Tales of a Driver: Half the pizza double the tip

If you deliver long enough you can see a lot of weird things, keep in mind the delivery driver is a curious person and they will take notice of things happening in your household.

In my travels, I have noticed that people treat the delivery guy like the room service guy and will do anything in front of them. I have had people answer the door naked, get in fights, have sex, beat their kids, do drugs all in front of me while waiting to get paid for the food.

One Tuesday night I made a delivery to a couple in a nice high rise on the lakefront of Chicago. When I walked up to the door I heard yelling, as I knocked on the door right away a lady opened the door.

“I hope you got my half of the pizza right young man because I tip big for great service unlike Mr. pinch a penny over there” I just stood there puzzled. “The only reason you are so generous with money is because it is mine” said the husband.

I didn’t want to be here any longer so I stepped in. I have a large pizza here half bacon and ground beef half chicken and broccoli. The man smiled and looked at me. “You’re a strong looking young man, tell me, would you really eat broccoli on pizza? Its unnatural like my wife’s weird shaped forehead.

I tried not to make any movements or gestures. “You insensitive prick, this is why I am leaving you, this young man does not need to be involved in this, and besides my toppings are good for you. However Jim (Jim is the husbands name) you are right this young man looks strong and I better he’s “big” as well unlike some “unnaturally small” people I know.

I almost lost it on that one, I felt I needed to stop this and get paid so I chimed in. “I think this pizza as a whole is great it gives two different people two distinctive tastes that you both can enjoy.”

“He sounds like our marriage consoler,” the wife said. Before the husband could speak I shouted out. $14.82! “Uh I mean the charge is 14.82” “7.41” Jim called out. “As I make all the money around here I know how much things cost, here you go young man” He handed me ten bucks.

“A two dollar tip, figures” said the wife “2.59, since that’s about how much you will be making an hour once I’m gone you should get your amounts straight” Jim scoffed.

The wife smiled and handed me a twenty. “Keep the change young man, just as half this pizza is mine so will half of all your shit be Jim!” The two started yelling again as I used ninja vanish to get to the elevator.

 

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