Ask…. Jordan

Picture of Jordan

Wrong by lying!

Picture of Turtleneck I know I have done wrong by lying to a guy I have met over the internet.
I told him a lie about my age and my circumstances but now after 8 months of emailing he wants to meet me and I have genuine feelings for him I really believe the things he has told me, but I said I was 30 but really I am 15 years older.
How can I face telling him the real truth I know I have to but I just cant find the face to do it. I am sure he will be so hurt and maybe scarred for life. Are there words I can use to make the truth more easier to take.
Thank you for reading this and I hope you can give me some advice I know I have done wrong by lying.
Thank you
Jordan Replies

I’ve heard everything now!!!!!!!!!!! Don’t worry about it babe. If I know blokes, and I know blokes he won’t give a rats fanny that your 55 years old, as long as he gets his end away.
Me and Pete regularly pretend I’m his mother, I make him wear nappies and all sorts!!!!
Listen love, as long a you’ve got boobs and a slot for him to put his meat an 2 veg into you’ve got “no worries” as my Pete would say.

Squiggly Worms!

Dear Jordan
Picture of SarahI wasnt sure whether you answered this sort of problem but i am so desperate i thought i may aswell try it! my name is Sarah (i dont want this on your site please, or my name) i was on the toilet, i have comstipation normally, but i had diareah this time, and i looked down to see if i was bleeding again, and i wasnt, but my poo was full of little white squiggly worms! what are they? will they damage my insides?
how do i get rid of them?
thanks
Bex

Jordan Replies
Euwww! Blurrr! Euuww, I’m gonna be sick . You don’t need a doctor love, you need a vet!!! God that’s gross. What sort of readers does this site have??? Euwwww!

What’s wrong with me?
Picture of NATALIEHi, I’m 14 and from Leicester. I’m pretty miserable at the moment… because I’m very unpopular at school. I have a couple of friends..but I’m always the girl with no partner for p.e and stuff. There are a group of girls being nasty to me for no reason at all. I try to ignore it, but they are telling all of my friends horrible things about me that aren’t true and I’m drifting further away from my friends. I go to the girls loos for an hour some lunchtimes because I’m so lonely. I’m quite smart and I think everyone is jealous or something.. That’s the only thing I can think of. I also think its because im so ugly. Im spotty with googly eyes and I look in the mirror and hate myself. I just want to cry all the time. The group of girls even have the nerve to tell of me to the teacher, saying I follow them around. If anything I do my best to ignore them. I know I’d never dream of going through with it, but I think about killing myself to make them feel guilty.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?
Please write back
THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP
NATALIE

Jordan replies
Poor Cow,
I’m not going to sugar coat it for you love. If your ugly and smart with glasses then your gonna get pounded. It’s the school ground rules nuff said. I was lucky, I was beautiful with big tits at school, loads of friends, I used to kick the shit out of spotty twats like you!! I would love to say that when you grow up and get a decent job you could lord it over us “pretty girls” who end up working at Tesco’s. But I can’t, I mean look at me. You could get 100 A levels and degree’s and all sorts, but I’ll still earn 10 times more in a week than you will in a lifetime. Plus I’m getting banged off Peter Andrea every night. (I’ve sent you a picture of Peter to make the point betterer)

I’m not saying you should top yourself babe, but at the same time I would not limit my options.

I noticed a lump
hi caroline,
Picture of MattyI’m a 15 year old male and i have a really embarrasing problemwhich cant be helped. Ive been seeing my girlfriend now for about 6 months, she is 16 and says she is ready to have sex with me. My problem isn’t inexperience with sex, its taking my top off. When i was around the age of 11,
I noticed a lump under my left nipple. I thought nothing of it at first because it was only small. But by the time i had turned 12 i had a lump under my right nipple aswell. I ignored the problem at first because they where still only small, but during that year, they grew bigger and stuck out more. I was ashamed to take my top off now.
I’ve been to the Doctors and he say’s not to worry, and they will disappear eventually.
I don’t know what to do, please help
yours sincerely Matty
p.s. please reply as soon as you can. Thanx
Jordan Replies

Oh that’s so funny! Your growing boobs!!! I’m really not the best person in the world to ask about getting breast reductions!!! Hahaha! Coz you see I had the opposite. I had breast enlargements, to make them bigger, it was the best thing ever did. You would have to be an expert breast tester to tell they were fakes mind you. Peter is always joking that that he’s a breast inspector!! But he’s not Haha, he’s a singer.
A boy with boobs. Ha! You’ve made my day. Thanxs

Woman Hater
Dear Jordan
Picture of R I am a nineteen year old straight male and have a problem with women. I am still a virgin and have only had a couple of relationships with girls; one was with a girl a year younger, while the other was with a woman twenty years my senior. Both of these relationships ended in failure and have started to colour the way I see other women. In short, I am starting to become a real woman hater. I find that I can’t talk to women and have no interest in what they have to say.
I have no women friends, most of the girls my age are too dumb, they only want to go out with men who can drive or are rich. Sometimes I feel very violent towards women because I think that that is all they want, to be treated badly.
My hatred of women is starting to affect my friendships with other men because they want to be around girls all the time, it is also making me feel very lonely and inept. Why do you think I feel this way, and what can I do to make it better?
Yours sincerely
R
Jordan Replies
Blimey you’re a right whinging get you are. You should hook up with that ugly clever bird Natalie if she has not topped herself yet. I’m sick of this. I am off to change my boys nappy, and the baby needs feeding as well 😉

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.