His name was Erwin and he played with Orchid and was able to pull off a combo from the start of the match and chain it into a finisher so you did not get in one single hit. He taught me that trick in exchange for six bags of Skittles, a Mars bar and my limited edition Cobra Commander with cloth mask.~J.A. Laraque

Why did she Kick My Ass at Fighting Games?

One day when I was a teenager I decided to invite my sister to play some fighting games with me. She was totally not a gamer, hell she didn’t even know how to turn on my SNES. I don’t know why I asked her to play, the last time I got her to try a game was Final Fantasy and she just looked at the screen, then to me and said; “So this is why you don’t have a girlfriend.”

Maybe I wanted revenge on her for scaring my ass a child making me believe there were ghosts that shook the house never telling me it was the subway underneath. Perhaps I was bored because my friends were out living life and I was trying to master every finisher in Mortal Kombat.

Mass Shrinkage

So I popped in Street Fighter 2 for the SNES, I figured the first thing I would do was show her who is boss. I had marathon seasons with my friend John who could beat the game on hard with the controller behind his back. (He did this and yet had a girlfriend). He would play Ryu and I would play Ken and thanks to his skills I could kick almost anyone’s ass.

My sister picked Chung Li because she was a girl and was “pretty”. She didn’t even ask what button did what, but I decided to give her a few moments to get used to the game. After a moment I jumped in expecting to finish her off pretty quickly, and then something weird happened.

I couldn’t lay a hit on her. She was just mashing the buttons and somehow she was kicking my butt. You should have seen her face; she looked like she was wrestling with a rat in her hands. She was blinking wildly and sweating. Even worst she would turn her whole body with the controller as if that helped her. All this and she owned me.

Oh Hell No!

We had about ten matches before I had to take a break to get some air (and to cry). I did get close; she had 10% health and somehow beat me. I could not believe it, 10 and 0, her win. I had to get my balls back so I loaded up the Sega Genesis and popped in Mortal Kombat.

MK2 was my game. I played in the arcades and was taught every combo and finisher from this guy who claimed his dad had worked on the coding for the game. I knew every in and out and I was determined to make my sister pay for what she did to me. If I ever hoped to get laid I had to beat my sis at video games. Yes, I see now my logic was flawed.

I picked Scorpion and again my sister went with a girl, Sonya Blade. My sister told me Sonya was a nice name; she nicely kicked my ass again. Don’t get me wrong, with MK 2 I won some matches, but in the end she won more. She even pulled off a finisher and she never played before or even saw the movie!

At this point I was her bitch and had one more game to try.

Balls, missing

Killer Instinct was recently released for the N64 and I had been trained in it by the master. His name was Erwin and he played with Orchid and was able to pull off a combo from the start of the match and chain it into a finisher so you did not get in one single hit. He taught me that trick in exchange for six bags of Skittles, a Mars bar and my limited edition Cobra Commander with cloth mask.

My sister thought the game was very pretty when I loaded it up and to her surprise I picked the girl. My sister was upset, but then smiled when she realized she could also pick Orchid. It was to be sweet revenge because I would beat her with a girl character.

It started off well enough. Again, she knew nothing of the game and didn’t ask for instructions. I had her half health when out of nowhere she pulled off a combo breaker. I felt my scrotum shatter as she pulled off her own combo and somehow killed me. I just sat there, my mouth gaping, I couldn’t believe it.

I only played her that one time. I got up without saying a word and left. I think I walked six miles before I feel to my knees embracing the defeat. At that time everything I was evolved gaming and my noob sister owned me in three different fighting games I was a pro at.

You took my balls and I’m going home!

I didn’t play any games for the next few weeks. I started to go out more and play basketball and even met a girl. It didn’t work out, but hey it was a start. In the end my sister helped to break the addition to games. I still played a lot more than a normal kid, but it did get me to realize that what’s important is moderation because if you sister can kick your ass then you might as well not take the game so seriously.

I also had an effect on my sister. She got into video games though her type was adventure or horror like Resident Evil and Silent Hill. To no surprise she was very good at those games as well.

I never learned why my sister had a natural ability to own me. I never saw her play anyone else so I don’t know if it was just me or something else. Either way I learned something that day; girls can play games and lay the smackdown on you too. Later in life I made sure to get my girlfriends into games, sometimes they beat me, but in the end I always came out on top. (Lol’s sex joke for the win!)

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