The PFI Tripe Award: The Bubonic Plague Award

And now…at long last, The PFI and Pepsico present…….
Bring out your dead
Ladies and gentlemen, the PFI is back with a vengenace. After ironing out a few personal problems, the Institute returns to dole out the last few Tripe awards, starting with tonight’s extravaganza.
Wait, who the fuck is walking on my stage???? SHIT, It’s director of PFI Tripe recipient RESIDENT EVIL, PAUL ANDERSON!! What the hell do you want?

Paul Anderson

Paul Anderson: I have come to claim my rightful heir to the throne of the PFI, you see, I have been wrongfully accused of RUINING two potential movie franchises: Resident Evil, and Alien vs. Predator. I however feel that the movie going audience NEEDS to be dumbed down by shitty storytelling, under 90 minute film lengths, and a PG-13 rating so EVERYONE, even kids can contribute to my lear jet..err…I mean “works of art”. The Paul Film Institute is under MY rule now, of course, the name shall remain the same: PFI.

Paul Hernandez: The HELL you are, just because you think you can dupe moviegoers everywhere, including myself, by putting out short ass movies that are needlessly rated pg-13 so more people can go see them, doesn’t mean you have the power to take over the PFI. What happened to you man? You directed 3 awesome movies: Mortal Kombat, Event Horizon, and Soldier. Come on.

Paul Anderson: Ok, I’ll be forthright with you. The COCA COLA company has sent me to take over these awards. Pepsi and the PFI are so popular, that Coca Cola has been losing ground for quite some time now. Plus, they promised to finance my lear jet….err…”works of art”.

Paul Hernandez: HAH, I KNEW there was an alterior motive, GET OUTTA HERE, and if I ever see you again I’ll throw so many horrific movies at you it’ll make Resident Evil look like The Godfather.

Paul Anderson: NEVER!! ::fires tranqulizer dart at Paul::

Paul Hernandez: YOU SON OF A.. ::collapses::

Paul Anderson: Ah yes, that was too easy. Now on with the show. To up the ratings for tonight’s event, I have decided to rate this: PG-13 by the MPAA.
PG13
::audience boos::

Paul Anderson: SHUT UP, you’ll keep your mouth shut if you know what’s best for you.

Audience in unison: ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE!….

Paul Anderson: Like their opinions matter… tonight’s host is a favorite over at the Coca-Cola camp. He is SO pimp and thugged out, and his commerical was hilarious! Ladies and gentlemen, I present…

DELUX_247!!!!
Delux_247
Audience in unison: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK….

Delux: Ya aight, Delux in the house keepin it real. Aight, true playa from day 1, aight. Welcome to mah crib, yo. The first thug movie tonite is one I liked, especially as a wannabe blunt smoker. This be Delux’s favorite comedy evah, aight? True playa from day 1. Here we go, Half Baked.

Audience in unison: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, HALF BAKED SUCKS, HALF BAKED SUCKS…..::throws cabbage at Delux::

Delux: Yea PFI audience keepin it real..wait, who that be comin’ up on stage? Mr. Anderson?

Paul Anderson: Aw crap, it’s director of GOOD movies OVER 90 minutes long, MICHAEL MOORE!!!
Michael Moore
Audience: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! MICHAEL MOORE, MICHAEL MOORE……

Paul Anderson: ::runs to his lear jet::

Delux: Get off my stage nigga, this aint yo’ shit.

Michael Moore: I owe Mr. Hernandez one, it is YOU who has exactly 5 seconds to leave, got that, KID?

Delux: It’s Delux son, DELUX!!!

Michael Moore: ::fires::

Audience: ::erupts in cheers::

::circus midgets come out and remove Delux’s carcass::

::Paul wakes up::

Paul: That idiot used rat tranqulizer on me, he was probably hoping I’d be knocked out longer than the running time of Alien vs. Predator, he failed. Thanks Michael, I guess we’re even.

Moore: Anytime Paul, keep spreading the word.

Paul: You too man, I can’t wait for your next movie, “Sicko”, about the bullshit of medicare, prescription drugs, and HMO’s in the American medical system. Keep spreading the truth man!! FINALLY, we can get to the BUBONIC PLAGUE AWARD. Named as such, for ALLEGED COMEDIES that were less funny than the BUBONIC PLAGUE. In fact, while watching these movie’s I smelled dead rats. Another connotation to the title, one must AVOID these movies like the plague. First up, the atrocious marijuana comedy….
Halfed Baked

Let me put this in the same classification as the Over-rated toiletry recipients. EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHER TOLD ME TO SEE THIS. I HESITATED FOR ABOUT A YEAR OR SO. I mean come on, how funny can a POT movie be. It’s something so cliche’ and overdone, you long for another zombie movie, or “innocent girl learns how to dance via sexy hunk” movie. So I gave in, was bored one day, and watched Half Baked. About 353256432643634 people owe me 45 minutes of my life back. Yes, 45 minutes. See, the movie was so UNXIOUS and NOT FUNNY, I actually gave up halfway through. I NEVER DO THAT, as you all know, I will STAY thru the TORTURE. All the movie was, Harland Williams (pre-Rocketman), and Dave Chapelle (pre- Chapelle show), saying non-funny lines and visualizing non-funny hallucinations that only people WHO HAVE NEVER SEEN A FUCKING CHEECH AND CHONG MOVIE WOULD FIND EVEN REMOTELY FUNNY ::CLUBS SEAL:: This tripe was instantly wiped from my memory, and it didn’t take any POT to do so, free will is the most powerful drug of all. WARNING to those who HAVE NOT SEEN HALF BAKED.

DON’T.

A better alternative would be to smoke pot, you’ll actually burn less brain cells, and you’ll LAUGH. These things do not occur while watching Half Baked. Avoid it like the Plague, you’ll thank the PFI later.

Enough of that bullshit. I present the final Bubonic Plague award, to, the single worst comedy ever filmed…
Shallow Hal
WARNING: IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED BY “FAT” JOKES AND FATNESS IN GENERAL. DO NOT READ ON. THE PFI IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY SORROW AS A RESULT OF THIS AWARD, HOWEVER THE FARELLY BROTHERS ARE RESPONSIBLE. TO CONTACT THE FARELLY BROTHERS ABOUT THE TRIPE THAT IS SHALLOW HAL, PLEASE WRITE:

wetriedtoohardforlaughs@shallowhal.com

Let’s get one thing straight here. You ready??

JACK BLACK IS NOT FUNNY.
NOT
NOT
NOT
NOT FUNNY.

There’s more of a chance of my fat ass winning the Tour de France than there is of me ever laughing at anything Jack Black says or does. I’m one who enjoys dry humor. However, Black’s humor is one that is not only dry, but Death Valley after the apocalypse dry. How this man has made it thru Hollywood is BEYOND me. He belongs on a crappy radio station like ::coughZETAcough::, so that all the idiot simpletons can laugh at his blandness without BOTHERING the rest of the American public.

So Shallow Hal is about a guy played by Jack Black, who is shallow towards certain women, because they may be ugly, fat, etc…. The problem that lies within is…

AS IF JACK BLACK HIMSELF ISN’T FAT AND UGLY AS WELL. If they REALLY wanted that STUPID angle to work, they wouldve cast Brad Pitt, who at the time was married to Gwyneth Paltrow. But JACK BLACK? I am sexier than Jack Black, I’m FUNNIER too, this is saying A LOT. I’M SO VAIN LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!! ::basks::…ok ENOUGH ABOUT ME. Something happens to him, that he begins to see these ugly women as beautiful, but only HE can see the beauty of the women, to everyone else, they’re fat and ugly, and are HORRIBLY insulted.

I’d like to point out to the audience that it takes A LOT to offend me. I’ve signed my way into hell by saying horrible things about 34543678765386538u6538rgrdyh times. However, this movie completely took it to the limit of degrading and insulting. This coming from someone who idolizes Trey Parker and Matt Stone, creators of South Park. Since the Farrelly brothers realized that fat jokes and ugly jokes can’t make an ENTIRE movie funny, they add a couple of recurring jokes, that end up JUST AS INSULTING and NOT FUNNY. First, there’s this friend of Jack Black’s, who walks on his hands because his legs are paralyzed, or something like that. Not funny. NEVER in my ENTIRE MOVIEGOING STUPOR have I EVER SEEN WRITERS TRY SO HARD TO GET THE AUDIENCE TO LAUGH. And you know what the sad part is, they SUCCEEDED, as the theater audience was in tears. I, however, was not. My sense of humor spans continents, keep that in mind. Next, the Jason Alexander character, has an extended tail bone, which he wags towards the end of the movie. I can’t make this up, you have to see it to believe it. Then again, don’t. This had the theater in tears laughing again. It was at this moment I had two epiphanys. #1: America is doomed. #2: These people are HOOPLESTERS. What is a hooplester?

Hooplester (noun), “hoop-ul-stehr”: a hooplester is an idiot simpleton who laughs at the stupidest and most unfunny shit, like a guy with a tailbone wagging it in Shallow Hal. The hooplester an be easily identified by his or her laugh ::HOOPLEHOOPLEHOOPLEHOOPLE::. Next time you go see a stupid comedy, take a listen, you’ll hear them.

So anyways, by virtue of meeting TONY ROBBINS in an elevator, Jack Black can now see the true image of the Gwyneth Paltrow character. A 45436464 pound woman who cant fit into her own clothes. He ends up scoffing at her, and she gets pissed at him and leaves her (like we’ve never seen that before). While I was still epiphanizing about America’s doom and hooplesters, the Jack Black character had an epiphany, that he loves this woman for who she is, not how she looks like, and they get married. In reality, he would’ve forgotten the fat woman, and hunted down another Paltrow-esque woman. But this isn’t reality.

The ending is a total backfire. This ending is more fantasy than the bastard child of Harry Potter, Narnia, and Lord of the Rings combined. This movie insults the intellgence of fat people by exploiting their problem, THEN proceeds to make up that fact by giving them FALSE HOPES??? THIS is the sad world we live in ladies and gentlemen. Think I’m an asshole for thinking this way?? I’ve spoken to fat people who AGREE WITH ME. Shallow Hal, that UN FUNNY PIECE OF SHIT RYHREHYREYH ::CLUBS SEAL:: MOVIE contributes to the superficiality and downfall of modern society.

To quote Fernando’s grandma’s call to that IDIOT GERALDO RIVERA, doing a show on how fat people are unhappy.

“I FAT, AND I HAPPY, HE NO FAT AND HE NO ES HAPPY”

Stay tuned as we present the Science Friction award, until then, eat snacky smores.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.