The PFI Tripe Awards: The Data Memorial Award

PFI Tribe Awards 4

This is the Reverend Doctor Paul. We gather here today to pay our respects to our honored dead, The Data Memorial award, presented to films with the absolute worst endings ever. Let us start with a prayer.

Oh Lord, hear our prayers, these movies know not what they do. They were good movies, faithful movies, yet sins kept them from maintianing sanctity, in this weary world. Tonight we first pay tribute to the finale of a fine trilogy, a pure trilogy, the first Data Memorial award goes to…..

Matrix Revolutions - Movie Poster

The poster says it. Everything that has a beginning, has an end. Well, at least most do, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS ::CLUBS SEAL::. Isn’t false advertising illegal??? After all the hype involved within The Matrix Trilogy, all the anticipation, the pledge by the Wachowski brothers that there will be no more Matrix movies after Revolutions, we get an ending that leaves more LOOSE ENDS than a stay in prison. To prove this fact, I didn’t know the ending to the movie until a few days AFTER I saw it. Yes, AFTER. Something with Neo and the “head machine”, and he fights Smith, then he gets dragged away by sentinels, either unconscious or dead. So Neo’s dead, I think. Yeah. As you see the sentinels drag Neo away, you can see the entire trilogy dragged with it. NO CONFIRMATION OF NEO’S DEATH. NO CONFIRMATION OF WHAT THEY DO WITH HIM.

It almost seems like the Wachowski brothers realized they fucked up with the RIDICULOUS “cycle” storyline initiated in Reloaded, and wnated to RUSH the ending so people won’t notice how VAIN it all was. All the fights, all the philosophy, all the purpose, gone. It doesn’t end, I think. After the Machines withdraw from Zion, we get a minute or two of closure. The fact that the whole thing was a cycle isn’t closure, and the fact that this war happens over and over again also isnt closure. This ending makes the whole struggle seen in these 3 movies USELESS, as if it doesn’t matter because the war will happen again. THIS IS NOT AN ENDING, IT’S HORSEBALLS. The brothers have claimed to continue the story in VIDEO GAMES. See the previous volume of the tripe awards please. Rest in peace Neo, I think. And Rest in peace Matrix, we hardly knew you.

Hail Mary, mother of God, thy Kill Bill 1, thy movie be fun, on screen as it is in cinema. Domini madre, domini padre, amen. ::floor rumbles:: Oh shit, what the fuck is this??? ::building rocks back and forth:: OMG IT’s A DISASTER. Oh nevermind, it’s the winner of the next Data Memorial award….

KILL BILL: VOLUME 2!!!!!

A special thanks goes out to Marilu, who got us into a special screening of Kill Bill: Volume 2 for FREE. If I had to pay for the biggest disappointment since Bush winning the 2000 election, SEALS would be on the endangered species list.
I’d like to supress things that i KNOW I will hear, because I’ve heard them. I REALIZE THAT KILL BILL IS SUPPOSED TO BE ONE MOVIE, I know it was split into two for time constraints. But SINCE people had to pay TWICE to see “one movie”, the movies ARE NOT ONE, but TWO. The first volume of Kill Bill is simply one of the greatest movies of all time. The perfect blend of emotion, violence, action, and comedy. The first half of Volume 2 is fantastic as well. For those who haven’t seen it yet, here’s a piece of advice. In Volume 2, when Beatrix goes to visit the spanish pimp, walk out of the theater, have a drink, and create your own conclusion to the Kill Bill legacy, because Tarantino’s conclusion is quite possibly the SHITTIEST COP OUT IN FILM HISTORY. At the end of Volume 1, we perceive Bill to be a maniacal madman. WE CANT WAIT TO SEE HER…….

KILL BILL.

Turns out though that Bill is a SOFTIE. EVIL BILL, HELLFIRE BILL, GEORGE W. BILL. He destroyed her wedding because she left him, they were in love, aww isn’t that sweet??? NOT BECAUSE SHE WALKED OUT ON AN EVIL CRIME SYNDICATE. This makes the entire first volume, and the ENTIRE REVENGE ANGLE USELESS. The last 20 minutes are mind numbing, as Bill goes into a diatribe about goldfish and superman. I know this is a Tarantino movie, but give me a fucking break ok? The vague conversations worked in Pulp Fiction, but this is KILL BILL. FIGHTING, KUNG FU, GORE, PESTILENCE, DRHDRJDRJHEUYE$YWE$Y. After this conversation, we expect the most anticipated fight scene in movie history: Beatrix vs. Bill. HERE WE GO!!!! FINALLY!!!

Bill pulls a sword on her. 10 SECOND FIGHT SCENE IN WHICH THEY ARE BOTH SEATED. ::CLUBS GOLDFISH:: She does this five finger move on him that he explains to her in a flashback scene. If he walks 5 steps after this move, he dies. She holds his hand. Holds his hand, tears well up in her eyes. Awww isn’t that sweet?? ::spits:: He gets up, takes 5 steps, and collapses. No blood, nothing. Bill, tyrant in part 1, collapses and dies, along with the movie in general. To quote Miami Herald movie critic, “imagine if Luke and Darth Vader in Return of the Jedi sit down and talk about Superman and goldfish.” I couldnt have made a better analogy myself. So it became almost a romance. I was led to rename the movie: Kill Bill’s Best Friend’s Wedding Massacre. Other alternate names include :Kill Thrill, Kill Bill 1.5. Killjoy, Kill Bill in
under 10 seconds. Or best yet, KILL SEAL.

And God said let there be Trek, and he saw that it was good. And God said let there be Nemesis, and he saw that it was good. And Rick Berman said let there be Nemesis ending, and he saw that it WAS A PIECE OF SHIT. The 3rd Data Memorial Award goes to….

A few interesting facts first. Data has been a mainstay on Star Trek The Next Generation since 1987. The Romulans have been mortal villains since 1966. Understand these two simple facts. So at the end of Nemesis, Data dies heroically, sacrificing himself to save the Enterprise, and more importantly, PLANET EARTH. Sounds good huh? IT IS!!! 2 minutes later the movie is over. A one minute scene is featured showing the crew toasting wine for Data. 16 years of BELOVED Data, the HELL WE WENT THOUGH WITH HIM, and all we get is wine, and Riker wondering what song Data was whistling when he first met him, that’s it. I wanted to mourn Data, I wanted to cry for Data, but all I cried for was this RUSHED HALF ASSED ending.

Actually, half assed is giving it too much credit. 1/4th assed!!! FURTHERMORE. We SAVE THE ROMULANS ASS FROM CERTAIN DOOM, and we get a message from them “You have a friend in the Romulan Empire”. Over 30 years of war, and all we get is that. Movie over. The time it took you to read this review was 5 times longer than the mourning for Data and making peace with the Romulans, events that spanned DECADES. As any Star Trek fan should know, Data got LESS mourning than the GUYS WITH THE RED SHIRTS THAT DIE IN EVERY EPISODE ::CLUBS SEAL::This funeral for Data IS THE REAL ENDING FOR NEMESIS. Captain Hernandez out.

And God so loved the world, he gave his only begotten son to pay it forward, and killed him. The final Data Memorial Award goes to, the single worst ending in film history……

A young boy discovers how to make the world a better place through generous gestures of kindness, passed on person to person, how do you conclude this story? Do you: A) Show how his idea has affected the world, B) Show him not wanting anything in return, or C) Stab him and watch him bleed to
death. If you chose C, you deserve a Data memorial
award.

It was a dark and stormy night, no for real, it was. I was flipping channels and happened onto the beginning of Pay it Forward. Halfway into this FANTASTIC MOVIE, THE CABLE GOES OUT. The movie was so INTERESTING that I went out in the storm to Blockbuster, rented it on DVD, and watched it that night. I should’ve stood outside with a lightning rod after seeing how the movie ended. The Haley Joel Osment character revolutionizes kindness by creating a theory called Pay It Forward. He does a kind thing for someone, that person must then do something kind for 3 people, and so on and so forth. His kindness is rewarded at the end of the movie when some IDIOT LOOKING KID STABS HIM AT SCHOOL AND HE DIES. HE DIES. DIES. THAT’S D.I.E., DIE!!!! WHAT DOES THAT SHOW? WHAT KIND OF MORALS DO YOU HAVE. According to how Pay it Forward ended, if we do nice things for people we GET STABBED????

This opinion of the movie’s ending is the most UNANIMOUS AGREEMENT ever. NOBODY LIKED THE ENDING. THE KID DID NOT NEED TO BE A MARTYR. THIS IS NOT THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST. Having Osment die in Pay it Forward is the equivalency of having the astronauts in Apollo 13 plummet to the moon in a fireball. In fact, I may be wrong about the unanimous agreement, because CRIMINALS AND MURDERERS LOVE THE ENDING. It gives them HOPE AND FAITH for a SHITTY WORLD WHERE GOOD DEEDS GO PUNISHED. ::CLUBS SEAL:: We see NOTHING of how the pay it forward spread through the world. We see DEATH and MISERY. Pay It BACKWARD, directed by Mimi DEADER, produced by O.J. SIMPSON, Screenplay by JEFFREY DAHMER. Rated S.E for STUPID ENDING.

Funny how all these endings involve death.

One dies, we think.
One dies, romantically, in under 10 seconds.
One dies, with so little mourning he might as well have an unmarked grave.
One dies, leaving the rest of the movie, hell, the rest of CINEMA ITSELF, in VAIN.

May these endings burn in the firy pits of hell. Amen.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.

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