The 3rd Birthday

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The 3rd Birthday

The 3rd Birthday is the third game in the Parasite Eve series, I’ve already reviewed Parasite Eve 1, and Parasite Eve 2, so I thought I might as well finish off the trilogy, continue on to the review of this PSP game.

Parasite Eve- The Third Birthday

Original release: March 29th 2011 (NA)

PSN Price: 19.99

Developed by: Hexa Drive

Published by: Square Enix

Gameplay

This series has changed a lot through each sequel. The first game was a mostly straight forward RPG with some cool shooting elements, the second game was a Resident Evil style shooter, this third game in the series is different still, a 3rd person shooter with some light RPG elements. The most innovative part of the game is a body jumping mechanic, which does something completely new.

The body jumping works sort of cruelly on the part of other soldiers. You switch between these other soldiers fighting against a mutated enemy called the twisted (I’ll speak more about that in the Story part of this review). So you take over their bodies and if you health has been exhausted you just switch to another soldier while your old “husk” dies. Other than that cruelty it’s actually a pretty interesting mechanic, it was done a few times before but never as well as in the 3rd Birthday.

Parasite Eve- The Third Birthday

The shooting mechanic works well enough, especially if you’re playing the game on the Vita (the dual analogue sticks really help). It is a little repetitive though. Eventually you’ll get a cramp in your trigger finger. But there are a few things that make it a little different. There are some light squad controls where you can order your fellow soldiers to take on a target with you for instance, but you can really become them all with a quick switch, so if they aren’t in the correct spot (like not standing behind cover), you can jump into their bodies and get them back into place.

Parasite Eve- The Third Birthday

There’s a more magical/biological aspect to the gameplay as well, the overdrive mechanics, in this way you can jump into enemies to deal more damage, and if you build up a special meter you can go into “overdrive mode” where you deal a way more damage and your speed is upped for a short period.

The RPG elements are limited to upgrading your weapons and your DNA, you get new DNA pieces by diving into enemies through the overdrive mechanic. Upgrading your weapons are a must, starting out with only 180 bullets in your assault rifle puts your in a tough place, and eventually I ended up with being able to hold 900 at a time. The DNA upgrades were always a bit of a mystery for me though, the game doesn’t do a good job at teaching you what you need to do to take proper advantage. You can take a look at some online guides… but that’s really a detriment to the game.

Parasite Eve- The Third Birthday

Gameplay over all is decent enough, but every area is a grind, and other than a few new weapons and some light RPG elements, the gameplay stays the same throughout, making it tedious by the end.

 

Graphics

This game is actually gorgeous, it’s a PSP game but being released late in the cycle means that the game was really well optimized. Everything flows really well on screen even with a lot of enemies (and friendlies) on screen. The particle effects are actually pretty spectacular. The twisted are well designed, and their animations are pretty well done. Square Enix actually did a great job on the production side of all their PSP games, and the 3rd Birthday is no different. The music is done well, and the pre-rendered cutscenes are just as good as any game on a home console.

Parasite Eve- The Third Birthday

The art style in the 3rd Birthday is pretty interesting as well, there are numerous types of “Twisted” that show a decent amount of imagination. Overall the graphics in this game are excellent for a PSP game, and it looks even better on the Vita’s OLED screen.

 

Story

Usually I put the story aspect at the start of the review, but this game deserves a special mention on story.

The game starts with the Twisted attacking New York, and the humans lose. You spend your time going back in time inhabiting people’s bodies to change history. After every mission history is altered, so perhaps you get a new character who survived, they come back to life and wonder why you’re acting so strange. This is interesting enough, even if it takes a bit of time to get used to. Every mission ends with a huge boss battle, some of which are pretty tough, and you actually need to think out a decent strategy before you proceed.

Parasite Eve- The Third Birthday

You continue doing this right up until some of the final missions. At this point you’re looking for answers  as to what happened, why your character had lost her memory, etc. No matter what you think you’re going to get with the final act you’ll be disappointed. Out of almost any game I’ve played in the past few years, this game has the most disappointing and convoluted story. It seems like at one part they just fired the writers and just had the interns finish up the story. It might sound like a bit of a stretch, but you have to believe me on this one.

Parasite Eve- The Third Birthday

Also the characters in the game are mostly new (except two) and because they lost the rights to continue the original story (it started out as a Japanese novel), the ones that have stuck around, Aya Brea and Maeda are completely different. Aya changed from being a strong independent female to becoming an over sexualized and constantly victimized amnesiac. Maeda the Japanese scientist who helped out Aya in the other games has now become some sort of pervert who sends Aya creepy messages over radio. It’s just a tough sell to anyone that has played the other games in the series, and anyone who wants their game stories to make any sense. Even the translation of the script is badly done, I mean the voice acting is fine, but even the best actors couldn’t have made this story worthwhile.

 

Is the 3rd Birthday worth it?

Parasite Eve- The Third Birthday

Overall I would say no, the graphics and production values are top notch, the gameplay is decent too but it gets a little repetitive. The deal breaker is the story. It’s too bad that all the great production values were spent on this flawed story. Who knows if they’ll be another game in the series, but considering that they lost the rights to continue the original story, and they made their lead characters into one dimensional tropes, there’s no real reason to hope for another.

Resident Evil Code: Veronica

Resident Evil Code: Veronica

Format: Dreamcast Genre: Survival Horror Released: 2000 Developer: Capcom/Nextech

Resident Evil - Code Veronica

I have a love/hate relationship with this game. Love because it’s one of the best Resident Evil games out there, with some of the most memorable characters and story-lines of the series. Hate because some IDIOTIC PUZZLE with an EMPTY FIRE EXTINGUISHER meant that I WAS UNABLE TO FINISH THE F**KING GAME. The memory still haunts me now, hence the extravagant use of capitals and self-censored swearing. I’ll explain…

Resident Evil - Code Veronica

In our student house at uni we’d often play through games together, or we’d play the same game but using different saves. Not long after I started playing Code Veronica, Paul, my housemate, began playing through it too. We’d swap stories about good bits in the game, and I’d drop excited hints about what was coming up next. All was fine and dandy until right near the end of the game, when I inadvertently uncovered a bug that made finishing the game all but impossible.

Resident Evil - Code Veronica

Earlier in the game, Claire uses a fire extinguisher to retrieve a briefcase that’s stuck inside a flaming room, but for some reason she keeps hold of the empty extinguisher. This either means that Claire is a compulsive hoarder, or the game is subtly trying to tell you that there may just possibly be a puzzle later on that might – just might – require an empty fire extinguisher. Seeing as Claire generally isn’t the type to push around a shopping trolley filled to the brim with carrier bags full of knick knacks and shiny things she finds in the street, I placed my bets on the latter option, and kept the extinguisher to hand.

Resident Evil - Code Veronica

A bit later on, Claire and her hapless companion Steve come across the chap in the pic above, who goes by the name of Nosferatu. History doesn’t relate how he came to bear this moniker – I’m imagining the label was thrust upon him after his unfortunate transformation, before which he was probably called Alan or Dave or Alfonse. Anyway, Claire makes no bones about swiftly dispatching poor Alan (or Dave or Alfonse) and we’re treated to a cut scene in which Alexia, the sister of antagonist Alfred Ashford, awakes from her long hibernation and unleashes the full force of the T-Veronica virus on Steve and Claire’s smiling, unknowing faces – the truck they’re driving is destroyed by one of Alexia’s handy new tentacles, and control switches to Chris, who’s just pitched up in Antarctica on the hunt for Claire.

Resident Evil - Code Veronica

I just want to jump in here for a second to say what a fantastic character Alfred is – definitely my favorite character of the series. Wesker is always held up as the series’ ultimate villain, but he’s so incredibly one-dimensional – there’s nothing really beneath the implausible hair and the Johnny Cash sunglasses. Alfred, on the other hand, has an interesting back-story, which the game goes to great pains to relate – from his possibly incestuous relationship with his twin sister to his penchant for dressing up in women’s clothing. You almost end up feeling sorry for him in a way – through no fault of his own he was born into an incredibly screwed-up family, was ruthlessly used by Umbrella and then ended up losing his mind. Having said that, I’d have a lot more sympathy for him if he stopped trying to kill me all the time.

Resident Evil - Code Veronica

OK, back to the story. After the fight with Alan*, control switches to Chris, and the difficulty steps up a notch. The Antarctic facility is infested with various horrors, including a giant spider that has somehow managed to survive the freezing temperatures, and these fiends quickly take their toll on Chris’s ammo supply. As I limped to the final showdown with Alexia, I was down to just a few assault rifle rounds and a couple of clips for my handgun, but I was finding plenty of ammo for the magnum. So where could the magnum itself be hiding? Wait, there it is, behind that wall of flame. No problem, I’ll just fill up my empty fire extinguisher with that handy extinguisher refill device nearby… Hold on, the extinguisher isn’t in the space/time defying inventory box. Wait a sec, didn’t Claire have it in her personal inventory when she got whacked by that tentacle?

Resident Evil - Code Veronica

 

With no access to fresh weaponry, it was impossible for me to defeat the final boss, and instead I watched impotently as Paul went on to finish the game. I suppose I could have used one of his save games to go and fight the final boss for myself, but by that point I was so rankled by the whole fire extinguisher thing that I couldn’t bring myself to do it. And anyway, I would have been finishing his game, not mine.

Resident Evil - Code Veronica

Yet, like a middle-aged man trapped in a loving but turbulent marriage, I still have a soft spot for Code Veronica, despite all of the seething resentment bubbling below the surface. It was denied the suffix ’4′ by its creators, but in my mind the game stands proudly with its numbered brethren, and possibly slightly above them.

*I’ve just found out that Nosferatu was actually Alfred’s father, who went by the name of Alexander, not Alan (or Dave or Alfonse). This is slightly disappointing in some ways (I would have preferred Alan), although I’d forgotten just how convoluted the back-story to Code Veronica is, particularly the history of the Ashfords. You can read about Alfred Ashford’s creepy upbringing here: http://residentevil.wikia.com/Alfred_Ashford.

Resident Evil (GameCube)

 Resident Evil - N64
Resident Evil was a huge hit on PS1, so it was kind of weird for gamers to see Capcom have a super-remake done on the Gamecube especially for it’s “kiddie” reputation.
Resident Evil - N64

The original PS1 version is a classic, but the game is dated quite a bit. Just think about it, we went from this

Resident Evil - N64

to this. Defiantly not a poor rush job on Capcom’s part. Not only is everything redone, but they added more areas, tweaked weapons, and made enemies even tougher.

Resident Evil - N64

I think my favorite part was the crimson head zombies. The regular zombie was no longer a threat, so after a few easy 9mm caps in their butts they go down easy. However after some time, the zombies revive into nastier and stronger version of themselves. The first time you see one of these guys wake up, will make you paranoid about burning or beheaded every zombie you meet.

Resident Evil - N64

The only bad thing I can say about it is that it’s a little bit too difficult. I think the PS1 version had a better balance of challenge. However it still was a fantastic job done by Capcom and really is one of the best remakes gamers have ever seen.

Top 5 Movies Based on Video Games

Top 5 Movies Based on Video Games

The film industry is always looking for the next big thing.  Film execs gain the rights to make movies based on novels, children’s stories, and comic books.  One source that on the surface seems to have incredible synergy with Hollywood is the video game industry.  Games have already benefited from using Hollywood-style production values, including professional actors and actresses for both voice and live parts.  You’d think that both being visual mediums would lead to incredible movies being made based upon video game properties.

But you’d be wrong.

Thus far the Hollywood video game movie selection has been mediocre at best, and laughingly dismal at worst.  Just for fun, let’s look at the best movies of the genre (all my personal opinion, of course).

Mortal Kombat movie poster

1.  Mortal Kombat. This incredibly popular fighting franchise made its way to the silver screen in 1995, bringing the Elder Gods’ martial arts tournament to life.   The film received “mixed reviews” which is a fancy way of saying some critics enjoyed the fight fest and others thought it gave a whole new definition to “suck.”  It managed to take in over $122 million worldwide, as well as spawning a sequel, so more than a few people thought it was a good movie.

Resident evil movie poster

2.  Resident Evil. A flawed but fun zombie movie based on Capcom’s horror games and starring the incredibly hot Milla Jovovich wiping out the infected workers from the top secret Hive installation controlled by the Red Queen.  Critics generally panned the film, but it grossed over $100 million worldwide and spawned two sequels (with one more to be released in September, 2010).

Silent Hill movie poster

3.  Silent Hill. This film was based on Konami’s horror game franchise, and incorporated elements from the first three games.  A few pretty decent scares and a couple of weird scenes gave this film a good vibe.  It did not receive great reviews from the critics, but scored where it counted with $97 million grossed worldwide.

Tomb Raider movie poster

4.  Tomb Raider. Angelina Jolie in tight spandex. How could this film possibly be bad?  That’s what I told myself before watching it, and afterward marveled at the film’s creators’ ability to do the impossible: make a live-action Lara Croft dud.  It still managed over $300 million worldwide, so a LOT of people must have gone into the theater with the same expectations I did.

TRON movie poster

5.  TRON.  The list is so meager that I decided to take a movie whose premise is about the video game industry and put it on this list.  And it’s a good excuse to includeTRON to the mix; it was a fun movie, and pulled in over $33 million worldwide, which wasn’t bad in 1982. End of line.

Every other video game movie was awful.  Putrid awful.  Perhaps it’s time that the industry stopped trying to translate the video game experience to the big screen, and keep going on as many comic book properties they can lay their greedy little hands on.  After all, given the choice, I’d rather watch Batman: Dark KnightSpider-Man or Iron Man than the very best the video game movie genre has to offer.

Happy 10th Birthday GameCube: My Favorite Games

Gamecube Cake

Ah where has the time gone? I remember reading about the GameCube and thinking, really, tiny discs like that? Now you are 10 years old and as Obsolete as the rest of us. Yes, the GameCube is now known for the titles you can purchase for the Wii more than a game system, but it did have some good games that I enjoyed. Here they are in no particular order.

Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door

papermario2_gamecube-box

I loved the original Super Mario RPG on the SNES and when I discovered Paper Mario was to be its successor I had to give it a shot. Paper Mario is a beginners RPG whereas it is very easy to play, at least this version. However, the ease did not make the game bad, on the contrary, it was very fun and the animation was unique and fit well with the storyline.

SoulCalibur 2

Soul-Calibur-2-gamecube-box

Fans of Soul Blade and the first SoulCalibur got a real treat on the GameCube version. Not only was the game put together well, but fans got to play as the exclusive character, Link and who could resist that. The music and graphics were well done and overall was a great year for the franchise.

Resident Evil

resident-evil-gamecube-box

Sure, it was a remake, but when it is done right giving people the chance to experience an updated version of the game they loved it deserves praise. This game was visually stunning and brought back all the fear you had from the original. The audio was redone as well and sounded fantastic, if you owned a GameCube and liked RE then you had to have this game.

F Zero GX

F-Zero-GX-gamecube-box

Fans of the futuristic racer could rejoice in this title that expanded on the original with new visuals and more ways to customize your vehicle than time would allow. This had everything fans wanted, the speed, the visuals, even the music and kept you interested in playing for a long time.

Resident Evil 4

resident-evil-4-gamecube-box

One of the best RE’s period and a must have on the GameCube. Everything about this game was well done from the storyline to the immersive factor to the music and graphics it was a staple for the series and alongside Codename Veronica, one of my all-time favorite survival horror games.

[youtube width=”600″ height=”480″]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lRuNDkhU0is[/youtube]

The others

Now this is a short list. There were other fantastic games like Metroid Prime, Super Smash Bros. Melee and The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker, but I leave it up to you to tell us your favorite GameCube Games.

Games that scared me

Silent_Hill_4_PC

Pretty much everyone can be scared, but to be scared in a video game is more difficult than one would think. Sure, we are immersed in the game so we feel like we are really the character, but there is so much of our real life right around us and the fact that we are most likely at home and surrounded by distractions that it is hard to grip us in fear no matter how good a game is.

However, there are those moments within games where if you do not feel true fear all the time there is at least a moment or a time where you might have jumped out of your seat or walked away from the game for a moment to compose yourself. Here is a small list of some of the games that got to me in no particular order.

Doom 3

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It was a first person shooter and we already knew what to expect somewhat, but for me at least there were a few moments where I felt scared in this game. Now for those that don’t know, Doom 3 was made fun of for not being able to use a flashlight and a gun at the same time. This really was done to try and make the game harder and scarier. To really get this to work the best thing was to be in a dark room alone, put on headphones and crank up the sound. When I got to the part in the video it scared me and I had to walk away and turn on the lights for a moment.

Silent Hill Series

Silent Hill 1 and 2 were some of the best for me, but the series as a whole had some great moments that could get to you. Honestly, most of it came from the music side, but the visuals did a decent job as well. Again, with this game it’s all about setting the mood. Like a good horror movie, you don’t watch it with the lights on or with a party going on in the next room. If you played Silent Hill like you would really watch a good horror movie it could give you quite a few frights.

Resident Evil

Survival Horror at its finest, Resident Evil the original had some great suspenseful and scary moments. You had all the great elements for a horror movie. You had the first team gone missing, the second team goes in and their helicopter goes down and they find cover in a huge mansion. Next you have evil dogs blocking you from leaving and then the discovery of what appears to be zombies? What more could you ask for?

Resident Evil had a lot of those “WTF” moments from the dogs, to the zombies coming after you to the cool boss fights, but just being in the house and walking around was scary enough. This game had its scary moments even when you did not play in the dark, but if you did, well, I hoped you had a strong bladder.

The Legend of Zelda

This last one is not so much because of the game, but because of one particular theme that played over and over. In the Legend of Zelda when you would go into any dungeon you would hear the famous dungeon theme. The theme was meant to instill fear and danger, but the game was not really that scary.

However, when you were in later dungeons and you would hear that theme for hours it started to get to you like water torcher. At one point I had to pause and take a break to clear my head of the song and I can still hear in playing in my mind sometimes.

So there you have it, an example of a few games that scared me. Now there are a ton more, but I want to know what games scared you and why.

The New Characters of UMvC3. Wait, Phoenix Wright?

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Jumping back onto the subject, why did Capcom choose such a character to add into a fighting game? Is it truly the fanbase? How will he fight? There have been other characters the highly acclaimed game developer morphed into fighters, right?~Lady Death

The New Characters of UMvC3. Wait, Phoenix Wright?

Early this morning, EventHubs revealed much information about “Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3”, a $40 upgrade/downgrade to its predecessor depending on opinion. They mention a “spectator mode” in which players may finally see online matches with others, an improvement of “the game’s balance and online functionality”, and 12 new characters.

Phoenix Wright

The Characters Announced

When at first EventHubs only posted the next 4 heroes or villains, a leak was released of the next 8. It was then an official article was written and posted not long after. The characters include Strider who was also in MvC2, and many other completely new characters to the Marvel vs. Capcom series like Virgil from Devil May Cry 3 and…Nemesis? With Nemesis included there are now 4 characters of the Resident Evil series included in the game. One character in particular surprised me with the leak: Pheonix Wright even after all of the speculation. As a quick summary Wright is a lawyer in the popular “Phoenix Wright” series that eventually moved from the Nintendo DS to the Nintendo Wii. One of his most defining characteristics is this “Objection!” trademark in which he exaggerates his call during court:

Jumping back onto the subject, why did Capcom choose such a character to add into a fighting game? Is it truly the fanbase? How will he fight? There have been other characters the highly acclaimed game developer morphed into fighters, right?

A Note on EventHubs

EventHubs has been accepted as one of the central news stations for the Capcom fighting game scene. The lastest and greatest is posted there.

For your entertainment or possible disappointment, here is the link to the leaked characters:

Ruh Roh, Raggy.

and with the newest trailer of UMvC3 with Strider and the others:

According to speculation, the 13th and 14th characters will be DLC, downloadable content. Oh, also, that they could be Proto Man and Mega Man X from the Megaman series.

The PFI Tripe Award: The Bubonic Plague Award

And now…at long last, The PFI and Pepsico present…….
Bring out your dead
Ladies and gentlemen, the PFI is back with a vengenace. After ironing out a few personal problems, the Institute returns to dole out the last few Tripe awards, starting with tonight’s extravaganza.
Wait, who the fuck is walking on my stage???? SHIT, It’s director of PFI Tripe recipient RESIDENT EVIL, PAUL ANDERSON!! What the hell do you want?

Paul Anderson

Paul Anderson: I have come to claim my rightful heir to the throne of the PFI, you see, I have been wrongfully accused of RUINING two potential movie franchises: Resident Evil, and Alien vs. Predator. I however feel that the movie going audience NEEDS to be dumbed down by shitty storytelling, under 90 minute film lengths, and a PG-13 rating so EVERYONE, even kids can contribute to my lear jet..err…I mean “works of art”. The Paul Film Institute is under MY rule now, of course, the name shall remain the same: PFI.

Paul Hernandez: The HELL you are, just because you think you can dupe moviegoers everywhere, including myself, by putting out short ass movies that are needlessly rated pg-13 so more people can go see them, doesn’t mean you have the power to take over the PFI. What happened to you man? You directed 3 awesome movies: Mortal Kombat, Event Horizon, and Soldier. Come on.

Paul Anderson: Ok, I’ll be forthright with you. The COCA COLA company has sent me to take over these awards. Pepsi and the PFI are so popular, that Coca Cola has been losing ground for quite some time now. Plus, they promised to finance my lear jet….err…”works of art”.

Paul Hernandez: HAH, I KNEW there was an alterior motive, GET OUTTA HERE, and if I ever see you again I’ll throw so many horrific movies at you it’ll make Resident Evil look like The Godfather.

Paul Anderson: NEVER!! ::fires tranqulizer dart at Paul::

Paul Hernandez: YOU SON OF A.. ::collapses::

Paul Anderson: Ah yes, that was too easy. Now on with the show. To up the ratings for tonight’s event, I have decided to rate this: PG-13 by the MPAA.
PG13
::audience boos::

Paul Anderson: SHUT UP, you’ll keep your mouth shut if you know what’s best for you.

Audience in unison: ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE!….

Paul Anderson: Like their opinions matter… tonight’s host is a favorite over at the Coca-Cola camp. He is SO pimp and thugged out, and his commerical was hilarious! Ladies and gentlemen, I present…

DELUX_247!!!!
Delux_247
Audience in unison: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK….

Delux: Ya aight, Delux in the house keepin it real. Aight, true playa from day 1, aight. Welcome to mah crib, yo. The first thug movie tonite is one I liked, especially as a wannabe blunt smoker. This be Delux’s favorite comedy evah, aight? True playa from day 1. Here we go, Half Baked.

Audience in unison: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, HALF BAKED SUCKS, HALF BAKED SUCKS…..::throws cabbage at Delux::

Delux: Yea PFI audience keepin it real..wait, who that be comin’ up on stage? Mr. Anderson?

Paul Anderson: Aw crap, it’s director of GOOD movies OVER 90 minutes long, MICHAEL MOORE!!!
Michael Moore
Audience: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! MICHAEL MOORE, MICHAEL MOORE……

Paul Anderson: ::runs to his lear jet::

Delux: Get off my stage nigga, this aint yo’ shit.

Michael Moore: I owe Mr. Hernandez one, it is YOU who has exactly 5 seconds to leave, got that, KID?

Delux: It’s Delux son, DELUX!!!

Michael Moore: ::fires::

Audience: ::erupts in cheers::

::circus midgets come out and remove Delux’s carcass::

::Paul wakes up::

Paul: That idiot used rat tranqulizer on me, he was probably hoping I’d be knocked out longer than the running time of Alien vs. Predator, he failed. Thanks Michael, I guess we’re even.

Moore: Anytime Paul, keep spreading the word.

Paul: You too man, I can’t wait for your next movie, “Sicko”, about the bullshit of medicare, prescription drugs, and HMO’s in the American medical system. Keep spreading the truth man!! FINALLY, we can get to the BUBONIC PLAGUE AWARD. Named as such, for ALLEGED COMEDIES that were less funny than the BUBONIC PLAGUE. In fact, while watching these movie’s I smelled dead rats. Another connotation to the title, one must AVOID these movies like the plague. First up, the atrocious marijuana comedy….
Halfed Baked

Let me put this in the same classification as the Over-rated toiletry recipients. EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHER TOLD ME TO SEE THIS. I HESITATED FOR ABOUT A YEAR OR SO. I mean come on, how funny can a POT movie be. It’s something so cliche’ and overdone, you long for another zombie movie, or “innocent girl learns how to dance via sexy hunk” movie. So I gave in, was bored one day, and watched Half Baked. About 353256432643634 people owe me 45 minutes of my life back. Yes, 45 minutes. See, the movie was so UNXIOUS and NOT FUNNY, I actually gave up halfway through. I NEVER DO THAT, as you all know, I will STAY thru the TORTURE. All the movie was, Harland Williams (pre-Rocketman), and Dave Chapelle (pre- Chapelle show), saying non-funny lines and visualizing non-funny hallucinations that only people WHO HAVE NEVER SEEN A FUCKING CHEECH AND CHONG MOVIE WOULD FIND EVEN REMOTELY FUNNY ::CLUBS SEAL:: This tripe was instantly wiped from my memory, and it didn’t take any POT to do so, free will is the most powerful drug of all. WARNING to those who HAVE NOT SEEN HALF BAKED.

DON’T.

A better alternative would be to smoke pot, you’ll actually burn less brain cells, and you’ll LAUGH. These things do not occur while watching Half Baked. Avoid it like the Plague, you’ll thank the PFI later.

Enough of that bullshit. I present the final Bubonic Plague award, to, the single worst comedy ever filmed…
Shallow Hal
WARNING: IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED BY “FAT” JOKES AND FATNESS IN GENERAL. DO NOT READ ON. THE PFI IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY SORROW AS A RESULT OF THIS AWARD, HOWEVER THE FARELLY BROTHERS ARE RESPONSIBLE. TO CONTACT THE FARELLY BROTHERS ABOUT THE TRIPE THAT IS SHALLOW HAL, PLEASE WRITE:

wetriedtoohardforlaughs@shallowhal.com

Let’s get one thing straight here. You ready??

JACK BLACK IS NOT FUNNY.
NOT
NOT
NOT
NOT FUNNY.

There’s more of a chance of my fat ass winning the Tour de France than there is of me ever laughing at anything Jack Black says or does. I’m one who enjoys dry humor. However, Black’s humor is one that is not only dry, but Death Valley after the apocalypse dry. How this man has made it thru Hollywood is BEYOND me. He belongs on a crappy radio station like ::coughZETAcough::, so that all the idiot simpletons can laugh at his blandness without BOTHERING the rest of the American public.

So Shallow Hal is about a guy played by Jack Black, who is shallow towards certain women, because they may be ugly, fat, etc…. The problem that lies within is…

AS IF JACK BLACK HIMSELF ISN’T FAT AND UGLY AS WELL. If they REALLY wanted that STUPID angle to work, they wouldve cast Brad Pitt, who at the time was married to Gwyneth Paltrow. But JACK BLACK? I am sexier than Jack Black, I’m FUNNIER too, this is saying A LOT. I’M SO VAIN LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!! ::basks::…ok ENOUGH ABOUT ME. Something happens to him, that he begins to see these ugly women as beautiful, but only HE can see the beauty of the women, to everyone else, they’re fat and ugly, and are HORRIBLY insulted.

I’d like to point out to the audience that it takes A LOT to offend me. I’ve signed my way into hell by saying horrible things about 34543678765386538u6538rgrdyh times. However, this movie completely took it to the limit of degrading and insulting. This coming from someone who idolizes Trey Parker and Matt Stone, creators of South Park. Since the Farrelly brothers realized that fat jokes and ugly jokes can’t make an ENTIRE movie funny, they add a couple of recurring jokes, that end up JUST AS INSULTING and NOT FUNNY. First, there’s this friend of Jack Black’s, who walks on his hands because his legs are paralyzed, or something like that. Not funny. NEVER in my ENTIRE MOVIEGOING STUPOR have I EVER SEEN WRITERS TRY SO HARD TO GET THE AUDIENCE TO LAUGH. And you know what the sad part is, they SUCCEEDED, as the theater audience was in tears. I, however, was not. My sense of humor spans continents, keep that in mind. Next, the Jason Alexander character, has an extended tail bone, which he wags towards the end of the movie. I can’t make this up, you have to see it to believe it. Then again, don’t. This had the theater in tears laughing again. It was at this moment I had two epiphanys. #1: America is doomed. #2: These people are HOOPLESTERS. What is a hooplester?

Hooplester (noun), “hoop-ul-stehr”: a hooplester is an idiot simpleton who laughs at the stupidest and most unfunny shit, like a guy with a tailbone wagging it in Shallow Hal. The hooplester an be easily identified by his or her laugh ::HOOPLEHOOPLEHOOPLEHOOPLE::. Next time you go see a stupid comedy, take a listen, you’ll hear them.

So anyways, by virtue of meeting TONY ROBBINS in an elevator, Jack Black can now see the true image of the Gwyneth Paltrow character. A 45436464 pound woman who cant fit into her own clothes. He ends up scoffing at her, and she gets pissed at him and leaves her (like we’ve never seen that before). While I was still epiphanizing about America’s doom and hooplesters, the Jack Black character had an epiphany, that he loves this woman for who she is, not how she looks like, and they get married. In reality, he would’ve forgotten the fat woman, and hunted down another Paltrow-esque woman. But this isn’t reality.

The ending is a total backfire. This ending is more fantasy than the bastard child of Harry Potter, Narnia, and Lord of the Rings combined. This movie insults the intellgence of fat people by exploiting their problem, THEN proceeds to make up that fact by giving them FALSE HOPES??? THIS is the sad world we live in ladies and gentlemen. Think I’m an asshole for thinking this way?? I’ve spoken to fat people who AGREE WITH ME. Shallow Hal, that UN FUNNY PIECE OF SHIT RYHREHYREYH ::CLUBS SEAL:: MOVIE contributes to the superficiality and downfall of modern society.

To quote Fernando’s grandma’s call to that IDIOT GERALDO RIVERA, doing a show on how fat people are unhappy.

“I FAT, AND I HAPPY, HE NO FAT AND HE NO ES HAPPY”

Stay tuned as we present the Science Friction award, until then, eat snacky smores.

The PFI Tripe Awards: The Data Memorial Award

PFI Tribe Awards 4

This is the Reverend Doctor Paul. We gather here today to pay our respects to our honored dead, The Data Memorial award, presented to films with the absolute worst endings ever. Let us start with a prayer.

Oh Lord, hear our prayers, these movies know not what they do. They were good movies, faithful movies, yet sins kept them from maintianing sanctity, in this weary world. Tonight we first pay tribute to the finale of a fine trilogy, a pure trilogy, the first Data Memorial award goes to…..

Matrix Revolutions - Movie Poster

The poster says it. Everything that has a beginning, has an end. Well, at least most do, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS ::CLUBS SEAL::. Isn’t false advertising illegal??? After all the hype involved within The Matrix Trilogy, all the anticipation, the pledge by the Wachowski brothers that there will be no more Matrix movies after Revolutions, we get an ending that leaves more LOOSE ENDS than a stay in prison. To prove this fact, I didn’t know the ending to the movie until a few days AFTER I saw it. Yes, AFTER. Something with Neo and the “head machine”, and he fights Smith, then he gets dragged away by sentinels, either unconscious or dead. So Neo’s dead, I think. Yeah. As you see the sentinels drag Neo away, you can see the entire trilogy dragged with it. NO CONFIRMATION OF NEO’S DEATH. NO CONFIRMATION OF WHAT THEY DO WITH HIM.

It almost seems like the Wachowski brothers realized they fucked up with the RIDICULOUS “cycle” storyline initiated in Reloaded, and wnated to RUSH the ending so people won’t notice how VAIN it all was. All the fights, all the philosophy, all the purpose, gone. It doesn’t end, I think. After the Machines withdraw from Zion, we get a minute or two of closure. The fact that the whole thing was a cycle isn’t closure, and the fact that this war happens over and over again also isnt closure. This ending makes the whole struggle seen in these 3 movies USELESS, as if it doesn’t matter because the war will happen again. THIS IS NOT AN ENDING, IT’S HORSEBALLS. The brothers have claimed to continue the story in VIDEO GAMES. See the previous volume of the tripe awards please. Rest in peace Neo, I think. And Rest in peace Matrix, we hardly knew you.

Hail Mary, mother of God, thy Kill Bill 1, thy movie be fun, on screen as it is in cinema. Domini madre, domini padre, amen. ::floor rumbles:: Oh shit, what the fuck is this??? ::building rocks back and forth:: OMG IT’s A DISASTER. Oh nevermind, it’s the winner of the next Data Memorial award….

KILL BILL: VOLUME 2!!!!!

A special thanks goes out to Marilu, who got us into a special screening of Kill Bill: Volume 2 for FREE. If I had to pay for the biggest disappointment since Bush winning the 2000 election, SEALS would be on the endangered species list.
I’d like to supress things that i KNOW I will hear, because I’ve heard them. I REALIZE THAT KILL BILL IS SUPPOSED TO BE ONE MOVIE, I know it was split into two for time constraints. But SINCE people had to pay TWICE to see “one movie”, the movies ARE NOT ONE, but TWO. The first volume of Kill Bill is simply one of the greatest movies of all time. The perfect blend of emotion, violence, action, and comedy. The first half of Volume 2 is fantastic as well. For those who haven’t seen it yet, here’s a piece of advice. In Volume 2, when Beatrix goes to visit the spanish pimp, walk out of the theater, have a drink, and create your own conclusion to the Kill Bill legacy, because Tarantino’s conclusion is quite possibly the SHITTIEST COP OUT IN FILM HISTORY. At the end of Volume 1, we perceive Bill to be a maniacal madman. WE CANT WAIT TO SEE HER…….

KILL BILL.

Turns out though that Bill is a SOFTIE. EVIL BILL, HELLFIRE BILL, GEORGE W. BILL. He destroyed her wedding because she left him, they were in love, aww isn’t that sweet??? NOT BECAUSE SHE WALKED OUT ON AN EVIL CRIME SYNDICATE. This makes the entire first volume, and the ENTIRE REVENGE ANGLE USELESS. The last 20 minutes are mind numbing, as Bill goes into a diatribe about goldfish and superman. I know this is a Tarantino movie, but give me a fucking break ok? The vague conversations worked in Pulp Fiction, but this is KILL BILL. FIGHTING, KUNG FU, GORE, PESTILENCE, DRHDRJDRJHEUYE$YWE$Y. After this conversation, we expect the most anticipated fight scene in movie history: Beatrix vs. Bill. HERE WE GO!!!! FINALLY!!!

Bill pulls a sword on her. 10 SECOND FIGHT SCENE IN WHICH THEY ARE BOTH SEATED. ::CLUBS GOLDFISH:: She does this five finger move on him that he explains to her in a flashback scene. If he walks 5 steps after this move, he dies. She holds his hand. Holds his hand, tears well up in her eyes. Awww isn’t that sweet?? ::spits:: He gets up, takes 5 steps, and collapses. No blood, nothing. Bill, tyrant in part 1, collapses and dies, along with the movie in general. To quote Miami Herald movie critic, “imagine if Luke and Darth Vader in Return of the Jedi sit down and talk about Superman and goldfish.” I couldnt have made a better analogy myself. So it became almost a romance. I was led to rename the movie: Kill Bill’s Best Friend’s Wedding Massacre. Other alternate names include :Kill Thrill, Kill Bill 1.5. Killjoy, Kill Bill in
under 10 seconds. Or best yet, KILL SEAL.

And God said let there be Trek, and he saw that it was good. And God said let there be Nemesis, and he saw that it was good. And Rick Berman said let there be Nemesis ending, and he saw that it WAS A PIECE OF SHIT. The 3rd Data Memorial Award goes to….

A few interesting facts first. Data has been a mainstay on Star Trek The Next Generation since 1987. The Romulans have been mortal villains since 1966. Understand these two simple facts. So at the end of Nemesis, Data dies heroically, sacrificing himself to save the Enterprise, and more importantly, PLANET EARTH. Sounds good huh? IT IS!!! 2 minutes later the movie is over. A one minute scene is featured showing the crew toasting wine for Data. 16 years of BELOVED Data, the HELL WE WENT THOUGH WITH HIM, and all we get is wine, and Riker wondering what song Data was whistling when he first met him, that’s it. I wanted to mourn Data, I wanted to cry for Data, but all I cried for was this RUSHED HALF ASSED ending.

Actually, half assed is giving it too much credit. 1/4th assed!!! FURTHERMORE. We SAVE THE ROMULANS ASS FROM CERTAIN DOOM, and we get a message from them “You have a friend in the Romulan Empire”. Over 30 years of war, and all we get is that. Movie over. The time it took you to read this review was 5 times longer than the mourning for Data and making peace with the Romulans, events that spanned DECADES. As any Star Trek fan should know, Data got LESS mourning than the GUYS WITH THE RED SHIRTS THAT DIE IN EVERY EPISODE ::CLUBS SEAL::This funeral for Data IS THE REAL ENDING FOR NEMESIS. Captain Hernandez out.

And God so loved the world, he gave his only begotten son to pay it forward, and killed him. The final Data Memorial Award goes to, the single worst ending in film history……

A young boy discovers how to make the world a better place through generous gestures of kindness, passed on person to person, how do you conclude this story? Do you: A) Show how his idea has affected the world, B) Show him not wanting anything in return, or C) Stab him and watch him bleed to
death. If you chose C, you deserve a Data memorial
award.

It was a dark and stormy night, no for real, it was. I was flipping channels and happened onto the beginning of Pay it Forward. Halfway into this FANTASTIC MOVIE, THE CABLE GOES OUT. The movie was so INTERESTING that I went out in the storm to Blockbuster, rented it on DVD, and watched it that night. I should’ve stood outside with a lightning rod after seeing how the movie ended. The Haley Joel Osment character revolutionizes kindness by creating a theory called Pay It Forward. He does a kind thing for someone, that person must then do something kind for 3 people, and so on and so forth. His kindness is rewarded at the end of the movie when some IDIOT LOOKING KID STABS HIM AT SCHOOL AND HE DIES. HE DIES. DIES. THAT’S D.I.E., DIE!!!! WHAT DOES THAT SHOW? WHAT KIND OF MORALS DO YOU HAVE. According to how Pay it Forward ended, if we do nice things for people we GET STABBED????

This opinion of the movie’s ending is the most UNANIMOUS AGREEMENT ever. NOBODY LIKED THE ENDING. THE KID DID NOT NEED TO BE A MARTYR. THIS IS NOT THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST. Having Osment die in Pay it Forward is the equivalency of having the astronauts in Apollo 13 plummet to the moon in a fireball. In fact, I may be wrong about the unanimous agreement, because CRIMINALS AND MURDERERS LOVE THE ENDING. It gives them HOPE AND FAITH for a SHITTY WORLD WHERE GOOD DEEDS GO PUNISHED. ::CLUBS SEAL:: We see NOTHING of how the pay it forward spread through the world. We see DEATH and MISERY. Pay It BACKWARD, directed by Mimi DEADER, produced by O.J. SIMPSON, Screenplay by JEFFREY DAHMER. Rated S.E for STUPID ENDING.

Funny how all these endings involve death.

One dies, we think.
One dies, romantically, in under 10 seconds.
One dies, with so little mourning he might as well have an unmarked grave.
One dies, leaving the rest of the movie, hell, the rest of CINEMA ITSELF, in VAIN.

May these endings burn in the firy pits of hell. Amen.

The PFI Tripe: Video Game Movie Awards


Pac-Man

Good evening ladies and gents!!! I”m happy to announce that the last edition of the Tripe awards BEAT AMERICAN IDOL in the ratings!!! We”re on our way to the final episode of Friends, to beat that in the ratings, I”m unleashing the most ANTICIPATED award of this series: THE DATA MEMORIAL AWARDS!! Honoring the absolute WORST endings in known film history. Look for that the night of the last episode of Friends, together we can beat their asses!!!! As for now, on with the show!!!! Tonight”s presenter of the prestigious CINEMA KILLED THE VIDEO GAME STAR award, hardly needs an introduction, he is the one…the only……

Pac-man

Pac Man: Thank you Paul! Thankfully a movie has NOT been made based on my escapades, however, if that were to happen, it”s still be better than tonight”s recipients! Tonight”s awards feature movies that have been inspired by video games, however there”s one thing the PFI wishes to get across. These awards are given based on the movies, not how much they resemble the video games that inspired them. There have been some video game movies that had little to do with the game, and still ended up great (Super Mario Bros. is a good example, imagine if they made a movie JUST like the game, it”d get a Tripe award). Just wanted to mention that in passing. And now the winner of tonight”s first award…..

Tomb Raider

LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER!!

Paul: Thanks Pac Man!! Angelina Jolie is over-rated. Much like American Idol and Friends, I can”t understand mainstream America”s obsession with her. JANE Voight, I like to call her, as the poor thing looks like her father in drag. Ah well to each his/her own. Based on this love for Jolie, droves of people flocked to see Tomb Raider. I went to see it not because of Jane Voight, but because I was a mild fan of the highly popular game series, and, I was bored. The movie ended up being so horrific, I cring at the words “Lara Croft”, and I haven”t played any of the games since. Yes, it”s that bad. Imagine a movie where EVERY SINGLE action scene leads to NOTHING. Example: A 10 minute action scene where the alleged “bad guys” are invading Lara”s mansion, during this whole fight, one guy sneaks off, and steals some relic that Lara is protecting. As this man is escaping she just smiles, and walks away.

Yes.

Smiles.

And Walks away.

You know, as a matter of fact, all she does in the movie is smile and walk away. Someone will tell her something, she”s smile and walk away. This happens 435325432q523653427624624y457hdjnfysmsym53 times in the movie, don”t believe me?, see it. If I weren”t being a cineamtic masochist that day, I WOULD”VE SMILED AND WALKED AWAY from the theater, but then there”d be no Tripe Awards, would that be a good thing?! Anyways, there”s a gratutious shower scene that was put there for whack off material (for guys that either a) don”t have the internet, or b) have the internet but are in denial that FREE PORN exists on the net.)

In this scene,because of the measly PG-13 rating, you don”t see ANYTHING except for maybe Jane Voight”s bare ass. GOOD! That eliminates a good chunk of the audience”s wishes! hahahhahahahaha!!! The bad guys in the movie are people called the illuminati, and they”re bad, because, ummmmmmmm……ummmmmmm….they are old guys. They want some relic that Lara has, it”s a very important relic because ummmmmmm….ummmmmmmmm.

Don”t know, movie didn”t explain, and if they did, I didn”t care. At the end of the movie, in an ice cave, Lara and one of the bad guys grab hold of this relic at the same time, all of a sudden they are transported to another realm, there is this huge black triangle they must climb up to reach some shit that I don”t remember. Does that make any sense to you guys?? It makes even LESS SENSE if you actually see it, trust me. It looked like a Tony Robbins infomercial showing people climbing to the top of the proverbial pyramid of life, it was that ridiculous.

Tony Robbins

NOTHING however can top the ending. She reaches the top of Tony Robbins” pyramid first, grabs hold of Tinkerbell. All of a sudden, the ice cave stars to collapse. She finds SNOW DOGS, and she sleighs her way out of the collapsing ice cave, SMILING and laughing the entire time. At this point I too was smiling and laughing, that the movie was OVER and that I can go home and do something more constructive with my time, like watch the chia pet grow. I hear the sequel is actually worse, I might just see it only to put it in these awards. Hey Pac Man, you saw Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, what did you think?

Pac Man: Click!

Paul: My thoughts exactly! Take it away Pac!!!!!

Pac Man: Our next movie is an inexcusable, I repeat, INEXCUSABLE piece of zombie dog shit. The second award of the night goes to….

Resident Evil

RESIDENT EVIL!!!!!

Paul: I have to admit, sometimes I”ll go into a movie ASSURED that it will suck, and sometimes I”m WRONG and I eat my foot. To swing the pendulum the other way though, there will be movies that I am ASSURRED will suck, and they actually turn out to be WORSE than I expected, ladies and gentlemen, Resident Evil. Where to begin….I CHALLENGE anyone who can give me a name for the main character of the movie, plus the guy she was with. I challenge anyone who can tell me why they were in bed with each other, and what they were doing in that mansion. There, that”s for starters. They descend with a bunch of marines and they encounter Survival Horror Movie Cliche” #1: Strange Creepy Little Girl with english accent, this time in digitized form, wtf-ever. Next we encounter THE ONLY SCENE OF VISIBLE VIOLENCE AND GORE IN THE MOVIE.

The laser scene, one of the first to die is, Survival Horror Movie Cliche #2: THE BLACK GUY. The scene was amusing enough, little did I know that in this zombie movie (yes, it”s a zombie movie, more on that later) that”s the last violence I”d see. We encounter zombies that resemble the zombies in Thriller by Michael Jackson. That”s just ignorant. Instead of it being scary, it looked laffable. They start firing weapons at the zombies. Want gore, blood violence? It is a zombie movie right? Well, too fucking bad, let me storyboard Resident Evil for you. Camera shows someone firing gun, next zombie comes, some fires shotgun, next zombie comes, somebody swipes an axe, they go down the elevator to the next level. Now, in that mini storyboard, was there ANY shots of the zombie”s being sliced or blown away??? Nope. This BULLSHIT is most prevalent in the DOG scene, which in the video game is most memorable, yet forgettable in the movie. The dogs JUMP towards “Jane Doe” and she fires a sawed off shotgun repeatedly, not one camera shot of the hellhounds being destroyed.

Oh, don”t give me the whole “PETA wouldve gone nuts and bla bla bla”. Watch Cujo and Man”s Best Friend, hell even OLD YELLER, then proceed to kiss my ass. All this time we have Survival Horror Movie Cliche #3: The Battle Hardened Female Military Grunt. Michelle Rodriguez, a good actress, turns in one of the worst on screen performances ever. A complete RIP OFF of Vasquez from Aliens, all she does in this movie is pout. Even through the incessant pouting though, it”s still better than SMILING AND WALKING AWAY RTHTDHAHBARG ::CLUBS SEAL::. There are some scenes of the movie that would”ve been intense and scary, like roaming the halls of the lab, but since MARILYN FUCKING DIPSHIT MANSON is playing loudly in the background, we can”t pay attention the the ambience of the lab. After battling more of Michael Jackson”s minions and not seeing a drop of blood, they go on this train thing, and while Michelle Rodriguez Vasquez De Santa Anna continues to pout, a huge monster comes out of nowhere and starts eating the train.

I think I blanked out based on the stupidity factor alone, all I remember is her waking up, and everything is destroyed in the city, setting it up for possibly an equally horrific sequel. Oh I also remember me not caring. Paul Anderson is a great director (Mortal Kombat, Soldier, Event Horizon, HOPEFULLY Alien vs. Predator), but after seeing this crapfest, I have my doubts. I was NOT entertained by Resident Evil. If the movie did one thing though, it made me appreciate the game even more, even with it”s equally horrific acting, I get a satisfying storyline that makes sense, plus I see violence and gore, something that should be PREVALENT in a zombie movie, like the fantastic DAWN OF THE DEAD. Game over. Pac Man your thoughts?

Pac Man: Click!

Paul: You”re the best Pac Man!!!

Pac Man:Click!

Last and certainly not least, we have here the single worst movie ever made. Yes, the absolute WORST, this movie can almost fall into ANY of the Tripe Award categories, but it best fit in this one for obvious reasons…..the worst of the worst, ladies and gentlemen…..here it is:


Motal Kombat

Paul: NEVER before has a movie”s tagline SUITED the movie more. DESTROY ALL EXPECTATIONS. Literally. After the GLORY and GENIUS that was the first Mortal Kombat movie, one would hope that second one would equal or BEST it. I was almost in tears leaving the theater that night. How, how could it happen??? This is how. Imagine fitting almost every character from the MK series into one 1.5 hour movie. Chracters like Sheeva and the Barakas would come and go like nothing. If you went up to get popcorn and came back, you just missed 5 MK characters thet you”d DIE to see on screen. Nightwolf does NOTHING. Sub Zero comes then DISAPPEARS. MONSTERS COME OUT OF WALLS TO EAT PEOPLE. ESHETAJATJMNATJMNATJN IT MAKES NO SENSE ERAHEARHJNRAHJNRAHNJEA. WHY GOD WHY??? I saw the movie with Fernando, he made two of the best comments ever uttered in a theater, because they”re so TRUE.

1) This is a porno, but instead of fucking, there”s fighting.
2) Part 1 is WWF, part 2 is WCW.

LMFAO I can”t think of better words to describe MK Annihilation. Thinking about this movie gives me a headache. Remember at the end of the first MK movie, the EVIL AND WRETCHED SHAO KAHN?????? For some UNGODLY reason, in part 2 he”s played by some 20something year old actor who can”t act his way out of a barrel. Same with Motaro. You just look at him and laugh your ass off. The pinnacle of stupidity are the animalities at the end of the movie. They make the old godzilla flicks look like special effects extravaganzas. Oh then Shao Kahn”s father turns into a black box and disappears. The movie is so bad it”s WORTH seeing. It”s no wonder that only 2 actors from part 1 signed for the second movie, the others were actually smart and read the script b4 signing on. Even James Remar, usually a GOOD actor, sucked as Raiden. MST3K needs to come back and destroy this movie. Badly. Resident Evil And Tomb Raider are masterpieces in comparison. And after tonight, thats saying a WHOLLLLLLLE LOT! PAC MAN???!!!!

Pac Man:Click!

Paul: I think the Tripe killed him!! Stay tuned next week as we unveil the “JOHNNY DEPP SHAME AWARDS!!!!!” Until then, Godspeed

 

PlayPlay

Horrible Video Game Names

So the helicopter is named Revenge Joe and the helicopter has a brother. Honestly, when you look at this game do you even care about the storyline?~J.A. Laraque

Horrible Video Game Names

Sometimes a video game name can make little sense but still becomes a hit because of how good the game was. Resident Evil was selected at random in a boardroom after it was decided that using the Japanese name for the game, Biohazard, would conflict with other games. Today we have no problem with the name, well most of us don’t, but there are some video game names that are just too weird.

twin_eagle video game

Twin Eagle – Revenge Joe’s Brother

[youtube id=”I4HpowDzqzo” width=”633″ height=”356″]

So the helicopter is named Revenge Joe and the helicopter has a brother. Honestly, when you look at this game do you even care about the storyline?

princess_tomato

Princess Tomato

[youtube id=”KNbqDFqBtxU” width=”633″ height=”356″]

You know to be honest we have princess peach and toadstool so having a princess tomato should not seem that weird especially considering she lives in salad kingdom. Honestly, I’m more concerned about living in salad kingdom. I don’t want to live anywhere near the tossed district.

tech_romancer

Tech Romancer

[youtube id=”j2ZX5lPaw-g” width=”633″ height=”356″]

This Dreamcast game is actually pretty fun to play and let’s just be truthful, there are some geeks out there who would have no problem getting down with a robot. Just listen to how the guy says the name of the game and the name of chapter 1 is called, It’s not fair.

pen_pen_tricelon

Pen Pen Triicelon

[youtube id=”fvZQzaHUDoI” width=”633″ height=”356″]

This game is just all kinds of fun and wacky as hell. The game itself is kind of like a racing game mixed in with winter games type events, but in a wacky world with strange music and even stranger charters.

sticky_balls

Sticky Balls

[youtube id=”wGkwjEa1piI” width=”633″ height=”356″]

I could try to explain this one, but the video pretty much does the best job in explaining.

We will be back with more bad video games names soon so stick around.

Resident Evil: Revelations – Teaser Trailer

Resident Evil Revelations
Resident Evil Revelations

Resident Evil Revelations is an original look inside the RE world taking place between RE4 and RE5. Revelations allows you to experience the events after the counter-terrorism group called the Bioterrorism Security Assessment Alliance or BSAA for short, was joined by new team members Chris Redfield and Jill Valentine.

The trailer gives you a few shots of Chris and Jill in various places including a huge ship and another mansion. RER promises to return the game to its survival horror and puzzle solving roots. The game will use the MT Framework engine used in RE5 and will be released for the Nintendo 3DS.

Video Game Movies: The ones that got it right

Video Game Industry the movie
Video Game Industry the movie

We already discussed the video games that got it wrong, but what about the movies that were at least good enough to not walk out of? Now, we are not saying these movies are perfect or even that they were completely true to the game, but that they were good enough to have a positive consensus across many gamers.

First we will start with my top pick and then look at a few others. Later we will ask our panel of industry insiders which video game movie was their favorite.

Silent Hill

Some people will disagree with me, but I felt they did the Silent Hill movie pretty well and this is coming from someone who beat all the original games and then watched his sister do the same. It is true there was a lot of tweaking not only to bring in new fans, but to mold the story to be more emotional. Many were upset that the movie mirrors Silent Hill 2 more than part 1 and making the main character a woman people though was just because having a woman in a horror film adds more than a male character would.

Believe me, I understand the critic’s objections, but this was a case where I believe the changes did not kill the Silent Hill story too much. The visuals and especially the music was excellently done. At first I was afraid the transition between worlds would not have been shown and only displayed by the entire screen going dark. I was presently surprised to see the entire transition shown and it looked awesome.

As said the music was taken out of the games with a few tracks added that fit in perfectly with the game and the movie. The story itself was modified and many felt the cult aspect of the story was not there the way it should be and I could understand that. You did understand how messed up the people were, but you weren’t drawn into their world until the very end.

The studio worked closely with Konami and that is the reason the visuals from the broken city to Pyramid head to the killer nurses were spot on. On the flip side audiences not familiar with the Silent Hill game or game story telling in general thought the long explanation of what was going on at the end of the movie seemed out of place and killed the pacing.

The ending can be a tossup. Many felt it left to many questions. Some did not understand it and more felt it was a bad way to try to lead into a follow-up movie. The movie itself did well considering and there was talk of a sequel. If/when Silent Hill 2 is made we will see what direction it goes in.

Resident Evil

You’ll have to forgive me on this one I enjoyed this movie. Sure, it was not very true to the game, but honestly having a loan character walk around for 80% of the film would not work. What I liked was they did try to incorporate the original mansion from the game with the Umbrella Corporation. The action sequences were well done and adding in the evil little girl Red Queen gave you at least another reason why the team sent in became trapped.

There was a lot they could have done with this film making it a better story, but honestly after watching the follow-up movies I am surprised this one came out as well as it did. What was really sad was the ending really made me want to see part 2 which turned out to be a horrible disappointment for me.

Intermission

There are a number of well-done video game movies, but let’s hear from our panel to see what were their choices.

Danielle Davis from Zombie Studios wrote:

Wing Commander

Give your brain the night off…

Most games are made with very iconographic heroes and villains. You don’t have to worry about plot or story as much, and can focus on the core gameplay. Nearly everything is black and white. The Heroes are universally good, and the Villains are the purest of evil.  As we get older, we learn life is really just shades of grey (or from “a certain point of view”).

Wing Commander can be viewed the same way.  As a whole, Wing Commander (Movie) can be cheesy and flashy, but in reality that is pretty much how it is in the game franchise. Wing Commander (Game) followed the general curriculum of building characters plot like any other Action\Army movie (just like Aliens or Predator). You’ve got your classic “Girl trying to compete with the big boys”, or “Leader struggling under the burden of leadership”, or “Overly Aggressive Hot Shot “, and of course “Cool as Ice and plays everything by the book”. Is it cliché? Yes. But do stereotypes help identify personality and move the plot forward quicker? Sadly yes.  Since it was established in the Games, so must the continuity be maintained for the Movie. The amount of Cheese and Awesomeness in the movie, is equal to the Cheese and Awesomeness in the game.

Back to the shades of grey. A two hour movie of continuous dog-fighting, would be pretty hard to accomplish (Memphis Belle is the only one I can think of). By introducing personal flaws, strategic mishaps, personal failures, and over-ambition, you can subtly add secondary antagonist. For example: Maniac. He’s reckless and going to get his teammates killed. Does that make Maniac a bad guy? Depending on your point of view, you could say Yes. So, you have your primary Villians (the Kilrathi), and you have the secondary villains (ambition, fear, self-doubt).

By now, you’re asking yourself “You’re INSANE! How do you enjoy such a crappy movie? I mean, seriously, are you high?”. And the answer is, well kinda “Yes”. You can’t enjoy a movie like this by comparing it to other movies that have freedom of script and design. You have to simply take your brain out, and give it a two hour break. Relive what it’s like to be 12 years old again, and just enjoy the Good Guys, Bad Guys, and big explosions. Enjoy the simplicity of “this guy’s a douche bag”, “wish this dude would chill out”, and “this chick is awesome” without thinking about the deeper context and military discipline (let alone plot). Enjoy two carriers slugging it out point blank range. Just relax and enjoy it. Why? Because that’s exactly what you did when you’re played it as a game. You gave your brain the night off…

David Warhol from Realtime Associates wrote:

Tomb Raider

The shower scene was HILARIOUS!  (And if you don’t remember or know what I’m talking about, watch or re-watch it…. it’s for real.)

J.A. As a bonus here is the funny shower scene.

J.A. As a super bonus here is Angelina Jolie in the shower.

Corey Dangel from Detonator Games wrote:

King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters

It is, without a doubt, my favorite video game related movie. The story follows Steve Wiebe on his quest to achieve the “official” high score for Donkey Kong. Along the way he must defeat several different adversaries, the least of which is the actual score needed to reach the top. It’s a classic underdog tale, only the heroes and villains are real and contemporary, and a great documentary…exploring themes like obsession, vanity, dedication, and legacy all wrapped in a cloak of classic coin-op arcade games. Besides, who doesn’t love Donkey Kong!?

Juan Gril from JoJu Games wrote:

Tron and Wargames!


 

POD: Marvel versus Capcom 3

Marvel vs Capcom 3 logo
Marvel vs Capcom 3 logo

I won’t even try to pretend I am not fanboi’ing out over MvC3. When I first heard about it I was excited and it took me back to the days when I played X-Men versus Street Fighter. I would spend hours at the gas station playing and honestly kicking everyone’s ass who dared to challenge me. Then I moved on to the arcades where I had a pretty strong record, but as always some 8 year old kid would come and lay the smack down on me, I swear his dad made the game.

When Obsolete Gamer was at E3 2010 I got to see and demo the game and yes, it is flashy and has an anime fighting style with over the top special attacks. I can understand how some fighter fans would be turned off and with so many fighting games out Marvel versus Capcom 3 might not be your cup of tea.

However, for me I always loved mash up fighting which is why I even play MUGEN games on my PC. I just love the idea of different worlds coming together. My dream is a game where its DC versus Marvel done Capcom style not Mortal Kombat style (sorry).

For today’s picture of the day we bring you screenshots of a very well-known hero and an undeniably evil bad guy. In addition we have two videos showing off gameplay of these two. First up is everyone favorite friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. Next is the man you love to hate and bain of the Resident Evil series, Wesker.

First up: Spider-man

Next up: Wesker

Check out the screenshots:

Classic Gaming Beauty Pageant

Ever hear the saying; “Don’t be fooled by a pretty face”? In this case that “pretty face” can put you in intensive care quicker than a Dragon Punch. ~J.A. Laraque

Classic Gaming Beauty Pageant

We asked our fans on the official Obsolete Gamer Facebook Page which classic gaming heroine was the sexiest. We received a number of responses and now we will showcase some of them here. Let’s take a look at some of the lovely ladies of classic gaming to see if we can find a clear winner.

Beauty Pageant

Princess Toadstool

Princess Peach from Mario

With golden blond hair, big sky-blue eyes and rosy-red cheeks it’s no wonder Mario is willing to go anywhere in the galaxy to save her. As princess of Mushroom Kingdom, Peach takes her job very seriously and is even willing to battle to save her land. Her beauty and grace are unmistakable, she clearly owns the evening gown competition, but she is much more than just another pretty face. Peach is also an avid go-cart racer and excels in golf, tennis, soccer and even brawling. She is clear royalty that brings a lot to the throne.

Ms. Pac-Man

Ms Pacman arcade side

Nothing beats a full figured woman and Ms. Pac-Man carries the perfectly round look better than anyone else in history. While it is true the lovely lady spends most of her time eating she is constantly on the run which balances it out. Her strong suit is the swimsuit competition because she refuses to wear much else besides a pink  pumps, silk gloves and a lovely bow. Don’t get any ideas guys, Ms. Pac-Man is married and has a child. Honestly would you want to date someone who is constantly being pursued by ghosts?

Samus Aran

Samus Metroid

Sometimes a man wants a strong woman, someone who can handle herself in battle; someone who can kick your ass, that woman is Samus Aran. This battle beauty spends most of her time in her battle suit blasting away the badies in Metroid, but there is a softer side to ol’ Sam. When not blowing away anything in her path, Miss Aran loves to read war strategies and weapon tech manuals. She lost a few points for refusing to compete in the evening gown or swimsuit competition but her answer to what would she do if she won the pageant was clear and to the point, she said: “I’d keep doing what I’ve been doing all my life, saving the world.”

Tyris

Tyris Flare Golden Axe

Originally Tyris was not part of the pageant, but when a sword-wielding, red-haired amazon asks to be included you better not say “no”. Brawn and beauty are in perfect harmony with this video vixen. In Golden Axe, Tyris battled against the horde to seek revenge on Death Adder for the murder of her parents. Now Tyris is a swimsuit model and military consultant. That’s an A+ resume.

Princess Zelda

Princess Zelda

This noble beauty believes in the more traditional role of fantasy princesses. Zelda spends most of her time either in a magically induced sleep or trapped in some dungeon waiting for a hero to save her. Being a lady of stature and prestige she refuses to show herself in anything beyond her royal gown, but we still like what we see. Zelda understands the key to being saved is looking good and patience, lots and lots of patience.

Chun Li

Chun Li Street Fighter anime

Ever hear the saying; “Don’t be fooled by a pretty face”? In this case that “pretty face” can put you in intensive care quicker than a Dragon Punch. Chun Li is a competitor be it in Street Fighting or beach volleyball, she doesn’t like to lose. Being the first lady of fighting games has put a target on her head and Ms. Li wouldn’t have it any other way. She loves to show off her silky smooth legs and powerful thighs, but that is just a trap. If you are not careful you will quickly become a victim to her lighting fast kicks. Chun has no problem using her brute force to get what she wants, she rather kick you than kiss you which is why many of the judges are voting 10.

Jill Valentine

Jill Valentine Resident Evil fan art

If you were to date this woman and Valentine’s Day came around it would be in your best interest to give her the world. I mean not only is Valentine her last name, but she kills zombies for a living. You have to love a woman with a gun who knows how to use it and with her lock picking skills you will never run out of ammo. Now some have called her the weaker link in team Resident Evil, but that is far from the truth. Her strengths lie in her versatility. Jill is proficient in many different weapons and her puzzle solving skills are top shelf. Ms. Valentine dazzled us with her numerous wardrobe changes. We asked her, “Why do you love to show off all your different types of clothing?” Her response was, “Do you have any idea what I had to do to get these clothes?”

Lara Croft

Lara Croft - Tomb Raider

When out raiding tombs and treasure hunting it is important to have the total package. Lara Croft is the total package. She has the brains to solve the most mind numbing puzzles and the athletic ability to run, jump and swing her away across the most dangerous environments. She is an expert marksman and a Rhodes Scholar and she has a pair of assets that are second to none. Ms. Croft defines pageantry competing and excelling in all categories she is the epitome of classic gaming excellence and beauty. Clearly if there is a winner amongst this fine field of females it is Lara, she would have won even if she did not give us all a share in her latest treasure find.

Why did she Kick My Ass at Fighting Games?

His name was Erwin and he played with Orchid and was able to pull off a combo from the start of the match and chain it into a finisher so you did not get in one single hit. He taught me that trick in exchange for six bags of Skittles, a Mars bar and my limited edition Cobra Commander with cloth mask.~J.A. Laraque

Why did she Kick My Ass at Fighting Games?

One day when I was a teenager I decided to invite my sister to play some fighting games with me. She was totally not a gamer, hell she didn’t even know how to turn on my SNES. I don’t know why I asked her to play, the last time I got her to try a game was Final Fantasy and she just looked at the screen, then to me and said; “So this is why you don’t have a girlfriend.”

Gamer Girl

Maybe I wanted revenge on her for scaring my ass a child making me believe there were ghosts that shook the house never telling me it was the subway underneath. Perhaps I was bored because my friends were out living life and I was trying to master every finisher in Mortal Kombat.

Mass Shrinkage

So I popped in Street Fighter 2 for the SNES, I figured the first thing I would do was show her who is boss. I had marathon seasons with my friend John who could beat the game on hard with the controller behind his back. (He did this and yet had a girlfriend). He would play Ryu and I would play Ken and thanks to his skills I could kick almost anyone’s ass.

Gamer Girl anime

My sister picked Chung Li because she was a girl and was “pretty”. She didn’t even ask what button did what, but I decided to give her a few moments to get used to the game. After a moment I jumped in expecting to finish her off pretty quickly, and then something weird happened.

I couldn’t lay a hit on her. She was just mashing the buttons and somehow she was kicking my butt. You should have seen her face; she looked like she was wrestling with a rat in her hands. She was blinking wildly and sweating. Even worst she would turn her whole body with the controller as if that helped her. All this and she owned me.

Oh Hell No!

We had about ten matches before I had to take a break to get some air (and to cry). I did get close; she had 10% health and somehow beat me. I could not believe it, 10 and 0, her win. I had to get my balls back so I loaded up the Sega Genesis and popped in Mortal Kombat.

beaten by a girl

MK2 was my game. I played in the arcades and was taught every combo and finisher from this guy who claimed his dad had worked on the coding for the game. I knew every in and out and I was determined to make my sister pay for what she did to me. If I ever hoped to get laid I had to beat my sis at video games. Yes, I see now my logic was flawed.

I picked Scorpion and again my sister went with a girl, Sonya Blade. My sister told me Sonya was a nice name; she nicely kicked my ass again. Don’t get me wrong, with MK 2 I won some matches, but in the end she won more. She even pulled off a finisher and she never played before or even saw the movie!

At this point I was her bitch and had one more game to try.

Balls, missing

Killer Instinct was recently released for the N64 and I had been trained in it by the master. His name was Erwin and he played with Orchid and was able to pull off a combo from the start of the match and chain it into a finisher so you did not get in one single hit. He taught me that trick in exchange for six bags of Skittles, a Mars bar and my limited edition Cobra Commander with cloth mask.

My sister thought the game was very pretty when I loaded it up and to her surprise I picked the girl. My sister was upset, but then smiled when she realized she could also pick Orchid. It was to be sweet revenge because I would beat her with a girl character.

hot girl gamer

It started off well enough. Again, she knew nothing of the game and didn’t ask for instructions. I had her half health when out of nowhere she pulled off a combo breaker. I felt my scrotum shatter as she pulled off her own combo and somehow killed me. I just sat there, my mouth gaping, I couldn’t believe it.

I only played her that one time. I got up without saying a word and left. I think I walked six miles before I feel to my knees embracing the defeat. At that time everything I was evolved gaming and my noob sister owned me in three different fighting games I was a pro at.

You took my balls and I’m going home!

I didn’t play any games for the next few weeks. I started to go out more and play basketball and even met a girl. It didn’t work out, but hey it was a start. In the end my sister helped to break the addition to games. I still played a lot more than a normal kid, but it did get me to realize that what’s important is moderation because if you sister can kick your ass then you might as well not take the game so seriously.

Girl Gamer FPS

I also had an effect on my sister. She got into video games though her type was adventure or horror like Resident Evil and Silent Hill. To no surprise she was very good at those games as well.

I never learned why my sister had a natural ability to own me. I never saw her play anyone else so I don’t know if it was just me or something else. Either way I learned something that day; girls can play games and lay the smackdown on you too. Later in life I made sure to get my girlfriends into games, sometimes they beat me, but in the end I always came out on top. (Lol’s sex joke for the win!)