Good evening ladies and gents!!! I”m happy to announce that the last edition of the Tripe awards BEAT AMERICAN IDOL in the ratings!!! We”re on our way to the final episode of Friends, to beat that in the ratings, I”m unleashing the most ANTICIPATED award of this series: THE DATA MEMORIAL AWARDS!! Honoring the absolute WORST endings in known film history. Look for that the night of the last episode of Friends, together we can beat their asses!!!! As for now, on with the show!!!! Tonight”s presenter of the prestigious CINEMA KILLED THE VIDEO GAME STAR award, hardly needs an introduction, he is the one…the only……
Pac Man: Thank you Paul! Thankfully a movie has NOT been made based on my escapades, however, if that were to happen, it”s still be better than tonight”s recipients! Tonight”s awards feature movies that have been inspired by video games, however there”s one thing the PFI wishes to get across. These awards are given based on the movies, not how much they resemble the video games that inspired them. There have been some video game movies that had little to do with the game, and still ended up great (Super Mario Bros. is a good example, imagine if they made a movie JUST like the game, it”d get a Tripe award). Just wanted to mention that in passing. And now the winner of tonight”s first award…..
LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER!!
Paul: Thanks Pac Man!! Angelina Jolie is over-rated. Much like American Idol and Friends, I can”t understand mainstream America”s obsession with her. JANE Voight, I like to call her, as the poor thing looks like her father in drag. Ah well to each his/her own. Based on this love for Jolie, droves of people flocked to see Tomb Raider. I went to see it not because of Jane Voight, but because I was a mild fan of the highly popular game series, and, I was bored. The movie ended up being so horrific, I cring at the words “Lara Croft”, and I haven”t played any of the games since. Yes, it”s that bad. Imagine a movie where EVERY SINGLE action scene leads to NOTHING. Example: A 10 minute action scene where the alleged “bad guys” are invading Lara”s mansion, during this whole fight, one guy sneaks off, and steals some relic that Lara is protecting. As this man is escaping she just smiles, and walks away.
And Walks away.
You know, as a matter of fact, all she does in the movie is smile and walk away. Someone will tell her something, she”s smile and walk away. This happens 435325432q523653427624624y457hdjnfysmsym53 times in the movie, don”t believe me?, see it. If I weren”t being a cineamtic masochist that day, I WOULD”VE SMILED AND WALKED AWAY from the theater, but then there”d be no Tripe Awards, would that be a good thing?! Anyways, there”s a gratutious shower scene that was put there for whack off material (for guys that either a) don”t have the internet, or b) have the internet but are in denial that FREE PORN exists on the net.)
In this scene,because of the measly PG-13 rating, you don”t see ANYTHING except for maybe Jane Voight”s bare ass. GOOD! That eliminates a good chunk of the audience”s wishes! hahahhahahahaha!!! The bad guys in the movie are people called the illuminati, and they”re bad, because, ummmmmmmm……ummmmmmm….they are old guys. They want some relic that Lara has, it”s a very important relic because ummmmmmm….ummmmmmmmm.
Don”t know, movie didn”t explain, and if they did, I didn”t care. At the end of the movie, in an ice cave, Lara and one of the bad guys grab hold of this relic at the same time, all of a sudden they are transported to another realm, there is this huge black triangle they must climb up to reach some shit that I don”t remember. Does that make any sense to you guys?? It makes even LESS SENSE if you actually see it, trust me. It looked like a Tony Robbins infomercial showing people climbing to the top of the proverbial pyramid of life, it was that ridiculous.
NOTHING however can top the ending. She reaches the top of Tony Robbins” pyramid first, grabs hold of Tinkerbell. All of a sudden, the ice cave stars to collapse. She finds SNOW DOGS, and she sleighs her way out of the collapsing ice cave, SMILING and laughing the entire time. At this point I too was smiling and laughing, that the movie was OVER and that I can go home and do something more constructive with my time, like watch the chia pet grow. I hear the sequel is actually worse, I might just see it only to put it in these awards. Hey Pac Man, you saw Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, what did you think?
Pac Man: Click!
Paul: My thoughts exactly! Take it away Pac!!!!!
Pac Man: Our next movie is an inexcusable, I repeat, INEXCUSABLE piece of zombie dog shit. The second award of the night goes to….
Paul: I have to admit, sometimes I”ll go into a movie ASSURED that it will suck, and sometimes I”m WRONG and I eat my foot. To swing the pendulum the other way though, there will be movies that I am ASSURRED will suck, and they actually turn out to be WORSE than I expected, ladies and gentlemen, Resident Evil. Where to begin….I CHALLENGE anyone who can give me a name for the main character of the movie, plus the guy she was with. I challenge anyone who can tell me why they were in bed with each other, and what they were doing in that mansion. There, that”s for starters. They descend with a bunch of marines and they encounter Survival Horror Movie Cliche” #1: Strange Creepy Little Girl with english accent, this time in digitized form, wtf-ever. Next we encounter THE ONLY SCENE OF VISIBLE VIOLENCE AND GORE IN THE MOVIE.
The laser scene, one of the first to die is, Survival Horror Movie Cliche #2: THE BLACK GUY. The scene was amusing enough, little did I know that in this zombie movie (yes, it”s a zombie movie, more on that later) that”s the last violence I”d see. We encounter zombies that resemble the zombies in Thriller by Michael Jackson. That”s just ignorant. Instead of it being scary, it looked laffable. They start firing weapons at the zombies. Want gore, blood violence? It is a zombie movie right? Well, too fucking bad, let me storyboard Resident Evil for you. Camera shows someone firing gun, next zombie comes, some fires shotgun, next zombie comes, somebody swipes an axe, they go down the elevator to the next level. Now, in that mini storyboard, was there ANY shots of the zombie”s being sliced or blown away??? Nope. This BULLSHIT is most prevalent in the DOG scene, which in the video game is most memorable, yet forgettable in the movie. The dogs JUMP towards “Jane Doe” and she fires a sawed off shotgun repeatedly, not one camera shot of the hellhounds being destroyed.
Oh, don”t give me the whole “PETA wouldve gone nuts and bla bla bla”. Watch Cujo and Man”s Best Friend, hell even OLD YELLER, then proceed to kiss my ass. All this time we have Survival Horror Movie Cliche #3: The Battle Hardened Female Military Grunt. Michelle Rodriguez, a good actress, turns in one of the worst on screen performances ever. A complete RIP OFF of Vasquez from Aliens, all she does in this movie is pout. Even through the incessant pouting though, it”s still better than SMILING AND WALKING AWAY RTHTDHAHBARG ::CLUBS SEAL::. There are some scenes of the movie that would”ve been intense and scary, like roaming the halls of the lab, but since MARILYN FUCKING DIPSHIT MANSON is playing loudly in the background, we can”t pay attention the the ambience of the lab. After battling more of Michael Jackson”s minions and not seeing a drop of blood, they go on this train thing, and while Michelle Rodriguez Vasquez De Santa Anna continues to pout, a huge monster comes out of nowhere and starts eating the train.
I think I blanked out based on the stupidity factor alone, all I remember is her waking up, and everything is destroyed in the city, setting it up for possibly an equally horrific sequel. Oh I also remember me not caring. Paul Anderson is a great director (Mortal Kombat, Soldier, Event Horizon, HOPEFULLY Alien vs. Predator), but after seeing this crapfest, I have my doubts. I was NOT entertained by Resident Evil. If the movie did one thing though, it made me appreciate the game even more, even with it”s equally horrific acting, I get a satisfying storyline that makes sense, plus I see violence and gore, something that should be PREVALENT in a zombie movie, like the fantastic DAWN OF THE DEAD. Game over. Pac Man your thoughts?
Pac Man: Click!
Paul: You”re the best Pac Man!!!
Last and certainly not least, we have here the single worst movie ever made. Yes, the absolute WORST, this movie can almost fall into ANY of the Tripe Award categories, but it best fit in this one for obvious reasons…..the worst of the worst, ladies and gentlemen…..here it is:
Paul: NEVER before has a movie”s tagline SUITED the movie more. DESTROY ALL EXPECTATIONS. Literally. After the GLORY and GENIUS that was the first Mortal Kombat movie, one would hope that second one would equal or BEST it. I was almost in tears leaving the theater that night. How, how could it happen??? This is how. Imagine fitting almost every character from the MK series into one 1.5 hour movie. Chracters like Sheeva and the Barakas would come and go like nothing. If you went up to get popcorn and came back, you just missed 5 MK characters thet you”d DIE to see on screen. Nightwolf does NOTHING. Sub Zero comes then DISAPPEARS. MONSTERS COME OUT OF WALLS TO EAT PEOPLE. ESHETAJATJMNATJMNATJN IT MAKES NO SENSE ERAHEARHJNRAHJNRAHNJEA. WHY GOD WHY??? I saw the movie with Fernando, he made two of the best comments ever uttered in a theater, because they”re so TRUE.
1) This is a porno, but instead of fucking, there”s fighting.
2) Part 1 is WWF, part 2 is WCW.
LMFAO I can”t think of better words to describe MK Annihilation. Thinking about this movie gives me a headache. Remember at the end of the first MK movie, the EVIL AND WRETCHED SHAO KAHN?????? For some UNGODLY reason, in part 2 he”s played by some 20something year old actor who can”t act his way out of a barrel. Same with Motaro. You just look at him and laugh your ass off. The pinnacle of stupidity are the animalities at the end of the movie. They make the old godzilla flicks look like special effects extravaganzas. Oh then Shao Kahn”s father turns into a black box and disappears. The movie is so bad it”s WORTH seeing. It”s no wonder that only 2 actors from part 1 signed for the second movie, the others were actually smart and read the script b4 signing on. Even James Remar, usually a GOOD actor, sucked as Raiden. MST3K needs to come back and destroy this movie. Badly. Resident Evil And Tomb Raider are masterpieces in comparison. And after tonight, thats saying a WHOLLLLLLLE LOT! PAC MAN???!!!!
Paul: I think the Tripe killed him!! Stay tuned next week as we unveil the “JOHNNY DEPP SHAME AWARDS!!!!!” Until then, Godspeed