Tales of a driver: Pompous bitches & Panhandlers

Wrong, this guy gets all loud says “How you gonna give me one spoon of cheese dog?” I told the guy I would get him next time. “They getting to you aren’t they man?” He asks “You use to hook it up good now I get a spoon of cheese what can I do with that feed my rat?”

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J.A. Cares: Trial Addiction

Listen Jane, you need to just hack your sister’s television and show here a Law and Order episode. I mean I thought all trials lasted ten minutes max until I was arrested myself. Man I was pissed, I kept waiting for the commercial break so I could get the hell out of there and it never came.

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Tales of a Driver: The two Mr. Walkers

The man ran out at me. “Not so loud, the neighbors complain about everything.” His eyes were darting all over the place. “Look kid I am a bit short, I have fifty bucks take it and I will get you next time” There was no way I was going to accept that. “Sir, I can’t do that I need at least the full cost of the ribs even if you can’t tip me” the man got mad. “Well what if I can’t pay then?” I smiled at him. “Then I dial 911 on my cell phone” “I’m kidding, just give me a sec” the man said. I wasn’t leaving without my money so I sat on the steps when a cab pulled up to the apartment. Three men and two women got out the car and stared right at me.

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Tales of a Driver: The Complex from Hell

One afternoon I delivered a pizza to an apartment there and the next door neighbor tried to out bid him for the pizza. Later I found out the two hate each other and the neighbor just wanted to make the other one re-order. That place had fights, sex and drugs and it smelled in the hallways.

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Tales of a Driver: Social Security

The war?! Wait a sec how old is this lady? She then told me that when she moved to Chicago she joined a swingers club and it was fun at first but was a bit to public for her likes. She then started her own “club” with a few select members. She told me she has been doing this for twelve years. I didn’t even realize we had drunk the whole bottle of wine and finished the pizza. “Do you want to see some pictures” she asked. Then lead me to her bedroom. She showed me pictures of her with all types of different guys and locations, this lady was well traveled.

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Tales of a Driver: I’m not the only one who delivers

Maggie’s friends went over to the other women in the living room it didn’t take long until they were getting into it. Come with me young man I have my purse in the room” Maggie called to me. I walked into what I guess was a spare bedroom; Maggie took a hundred dollar bill out of her bag. “Have you ever seen this before” I smiled “Sure lady all the…” she then opened her robe to reveal herself. “I’ve seen that to…

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Tales of a Driver: Half the pizza double the tip

“You insensitive prick, this is why I am leaving you, this young man does not need to be involved in this, and besides my toppings are good for you. However Jim (Jim is the husbands name) you are right this young man looks strong and I better he’s “big” as well unlike some “unnaturally small” people I know.

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Tales of a driver: The Tailors Tip

About three days later, he invited me over again, this time it was just him. Boy his house was nice he had big screen TVs in every room and CD jukebox, pool and everything. He told me he was sorry none of the pictures went to print but said I looked great in the outfits.

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Tales of a Driver: The Pompous Bitch

I was to busy for this shit, I told her we are very busy and if you want I will give you double veggies on your burger but that’s it. She then asked for the manager, great call because the manager and I were friends and love to play jokes.

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J.A. Cares: Love burns like the clap

So at this point, my head explodes so I don’t talk to her for a few days. Then I call her but her phone is disconnected. I go to her MySpace page and she wrote a post saying she lost her job, got kicked out of school and her mom kicked her out, all in the same day.

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J.A. Cares: The Banned Bachelor

Unemployment is just too much fun which is why there hasn’t been a new post since like forever. However, as the e-mail inbox continues to stack up (all spam) it’s time to get back to work. Since we are in wedding season I decided to try and help (ridicule) someone who is having a problem with a bachelor partyMen have lost the middle ground. We seem to have two levels now, complete pussy and raging abusive asshat. There has to be a middle ground where we make our opinions clear and stand up for what we want. You must search for your balls and even if you find them in her heart shaped box you can still reattach them. If you don’t do this now you will end up hating yourself and her in the end. On the flipside, don’t be a hypocrite. If she wants to go to Chippendales or whatever then you can’t turn all emo on her. Communication is key, you can do it now or when your divorce lawyers meet, the choice is yours.

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J.A. Cares: HappyWorkers

We know War-mart is evil, but how evil are they. First of all, the old lady in the front of the store, she is not an old lady. She was Becky, a fifteen year old freshman fromValley High, but she mistakenly flipped the bird to one of those smiley faces they have all over the store. What Becky didn’t know what that those smiley faces transmit data to Satan in hell and then back up to the Wal-mart mother-ship in orbit.

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J.A. Cares Issue: The Vampire Diaries

Have you ever seen the Twilight convention photos? I haven’t seen that many portly women since the great Sara Lee baked goods give-a-way of 2006. It’s like a World of Warcraft convention with plus sized females. There is a sea of pale white high fructose corn syrup enhanced women and then the one ninety-eight pound male emo twat that they surround like hyenas circling a carcass.

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J.A. Cares Issue: Fat FAQ

You might see a fat person and consider him lazy, but for all you know he just lost fifty pounds. Remember, it takes years to lose weight if you were really big and as many of your virgins know, it takes time to reach your ultimate goals. In the meantime, keep your comments and advice to yourself and leave us alone.

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J.A. Cares Issue: The Wedding Planner II

The same goes for the food. Spend the money people. Nothing sucks worse than cardboard chicken and stringy beef. I have no idea how you can pay so much for such bad food, but I have tasted the worst. Sometimes I think it would be better to hold your reception at an all-you-can-eat buffet than a reception hall. Either way, taste test the food and make sure the drinks are free with no limit. Yes, you will go broke, but that is the price you pay for inviting all these moochers who could care less about you.

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