Dear Dish Network

dish-tv-network

Dear Dish Network,

Hello. I am not a customer nor do I ever plan to be. Do you want to know why? It is not because your channel lineup sucks and you have less HD channels than local television, it is because of the event I am about to describe.

August 12th – I was sitting down for my weekday dinner which consists of a quarter cup of white rice and two turkey sausages (I am poor and on a diet). My plan was to spend the rest of the night watching television falling asleep to the sweet, sweet sound of Keith Olbermann’s voice. Just as I was taking the first of many unsatisfying bites there was a loud pounding at my door. At first being an African-American, I believed the pounding was the police at my door, but then I realized they would not have bothered to knock.

Setting my bowl to the side I opened the door and a man began speaking to me in Spanish (I live in Miami Florida). I stare at him hoping to scare him away but it does not work. He then began speaking in horribly broken English asking me if I have satellite service. Now while it was getting dark my apartment has a small patio with bright lights shining on a very large dish. You would have to be blind and stupid not to see it. Again I stare at the man bewildered taking a moment to point my eyes towards the dish; he still did not get the hint.

I tell the man I have Direct TV, the best in satellite service, and was about to close the door when he asks am I happy. Am I happy? Let’s see, I am on a diet that sucks ass, I work out everyday just to lose half a pound a week, I have no girlfriend, and my career is going nowhere. So now on a Friday night when I should be out getting tail I am sitting home alone in my shoe box apartment eating bland food only to be interrupted by a man just off the banana-boat asking me if I am happy. I told the man I was very happy.

He proceeded to try to explain to me that he could offer me a better deal. Now maybe I would have listened but my awful food was getting cold plus the mosquitoes were getting in. I told the man I have a ten year contract with Direct TV and if I try to leave they will cut my balls off. I smiled and closed the door and immediately went crying to my bedroom.

About a week later I see my next door neighbor is having a satellite dish put in. I also see the same man installing it. This would not have been an issue except he was installing it on my patio fence. Now I could have complained but I like my neighbors to the extent that if someone was trying to kill me I would hope they would at least dial 911. Because of this I kept quiet and accepted the dish trespassing.

A few hours later I left for the weekend as a storm was coming and I am deathly afraid of rain and lighting. When I returned Monday I found that my satellite service was off. The receiver kept saying searching for a satellite signal. I went and looked at the dish and the wires and found nothing though I admit I wasn’t sure what to look for. Then I called Direct TV and they told me that due to the storm they could not get anyone to me until September 26th. That was over a month later.

Needless to say I was livid. I yelled and screamed and cursed and then unmated the phone because the lady thought I hung up. I begged and pleaded and cried and in the end they told me to suck it up and take it. Now I was about to cancel because I can’t go a day without watching the liberal media and considered calling Dish Network, but then Direct TV offered me three free months of service and a free HDDVR. While deciding what to do I also found out you can watch Countdown on the MSNBC website. It was decided; I would tuff it out and wait until the end of the next month.

Fast forward to September 26th, it was hard and boring but I was able to make it and now I was hours away from having my television back. So the Direct TV guy comes and he speaks great English and goes to work on installing my HDDVR. Then he comes in with a weird look on his face and what he asks me changed my life forever.

“Did you have a Dish Network guy come around here recently?”

The question didn’t make sense. Why would he ask that? I told him yes and asked him why. He smiled and motioned for me to follow him out the door. He then pointed out to me that the cable from my dish to my receiver was cut and it wasn’t an accident. It was high up on the fence and it was cut in a way that unless I physically pulled the wire I would not know it was cut. This was done by an evil, evil godless man who wanted nothing more than to destroy my life.

The Direct TV man told me that this happens sometimes. The Dish Network or Cable guys will come by and offer their services and if you turn them down sabotage your system. He told me to be on the lookout and gave me his personal number to call if it happened again. I would have kissed him if he didn’t look like he would punch me in the face if I did so. I shook his hand and thanked him and ran inside to my bedroom to cry.

Now I am sitting here writing this letter to you to say I hope you die in a fire and then continue burning in that fire once you reach hell. While I got to see my lovely Keith Olbermann on my computer there is no substitute to my 51 inch screen. I feel as if you took a month of my life away and I want it back. I am not sure what to ask for but I would accept the thumbs of the man who did this to me. What will I do if you don’t comply? Nothing, I am too much of a bitch to do anything but write letters during my lunch time at work. I just want you to know you have made a grown man cry…more often than I normally do. You have hurt me more than my prom date that ended up making out with the school janitor. I want you to know I signed a lifetime contract with Direct TV and will tell all my imaginary friends never to order from your company.

Lord Obama will smite you

Fictitiously yours,

J.A. Laraque

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