J.A. Cares: Suing McDonalds

I have received hundreds (5) of e-mails regarding the J.A. Cares initiative. I feel a joy in my heart that goes all the way down to my bowels about the positive responses I have received. While I did not do this for my personal pleasure or gain, I have to admit this feeling ranks up there with taking a piss in a dark alley when you really needed to go.

Today issue comes from Phillip Sherman of Fayetteville, Arkansas.

J.A. I need your help. I just learned about your care program and I could use some help since you dealt with that lady and her i-phone photo issue. Here is the story. My wife sent me nude pictures of herself to my phone. After wanking to it I got hungry and went to my local McDonalds. I must have left my phone on the counter while taking my tray to the seat and I didn’t notice it was gone until I got home.

So, I returned to the McDonalds and they couldn’t find it. I was upset, but was willing to deal with it. Two weeks later my wife screams out from the bedroom. This was unusual because I wasn’t in there with her. I run in to find her on the bed with our laptop crying. It turns out her pictures got posted on the internet and worst yet, it had all her personal information as well.

Needless to say life since then has sucked major ass. She received so many sick text messages and phone calls we had to cancel our phone. It was like 4chan and Sarah Palin all over again except this time with dildos. Yeah, that’s right; they got our home address and sent us anonymous packages with things like anal lube and dildo’s. In the end we had to move and go underground like we were in witness protection.

My question to you J.A. is this. I want to sue McDonalds for ruining my life. How much should I sue them for? I’m thinking eleventy billion dollars.

Thank you for your e-mail Phillip,

You have a number of issues here, so, I will try to address them all. The first thing is, eleventy is not a real word. While it was used in an awesome Saturday Night Live skit it is not a real word. For years now I have petitioned to have it added to the dictionary, but alas, my efforts have failed.

Your second major issue is you still eat at McDonalds. Honestly unless you are sixteen and broke or if you are high you should not eat at McDonalds. Honestly, if you are high White Castle is a much better option.

Third, wanking to your wife should be a federal crime. Even if your wife is hot and judging by the fact you live in Arkansas and eat at McDonalds I doubt she is. One should never wack-off to their wife because it sends a message that you are thinking about her more than you have to and that is just wrong. Be a man like the rest of us and jerk it to those free thirty second clips of porn on the internet.

Finally, never look a gift horse in the mouth. You are getting free dildos and other porn related accessories. Do you even know how much people pay for that kind of stuff? Anal lube is like oil, you can never have too much. Porn paraphernalia is expensive. For example my real doll costs….sorry….my editor told me not to speak about my real doll.

My advice to you is, find a local television station and get them to put your story on the air. Next you send a lawyer over to McDonalds and get them to pay you a few million dollars even though this is completely your fault. They paid the coffee spilling lady so they will pay you. Next, dump your wife claiming she cheated on you with one of the people who saw her picture. Finally, cash the check and open your own porn site where you paid sexy women to take bad camera phone pictures and upload them. You can claim they are stolen and rake in the cash because at heart most of us are perverted bastards.

Also, five percent goes to me for the idea.

P.S. Make it ten percent, Obscure-Internet wants their cut too.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.