J.A. Cares Issue: The Wedding Planner

bowling wedding

Summer is the time for blockbuster popcorn flicks, trips to the beach and hopefully BBQ’s that don’t suck. However, it is, unfortunately, also a prime time for some to get married.

This letter comes to us from Vincent Hayden from Chicago Illinois, he writes:


First let me tell you I love my girlfriend. She is pretty, smart and very low on the crazy scale. We have been dating for four years now and about a year after she moved in with me she started talking about marriage. I smiled and brushed it off, but next thing I knew we were at her mother’s house and she was planning our wedding. I never proposed, but she said it’s okay, that proposing was old fashioned. I do want to be with her, but I don’t want to get married, I’m scared, help me!


I could help you, Vincent, but assisted suicide is illegal in Florida. I feel your pain. Nothing ruins a great relationship like the talk of marriage, that and the awful; “I’m pregnant.” My real advice for you is the same I gave my first prom date after I spent a hundred dollars on her and we were at inspiration point, close your eyes and it will be over quickly.

You just killed it

I understand the inbred notion of getting married. In the past it was the only way a woman could get ahead. I hate to admit it, but it is because of men that we have to get married. Back in the day men wanted to get married as soon as possible. It was like an achievement in World of Warcraft that you had to get. Once married you were set, you had a in home maid, babysitter and all you needed to do is go off to your ad agency job, smoke cigarettes, drink fine liquor and bang your mistress.

So today you have a strong, independent girlfriend. You have been good to her and she to you, then one day like a freak storm she blows in with the; “We need to talk.” Or worst yet, she just demands you propose.

Perhaps she believes marriage will strengthen the relationship. Have you ever seen acid strengthen anything? For most of us out there (those with balls) when you forced the issue of marrying you, you just splashed acid in our face and then you’re surprised when we turn into two-face.

Step aside son

Remember when you had that great idea at work, but you were brand new, a rookie, and nobody wanted to listen to you. Welcome back to those days. Not only did you not want to get married, but you have no say in how it is done. You might think this is a good thing since who wants to plan a wedding anyway, but when you have to show up dressed like Elvis and then get the bill, you will wish you had some input.

Women love to ask your opinion, but they don’t want you to give them your answer, they want you to give them theirs. I guess you are suppose to know them so well that you can read their mind and select what they want you to. This is where the filter comes in. You filter out everything she says and look at her eyes. They will tell you what answer you need to give, then give it and shut up, your job is done.

Quick isn’t always easy

You just finished a long boring day of antique shopping. Your girlfriend is feeling good and frisky. Nothing turns a woman on more than making her man go shopping in small cramp stores for hours on end. She feels she is doing you a favor, by giving you a quickie on the side of the road. The pants come down, but you forgot protection. She smiles telling you it will be quick, no harm can come. Nine months later you are standing on the ledge of a bridge with a box of condoms, crying, ready to jump.

The above story is a warning that quick isn’t always easy. You might not have wanted a wedding, but now that you are having one, do it right. Unless you are 1000% sure your wife to be wants a quickie (cheap) wedding, don’t do it. She may say a trip to city hall is spontaneous and romantic, but five years later during a random argument over leaving the toilet seat up she will stab you in the back with the fact that she never had a real wedding. Save yourself the added headache, do it right the first time.

Make them all suffer

If it wasn’t for your friend introducing you to your girl you would not be in this predicament. If it wasn’t for your parents raising you to be a gentleman you would have ran off to Argentina to find yourself a nice reporter. If it wasn’t for her friends you could have brainwashed your girl to your way of thinking. If it wasn’t for her parents being married for fifty years you could have talked your way out of marriage.

Make them all suffer along with you. The key is to get them to not only pony up money and gifts, but be part of the wedding. Call in all your favors and give everyone a wedding related job. Baby showers and home warming parties aren’t so you can meet and greet, it’s a trick to get free loot. See most men take to far a back seat and in that case the woman may not take advantage of the free help she could guilt out of people. This is your job sir, call everyone you know like you were in jail and needed bail. Misery loves company and after those vows are spoken you’re pretty much on your own.

I swear I will complete this one

The executives here at Obscure Internet world headquarters told me not to do any more multipart articles unless I was sure to finish them. In this case marriage is such a painful experience I cannot just cover it all in one article.

In part two we get down to the nitty-gritty. It’s time to do this thing and it will be horrible no matter how well you plan it. Sit back and enjoy the carnage and pray you booked a good honeymoon.