Viagra Moments

viagra-demotivational-poster

First of all let me be honest, I hate erectile dysfunction commercials almost as much as I hate the The View. Watching a good television show only to be interrupted by some guy talking about how he can’t please his gracefully maturing wife is as disturbing as over hearing your parent’s having sex.
I’m thirty two years old and perhaps one day I will be walking into my doctor’s office with a ski mask on begging for some penile-poppers jonesing like that women in Menace to Society, but that is not why I dislike them.

First off there is the names and logo’s they come up with. Yes, Viagra sounds normal to us now, but let’s look at Clalis, it’s name and logo had me believing it was a new juice product from the makers of Sunny Delight. Then there are those commercials.

Watcha looking at?

Eyes meeting across the room, what could be more romantic? Well, if you wouldn’t have failed that eye exam last week maybe she would have believed your look was a call for sex and not gas from last night’s dinner. Besides, you barely talk anymore; you have been sitting in that dusty plastic covered living room reading the same damn book for fifty years and now because of a drug-induced stiffy your fiery passions burn again? Right.

Interrupted what?

So, now the pills are fast-acting and long-lasting. There are a ton of problems here. You claim you and your misses were about to play find-the-clam when your college-edition Girls Gone Wild daughter comes home and interrupts you. Lying is bad; every time you lie George Bush kills ten kittens. The truth is that for fifteen years you have been planning sex dates and eighty percent of the time you (meaning your penis) fails to show. Now your wife just watches Sex in the City instead. All of sudden you find a chemical miracle and now your daughter is interrupting you. Oh, I forgot, it’s a pleasant interruption. Long lasting huh? How do you think your daughter will feel when she feels your long-lasting when you give her a welcome home hug?

Where did you find those?

You planned a romantic weekend at your secluded cabin overlooking the beach. To be safe you have two boxes of pills because you figure even if your heart can’t take it your ‘Johnson’ can. There will be no interruptions, pleasant or otherwise. First let’s take a look at that romantic sunset, on the porch, overlooking the lake, in our twin metal personal tubs! Something is wrong with this picture. I guess holding hands from your personal bed pans sounds romantic to someone. I just wish you would be struck by lightning.

Burning Wood

Nothing says please have sex with me better than two senile people attempting to cook over a gas stove. I guess the smell of burning flesh reminds you of her legs rubbing together or something. Oh look, you found out you can pull that little spray thing from off the sink and wet each other. It will be the only wetness going on that night, pill or no pill. How about using the water to put out the fire burning up your table cloth?

And the Barney award goes to….

I’ve been told the saddest sight is seeing a group of teenage boys playing live action dungeons and dragons in public on a Saturday night. If that is so then the next saddest sight is six middle aged men taking a pretty good song and turning it into a ballad about their inability to get one up.

I though having Fred Astaire dancing for vacuums was bad, but this just makes me cry inside. I can see your wife opening the garage door now and instead of finding you cleaning it out as you were told to, she finds a bunch of your friends singing about your deflated pecker and there is no liquor in sight. Now ask yourselves, do you really deserve sex?

Just use Tivo

Believe me. I understand that we all can have a problem performing. Some of my readers right now have a problem performing in bed and they are in their mid twenties. All I ask for is a channel where you can go if you really need to see a commercial telling you that at ninety you can still pound one out. On that channel we can have all those ads running twenty four hours a day. We can toss all the tampon and time-of-the-month commercials on there, too. I bet it will get higher ratings than Lifetime.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.