J.A. Cares

J.A. Cares: Trial Addiction

Listen Jane, you need to just hack your sister’s television and show here a Law and Order episode. I mean I thought all trials lasted ten minutes max until I was arrested myself. Man I was pissed, I kept waiting for the commercial break so I could get the hell out of there and it never came. [...]

Tales of a Driver: The two Mr. Walkers

The man ran out at me. “Not so loud, the neighbors complain about everything.” His eyes were darting all over the place. “Look kid I am a bit short, I have fifty bucks take it and I will get you next time” There was no way I was going to accept that. “Sir, I can’t do that I need at least the full cost of the ribs even if you can’t tip me” the man got mad. “Well what if I can’t pay then?” I smiled at him. “Then I dial 911 on my cell phone” “I’m kidding, just give me a sec” the man said. I wasn’t leaving without my money so I sat on the steps when a cab pulled up to the apartment. Three men and two women got out the car and stared right at me. [...]

Tales of a Driver: Social Security

The war?! Wait a sec how old is this lady? She then told me that when she moved to Chicago she joined a swingers club and it was fun at first but was a bit to public for her likes. She then started her own “club” with a few select members. She told me she has been doing this for twelve years. I didn’t even realize we had drunk the whole bottle of wine and finished the pizza. “Do you want to see some pictures” she asked. Then lead me to her bedroom. She showed me pictures of her with all types of different guys and locations, this lady was well traveled. [...]

Tales of a Driver: I’m not the only one who delivers

Maggie’s friends went over to the other women in the living room it didn’t take long until they were getting into it. Come with me young man I have my purse in the room” Maggie called to me. I walked into what I guess was a spare bedroom; Maggie took a hundred dollar bill out of her bag. “Have you ever seen this before” I smiled “Sure lady all the…” she then opened her robe to reveal herself. “I’ve seen that to… [...]

Back in Business

So what does this mean, well it means we want to bring back the Obscure and bring back the funny. We plan to push out all new articles and hopefully bring back some of the classic writers you know and love with some new blood as well. There will be some cosmetic changes and we hope to push social media and the forums to bring in more readers. [...]

J.A. Cares: The Banned Bachelor

Unemployment is just too much fun which is why there hasn’t been a new post since like forever. However, as the e-mail inbox continues to stack up (all spam) it’s time to get back to work. Since we are in wedding season I decided to try and help (ridicule) someone who is having a problem with a bachelor partyMen have lost the middle ground. We seem to have two levels now, complete pussy and raging abusive asshat. There has to be a middle ground where we make our opinions clear and stand up for what we want. You must search for your balls and even if you find them in her heart shaped box you can still reattach them. If you don’t do this now you will end up hating yourself and her in the end. On the flipside, don’t be a hypocrite. If she wants to go to Chippendales or whatever then you can’t turn all emo on her. Communication is key, you can do it now or when your divorce lawyers meet, the choice is yours. [...]

J.A. Cares: HappyWorkers

We know War-mart is evil, but how evil are they. First of all, the old lady in the front of the store, she is not an old lady. She was Becky, a fifteen year old freshman fromValley High, but she mistakenly flipped the bird to one of those smiley faces they have all over the store. What Becky didn’t know what that those smiley faces transmit data to Satan in hell and then back up to the Wal-mart mother-ship in orbit. [...]

J.A. Cares Issue: The Vampire Diaries

Have you ever seen the Twilight convention photos? I haven’t seen that many portly women since the great Sara Lee baked goods give-a-way of 2006. It’s like a World of Warcraft convention with plus sized females. There is a sea of pale white high fructose corn syrup enhanced women and then the one ninety-eight pound male emo twat that they surround like hyenas circling a carcass. [...]

J.A. Cares Issue: Fat FAQ

You might see a fat person and consider him lazy, but for all you know he just lost fifty pounds. Remember, it takes years to lose weight if you were really big and as many of your virgins know, it takes time to reach your ultimate goals. In the meantime, keep your comments and advice to yourself and leave us alone. [...]

J.A. Cares Issue: The Wedding Planner II

The same goes for the food. Spend the money people. Nothing sucks worse than cardboard chicken and stringy beef. I have no idea how you can pay so much for such bad food, but I have tasted the worst. Sometimes I think it would be better to hold your reception at an all-you-can-eat buffet than a reception hall. Either way, taste test the food and make sure the drinks are free with no limit. Yes, you will go broke, but that is the price you pay for inviting all these moochers who could care less about you. [...]

J.A. Cares Issue: The Wedding Planner

Make them all suffer along with you. The key is to get them to not only pony up money and gifts, but be part of the wedding. Call in all your favors and give everyone a wedding related job. Baby showers and home warming parties aren’t so you can meet and greet, it’s a trick to get free loot. See most men take to far a back seat and in that case the woman may not take advantage of the free help she could guilt out of people. This is your job sir, call everyone you know like you were in jail and needed bail. Misery loves company and after those vows are spoken you’re pretty much on your own. [...]

The Incredible Child-Nip

Now I know you have questions. How does it work? What’s in it and is it legal? Let me answer those questions by telling you that our special spray release uses hidden ninja technology meaning that nobody will ever know what you did. Do not worry, the little terror will not be permanently harmed and the ingredients are all-natural and specifically designed to work only on minors fifteen and under. [...]

J.A. Cares: Whats the Matter with Kids

People are calling her Dora the Whorer now because they believe giving her a sexier look and moving to the big city with a monkey is… well, maybe they are onto something. I wonder what she will be exploring in the city. Perhaps she can help lost hookers and Boots can become a pimp? I have to wonder what Swiper will be swiping now, purses, cars, virginities. [...]

The Definition of Appreciation

The husband’s final attack was in saying that material gifts could never replace the gift one has when there are with the one they love. When you have food in your belly, a roof over your head and a warm body to sleep next to, those are the best gifts you could ever have. She ended (and won) the debate by saying that if that is the case then sex should be limited to when both parties are ready and willing to perform. This drew a silence from the room and just like when your sexy neighbor closed the blinds the show was over. [...]

The Black Friday Report

Have you even been to someone’s home who you know has an awful job and yet has an awesome fifty-one inch HDTV? Chances are if they did not steal it, they got it on black Friday. These bargain hunters will camp outside your local electronics store for up to ten hours to get that television half off. Normal men who would never be caught in a mall will load up their truck with beer and head out ready to do battle to get in, get the deal and get out. [...]

Dear Dish Network

The Direct TV man told me that this happens sometimes. The Dish Network or Cable guys will come by and offer their services and if you turn them down sabotage your system. He told me to be on the lookout and gave me his personal number to call if it happened again. I would have kissed him if he didn’t look like he would punch me in the face if I did so. I shook his hand and thanked him and ran inside to my bedroom to cry. [...]

Barack Madonna

As for the Spears people, their response pretty much conveyed how most of us felt. Their statement was, “Why would we want to get Britney Spears involved in presidential politics?” I agree that would be like asking a bunch of random people with no talent to audition on television to become America’s next pop icon. I mean, who would want that? K-Fed had a comment on the subject as well, but honestly, we just did not care what he had to say. [...]

Viagra Moments

Nothing says please have sex with me better than two senile people attempting to cook over a gas stove. I guess the smell of burning flesh reminds you of her legs rubbing together or something. Oh look, you found out you can pull that little spray thing from off the sink and wet each other. It will be the only wetness going on that night, pill or no pill. How about using the water to put out the fire burning up your table cloth? [...]