J.A. Cares: The Banned Bachelor

Unemployment is just too much fun which is why there hasn’t been a new post since like forever. However, as the e-mail inbox continues to stack up (all spam) it’s time to get back to work. Since we are in wedding season I decided to try and help (ridicule) someone who is having a problem with a bachelor party.

Laramie Piton from Tea Party, Texas writes:

I’m going to be married soon and my best man wants to throw me and awesome bachelor party, but my girl is insanely jealous and doesn’t want me to have one without her. Isn’t the point to have one last big fun party before you tie the knot? It’s not like I want to cheat or do anything to piss her off, I just want to have a party with my boys. Is that too much to ask? What should I do J.A.?

How many times do I have to tell you? Marriage is like buying an American car, it’s been drilled into you that you should do it, but it sucks and you will regret it in the end. I guess it is too late for that advice, you are getting married, but let’s address what we can shall we?

If you feel jealous something is wrong with YOU?

Why won’t women get that men have to look at other women. First of all it is like the sun is to Superman, it gives us strength and though some men will fly toward it most of us know it’s best to observe from a distance. Every time you flip out on your man over looking it is more likely he will start touching.

Second we look for several reasons, but a few of the top reasons are because:

1. She has something you don’t
2. She’s doing something you won’t
3. She’s breathing

Number three you can’t help, but if your man likes looking at a firm body then maybe you should firm up. However, this goes both ways guys. If you are looking at a firm body and you are a bowl of jello then you are just window shopping, which is fine, just realize you can’t afford what you are looking at.

The road to failure

Simply put, if your girlfriend is going crazy over a bachelor party then you have a long hard road ahead of you. First off, the bachelor party is a time honored tradition. Honestly it is kind of stupid because you are almost admitting marriage sucks the life out of you which is why you have to enjoy one last night out as if you are going to jail or something.

If younger women dancing around you and causing you embarrassment and a mild erection burns her up inside that much then you have a drama queen on your hand. Symptoms of a drama queen include:

1. Thinking everything is about her
2. Keeping you from doing things then doing it herself
3. Crying over stupid shit
4. Whining and complaining a lot
5. Playing the victim
6. Unrealistic expectations

The last one is killer because in her mind she has already mapped out everything and you will fail to live up to it. This starts with denying you a bachelor party and next thing you know you are having a scientology wedding with a Tom Cruise look-a-like as your minister.

Ball searching

Men have lost the middle ground. We seem to have two levels now, complete pussy and raging abusive asshat. There has to be a middle ground where we make our opinions clear and stand up for what we want. You must search for your balls and even if you find them in her heart shaped box you can still reattach them. If you don’t do this now you will end up hating yourself and her in the end.

On the flipside, don’t be a hypocrite. If she wants to go to Chippendales or whatever then you can’t turn all emo on her. Communication is key, you can do it now or when your divorce lawyers meet, the choice is yours.

Still on Vacation

I hope to help more of you saps, but until Obama kicks me out of his house I’m going to continue chillaxing in his basement. Keep the e-mails coming, I’ll be back in another six months.

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