J.A. Laraque – Page 40 – Obsolete Gamer

Make them all suffer along with you. The key is to get them to not only pony up money and gifts, but be part of the wedding. Call in all your favors and give everyone a wedding related job. Baby showers and home warming parties aren’t so you can meet and greet, it’s a trick to get free loot. See most men take to far a back seat and in that case the woman may not take advantage of the free help she could guilt out of people. This is your job sir, call everyone you know like you were in jail and needed bail. Misery loves company and after those vows are spoken you’re pretty much on your own.

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The Incredible Child-Nip

Now I know you have questions. How does it work? What’s in it and is it legal? Let me answer those questions by telling you that our special spray release uses hidden ninja technology meaning that nobody will ever know what you did. Do not worry, the little terror will not be permanently harmed and the ingredients are all-natural and specifically designed to work only on minors fifteen and under.

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J.A. Cares: Whats the Matter with Kids

People are calling her Dora the Whorer now because they believe giving her a sexier look and moving to the big city with a monkey is… well, maybe they are onto something. I wonder what she will be exploring in the city. Perhaps she can help lost hookers and Boots can become a pimp? I have to wonder what Swiper will be swiping now, purses, cars, virginities.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Cares: MySpace Angles

It is 2009; we have a black president, a black head of the RNC and a black attorney general. If you did not know this, these three things are the signs of the apocalypse and our end will come soon (2012).

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The Definition of Appreciation

The husband’s final attack was in saying that material gifts could never replace the gift one has when there are with the one they love. When you have food in your belly, a roof over your head and a warm body to sleep next to, those are the best gifts you could ever have. She ended (and won) the debate by saying that if that is the case then sex should be limited to when both parties are ready and willing to perform. This drew a silence from the room and just like when your sexy neighbor closed the blinds the show was over.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Cares: Suing McDonalds

My advice to you is, find a local television station and get them to put your story on the air. Next you send a lawyer over to McDonalds and get them to pay you a few million dollars even though this is completely your fault. They paid the coffee spilling lady so they will pay you. Next, dump your wife claiming she cheated on you with one of the people who saw her picture. Finally, cash the check and open your own porn site where you paid sexy women to take bad camera phone pictures and upload them. You can claim they are stolen and rake in the cash because at heart most of us are perverted bastards.

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J.A. Laraque

The Black Friday Report

Have you even been to someone’s home who you know has an awful job and yet has an awesome fifty-one inch HDTV? Chances are if they did not steal it, they got it on black Friday. These bargain hunters will camp outside your local electronics store for up to ten hours to get that television half off. Normal men who would never be caught in a mall will load up their truck with beer and head out ready to do battle to get in, get the deal and get out.

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J.A. Cares Issue: Cheating via Iphone

Oh yeah, your problem. Did you know that with the I-Phone you cannot attach pictures to text messages? Is that a load of crap or what? I paid like four hundred dollars for this damn phone. Well, we are out of time. To bottom line it, he is cheating on you and if he looks good naked then you should cry and if he does not you should laugh. The only glitch here was in your marriage that was doomed to fail anyway and no, I am not bitter. I am just trying to help. One last thing Susan, what the hell is a Genius Bar?

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Dear Dish Network

The Direct TV man told me that this happens sometimes. The Dish Network or Cable guys will come by and offer their services and if you turn them down sabotage your system. He told me to be on the lookout and gave me his personal number to call if it happened again. I would have kissed him if he didn’t look like he would punch me in the face if I did so. I shook his hand and thanked him and ran inside to my bedroom to cry.

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Massive gains in genetic science

“Black people have been labeled with many negative stereotypes, but there was one that made many of us proud and that was the size of our penis. That hooker from Full Metal Jacket said it best ‘beau coup’ I don’t know the direct translation, but it means big as hell. Do you know how many women I got based on the known fact that the brothers pack the meat? So now you are trying to tell me that any Tom, little Dick and Harry can pop a pill and compete with me? This is just another example of the man trying to keep us down.”

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Barack Madonna

As for the Spears people, their response pretty much conveyed how most of us felt. Their statement was, “Why would we want to get Britney Spears involved in presidential politics?” I agree that would be like asking a bunch of random people with no talent to audition on television to become America’s next pop icon. I mean, who would want that? K-Fed had a comment on the subject as well, but honestly, we just did not care what he had to say.

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Viagra Moments

Nothing says please have sex with me better than two senile people attempting to cook over a gas stove. I guess the smell of burning flesh reminds you of her legs rubbing together or something. Oh look, you found out you can pull that little spray thing from off the sink and wet each other. It will be the only wetness going on that night, pill or no pill. How about using the water to put out the fire burning up your table cloth?

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J.A. Laraque

A Fourth of July Fireworks Story

With him being fourteen they called his mother and had her come and get him. As for me, since I was sixteen, they decided to make me suffer a little. Taking me to the back of the station they led me towards the holding cells. The guard asked me for my shoe laces and when I asked why he told me so I wouldn’t hang myself. I asked him if people normally hang themselves for shooting fireworks on the Fourth of July. He didn’t respond. Then I asked him could I keep them because I was way too big to hang myself with my three year old shoe laces. He said no.