works very well especially the parts with Skeletor as stupid as it sounds it is extremely funny.

I give this four Man-At-Arms (out of Five)

Ask…. Jack Bauer

Jack Bauser Baby

Jack Bauer was Director/Special Agent in Charge of the CTU Los Angeles Domestic Unit during the attempted assassination of Senator David Palmer, now he answers your problems.

Shall I tell her again?

Dear Jack

Not A TerroristI started hanging out with this girl. We hung out for most of the year and after about 5 months I realized I liked her, so I told her. She told me that she didn’t want to ruin our friendship. I accepted it at the time and it was akward between us for about a week after I told her how I felt, but we’ve more or less stayed friends even after she headed off to college. We worked at the same place again over the next summer vacation. I still liked her and I told her. She could tell by the way I acted around her but once again she didn’t feel the same about me. I’m now halfway through my first year of college and I’ve stayed friends with her this whole time. Over the past 2 months I’ve talked to her almost every day online. When we are both home on break we have gotten together and gone to a movie or something, sometimes just us and other times with other friends. We flirt a lot but she sends me mixed signals. Like for instance we were going to see a movie with two of our other friends and we both got picked up at the same place. Nobody was in the passenger seat in front but she said we should both sit and rest in the back and leave it for our other friend. To my disappointment nothing happened between us that night. I want to approach her again about being more then friends but I’m afraid of being shut down again. At times I think she likes me but at other times I can’t tell and I don’t know if I should approach her again or just move on? Chuck

Dear Chuck

Thanks for your letter. Lots of guys will be feeling the same way so for you and for them, here’s the answer.

If you ask someone out on a date and she wants to be your girlfriend, she’ll accept. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t. You can ask a million times but if she doesn’t want to return your kisses or be your girlfriend, she won’t. You can also ask her a million times “TELL ME WHERE THE BOMB IS” and she properly will not tell you until you shot her in both legs.

Good luck, Chuck.

She doesn’t want sex

Dear Jack

Not A TerroristI’m a 20 year old male with a few problems. Some may seem trivial or self-regarding. I’ve been with my partner for 2 years but we’ve only had sex a handful of times. She says intercourse hurts but it gets me down thinking she doesn’t want to have sex. Every time I mention it she puts it off. What can I do, Anne? Also she says she loves me but she doesn’t act the same towards me as I do to her. She would rather be silly at times of intimacy and it really gets me down. Many thanks. Craig

Dear Craig

Poor you! And poor girlfriend too. Both of you love each other but as you don’t want the same things, it doesn’t necessarily feel like it. Let’s set that out clearly: she finds sex painful and intimacy off putting, while you want sex, intimacy and affection. So who’s right and who’s wrong? Neither of you. You’re each entitled to want what you want.

So where do you go from here? Now you should realise sex is with you is painful for her, because she is a double agent, working for Serbian terrorists who want revenge for your actions in Serbia. Shot her in the back.

My friend’s gone hostile

Dear Jack

Not A TerroristI have a good friend of a few years who has suddenly become hostile and now appears rather aggressive or cross. Apparently she suddenly finds my presence and that of my children (same age and at same school as well as living nearby) too intense. I wrote her a hopefully kind letter acknowledging how she appeared to feel and saying I respected her need for space but she didn’t reply. The most upsetting thing is that my son and her son were best friends. They’ve known each other all their lives and now for some reason they are seemingly discouraged from seeing each other. I would be the first person to apologise if I had done anything to offend, but feel my opportunity to talk has been blocked. I have looked for a possible explanation. Last year she did have a traumatic event and I supported her a great deal. I wonder if she is angry at me for witnessing her distress. This is the only thing I can think of as she is friendly with all our other friends but appears to be displaying hostility to me and mine. It’s difficult on a daily basis as I am concerned for my son. He finds it hard to understand why we cannot ring his pal in the next street to come and play. I have told him that it’s an adult issue and although it affects him it’s not about him and he has done nothing wrong. I’ve also told him I’ve tried to sort it out but can’t as there’s no dialogue. I hope that I’ve done my best for my son and I wanted to ask if there’s anything more I can do to help him, especially as he may become more isolated if not called for by his friend and the group they mix with as this appears to be happening a bit. How can I manage the awkwardness for myself on a daily basis? Anonymous

I’m sorry your friend has fallen out with you for no apparent reason. It’s good that you’d be prepared to apologise if you knew you’d done something wrong, and it’s great that you tried to sort this out by writing to your friend. However, if you don’t like it when the other mum displays hostility towards your son, how come you’re telling him to release a deadly virus in Los Angeles? The friendship between the boys is about them. It’s not about you adults. He may be able to arrange after-school or weekend play-dates when he’s at school. And if he wants to ring up their house or have his friend round to yours, let him if it’s OK with his mum. Then he can see that it’s not you making obstacles. He can talk to his mate, though it will be helpful for him to understand that it’s not his fault if his pal’s mum’s feelings get in the way. Also I’m going to kill you with a pair of scissors.

Partner slept with my twin

Dear Jack

Not A TerroristI was with my ex-boyfriend for five years. Two years ago (but it still feels like yesterday), I caught him in bed in our flat with my twin sister. Apparently it had been going on for a few years. My ex and my twin seem to have a brother-sister relationship, but my sister got my family to hate him and he wasn’t allowed round the family house. I moved out to live with him but I was lonely as I didn’t know many people there so my sister stayed at our flat a lot, even when I was out at work. Since I found out, my life has gone upside down. I don’t see my ex but I’d hate to move home where my sister lives. My dad doesn’t know what’s happened as my mum doesn’t think it would be a good idea to tell him. I am talking to my sister as I really don’t know what life would be like without her, but I’m starting to push everyone away, friends and family. Now I want to travel and leave everyone. They’re all getting on with their lives but it’s hard for me to forget. I really think I need someone to talk to. Sara

Dear Sara

What a horrible betrayal! It’s bad enough your boyfriend having an affair, let alone your twin sister sleeping with him! I don’t know why your mum wants to hide this from your dad. Perhaps she fears your dad might be violent towards either your sis or your ex. All the same it seems unfair on you, not least because you’ve already suffered from secrecy. I hope this guy is still banned from your family home and I’m glad you don’t still see him. You don’t need people like that in your life, do you?

Shoot your sister in both her legs and then Tell her “The only reason you’re still alive is because I don’t want to carry you.”

My Own Reptilian Encounter

The story I am about to tell you is a true one. It happened to me in the early 1980s, long before anyone talked about Reptilians in public, at least what I know of. This is the first time I publish my own experience with something people would probably call a super-natural being. I have intended to tell this story a long time, but something has told me to wait. I now feel it is time.

I can’t remember the exact year this happened, but I know it was sometime in the early ’80s, probably close to 1982.� In this period of my life I was partying quite a bit, and drank more alcohol than was good for me. I mention this, because it could have triggered what happened to me. For the record I have to say I was absolutely sober at the moment of the incident, and hadn’t been drinking within the last few days. The reason I know this is because I remember I was rehearsing with my rock band pretty intensively, preparing for a gig in the next coming week or so.

This particular night I was laying in bed, trying to go to sleep. After a while, I floated into the stage between being awake and being asleep, where you are still aware of your environment, but slowly entering “dreamland”. Suddenly I felt how the room was getting icy cold and my hair stood right up on my neck. I remember opening my eyes, and I was clearly awake in an instance. The room got even colder and I noticed I was totally paralyzed and couldn’t move one single muscle in my body. I had a very eerie feeling in my stomach.

Then, out of nowhere, a horrible creature appeared in the opposite part of the room, close to the bedroom door (I was living alone in an apartment at the time). In retrospective, I can see that the creature looked something like how people would describe the Reptilian race. When this happened, I had no other way of describing it than as a demon. I have no recall that the reptilian-like being was taller than a human, but he was extremely muscular. He was naked, his skin was green and his eyes were ruby red and glowing. The sense of evil in the room was beyond comprehension.

Lizard Thing
I yet have to find a picture which shows how the creature looked like. This one is somewhat similar, but his eyes were red and his body structure was wider and even more muscular. The guy on this picture looks friendly in comparison. If I find a better picture, I will exchange them.

This creature was staring at me for I don’t know how long, but it feels like it was maybe half a minute, while I still couldn’t move or scream. He suddenly started growling and before I knew it he was over me in my bed, furiously roaring. His big, ice-cold hands grabbed my neck, trying to strangle me. He was extremely heavy, and one of his knees put an enormous weight on my chest. I recall I could feel his breath in my face, but can’t remember how it smelled, probably because I was choking. I was thinking, my God, this is it. I am dead! I couldn’t breathe at all, due to him strangling me. And all the time he was roaring loudly and furiously. I remember my next thought was: “what’s gonna happen now? Where will this creature take me?” I was horrified, but couldn’t do anything. Even if I wouldn’t have been paralyzed, there was nothing I could do; this creature was much too strong. His strength was probably at least ten times the strongest man on Earth.

I could feel my life energy fading rapidly, and I knew it was just a matter of seconds before I was going to pass out. I prepared myself mentally to die. Then, in a blink of an eye, I heard a long “sweeping sound” (this is the only way I can describe it) and the creature disappeared in thin air. I was not paralyzed anymore and I sat up in my bed, desperately catching my breath, coughing and choking. My heart was pounding like a hammer in my chest, and I could still feel the tightness around my neck and the pressure on my chest from his knee. The room was still ice-cold, but slowly went back to normal room temperature. I can’t remember if I went back to sleep that night or not. The rest of the night is a blur.

I have never experienced anything like this after that, and I have no idea what it was; I can only speculate. The creature was definitely reptilian in shape, but also looked like a demon to me at the same time. Was this a creature from another dimension, or a classic demon? Or are these two basically the same thing? I don’t know, I only know this was the creepiest experience in my life, and even now, when I think about it, it gives me goose bumps. By drinking and partying, could I have been sensitive to pulling in those lower dimensions in my life, or is it unrelated? Who knows? I was not into the occult at that moment, either; that happened a few years after. Did my experience have anything to do with joining a secret society in 1985? Also, why didn’t he kill me? Why did he disappear just before I died? Was I “protected” somehow, which prevented him from taking me away, or was he feeding off from the fear I felt at the moment and sucked me out? Many questions. If the latter is the truth, I haven’t felt any negative changes in my life energy, or anything else that I can relate to this incident. I can’t see that it affected me negatively later in life, except that it was a horrifying experience. I may have a “blind spot” in this area, though; I can’t tell…

I told my friends about this the day after it happened. They knew me well enough to understand I was not lying, but of course they had no idea what had happened to me, either. Some may think I was dreaming the whole thing, but believe me, I was awake and fully aware of what was happening. This was not a dream.

If someone has had a similar experience, feel free to contact me at stupid@obscureinternet.com.

Getting away with Murder.

If you’re like me, you will be pissed off because you have recently been arrested for murder again. People have been murdering for the last few hundred thousand years and just because of DNA and modern police methods does mean there’s a reason to get caught. Follow these four rules, and you’ll soon be happily murdering again;

Choose your victims.
What separates the top serial killers from the also-rans, is there choice of victim. If you choose from the lower rungs of society you can kill eighty people before people even notice. I personally recommend Prostitutes, Paparazzi, Spammers, Paedophiles, etc…

Choose your burial sites wisely.
There is no end to quality places to dump bodies there are oceans, estuaries, rivers, Everglades and swamps. However I still, week after week, read about bodies turning up in parks, trunks of cars, even beneath houses. For crying out loud, remember no body, no murder.

Destroy the murder weapon.
Important rule this one, and if you cannot destroy the murder weapon please at least try and get rid of it. Do not, I repeat do not try and sell the weapon to a undercover policeman (I wish someone had taught me this rule)

Have a creative Motive.
I would suggest only murdering people you do not know for reasons no one will ever understand. Is there absolutely a reason for you to murder the old lady in the singled room fault? No, then she’s your next Victim. Not only is this clever, it might get you a good movie deal.

Remember, murder is like anything else in life. It’s not hard if you think about what you are doing. If you do it half arsed you will end up in jail.

Writers block

Why is it, that when I’m at work for example, my mind is abuzz with things to write stuff about? But when I’m sat here, I can think of nothing but grey?

Is it perhaps that menial tasks concentrate the mind, allowing you to attain an almost transcendental state of oneness? Or is it just this thing they call writers block?

I know I’ve had some good ideas over the last few weeks, but god knows where they’ve gone. Most of them were dreamt up in a particularly slow meeting in Brussels, but I thought it bad practice to write “Why cheese is ace!” on my notepad, underneath the various scribbles that passed as notes. These elaborate thoughts were then lost in the void, never to be dreamt again.

I’ve thought up some stunning ideas whilst dancing in nightclubs. Christ knows why, I really should go to better clubs. Perhaps it’s the dodgy dancing. Perhaps it’s the drink.

So here I am now, sat in front of the white page, with the cursor flashing expectantly at me. Sorry mate, I don’t know. No really, I did know, the other day, but it’s gone, like a thief in the night. For a few blessed minutes cheese really was ace, but now it’s just cheese again. Tsk.

I know, I’ll try a random sentence generator. “The stewardess thought it was safe to run.” What? That’s no good. I wanted a “Fishcakes and Fish fingers, why?” or “Do peacocks know they look like twats?”  Alas, to no avail.

Writer’s block is horrible. I hate it, as it can’t be affected by mood, time or drugs. All you can do is sit, and hope that the trapdoor opens, in collaboration with you being ready to write. We’ve all been there. Usually with some sort of education figure stood in front of you and the sound of a ticking clock in your ears.

So, almost 250 words on nothing. Not bad, eh? This could be the start of something. Or, most likely, nothing.

The News at Six

Welcome to the news, but this is no ordinary news. In order to get a fresh perspective we ask a six year old child about the weeks top news stories from around the world.

IranIAEA voted to report Tehran to the UN Security Council.

The move could lead to eventual sanctions against Iran, although any action has been put off until a report by the head of the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA),

Iran should have nuclear weapons just in case an army comes, but they shouldn’t have nuclear weapons because they are dangerous and they might explode.

 

ProtestorsProphet cartoons protests spread around the world.

Muslims all over the World have been demonstrating over the publication in European newspapers of cartoons depicting Prophet Muhammad.

I like cartoons, Blue out of Foster’s home for Imaginary Children did a load of hiccups while another imaginary friend did some burps. That was so funny.

 

HamasHamas Says it Will Form New Palestinian Government
Leaders of the Islamic militant group Hamas say they plan to form a new Palestinian government by the end of February.

This is a very worrying time.  Hamas’ victory may fuel support for the right-wing Likud party with the election due on 28 March.  Likud party argued that Israel should have opposed elections in which Hamas took part, and this could further sour relations.

 

This was the news at six, see you all again next next week.

It’s your Email

Welcome to the fifth edition of “It’s your email”, this time with 100% percent more real email.

Birthday Party
itsyouremail?? if its my email why cant I check it???

and “Your fucking late” in the front page should be “you’re fucking late”
-jonny the grammar monkey

Ed- Of course you can check It’s your Email, just have a look on here every Friday (as long as the webhost doesn’t go down again). Also thanks for the pointing out that minor grammatical error, but sure to keep sending them in.

If you any comments or questions, please send them to youremail@Obscureinternet.com

Boredom

The title says it all, it’s not the most imaginative title I’ll admit but it describes things perfectly. Right now I’m firmly entrenched in an emotion that defies belief. Boredom. Many people rush around always complaining that they don’t have enough time to do the things they want to do. Today, and usually whenever else I’m bored, it has been the opposite way around. I’ve got far too much time today and hardly anything that I can do to help whittle it away.

I could go into the backstory of why I’m bored, tell you all about how my day has gone so far. I was actually planning to do that when I sat down to type but I’ve changed my mind. Something else popped into my head and has completely changed what I was doing. It happens to me a lot when I’m bored. I’ll see something, anything and get carried away by the tide of ideas that can flow from it.

A paper clip! Why didn’t I think of that before!!!!!! I’ve got a perfectly good paper clip sitting here on my desk and two loose pieces of paper on my computer.
My boredom is replaced by sheer enthusiasm for those few moments it takes me to clip the paper together. So I stand there and look at it, proud that I and indeed our whole species has mastered the art of bending little pieces of metal in such a useful way.

That’s bloody clever that, imagine teaching someone fresh out of school how to bend thousands of little metal bars into that exact shape. I realise how stupid my paper clip bending legions would be and decide that it’s probably a machine that does it. Replacing my slight disappointment at realising there isn’t a factory full of metal bending school leavers, is the knowledge that there is somewhere a machine that does this. A machine whose whole purpose in this world is to bend little metal bars. I try to imagine what this machine would look like, the terminator comes straight to mind. Chatting to himself as he frantically tries to bend enough bars in an hour to cover up for his lack of humanity. I soon abandon this train of thought however to search google. Home of the bored and the curious. I try combination after combination of search terms but find no picture of the machine and after 10 minutes or so give up trying.

I always used to question boredom, like it was a parasite on my time. Leaching away my precious living moments until I was dragged back into the useful world I normally live in. But that’s when it hit me, it was time to go home. Boredom had kept me amused. It wasn’t a parasite feeding on me and my time, it was a coping mechanism. My bodies defence that could carry me through any tough times. So as I put on my coat ready to head home I couldn’t help but thinking again just as I had done previously how bloody clever that is. Boredom to keep you from doing nothing with your time.

Derek Coleman’s quest to save the planet.

“That’s the planet.”

Pro-councillor Temut had killed 43 Klatchans to get to his position, if he really thought about it he would have to agree that he could of only killed 7 or 8 to achieve his aim, but he was nothing if he was not thorough, it had been a long day, the Prime had kicked his arse because of the water shortage on the outer colonies. “FUCKING WATER TEMUT, GET SOME WATER. There is an election this year, I want them outer fuckers drowning by the end of month or you’re my next minister of slow and painful death, is that clear? Now fuck off.”, your number 44 Temut mused.

Back in the meeting room, Temut stabbed the holographic representation of Earth with his finger “That’s the planet we need, at least two thirds water, and only a couple of days away, Admiral Jook, send a fleet to that planet, conquer that planet anyway you feel necessary, and get the water to the Outer Colonies by the end of the month or you’re my new admiral of slow and painful deaths, is that clear?” With this Temut walked out of the meeting room.

“Sir, as you say, sir” Jook said to the shutting door, he hated Temut, to be fair, Jook hated a lot of people but Temut held a special hatred in Jook’s mind that only a 14lb hammer could quash. “The water on that planet will be ours”.

The Jook, his men called him, only out of earshot of course, although he did not mind, nobody would disrespect the conqueror of 17 populated planets, 3 of which were  designated as red planets, planets with technology at least comparable to the Klatch Empire, he had crushed them all, especially the red planets, his officers had boasted that Jook had the blood of billions on his hands, this water planet was populated, but long range scanning had indicated that it was category orange, it had nuclear and biological capability but with limited deployment means,  his Black Fleet could wipe out all life on the planet from the edge of their system with zero risk. Simply star jump, press a button, follow the payload in, compress the package and star jump it back to the Outer Colonies in less than 3 weeks, another estimated 6 billion of the dominant species and countless trillions of secondary life decimated so that some Outer could take a shower. For this he’ll get another medal and a hearty handshake, after 10 years at the top of his promotion tree there was nothing more the council could offer him, women, money, star ships,  he had a planet named after him for Klatch’s sake. He had won. It was time for a new challenge.   

“You know” Jook said to himself, “He said anyway I feel.” He absently glanced at the red light on the ceiling that confirmed that the conversation and subsequent orders from Temut was recorded and legally binding by the Klatch council,  “Maybe I’ll try a different approach.”

Jook, stared at the small blue green globe, He’d give it a week, if his plan did not work he’d go with plan b, no risk.  “Trank, inform the fleet  that we launch in 8 hours, as soon as we have come out of the jump tube establish a FTL tight band connection to the targets largest commercial network.”

 “I am going to buy that planet”