Tales of a driver: Pompous bitches & Panhandlers

fast food

During the summer, I would work extra hours during the afternoon at Chicago style restaurant and help take orders, make food and run the register. Even though we were right on the gold coast of Chicago this was Clark Street and we got all kinds of characters came into the store.

A snooty lady came in one afternoon asking for a burger with no meat on it, so I rang up an order for a single burger and gave her fifty cents off the price. The lady wasn’t happy with that; she told me that the meat is half of the sandwich so she should get half off.

I told the lady we have salads but that’s about it and that considering the burger was only a buck twenty nine, fifty cents off is pretty good. She then got in a huff and said that obviously I do not know how to serve people.

I was to busy for this shit, I told her we are very busy and if you want I will give you double veggies on your burger but that’s it. She then asked for the manager, great call because the manager and I were friends and love to play jokes.

The manager comes out and the lady tears into him about how bad I am and how I should be fired. He then turns to me and says “Well (J.A. Laraque) I have heard enough and you have got to go” the lady had a big smile on her face. “(J.A. Laraque)” the manager said “Show this pompous bitch out” the other people in the store began to laugh and clap as the lady turned red and walked out the door saying “I’ll see this place closed down within a week”

She was all hot air and we never heard from her or anyone trying to close us down.

My manager was a nice guy; however we had some bums slash panhandlers that would often come by since we offered a hot dog and fries for 99 cents. We just asked that they be respectful and if they were dirty or had a lot of crap on them take the food outside.

These guys had all types of goods, I knew most of it was stolen but they gave you awesome deals and I would often add bacon to their burger or extra cheese to get in good with them. One time I was really busy and kind of upset when one of these guys fries were handed to me I gave him some free cheese sauce but I guess I was in a hurry and didn’t give him that much but hey it was free so it didn’t matter right?

Wrong, this guy gets all loud says “How you gonna give me one spoon of cheese dog?” I told the guy I would get him next time. “They getting to you aren’t they man?” He asks “You use to hook it up good now I get a spoon of cheese what can I do with that feed my rat?”

At this point the manager came over. “Man I told you about being loud, now take your food and go” My manager wouldn’t take any shit from anyone but this guy wasn’t backing down.

“Your ribs aint shit homey” he yelled “My cousin can out cook your punk ass, you use too little sauce and the meat turns dry to fast bitch” my manager was pissed. “Get the fuck out before I through you out” I decided to slink back towards the dishwashers.

 

J.A. Cares: Trial Addiction

casey_anthony_fight
Street Fighter auditions were held at the Casey Anthony trial this year.

I did not know that I had a contract that states I have to help someone at least once a year. Hell, I did not know I had a contract. Oh well.

Jane Abby from Pendleton OH writes:

Dear J.A.

My 36-year old sister is addicted to the Casey Anthony trial. I feel for the whole thing, but my sister use to go out and do things. Now, all she does is sit watching the Orlando feed of the trial, 24-hours a day. How can anyone do such a thing? Help me!

My thoughts exactly, Jane, the CA trial has no boss loot and the faction you get cannot be used outside of Orlando and really, unless you are hitting a theme park or dying, why the hell would you be in Orlando?

Check this out Jane, perhaps your sister could go be a bouncer:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-kTqQME-aI[/youtube]

I haven’t seen ladies this riled up since the great Bed, Bath and Beyond super sale of 2009. It’s like the O.J. trial all over again except NBC said black isn’t in this year so they went with an all-white cast.

Perhaps your sister can practice flipping off the D.A. and earn time in jail and a fine:

Seriously, who does the hand in the face bird flip off (yes, that’s what it’s called) past 9th grade. If the guy went with the nose picker reverse bird flip with a tuck I would have given him a 9.9.

Listen Jane, you need to just hack your sister’s television and show here a Law and Order episode. I mean I thought all trials lasted ten minutes max until I was arrested myself. Man I was pissed, I kept waiting for the commercial break so I could get the hell out of there and it never came.

Oh, right, your sister. Yeah, there is nothing I can do for her except get her to play World of Warcraft at the same time. Did you know it’s free to play until level 20?

 

Tales of a Driver: The two Mr. Walkers

Delivery Driver Stories

The Chicago bulls were on their way to winning their third straight NBA title and business was booming. The game was running late so we stayed open later than normal, it was about 11pm and I had a delivery of six full racks of ribs.

I arrive at the house at about 11:05. I get to the door and it was open, this was normal if I was a bit late as some people would leave their door cracked so they could listen for me.

I ring the doorbell and call out “Chicago Style delivery”. Nothing, the house was dark also I figured maybe they were in the back watching the game. However, I am smart enough not to walk into someone’s house so I call again.

I didn’t want to lose this sale, these ribs came out to about sixty bucks so I decide to reach inside the door and turn on the hallway light. Just as I do this the guy walks into the hallway I must have scared him he sure scared me.

“I apologize sir, I rang the bell and knocked but nobody answered” I said in my most friendly voice. The man looked at me puzzled but then relaxed so I guess he was cool.

“No problem, I was in the back didn’t hear you” he looked at my bag “So what can I help you with” I lifted my back to show the man. “I have your ribs, the total is $61.25” the man gave me a blank stare.

“We’ll that’s a lot of ribs, let me get my cash” he said. The man went in the back and was gone for about ten minutes. At this point I was ready to leave so I began to call for him. “sir! sir! I am sorry but I have more runs to make!”

The man ran out at me. “Not so loud, the neighbors complain about everything.” His eyes were darting all over the place. “Look kid I am a bit short, I have fifty bucks take it and I will get you next time” There was no way I was going to accept that.

“Sir, I can’t do that I need at least the full cost of the ribs even if you can’t tip me” the man got mad. “Well what if I can’t pay then?” I smiled at him. “Then I dial 911 on my cell phone”

“I’m kidding, just give me a sec” the man said. I wasn’t leaving without my money so I sat on the steps when a cab pulled up to the apartment. Three men and two women got out the car and stared right at me.

“My I help you” one man said cautiously. I was happy; these guys must be his friends so they must have cash. “I’m from Chicago Style delivering these ribs to Mr. Walker, he’s getting the money I am just waiting” the man looked really puzzled.

“Uh I’m Mr. Walker I asked for the ribs to be delivered at 11:30.” 11:30? I thought to myself, but my boss told me 11, didn’t he? Wait! Did he just say he’s Mr. Walker then who is…

The man from inside the house walked into the hallway “Look kid I need to go I have sixty dollars but that’s it so..” he froze. “Robert!” the real Mr. Walker yelled “What the fuck are you doing in my house” Robert looked like he saw a ghost and took off down the street with Mr. Walker in quick pursuit.

“Call the police” Mr. Walker yelled. One of the women began dialing on her cell as one of the men walked up to me. “Don’t worry this isn’t your fault you didn’t know” Shit I know it’s not my fault what I don’t know is what is going on I thought to myself. “So what just happened” I asked.

“Robert is Bills ex-boyfriend, they broke up a few weeks ago I guess he still has a key” the man said. The cops arrived a few minuets later and Bill returned.

“Officer I chased him down Clark Street but he got away” the officer asked him to explain what was going on. It seams the deal was Bill and Robert dated, broke up due to Roberts drug use and Robert decided to rob Bill while they went out to watch the game using his old key.

Bill apologized for the mess and I apologized for being too early he thanked me and give me the money for the ribs and a twenty for a tip. I didn’t stick around to find out what happened to Robert because the Bulls won and I was too busy parting on Chicago ave to care.

 

Tales of a Driver: The Complex from Hell

Pizza Hut - Funny Now Hiring Signs

Delivery driving in Chicago was great so when I first came to Miami I took a job working for this company called hungry bear that sold pizza and wings. The hourly pay wasn’t so bad but I swear it was almost impossible to get people to tip and on top of that they had this apartment complex on their route which was just awful.

The first time I delivered there a naked man answered the door and proceeded to pay me with wet dollar bills. He told me he washed his wallet by mistake but the money was still good, I guess he was washing all his clothes as well. The second time I went there this lady tried to pay me in pennies and the bill was nine fifty.

Yet another time an older lady accused me of eating some of her pepperoni slices, she claimed last time she ordered a large pepperoni it had 18 pieces of pepperoni and this time it had 16 so I must have ate the two on the way there.

This complex also had a ton of unsupervised kids running around twice I came out to find the magnetic sign for my store stolen from my car, however they never broke into or damaged my car. I’ve had people offer to buy slices off of me; someone even wanted to purchase the little bag that keeps the pizzas warm.

One afternoon I delivered a pizza to an apartment there and the next door neighbor tried to out bid him for the pizza. Later I found out the two hate each other and the neighbor just wanted to make the other one re-order. That place had fights, sex and drugs and it smelled in the hallways.

My final time there was late night about 10:50pm; it was an order for two large pizzas with the works. I get to the apartment and ring the door and about 90 second’s later a baby opens the door. This kid must not have been over 4 if that much. I just looked at the kid and he looks at me.

“Hi” I said “I’m the pizza man, is your mom or dad home?” The kid then hands me the cash, exact change. The kid still didn’t speak and I didn’t know what to do because this kid couldn’t hold these pizzas. Then I hear a voice in the back. “Bring dem pizzas here boy!” The kid stretched out his hands to take the pizzas, so I gave them to him.

I was right the pizzas were too heavy and he toppled over. “Don’t you mess my pizza boy! Hurry” the momma called from the back. The kid then got up and dragged the pizzas to what I guess was the bedroom then came back and closed the door.

After that I was done with Hungry Bear that placed just sucked to hard. However I still wasn’t done delivering just yet.

 

Tales of a Driver: Social Security

milf

Working at the Chicago style grill was great and I made friends with all the workers including the owner and his son. I was allowed to make whatever I wanted I would even take my own orders, make them then deliver them. It was Friday and I received my cash and was about fifteen minutes from leaving when I got a call.

“Chicago style grill J.A. speaking”.

“You haven’t forgotten that you own me have you young man”? Maggie’s voice pierced though me. “No Mrs. Uh Maggie I have not what can I get you?” I stuttered out. “I just want some company don’t worry” she said softly. “Bring me a small cheese pizza and yourself”

Often at the end of the night, I would pay for the delivery out of my own money so I could deliver the food then just go home so this is what I did.

On the way to Maggie’s apartment a queasy feeling came over me, she was pretty attractive for a mid-40 year old but this was to weird. I arrived at her door and she opened it, to my surprise, there was no one else there and she was wearing a housedress, nothing kinky, all normal.

“I’m glad you came, I bet you thought I wanted something else” Maggie chuckled. “I just wanted someone to share my pizza with that’s all” she then got up and grabbed some wine. “What I want to teach you is how to really treat a girl” “Women like to be treated well and they like an adult not a child, someone they can talk to and be with” She then poured me a glass of wine.

I am sure now that I drink wine myself it was a really good wine but at that age it was bitter but strong. “Thank you Mrs. Maggie” sounding like a scared little boy. She told me that she has always been a flirt and that during the war she would meet sailors and such and show them a good time.

The war?! Wait a sec how old is this lady? She then told me that when she moved to Chicago she joined a swingers club and it was fun at first but was a bit to public for her likes. She then started her own “club” with a few select members. She told me she has been doing this for twelve years.

I didn’t even realize we had drunk the whole bottle of wine and finished the pizza. “Do you want to see some pictures” she asked. Then lead me to her bedroom. She showed me pictures of her with all types of different guys and locations, this lady was well traveled.

She put her hand around me and kissed me and told me “I was a good listener” I know I was drunk because I really couldn’t move. She began to make out with me and I was in no condition to stop her, I guess I didn’t really want to either.

She had a good body for her age, again if you have ever seen Christmas with the Kranks think of Jamie Lee Curtis’s body in that movie. I didn’t feel scared anymore, while the term MILF wasn’t used at the time I was in an encounter with one. This is a good thing right?

Then she told me to hold on for a second and grabbed a condom out of the dresser, come to think of it she had tons in there.

Then she took her teeth out.

The war she spoke of was World War 2 meaning she was not 40 something more like 60 something. No matter how much my mind wanted to leave my body could not. I don’t wish to go into any other details and I am sure most don’t want to hear them but needless to say she had her way with me.

She told me I did well but she could help me in a few areas. I told her that I had to go. She then gave me another hundred for the food and told me not to be a stranger. I never heard from her again and was too afraid to look her up. I don’t even want to think what number I was in the line of guys she has “pleasured” but it did happen and I did learn something, never get drunk with a sex crazed old lady.

 

Tales of a Driver: I’m not the only one who delivers

cougars_milf_gilf_demotivational_poster

This story follows up the story, Half the Pizza Double the tip.

I really didn’t want to take sides but they lady did tip better then Jim did so if there is only one person left in that apartment then I guess I rather it be her.

When I got off the elevator I could hear what sounded like a party going on, I walk to the door and rang the doorbell. It was the wife but not just her there were about eight other women in the apartment dressed up in skimpy clothing not quite Victoria secret but close enough.

“I am glad they sent you young man, as you can see my dead beat husband is gone” She invited me in. “You will need to wait a bit because I didn’t order the pizza my friend did she should be in shortly”

The other women were talking and dancing in the living room while I sat in the dining area. The woman came over and sat near me.

“I know this must seam weird to you but girls need to have fun sometimes.”

“I don’t understand Mrs.” She cut me off. “Call me Susan. That pig of a husband just can’t leave me be, do you know he lives on this very floor two door down?”

I tried to say something but was cut off again.

“You know he picked our marriage consoler and that son of a bitch tried to touch me during a private session, I sued his ass and he settled out of court and this is my victory party”

I could tell she was drunk and the dancing desperate housewives were no better. Then the doorbell rang.

“Ah the entertainment is here” Susan opened the door and I almost died.

It was that mid-forties woman with the sex club and she brought friends, all female friends. “Maggie” Susan called out. “Great timing and our delivery boy Is here to.”

She set this up so I would deliver? How? Why? Maggie walked over to me. “So we meet again are you 21 yet?” “No” I answered “I’m 18” she smiled, good enough.

Maggie’s friends went over to the other women in the living room it didn’t take long until they were getting into it. Come with me young man I have my purse in the room” Maggie called to me.

I walked into what I guess was a spare bedroom; Maggie took a hundred dollar bill out of her bag. “Have you ever seen this before” I smiled “Sure lady all the…” she then opened her robe to reveal herself.

“I’ve seen that to…” I can believe I said that. Maggie smiled. “You do remember me. It has been a while and I remember you.” She sat on the bed. “Young men, so inexperienced, I could teach you so much”

She leaned over towards me a put her hand on my leg. “I will give you this hundred if you let me teach you something” She then reached for my belt buckle.

There were three loud bangs on the door. I jumped up like I stole something and opened the bedroom door. All I saw were women and toys and clothes everywhere.

Susan ran to the door and opened it. It was Jim. “What the hell do you want” screamed Susan. “Your party is too loud and I saw that delivery boy here, you little party is over the cops are on their way up”

All the women in a panic began grabbing their clothes and running for cover. Maggie yelled out. “So you’re the bastard Susan told me about” Jim puzzled yelled “Who the fuck are you”? “I” Maggie announced “Am bringing pleasure to your wife something you could never do” Jim looked at me standing in the door way.

“It looks as if you’re trying to pleasure this young boy” Just then the words cops hit my mind again. “Uh I need to get back to the store” Maggie handed me the hundred and said “You own me and I will collect”

I ran out of the apartment and down the stairway, luckily missing the police, but now I was in it. The pizzas only came out to about thirty bucks and now I had this hundred and owed a sex-crazed lady.

I was excited and scared at the same time I had an awesome tip but how long would it be before Maggie called in to collect.

 

Tales of a Driver: Half the pizza double the tip

the-domino-effect

If you deliver long enough you can see a lot of weird things, keep in mind the delivery driver is a curious person and they will take notice of things happening in your household.

In my travels, I have noticed that people treat the delivery guy like the room service guy and will do anything in front of them. I have had people answer the door naked, get in fights, have sex, beat their kids, do drugs all in front of me while waiting to get paid for the food.

One Tuesday night I made a delivery to a couple in a nice high rise on the lakefront of Chicago. When I walked up to the door I heard yelling, as I knocked on the door right away a lady opened the door.

“I hope you got my half of the pizza right young man because I tip big for great service unlike Mr. pinch a penny over there” I just stood there puzzled. “The only reason you are so generous with money is because it is mine” said the husband.

I didn’t want to be here any longer so I stepped in. I have a large pizza here half bacon and ground beef half chicken and broccoli. The man smiled and looked at me. “You’re a strong looking young man, tell me, would you really eat broccoli on pizza? Its unnatural like my wife’s weird shaped forehead.

I tried not to make any movements or gestures. “You insensitive prick, this is why I am leaving you, this young man does not need to be involved in this, and besides my toppings are good for you. However Jim (Jim is the husbands name) you are right this young man looks strong and I better he’s “big” as well unlike some “unnaturally small” people I know.

I almost lost it on that one, I felt I needed to stop this and get paid so I chimed in. “I think this pizza as a whole is great it gives two different people two distinctive tastes that you both can enjoy.”

“He sounds like our marriage consoler,” the wife said. Before the husband could speak I shouted out. $14.82! “Uh I mean the charge is 14.82” “7.41” Jim called out. “As I make all the money around here I know how much things cost, here you go young man” He handed me ten bucks.

“A two dollar tip, figures” said the wife “2.59, since that’s about how much you will be making an hour once I’m gone you should get your amounts straight” Jim scoffed.

The wife smiled and handed me a twenty. “Keep the change young man, just as half this pizza is mine so will half of all your shit be Jim!” The two started yelling again as I used ninja vanish to get to the elevator.

 

Tales of a Driver: Open House

Swingers Club

When I was sixteen I took a job at a restaurant at Chicago called Chicago Style Grill, it was a family owned fast food restaurant that severed every food under the sun from breakfast, lunch and dinner

It was located near the gold coast (rich area) near Lake Michigan so it was a safe small area to deliver. I lucked out because they paid me hourly plus two bucks per delivery and tips. I only worked from 6 to 10pm weeknights and was paid at the end of the night.

About 90% of all the people I delivered to tipped at least two bucks, those that didn’t were easy to handle. I would use my blackness to scare them into tipping me with the look of tip me or I will come back to rob you and they always would tip me well. Granted I didn’t do this to much and most people were very nice to me and I to them.

In the two years I worked there I have seen tons of things. One time I came to the door of the apartment a little boy about 11 answered the door and began talking to me. I told the kid I have his dinner can he get his parents. His dad comes out of nowhere and yells at the kid for leaving his piano vertucopy.com lesson.

He tells me to hold on scoops up the kid and begins spanking him while I am there waiting for the money. Needless to say I felt bad for the kid but my dark side thought it was kind of funny. So the dad finishes and apologizes to me and pays me and I am on my way.

One of the weirdest trips was an order for eight full slabs of ribs to a really upscale fancy apartment tower right on the lakefront. I get to the apartment and hear sex noises coming from inside so I knock on the door and within thirty seconds someone is opening the door.

I just figured maybe it wasn’t sex but a porno I heard. This mid forty year old woman answers the door wearing a silk see through robe. Also she barely tied it at the waist so the top part of the robe was clearly open and she could care less.

Then I noticed I still heard the sex sounds and could smell it in the air. The lady goes “You got here fast, good, I need some food for energy” This lady I must say had a nice body so I doubt she was going to pig out on eight full racks of ribs.

She pulls out a wad of hundreds the bill, was only about 65. “All this membership money, why do I accept hundred dollar bills” she says. “Hold on let me get some smaller money” She opens the door wide and it was like something out of a porno movie.

It was some kind of sex party and in full swing to. About four couples doing the nasty all over this ladies house, the kitchen, the floor, the couch and the balcony. They all looked about late 30s to 40s as well.

When she went in the bedroom I saw one guy just spread eagle on the couch and he looked tired. So she comes back and gives me a hundred dollar and says “keep the change” then she notices the look on my face.

She pulls out a fifty and gives it to me. “You’re still a bit too young for this club, however we do not discriminate, look me up in about five years you can join our newcomers team” Yes she said TEAM!

So I left with a big tip and a big something else and a night I will never forget. The best part is this isn’t the last time I visited her place, but that is a story for another day.

Tales of a driver: The Tailors Tip

the tailor's tip

I worked in the richer area of Chicago so many of the people I delivered to had money. I delivered to this one guy in an awesome house you could tell was custom built for him. He was a heavyset Caucasian man and after about ten deliveries to him he became more friendly and talkative.

He told me he was the owner of three big and tall stores and was a big-man clothing designer and that he would like to higher me to test out clothes for his urban line. I thought it was great, he said he would pay me twenty bucks and hour just to try on clothes and if my picture went into his catalog, he would give me two hundred bucks per picture.

This was too good to be true. About a week later when I was not working I went to his home. He had a studio in the back of the house and a crew was there, a lady took my measurements and another lady picked out a few pieces for me and directed me towards the back.

The shoot went well and I was there about six hours, I realized I couldn’t do it for a living because in those six hours I only tried on ten different outfits and in the end none went to print but he gave me the clothes and paid me for the time.

About three days later, he invited me over again, this time it was just him. Boy his house was nice he had big screen TVs in every room and CD jukebox, pool and everything. He told me he was sorry none of the pictures went to print but said I looked great in the outfits.

I thanked him again then he offered me a drink. Ok this is kind of weird but he is a rich designer and they do things differently I mean it was just a glass of wine. He then offered to pay me a grand to take some pictures just for his collection.

I didn’t want to jump to any conclusions but I told him no thanks I’ll just stick with the original deal. He told me I had a unique body, it was round but with good curves. I didn’t want to go the whole gay designer route but this was creeping me out. He then said I didn’t have to take my clothes off but he would pay me more for underwear shots.

That was it, I had to go, he had a nice house and all but there would not be an indecent proposal here. I told him I had to go and it is best if I just delivered his food and kept it at that. He looked hurt. He told me it wasn’t sexual and he wasn’t even gay. He said designers just think differently and many people don’t understand that. I could have been a star he said but he understood that not everyone is cut out for it.

He thanked me for coming and I left, I still delivered food to him but besides normal small talk, he never said much else however, one time I did see another big guy in there with the photo crew, I wonder if he is a star now.

 

Tales of a Driver: The Pompous Bitch

Delievery Driver Stories Poster 1

During the summer, I would work extra hours during the afternoon at Chicago style restaurant and help take orders, make food and run the register. Even though we were right on the gold coast of Chicago this was Clark Street and we got all kinds of characters came into the store.

A snooty lady came in one afternoon asking for a burger with no meat on it, so I rang up an order for a single burger and gave her fifty cents off the price. The lady wasn’t happy with that; she told me that the meat is half of the sandwich so she should get half off.

I told the lady we have salads but that’s about it and that considering the burger was only a buck twenty nine, fifty cents off is pretty good. She then got in a huff and said that obviously I do not know how to serve people.

I was to busy for this shit, I told her we are very busy and if you want I will give you double veggies on your burger but that’s it. She then asked for the manager, great call because the manager and I were friends and love to play jokes.

The manager comes out and the lady tears into him about how bad I am and how I should be fired. He then turns to me and says “Well (J.A. Laraque) I have heard enough and you have got to go” the lady had a big smile on her face. “(J.A. Laraque)” the manager said “Show this pompous bitch out” the other people in the store began to laugh and clap as the lady turned red and walked out the door saying “I’ll see this place closed down within a week”

She was all hot air and we never heard from her or anyone trying to close us down.

 

J.A. Cares: Love burns like the clap

Train Wreak

People often ask me, J.A. how can you give such excellent relationship advice and my answer is because I can see a train wreak coming from miles away. I am the guy that tells you not to go in that old house where six people died and then laugh as you are cut to pieces. I wish I could be more help, but people are stupid and they don’t listen until it is too late.

This letter comes from Max Washington from Sweetwater, Florida.

I was hooked up with a woman through a friend who was friends with this girl who he met using IMVU. Honestly, this should have raised red flags but I went with it because I was pretty stupid. Basically, she was into webcams and became really clingy before we ever met.

After texting and IM’ing and talking for a few weeks one day she tells me “I love you.” At the end of a phone call. I pretty much say thanks and go from there. Over the next few weeks, she continues to tell me she loves me and begins to tell me her back-story.

She said the following things to me:

  • I had a child at 14
  • I had an abortion at 14
  • I tried to kill myself
  • I dated a guy who beat me
  • My dad tried to kill me
  • I killed my dog and my mom committed me
  • I escaped and started using Meth
  • I got pregnant
  • They took my kids away
  • I went to jail
  • I tried to kill myself
  • I ran away from home
  • I got pregnant
  • I got an abortion
  • My dad killed himself so I moved back in with mom
  • I don’t like condoms

So at this point, my head explodes so I don’t talk to her for a few days. Then I call her but her phone is disconnected. I go to her MySpace page and she wrote a post saying she lost her job, got kicked out of school and her mom kicked her out, all in the same day.

Weeks later, she messages me saying she is sorry but she still loves me. I did not answer. What do I do now?

 

Max you pretend you are in witness protection and forget that stupid person you once were. This issue you went through is the reason why online dating is really no different than faces to face dating except that you might have slept with her then learned she was a radioactive dump of drama and issues. Unfortunately, there are not any good ways to prevent this in the future. Often you can look for signs like crazy eyes, a lot of cats or knife scars around her wrists, but much of the damage lays deep inside where you can’t see it because it hides behind the boobs.

 

Back in Business

Obscure Internet T-Shirt

Hello,

My name is J.A. Laraque, you might know me from my articles on Obscure Internet titled J.A. Cares. I began writing for Obscure Internet back in 2008 and since then have been writing for many sites across the internet, but I always remembered this awesome site.

Recently I have been writing for Obsolete Gamer, a classic gaming site. When I heard OI was closing I contacted Glen because we wanted to bring it back. We love comedy and we have pretty sick minds so why not have a place to profile them and we came to an agreement to add Obscure Internet to the Obsolete Gamer network.

So what does this mean, well it means we want to bring back the Obscure and bring back the funny. We plan to push out all new articles and hopefully bring back some of the classic writers you know and love with some new blood as well. There will be some cosmetic changes and we hope to push social media and the forums to bring in more readers.

It’s going to be a fun ride and I hope you all come along for it.

-J.A. Laraque

 

J.A. Cares: The Banned Bachelor

Unemployment is just too much fun which is why there hasn’t been a new post since like forever. However, as the e-mail inbox continues to stack up (all spam) it’s time to get back to work. Since we are in wedding season I decided to try and help (ridicule) someone who is having a problem with a bachelor party.

Laramie Piton from Tea Party, Texas writes:

I’m going to be married soon and my best man wants to throw me and awesome bachelor party, but my girl is insanely jealous and doesn’t want me to have one without her. Isn’t the point to have one last big fun party before you tie the knot? It’s not like I want to cheat or do anything to piss her off, I just want to have a party with my boys. Is that too much to ask? What should I do J.A.?

How many times do I have to tell you? Marriage is like buying an American car, it’s been drilled into you that you should do it, but it sucks and you will regret it in the end. I guess it is too late for that advice, you are getting married, but let’s address what we can shall we?

If you feel jealous something is wrong with YOU?

Why won’t women get that men have to look at other women. First of all it is like the sun is to Superman, it gives us strength and though some men will fly toward it most of us know it’s best to observe from a distance. Every time you flip out on your man over looking it is more likely he will start touching.

Second we look for several reasons, but a few of the top reasons are because:

  1. She has something you don’t
  2. She’s doing something you won’t
  3. She’s breathing

Number three you can’t help, but if your man likes looking at a firm body then maybe you should firm up. However, this goes both ways guys. If you are looking at a firm body and you are a bowl of jello then you are just window shopping, which is fine, just realize you can’t afford what you are looking at.

The road to failure

Simply put, if your girlfriend is going crazy over a bachelor party then you have a long hard road ahead of you. First off, the bachelor party is a time honored tradition. Honestly it is kind of stupid because you are almost admitting marriage sucks the life out of you which is why you have to enjoy one last night out as if you are going to jail or something.

If younger women dancing around you and causing you embarrassment and a mild erection burns her up inside that much then you have a drama queen on your hand. Symptoms of a drama queen include:

  1. Thinking everything is about her
  2. Keeping you from doing things then doing it herself
  3. Crying over stupid shit
  4. Whining and complaining a lot
  5. Playing the victim
  6. Unrealistic expectations

The last one is killer because in her mind she has already mapped out everything and you will fail to live up to it. This starts with denying you a bachelor party and next thing you know you are having a scientology wedding with a Tom Cruise look-a-like as your minister.

Ball searching

Men have lost the middle ground. We seem to have two levels now, complete pussy and raging abusive asshat. There has to be a middle ground where we make our opinions clear and stand up for what we want. You must search for your balls and even if you find them in her heart shaped box you can still reattach them. If you don’t do this now you will end up hating yourself and her in the end.

On the flipside, don’t be a hypocrite. If she wants to go to Chippendales or whatever then you can’t turn all emo on her. Communication is key, you can do it now or when your divorce lawyers meet, the choice is yours.

Still on Vacation

I hope to help more of you saps, but until Obama kicks me out of his house I’m going to continue chillaxing in his basement. Keep the e-mails coming, I’ll be back in another six months.

J.A. Cares: HappyWorkers

My new year’s resolution was to work harder than ever, that was before my job gave me the boot. Lord Obama called me upset because me being unemployed hurt his job numbers. Obscure Internet called asking why if I was unemployed I was not submitting more. Well the tear bucket is full and this is my birthday month so let’s read some more e-mails.

Misty Pendleton from Galesburg Illinois writes:

I know my time is soon J.A., my job has been laying off people left and right and now that the holidays are over there will be blood, my blood. The strange thing is the people at my company are just so happy and upbeat. It is like they are on some drug and forgot to give me some. How can these people love their job so much? How can they be happy when the end is near? Am I crazy or is everyone else?

It is very possible you are crazy, but since the government recalled my shock treatment kit I cannot give you a qualified diagnosis. However, I can tell you about some people that can act like they love their job but it is all an act.

The Best Buy Carolers

You remember these guys right? They sing to people about what to buy from Best Buy. They look happy right? One reason is because they don’t have to sell those scam bait extended warranties on the street. Did you know they whip you if you don’t sell an extended warranty? Maybe my DVD does not need a five year scratch guarantee.

I have seen the fear in their eyes when I tell them no. They know a beating is coming and the one time of the year they get outside and taste freedom, well, they sing. But don’t fall for it, big brother is watching and if those smiles fade a sniper from across the street will take them out. Just look what they did to Circuit City.

A tale of two Wal-marts

We know War-mart is evil, but how evil are they. First of all, the old lady in the front of the store, she is not an old lady. She was Becky, a fifteen year old freshman from Valley High, but she mistakenly flipped the bird to one of those smiley faces they have all over the store. What Becky didn’t know what that those smiley faces transmit data to Satan in hell and then back up to the Wal-mart mother-ship in orbit. Becky punishment, she was turned into an old lady and placed in the front of the store to greet people, if she steps more than five feet away from the door her Wal-mart brand shock collar delivers a reminder of why she should not disobey her masters.

You know what else Flo’s?

Crap down a toilet. Flo the perky, not sexy enough to sleep with sober, but will do her if intoxicated and deny it till death the next day, is not a real human. See, Wal-mart has another company not many know about called People-mart. People-mart creates pod people that are sold as spokespeople to major companies. Flo is currently one of their top sellers.

Flo is perky and happy and loves Progressive Insurance because she was programmed to, but it is so over the top that her CPU overheats and she explodes after every commercial. This has made People-mart a ton of money.

By the way, the subsidiary of People-mart is Critter-mart and they have created such spokescritters as the Taco Bell dog and the Geico gecko.

Don’t you believe it!

Nobody likes their job, because it’s a job. Maybe they tolerated it or they work high or drunk, but if you see that level of happiness look out, it most likely is a pod person or a People-mart spokesperson.

Now I would tell you about Politician-mart, but they are watching me too.

J.A. Cares Issue: The Vampire Diaries

I haven’t been to the movies in a long time mainly because my home theater kicks the crap out of most of the non-IMAX screens out there. The other reason is a lot of movies just suck ass and I rather not twilight posterwaste my money on them, but what happens when a movie is affecting your home life?

Raul Paulo writes:

J.A. please help me, I met this really cool chick a few months ago and everything was going fine. We had great conversations and the sex was fantastic, then a friend of hers showed her the Twilight movie and now she is completely insane for it. All she can do is talk about the books and the movies, she swoons over the male actors and it’s affecting my relationship. She is going to camp out for a week for that damn New Moon movie and hasn’t given me even a hand job in months! Please help me.

Wow, I truly feel sorry for you really, which is odd for me since I hate everyone. Personally I hate Twilight as well. Normally I could at least say that it gets kids to read like Harry Potter does, but really there are almost no redeeming qualities to Twilight, the books, movies or fan base.

sparkly_vampire_by_blastedgooseFirst off Vampires don’t sparkle, how can you be angst, a bad-ass and sparkle all at the same time. I mean really, could you image having a Twilight vampire attack you at night, but you escape only to find them sitting on a rock bare-chested and sparkling? I would kill myself for ever being frightened of that. Raul, the first thing you should do is punch your girl in the face, not that I advocate violence, but hey, what’s more bad-ass than a punch in the face, oh right, sparkling.

Have you ever seen the Twilight convention photos? I haven’t seen that many portly women since the great Sara Lee baked goods give-a-way of 2006. It’s like a World of Warcraft convention with plus sized females. There is a sea of pale white high fructose corn syrup enhanced women and then the one ninety-eight pound male emo twat that they surround like hyenas circling a carcass.

You need to either sever or remove her eyeballs, but considering 52% of New Moon ticket holders claim they dream about vampires, that may not work. Now I all_day_long_i_dream_about_vampires_tshirtunderstand how Going Rogue could sell, why America Idol is a rating giants and why I can’t find plus sized women to hit on.

This is a dangerous condition as bad as the Jonathan Taylor Thomas is going to marry me so I can’t play hide the tea cup with you epidemic of 1994. You see Raul; your precious little flower will have no problem dumping you because she thinks some vampire is going to fly in at night and ravager her.

If you don’t want to see your girlfriend walking on the beach next to a sparkly douchebag you need to nip this in the bud quick fast in a hurry. My advice, get them to start playing Farmville, at least your only competition will be a little black sheep.

J.A. Cares Issue: Fat FAQ

 

Fat People Motivational Poster
Not pictured J.A. Laraque

The maintenance staff here at ObscureInternet world headquarters brought me a new desk chair. The old one had a… incident. It seems you cannot lean all the way back in the default office chairs while typing on your wireless keyboard and eating fish and chips, who would have known.

They tell me this chair will hold up to four hundred pounds, I guess it will have to do. This made me think about the plight of being overweight and so I began searching through my e-mails because I remember someone sending me a question about being fat.

After a long search and three cans of Red Bull, I found the e-mail.

Biff McCracken from Middleton Minnesota writes:

Dear J.A.,

I noticed you like to only show headshots of yourself and I didn’t even know you were fat like me until I found your facebook page. I have to ask, how do you feel fat people are treated? Here in Middleton most of us are overweight, its kind of like fat heaven. I never feel out of place and everyone, ever an avid World of Warcraft player as myself, can easier find a girlfriend. How about you, do you ever feel persecuted because of your weight?

My sister made me sign up on Facebook, she thought it would help me be more social. I told her I was anti-social and happy with that, but she didn’t listen. It disturbs me, Biff that you searched and found it, but since you did I will answer your questions.

P.S. You really did not need to include a photo of you and your “girlfriend” in your bathing suits. I guess you are trying to put me on a diet because I just lost my lunch. Thanks for that.

Disclaimer:

This might end up being a two part’er again. Glen says I’m pushing my luck with these multi-part posts, but he gave me admin rights so muhahahahaha!

Simple answer, yes. I have been discriminated against, persecuted and just made fun of for being fat and it is unfair. Then again it has helped fuel my contempt for society so it’s not all bad. Let me share with you a few things that piss me off about how you non-fatties view us thinly challenged.

Fat is not a ninja

Fat does not sneak up on you like a thief in the night. If you feel the need to point out the fat person in the crowd then I guarantee you they know they are fat. There is no such thing as a three hundred and fifty pound man who does not know they are fat, so please, for the love of God, stop coming up to us talking to us like we don’t know we are fat. We know!

I gave at the office

Do you hate things like, spam, telemarketers and Jehovah Witnesses? We fat people hate them too, so when you decide you want to sell us some weight loss pills, a gym membership or a fat free Christmas ham please, just keep it to yourselves.

Opposites do attract

While it is true that fat people gravitate to each other like two meteors in space this doesn’t mean we don’t sometimes end up with someone skinny. I personally prefer a woman with some meet on her bones. I mean I don’t want a toothpick because I break toothpicks and when I climb on top of a woman I want to be able to find her, but I digress.

Some fat guys get skinny women and sometimes they are hot. Don’t player hate. If it makes you feel better he most likely is very rich with a big house and car and she is using him. Maybe she is damaged in the head. Maybe she is a chubby chaser. Either way, just keep walking because she is with him and there is a reason. I mean your girl looks alright… in the right light.

You can’t spell limitations without limit

There are plenty of overweight individuals out there who are in better shape than you might think. This however does not mean that when you plan to go hiking in the Himalayas that you should call your friend who is on a ventilator.

I hate turning down an invitation, but there are some things I know as an overweight guy I just cannot do yet. This does not keep some of my friends from inviting me to events such as rock climbing and bungee cording. I figured either they are really stupid, they are trying to film me for YouTube fame or they are trying to kill me.

You don’t know fat

I know some of you like to point out fat people in the crowd to make fun of. Some of you think you are helping by approaching fat people and trying to give advice or sell us something. The problem is you don’t know anything about us. All fat is not created equal. There are many different reasons we are fat and many of us are in various states of transition.

You might see a fat person and consider him lazy, but for all you know he just lost fifty pounds. Remember, it takes years to lose weight if you were really big and as many of your virgins know, it takes time to reach your ultimate goals. In the meantime, keep your comments and advice to yourself and leave us alone.

Next on Fatscrimination

There more to talk about including some of the misconceptions people have regarding fat people and their lives. Here is a hint; we are just like you only bigger. In part two I will discuss such struggles for the fat person like, air plane seats, all-you-can-eat buffets and fat sex. Sit back, relax and have a bag of cheetos on me.

J.A. Cares Issue: The Wedding Planner II

bad-wedding-pictures-

You found yourself deep in the throes of passion and in a moment of weakness uttered the words; let’s get married. Perhaps you really wanted to get married, but if you are a man then it is clear you didn’t know what you were getting into. Now you stand inside that tiny little room ready to walk the longest ten feet in your life. You made it to the end right? All you have to do is remember the look in her eyes, pass her the ring and kiss her on the lips. If it was that nice and easy I wouldn’t be writing about it.

To church or not to church

Why is it that someone who hasn’t stepped inside a church since their parents dragged them there so long ago want to get married in one? Have you forgotten that most God’s are all seeing? This means when you were “earning” you’re A in English lit, God was watching. When you tried that one thing your boyfriend asked you to try, God was watching. When you had revenge sex with the entire lineup of your high school football team, God was watching.

You know the skeletons in your closest and dollar to donuts so do most of your friends and family, so why the show? I know if I walk into a church my skin will begin to boil, so, I stay out. But your bride to be will want to dress up in white and parade down the aisle like she is pure as the driven snow. At least we guys normally wear black. We know this is our funeral and we dress appropriately.

You’re not on the list

You know why I don’t go into debt during the holidays? It is because of two reasons. One, I’m very cheap and two, I only give gifts to people I see at least once a month. I never understood while people would run around spending thousands of dollars on gifts for people they not only don’t see very much, but in some cases don’t even like. This applies to the wedding list.

We all know weddings are for the bride, they make all the decisions, as the groom you are just decoration. However, this does not mean it is okay for her to invite Becky Myers from high school who stole her boyfriend during her freshmen year. Becky was hot at age sixteen, but now she is thirty-six, with five kids, two divorces under her belt and a weight problem. She has suffered enough, leave her alone.

By that same token your Aunt Grace who gave you your first bike and then disappeared to the Congo does not need an invitation. This isn’t a reunion show, money is being spent here and the way things are today it’s most likely yours. Keep in small. How many times have you had fun at a family reunion? How about that Christmas when the whole extended family flew down to Florida that sucked didn’t it? Having a bunch of people you never communicate with at your wedding is the same thing. Unless you want to start a feud between two halves of your family in which case go ahead and let me come and film it.

Lost in transition

Personally I found it funny when I would leave a church or wedding center to drive a long distance to the reception hall only to discover half the party got lost. For me, it was a chance for second and third helpings. For the bride, it was yet another opportunity to scream and cry.

You know my philosophy, people are stupid. If you actually want the people who sat through your boring drawn out wedding to make it to the food and drinks then either pick a reception hall close to where you tied the knot or better yet have it in the same place.

On the other hand, you could do the great fake out. First, make sure everyone already gave you the wedding gifts. Second print cards with the address for a reception. The key here is the reception is not yours. Then you and your bride take the money you would have spent on a reception and head out of the country. What do you do when they find out you tricked them and have to come home to a mob of mad people? I don’t know, but I’m sure you’ll figure it out.

They laugh and applauded because they are drunk

You know why they sell food and drinks at many comedy clubs? It is because they want to make money and they know people are less likely to show up to see open mic night if they can’t get hammered first. The same applies to your reception.

The reception is the reward everyone gets for sitting through your horrible wedding. No matter how much work you put into your vows, they sucked. No matter how nice the church or venue was, it sucked. No matter how liberal and quick the ceremony was, it was too long and it sucked. To make up for this you need a nice spread. You wanted a big wedding so don’t skimp on the food and drinks.

Personally, I am fashionably late to weddings, but I am always right on time for an open bar. That reminds me, every wedding must have an open bar. I don’t care if you and your bride are the most vegan, pure, water drinking terrorists, you provide the drinks for the suckers who R.S.V.P’d.

The same goes for the food. Spend the money people. Nothing sucks worse than cardboard chicken and stringy beef. I have no idea how you can pay so much for such bad food, but I have tasted the worst. Sometimes I think it would be better to hold your reception at an all-you-can-eat buffet than a reception hall. Either way, taste test the food and make sure the drinks are free with no limit. Yes, you will go broke, but that is the price you pay for inviting all these moochers who could care less about you.

The best exit is a quick one

So you survived the wedding, the drive to the reception hall, the meet and greet and the food and drink. Now the worst part of the reception is about to take place, the dancing. I don’t care what color you are, but out of one hundred people at a reception only four can dance. The rest of you people are only there to embarrass yourselves.

This is also the time where the wedding predators hit up the brides maids. There are a ton of little things going on, but none of them concern you or your bride. You put in your time and did what you felt was necessary, now it’s time to leave and hopefully get laid.

You pick the way you want to do it, but I like what I call, The Vanish. This is where you quietly walk out the back with the assistance of your best friend who remained loyal to you. Just go, nobody can get upset at you. After all you have a honeymoon to go to, or, you have to get to work to help pay for Uncle Ted’s sixteen rum and cokes.

Think of the dancing as a big diversion. Like a riot in a prison, you duck your head down and make your escape and never look back. Now it is just you and your bride and the bill. Have a happy life.

Oh, by the way, she’s pregnant.

J.A. Cares Issue: The Wedding Planner

bowling wedding

Summer is the time for blockbuster popcorn flicks, trips to the beach and hopefully BBQ’s that don’t suck. However, it is, unfortunately, also a prime time for some to get married.

This letter comes to us from Vincent Hayden from Chicago Illinois, he writes:

J.A…

First let me tell you I love my girlfriend. She is pretty, smart and very low on the crazy scale. We have been dating for four years now and about a year after she moved in with me she started talking about marriage. I smiled and brushed it off, but next thing I knew we were at her mother’s house and she was planning our wedding. I never proposed, but she said it’s okay, that proposing was old fashioned. I do want to be with her, but I don’t want to get married, I’m scared, help me!

-Vincent

I could help you, Vincent, but assisted suicide is illegal in Florida. I feel your pain. Nothing ruins a great relationship like the talk of marriage, that and the awful; “I’m pregnant.” My real advice for you is the same I gave my first prom date after I spent a hundred dollars on her and we were at inspiration point, close your eyes and it will be over quickly.

You just killed it

I understand the inbred notion of getting married. In the past it was the only way a woman could get ahead. I hate to admit it, but it is because of men that we have to get married. Back in the day men wanted to get married as soon as possible. It was like an achievement in World of Warcraft that you had to get. Once married you were set, you had a in home maid, babysitter and all you needed to do is go off to your ad agency job, smoke cigarettes, drink fine liquor and bang your mistress.

So today you have a strong, independent girlfriend. You have been good to her and she to you, then one day like a freak storm she blows in with the; “We need to talk.” Or worst yet, she just demands you propose.

Perhaps she believes marriage will strengthen the relationship. Have you ever seen acid strengthen anything? For most of us out there (those with balls) when you forced the issue of marrying you, you just splashed acid in our face and then you’re surprised when we turn into two-face.

Step aside son

Remember when you had that great idea at work, but you were brand new, a rookie, and nobody wanted to listen to you. Welcome back to those days. Not only did you not want to get married, but you have no say in how it is done. You might think this is a good thing since who wants to plan a wedding anyway, but when you have to show up dressed like Elvis and then get the bill, you will wish you had some input.

Women love to ask your opinion, but they don’t want you to give them your answer, they want you to give them theirs. I guess you are suppose to know them so well that you can read their mind and select what they want you to. This is where the filter comes in. You filter out everything she says and look at her eyes. They will tell you what answer you need to give, then give it and shut up, your job is done.

Quick isn’t always easy

You just finished a long boring day of antique shopping. Your girlfriend is feeling good and frisky. Nothing turns a woman on more than making her man go shopping in small cramp stores for hours on end. She feels she is doing you a favor, by giving you a quickie on the side of the road. The pants come down, but you forgot protection. She smiles telling you it will be quick, no harm can come. Nine months later you are standing on the ledge of a bridge with a box of condoms, crying, ready to jump.

The above story is a warning that quick isn’t always easy. You might not have wanted a wedding, but now that you are having one, do it right. Unless you are 1000% sure your wife to be wants a quickie (cheap) wedding, don’t do it. She may say a trip to city hall is spontaneous and romantic, but five years later during a random argument over leaving the toilet seat up she will stab you in the back with the fact that she never had a real wedding. Save yourself the added headache, do it right the first time.

Make them all suffer

If it wasn’t for your friend introducing you to your girl you would not be in this predicament. If it wasn’t for your parents raising you to be a gentleman you would have ran off to Argentina to find yourself a nice reporter. If it wasn’t for her friends you could have brainwashed your girl to your way of thinking. If it wasn’t for her parents being married for fifty years you could have talked your way out of marriage.

Make them all suffer along with you. The key is to get them to not only pony up money and gifts, but be part of the wedding. Call in all your favors and give everyone a wedding related job. Baby showers and home warming parties aren’t so you can meet and greet, it’s a trick to get free loot. See most men take to far a back seat and in that case the woman may not take advantage of the free help she could guilt out of people. This is your job sir, call everyone you know like you were in jail and needed bail. Misery loves company and after those vows are spoken you’re pretty much on your own.

I swear I will complete this one

The executives here at Obscure Internet world headquarters told me not to do any more multipart articles unless I was sure to finish them. In this case marriage is such a painful experience I cannot just cover it all in one article.

In part two we get down to the nitty-gritty. It’s time to do this thing and it will be horrible no matter how well you plan it. Sit back and enjoy the carnage and pray you booked a good honeymoon.

The Incredible Child-Nip

Catnip Cat

Hello ladies and gentlemen J.A. Laraque here to tell you about the incredible new product from Spore Co. called Child-Nip.

Friends, have you ever been at the movies on a Saturday night watching a great R-rated film only to have it ruined by some little punk who shouldn’t be there anyway? In the past their mistake in non or misuse of conception prevention was your loss as well, but not anymore.

This handy dandy little spray is no bigger than a can of mace and is your tiny answer to a large child problem. Just a twist of the cap and a press of your finger and little Timmy is off to la-la land for up to sixty, that’s right, sixty minutes.

Now I know you have questions. How does it work? What’s in it and is it legal? Let me answer those questions by telling you that our special spray release uses hidden ninja technology meaning that nobody will ever know what you did. Do not worry, the little terror will not be permanently harmed and the ingredients are all-natural and specifically designed to work only on minors fifteen and under.

Still not convinced, then listen to these testimonials.

Bob K. From Richmond, Virginia writes:

Before Child-Nip I could never go to a movie on opening night, but now I keep a can taped to my wrist for quick release action. I started a website to document how to use Child-Nip without anyone knowing. So far I have Nipped over three hundred and twenty-eight kids. Thanks, Child-Nip.

Child-Nip is also available for parents.

Carol F. From Chicago, Illinois writes:

They say that because you spent the night with the starting lineup for the Chicago Bulls that you deserve what you get, but thanks to Child-Nip the pain is soothed like when I drink or smoke or cut myself. I upgraded to Child-Nips time-release system which you can mount in any room in your house. When the horrors of my drunken mistake get out of hand I send them to the night-night room and give myself an hour break.

Yes friends, Child-Nip is your little miracle to take care of those little bundles of joy. How much would you pay for that? Call in the next thirty minutes and we will double your order and add the time-release kit for no extra charge. So call now and remember: if you get caught, you don’t know us.

J.A. Cares: Whats the Matter with Kids

With the re-launch of the Obscure Internet website and the fact that management told me I would not be getting a raise this year. I with all my heart and dedication to my craft present the adoring public with yet another J.A. Cares.

Tilley McNeal from Ainsworth, Nebraska writes:

I have come across your words after discovering THE INTERNETS and this thing called THE GOOGLE. Using THE GOOGLE I have found many disturbing things. I was prepared for the pornography and the hate speech, we get that in Ainsworth all the time, but what I was not prepared for was the children.

It was not just what comes out of the mouths of children, but what they subject themselves to and participate in. How long has this been going on? We have kids with pants hanging off them, tattoos on little girls and buying beer and cigarettes over THE INTERNETS?

Won’t somebody please think of the children!

I don’t know what exactly you want me to tell you Maude Flanders, but first let me inform you it is called the INTERNET, not, the INTERNETS, and it is GOOGLE, not, THE GOOGLE. This will help keep THE HACKERS from stealing YOUR MEGAHERTZ.

As a side note, it is GIGABYTE as in with a G not a J, it is not JIGABYTE people. Jay Z had nothing to do with this.  With that said on to the children.

Exploring what exactly?

Please take note of this photo. dora1.jpg For anyone who doesn’t know is Dora the Explorer. She is a cute little girl who explores and helps people with her pet monkey, Boots and the reoccurring antagonist, Swiper the Fox.  It was all in good fun which meant most people did not care about it.

As with most things there has to be a revamp and with that comes Dora 2 Dora Electric Boogaloo. Now personally I don’t see a big deal, but she is being upped to age sixteen and moving to the city.

People are calling her Dora the Whorer now because they believe giving her a sexier look and moving to the big city with a monkey is… well, maybe they are onto something. I wonder what she will be exploring in the city. Perhaps she can help lost hookers and Boots can become a pimp? I have to wonder what Swiper will be swiping now, purses, cars, virginities.

Honestly, I think people are just going overboard as they always do. However, I guess I can understand being a bit paranoid about their children considering how they can find so many ways to find inappropriate stimulation. This brings us to:

The Broom they didn’t want her to use:

Like crack Harry Potter and all things having to do with the franchise is very addictive to children and young teens. There are tons of merchandise to buy from ear wax candy to tons of books that makes this writer very jealous. There is one toy however that ended up keeping more kids in their room by themselves than World of Warcraft.

I present: The Nimbus 2000 – nimbus.jpg It is not bad enough that the name was stolen from The Jetsons, but this broom which is used in the books and the movies ended up causing a ton of controversy with parents all around the globe.

Let me just give you the description of this toy for kids.

Kids can now “fly” a Nimbus 2000 broomstick just like the members of their favorite Quidditch team. A replica of the broom Harry uses in the movie Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, the Nimbus 2000 features a grooved stick and handle for easy riding. Enhancing the excitement are the vibrating effects and magical swooping and whooshing sounds the broom makes when on. Sounds can also be activated when the switch is set in standby mode. Requires three AA batteries

Now before we continue let’s look at some of the reviews on the product:

My 12 year old daughter is a big Harry Potter fan, and loved the part with the Nimbus 2000, so I decided to buy her this toy. I was afraid she would think it was too babyish, but she LOVES this toy. Even my daughter’s friends enjoy playing with this fun toy. I was surprised at how long they can just sit in her room and play with this magic broomstick! A great buy for any Harry Potter fan! 🙂

So what we have here is a broom that girls seem to like more than boys, even older girls like it. Now why do you think that was? Could it possibly be the VIBRATING ACTION? It did not take long for one parent to catch on:

This toy was #1 on my daughter’s Christmas list. So what the heck, although it has no educational value I figured it would be good for imaginative play. It wasn’t until after she opened her gift and started playing with it that I realized that the toy may offer a more than sensational experience. The broomstick has cute sound effects and ***VIBRATES*** when they put it between their legs to fly. Come on—what were the creators of this toy thinking? She’ll keep playing with the Nimbus 2000, but with the batteries removed.

Taking out the batteries on the Nimbus 2000 is like allowing your boyfriend to bring another girl into the bedroom but he does not get to touch her. By I digress.

What does all this mean?

Remember in Jurassic Park when they said, nature will find a way? Well, kids will find a way to do whatever the hell they want to. I say just don’t have them, but then again I hate the world. I mean they created all kinds of excuses for horrible children from A.D.D. to A.D.H.D to authoritative disorder and restless leg syndrome.

When I was a kid it was called acting up and the cure was a smack to the back of the head, but now that’s abuse and so the terrorists have won. Kids shop at stores called Flirt and get tramp stamps at age thirteen and you wonder why the world is going to end in 2012?

I take a line from the movie Armageddon and will say, embrace the horror and if you can, avoid the most deadly STD in human history, K.I.D.S.

J.A. Cares: MySpace Angles

MySpace Angles Motivational Poster

It is 2009; we have a black president, a black head of the RNC and a black attorney general. If you did not know this, these three things are the signs of the apocalypse and our end will come soon (2012), but before that time comes, I, your black internet physiatrist, J.A. Laraque am here to care and continue helping the fans of Obscure Internet with any and all issues.

Kandy Preston from Chicago Illinois writes:

Dear J.A.,

My name is Kandy and even though my name sounds sweet finding a date has left me with a sour taste in my mouth. This is my problem. I don’t like to get out so I do my dating online. I try not to be superficial, but I have run into too many men who take pictures of themselves using MySpace angles.

In case you don’t know what a MySpace angle is, it is when you take a picture to hide your fat and ugly. My question to you is why people can’t be honest about their body and their looks. It’s bad enough you don’t know much about people you meet online besides their picture and now their pictures are not a true representation of themselves.

J.A. can you tell me how wide spread this is? Are all these pictures doctored? Is there any truth on the internet?

First let me just say that most girls I know named Kandy are either hookers or really, really….large. Anyway, to answer your question, no, there is no truth on the internet. The internet, like the cake, is a lie.

I myself was unaware of MySpace angles until setup on a date. I learned that the camera can be used to deceive, not only others, but the opinions of the people in the picture. You can take enough of these pictures to where you look at them and think you look good, but you would be sadly mistaken.

Personally, I have seen people make a dating profile using an old picture and truly it sucks especially when it is clearly an old picture. When you see one of those old Motorola brick phone in the background and you are not in some cell phone museum it’s time to update those pictures.

Also, I have come across people whose main profile picture is a head shot but their additional pictures show the body. It’s not quite bait and switch, but I figure it’s best to just let people know what you look like up front. Perhaps these people feel happy that someone clicked on their profile even if only to be shocked when they look at their additional pictures. It’s like that website that tells you to stare at a blank screen then it plays a loud scream scaring the crap out of you.

I wish I had some good news for you Kandy but alas I do not. The internet is full of fail and honestly if you are searching it looking for a date then most likely you are also full of fail. The best thing to do is look at yourself in the mirror, preferably naked. If you feel like you are about to vomit then you should not be concerned about MySpace angles since you are in fact one yourself.

However, if you are hot, for god sakes get off the internet and hit the bar like the rest of humanity. See in the bar there are MySpace angles too, the difference is these angles hide things like financial debt, lack of an education and personality and their STD’s

Have fun!

P.S. I just realized your name is Kandy and you said sour taste in your mouth. I had a great joke to use, but Obama told me to be nice.

The Definition of Appreciation

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Whether being bombarded by magazines flashing article or if you are unlucky enough to turn on your television during the day time, you will always hear the same advice on sustaining a meaningful relationship.

Communication is the key to show her your appreciation. While this breakthrough in advice is definitely compelling, what one has to ask oneself is what exactly the definition of appreciation is.

Let us take a look behind the curtain at one couples quandary. A loving married couple is approaching their joyous first anniversary. The husband, while a kind, responsible and patient man, does not believe in the mandatory requirements and rules when dealing with celebratory events. Simply put, his belief is: why wait for a specific date to celebrate something when you should be celebrating it every day.

The wife, who is self-sufficient, highly intelligent and confrontational, did not agree. Her view was that these events were about the sentiment and specifically when concerning an anniversary; it was a day to reflect on your love and appreciation for one another.

Counterpoint husband, for him every day was a day for reflection. Just as a true religious person does not only visit his or hers place of worship on Christmas or Easter; true love is not something you revisit only on anniversaries and holidays; it is there twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week and three hundred and sixty five days a year.

I sat quietly in anticipation, like a teen boy watching his sexy neighbor undress from his bedroom window. The wife’s retort was less than stellar. In her view you can love someone with all your heart, but that does not mean on special days you cannot go the extra mile. In her opinion, giving gifts along with a romantic gesture showed appreciation.

The husband’s final attack was in saying that material gifts could never replace the gift one has when there are with the one they love. When you have food in your belly, a roof over your head and a warm body to sleep next to, those are the best gifts you could ever have. She ended (and won) the debate by saying that if that is the case then sex should be limited to when both parties are ready and willing to perform. This drew a silence from the room and just like when your sexy neighbor closed the blinds the show was over.

Here’s my take. You want to talk about appreciation, fine. Remember that time you came home from and you were madder at the world than a teen emo band? When I asked what was wrong you gave me an evil look and the silent treatment. Later that afternoon when I figured I must have done something wrong and like a mobster in church, confessed and apologized for everything I could have possible done, it only increased you hormone-induced rage.

Finally, when I ask what the issue was, you became even more upset because I should have known what was wrong. Then late at night after being around an active volcano all evening you finally start talking about some co-worker of yours named Cindy.

You tell me a story I don’t understand, and when you are done you have this look on your face like all has been revealed and I should now be as angry as you are. After noticing the blank look on my face you get angry again, telling me that I should have remembered the first story about Cindy you told me over six months ago when you came home all upset and this was part two of the never-ending saga.

At that moment in time, after realizing that all this anger was over some co-workers life that you have absolutely no involvement in I wanted to just get out of bed, grab my coat and head off to Las Vegas, but instead I kissed you and went to bed.

That is the definition of appreciation, in that I understand that you are insane, but even as crazy as you are I am grateful to have you and you are a part of my life (like that crazy uncle I have) and because of that I love you as you are and most importantly, I put up with all your crap.

The Black Friday Report

Black Friday

Your roving reporter J.A. Laraque has traveled across Miami, Florida to bring you this exclusive report on the phenomena known as Black Friday. For those of you who do not know what black Friday is, it is the day that everyone becomes a crazed early morning shopper, hunting for those earth shattering deals.

Ever laugh at the women who wake up at five in the morning to go shopping for a bed in a bag? When driving home from the bar and you see a line of pasty white, overweight teenagers camped outside of the video game store, do you laugh? If you said yes and believe this behavior is localized to those subspecies then you are wrong.

Have you even been to someone’s home who you know has an awful job and yet has an awesome fifty-one inch HDTV? Chances are if they did not steal it, they got it on black Friday. These bargain hunters will camp outside your local electronics store for up to ten hours to get that television half off. Normal men who would never be caught in a mall will load up their truck with beer and head out ready to do battle to get in, get the deal and get out.

Obscure-Internet asked me to report on this after Thanksgiving tradition, so, I went undercover and what I found was both mind numbing and sad.

I decided to go to a Best Buy. It is a super-chain electronics store. The store was not to open until six in the morning and I foolishly believed I could show up at five. I was horribly mistaken. The line was around the building twice. Stranger yet, I noticed everyone in line was extremely ugly. I had to assume for the sake of humanity that this was due to the ingestion of turkey coupled with the small amount of beauty sleep.

It was a cold morning, well cold for Miami. I expected to find mostly college kids and men over thirty-five who pretend they are twenty-five. What I found were people from every walk of life, but what saddened me the most (besides the ugly) was the number of mother’s there with their babies in the strollers.

I soon discovered that lack of sleep plus standing in line with strangers equals high tensions. There were several police cars parked in front of the store as several fights broke out. They were not bar fights, they were more like two nerds fighting over which anime was better. There were a lot of wild swings and breaks for these out of shape ultimate fighters to catch their breaths.

Black Friday participants have their own codes and ethics. One code I learned was that you do not cut in line and you do not hold spots for your friends. A young man, who I assumed was new to the Black Friday world, was kicked in the nuts when he tried to cut in front of a teenage girl. They called his punishment, the cunt punt, even though the young lady was actually very nice.

Best Buy had a ticket system. As they only had select products on special, there was a limit. They decided to hand out tickets with the name of the product, so, if you wanted that HDTV, you would get an HDTV ticket so you would not get beaten out by someone who is faster at running though the store. The biggest fight of the night occurred when it was discovered that the Best Buy representative was handing out fake tickets. He would tell people he had one left and make people bid for it. He made quite a few hundred dollars until someone figured it out. I saw him disappear in a sea of angry people and never heard from him again.

Once the doors finally opened the madness continued as hundreds of people poured into the store. It was a fire marshals nightmare as the store was completely packed. This would be a gropers dream except most of the boobs were on the men. I then realized why the mother’s brought their children in the strollers. The combination of kids and strollers made a great battering ram. They would use them to plow their way to what they wanted and when they slammed into you, all you could do was turn around, see the baby and then walk away depressed.

Many people also used their kids to try and get around the one per person per item rule. The cashier was not fooled as she knew an eight year old would not be able to purchase, much less carry, a forty-five inch HDTV.

All in all it was a sad night of people proving that when the zombie apocalypse comes we will need to trim a lot of fat from the human population before we rebuild our society. However, I did purchase a Nintendo Wii for fifty bucks. I do not plan to play it, just video tape myself beating it to death with a bat Office Space style.

I hate the Wii!

This is J.A. Laraque, reporting for Obscure-Internet news.

Dear Dish Network

dish-tv-network

Dear Dish Network,

Hello. I am not a customer nor do I ever plan to be. Do you want to know why? It is not because your channel lineup sucks and you have less HD channels than local television, it is because of the event I am about to describe.

August 12th – I was sitting down for my weekday dinner which consists of a quarter cup of white rice and two turkey sausages (I am poor and on a diet). My plan was to spend the rest of the night watching television falling asleep to the sweet, sweet sound of Keith Olbermann’s voice. Just as I was taking the first of many unsatisfying bites there was a loud pounding at my door. At first being an African-American, I believed the pounding was the police at my door, but then I realized they would not have bothered to knock.

Setting my bowl to the side I opened the door and a man began speaking to me in Spanish (I live in Miami Florida). I stare at him hoping to scare him away but it does not work. He then began speaking in horribly broken English asking me if I have satellite service. Now while it was getting dark my apartment has a small patio with bright lights shining on a very large dish. You would have to be blind and stupid not to see it. Again I stare at the man bewildered taking a moment to point my eyes towards the dish; he still did not get the hint.

I tell the man I have Direct TV, the best in satellite service, and was about to close the door when he asks am I happy. Am I happy? Let’s see, I am on a diet that sucks ass, I work out everyday just to lose half a pound a week, I have no girlfriend, and my career is going nowhere. So now on a Friday night when I should be out getting tail I am sitting home alone in my shoe box apartment eating bland food only to be interrupted by a man just off the banana-boat asking me if I am happy. I told the man I was very happy.

He proceeded to try to explain to me that he could offer me a better deal. Now maybe I would have listened but my awful food was getting cold plus the mosquitoes were getting in. I told the man I have a ten year contract with Direct TV and if I try to leave they will cut my balls off. I smiled and closed the door and immediately went crying to my bedroom.

About a week later I see my next door neighbor is having a satellite dish put in. I also see the same man installing it. This would not have been an issue except he was installing it on my patio fence. Now I could have complained but I like my neighbors to the extent that if someone was trying to kill me I would hope they would at least dial 911. Because of this I kept quiet and accepted the dish trespassing.

A few hours later I left for the weekend as a storm was coming and I am deathly afraid of rain and lighting. When I returned Monday I found that my satellite service was off. The receiver kept saying searching for a satellite signal. I went and looked at the dish and the wires and found nothing though I admit I wasn’t sure what to look for. Then I called Direct TV and they told me that due to the storm they could not get anyone to me until September 26th. That was over a month later.

Needless to say I was livid. I yelled and screamed and cursed and then unmated the phone because the lady thought I hung up. I begged and pleaded and cried and in the end they told me to suck it up and take it. Now I was about to cancel because I can’t go a day without watching the liberal media and considered calling Dish Network, but then Direct TV offered me three free months of service and a free HDDVR. While deciding what to do I also found out you can watch Countdown on the MSNBC website. It was decided; I would tuff it out and wait until the end of the next month.

Fast forward to September 26th, it was hard and boring but I was able to make it and now I was hours away from having my television back. So the Direct TV guy comes and he speaks great English and goes to work on installing my HDDVR. Then he comes in with a weird look on his face and what he asks me changed my life forever.

“Did you have a Dish Network guy come around here recently?”

The question didn’t make sense. Why would he ask that? I told him yes and asked him why. He smiled and motioned for me to follow him out the door. He then pointed out to me that the cable from my dish to my receiver was cut and it wasn’t an accident. It was high up on the fence and it was cut in a way that unless I physically pulled the wire I would not know it was cut. This was done by an evil, evil godless man who wanted nothing more than to destroy my life.

The Direct TV man told me that this happens sometimes. The Dish Network or Cable guys will come by and offer their services and if you turn them down sabotage your system. He told me to be on the lookout and gave me his personal number to call if it happened again. I would have kissed him if he didn’t look like he would punch me in the face if I did so. I shook his hand and thanked him and ran inside to my bedroom to cry.

Now I am sitting here writing this letter to you to say I hope you die in a fire and then continue burning in that fire once you reach hell. While I got to see my lovely Keith Olbermann on my computer there is no substitute to my 51 inch screen. I feel as if you took a month of my life away and I want it back. I am not sure what to ask for but I would accept the thumbs of the man who did this to me. What will I do if you don’t comply? Nothing, I am too much of a bitch to do anything but write letters during my lunch time at work. I just want you to know you have made a grown man cry…more often than I normally do. You have hurt me more than my prom date that ended up making out with the school janitor. I want you to know I signed a lifetime contract with Direct TV and will tell all my imaginary friends never to order from your company.

Lord Obama will smite you

Fictitiously yours,

J.A. Laraque

Barack Madonna

obama-demotivational-poster

The presidential race can now be summarized like this: Barack Obama is the teenaged rocker jamming to some tune in his apartment and John McCain is the old man who lives below him pounding his cane against the ceiling screaming ‘Turn that damned music down.’

One would think the McCain campaign would be trying everything it could to keep the focus off of the world-wide positive reception that Obama has received, but nope, they decided to release a campaign ad comparing Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.

The idea was to say that even though Obama can have two hundred thousand people cheering for him and waving American flags in Germany, he is not ready to lead. On the other hand, McCain would lead us across borders that are non-existent, countries that are no longer countries or to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Obama’s response was to challenge him to a duel citing possible linage to Wild Bill Hickock and saying he has a ‘quick draw.’ Rap artist and celebrity Ludacris had this to say:

You never should’ve doubted him
With a slot in the president’s iPod Obama shattered ’em
Said I handled his biz and I’m one of his favorite rappers
Well give Luda a special pardon if I’m ever in the slammer
Better yet put him in office, make me your vice president
Hillary hated on you, so that bitch is irrelevant

Unfortunately his response has only made things worse. Most Americans are not falling for the attack ad. The common thought is until Obama is seen around the campaign trail with a Chihuahua, has a night-vision sex-tape released, runs over a photographer’s foot and is caught without underwear, he is not in the same category as those two.

Response from the two celebrities featured in the ad came pretty quickly after its release. A rep for Miss Hilton said, “Miss Hilton was not asked, nor did she give permission for the use of her likeness in the ad and has no further comment.” The dirt is that her billionaire daddy and renown McCain contributor was pissed about the ad. We would have brought you a response from Miss Hilton herself, but she was too busy trying to sell us something.

As for the Spears people, their response pretty much conveyed how most of us felt. Their statement was, “Why would we want to get Britney Spears involved in presidential politics?” I agree that would be like asking a bunch of random people with no talent to audition on television to become America’s next pop icon. I mean, who would want that? K-Fed had a comment on the subject as well, but honestly, we just did not care what he had to say.

If you must, you can see the video below.

Viagra Moments

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First of all let me be honest, I hate erectile dysfunction commercials almost as much as I hate the The View. Watching a good television show only to be interrupted by some guy talking about how he can’t please his gracefully maturing wife is as disturbing as over hearing your parent’s having sex.
I’m thirty two years old and perhaps one day I will be walking into my doctor’s office with a ski mask on begging for some penile-poppers jonesing like that women in Menace to Society, but that is not why I dislike them.

First off there is the names and logo’s they come up with. Yes, Viagra sounds normal to us now, but let’s look at Clalis, it’s name and logo had me believing it was a new juice product from the makers of Sunny Delight. Then there are those commercials.

Watcha looking at?

Eyes meeting across the room, what could be more romantic? Well, if you wouldn’t have failed that eye exam last week maybe she would have believed your look was a call for sex and not gas from last night’s dinner. Besides, you barely talk anymore; you have been sitting in that dusty plastic covered living room reading the same damn book for fifty years and now because of a drug-induced stiffy your fiery passions burn again? Right.

Interrupted what?

So, now the pills are fast-acting and long-lasting. There are a ton of problems here. You claim you and your misses were about to play find-the-clam when your college-edition Girls Gone Wild daughter comes home and interrupts you. Lying is bad; every time you lie George Bush kills ten kittens. The truth is that for fifteen years you have been planning sex dates and eighty percent of the time you (meaning your penis) fails to show. Now your wife just watches Sex in the City instead. All of sudden you find a chemical miracle and now your daughter is interrupting you. Oh, I forgot, it’s a pleasant interruption. Long lasting huh? How do you think your daughter will feel when she feels your long-lasting when you give her a welcome home hug?

Where did you find those?

You planned a romantic weekend at your secluded cabin overlooking the beach. To be safe you have two boxes of pills because you figure even if your heart can’t take it your ‘Johnson’ can. There will be no interruptions, pleasant or otherwise. First let’s take a look at that romantic sunset, on the porch, overlooking the lake, in our twin metal personal tubs! Something is wrong with this picture. I guess holding hands from your personal bed pans sounds romantic to someone. I just wish you would be struck by lightning.

Burning Wood

Nothing says please have sex with me better than two senile people attempting to cook over a gas stove. I guess the smell of burning flesh reminds you of her legs rubbing together or something. Oh look, you found out you can pull that little spray thing from off the sink and wet each other. It will be the only wetness going on that night, pill or no pill. How about using the water to put out the fire burning up your table cloth?

And the Barney award goes to….

I’ve been told the saddest sight is seeing a group of teenage boys playing live action dungeons and dragons in public on a Saturday night. If that is so then the next saddest sight is six middle aged men taking a pretty good song and turning it into a ballad about their inability to get one up.

I though having Fred Astaire dancing for vacuums was bad, but this just makes me cry inside. I can see your wife opening the garage door now and instead of finding you cleaning it out as you were told to, she finds a bunch of your friends singing about your deflated pecker and there is no liquor in sight. Now ask yourselves, do you really deserve sex?

Just use Tivo

Believe me. I understand that we all can have a problem performing. Some of my readers right now have a problem performing in bed and they are in their mid twenties. All I ask for is a channel where you can go if you really need to see a commercial telling you that at ninety you can still pound one out. On that channel we can have all those ads running twenty four hours a day. We can toss all the tampon and time-of-the-month commercials on there, too. I bet it will get higher ratings than Lifetime.