MySpace Interview – Dylan Walshe

So, who are you anyway?

I”m Dylan Walshe, a solo artist from Dublin, Ireland. Have been under different names and bands in the past but it”s always ended up back to basics with an acoustic guitar shoutin” out some lyrically based tunes…

Describe your sound for us

Different projects, instruments and bands have pushed and pulled the sound in all kinds of directions but it”s early recorded music and its raw simplicity that the sound seems to head towards eventually

So you rate yourself then?

Well there”s always gonna be a certain amount of confidence in an artist so they can perform but it seems to swing like a pendulum for the most part. I”m confident in the songs I write but I”m also aware that I can take a lot away from the songs through an awkward performance of the material(That can add to it too if your in luck)

Who are your influences?

Again it”s back to early recorded music before there was a separation in genres. It was a time when it was about the individual and the character of a musician and how they put who they were into simple movements and lyrics. Before there was country, folk, blues etc, you had individuals who probably wouldn”t even know what a genre was. Mississippi John Hurt, Son House, Henry online casino bonuses Thomas, The Mississippi Sheiks. But once an artist is believable they have my attention and a good artist or song will eventually transcend a supposedly boxed off genre. 

What”s in the future?

Everything and anything I guess??! The present is much more appealing don”t ye think?

What”s your claim to fame?

I though fame does the claiming, no?

Being interviewd by an obscure internet site maybe…

Tell us one of your musical secrets.

I”ll give two. One, never depend on anyone and two, don”t write just talk.

Where do you see yourself in ten years time?

Behind a bass drum with a bald head, vintage guitar, beard, vintage amp, bottle neck slide, a whiskey burnt throat, loads of rhythm and simple but effective lyrics. Just having the presence of an artist who has lived what the sing I hope. They”re the guys that do it for me

Myspace or facebook?

Myspace has kind of burnt out a little but still a good way to get a feel for an artist. Facebook doesn”t hound ye with all sorts of crap and when you”re living away from home a lot of your friends travel facebook is a little more personal than an e-mail even though evryone else hears yer news too??! 

Meeting people is easy…

Scambaiter – Jesus is watching you Peter

This one started when I got an a message from a gentlemen claiming to be “manage of ghana gold miner compery of ghana”. He told me he was called John Lugman but during the course of our conversions he also used the following details; Peter Love, kawme kojo and peter_mensah20 which I found highly confusing.

He has been bothering me for a phone number since early September, here the first example of the fun I had with him.

[18:53] peter_mensah20: hello how are u
[18:54] c64glen: I am good, how are you?
[18:54] peter_mensah20: this john lugmen, ok, do u know me from face-pic, i send u mail
[18:55] c64glen: yes
[18:55] peter_mensah20: do u see my mail
[18:55] c64glen: yes, I mean to rape you very soon
[18:55] peter_mensah20: ok, i hope to se u rapely ok
[18:55] c64glen: I had much business to do today.
[18:56] peter_mensah20: ok, so can u send me mail now
[18:56] c64glen: I will try and look at it now. Please tell me about you while I look
[18:57] peter_mensah20: ok, i am john luman from ghana, i am 25 of age and u
[18:58] c64glen: I am 31 years of age, I am youngest businessman on the east side of western inter nets
[18:58] peter_mensah20: ok, i like that , so can u give me u number so i can call u to night and telk about it, or u can call me to night
[19:00] c64glen: I have Internet Ebusiness, so all my numbers ar Internet numbers. Do you have the internet phones?
[19:01] peter_mensah20: no, but can u call me, so i can give u my number ok, so that u call me
[19:01] c64glen: ok, give me your number
[19:02] c64glen: I will see if I can call it uses my special internet phone
[19:03] peter_mensah20: pls give me u number i will tryn to get one and call u ok
[19:04] c64glen: my internets number = 82.4.9.235
[19:04] peter_mensah20: u try to end me mail ok i am going to collect the number ok
[19:04] c64glen: Sorry? I don’t understand your crazy speak. what do you mean? Are you calling me names?
[19:05] peter_mensah20: no
[19:06] c64glen: so have you a number?
[19:06] peter_mensah20: how can i call u names
[19:06] c64glen: you better not
[19:06] peter_mensah20: yes
[19:06] c64glen: good
[19:07] peter_mensah20: ok i will mai u with and i will add the number ok, so u see it in ur in box ok
[19:07] c64glen: ok, that is very good. So why do you have so many names?
[19:07] peter_mensah20: ok my good fried
[19:08] c64glen: Peter Love/JOPHN LUGMAN/kawme kojo/peter_mensah20 are you a spy?
[19:09] peter_mensah20: my name is john lugman
[19:09] peter_mensah20: ok i ues those name to join the site ok
[19:10] c64glen: ok, John. I beleive you
[19:10] peter_mensah20: thank u, i are a good friend
[19:11] c64glen: Are you gay? Your face-pic profile says you are Gay
[19:11] peter_mensah20: no
[19:11] c64glen: so you don’t want to get gay with me?
[19:11] peter_mensah20: are u a gay
[19:12] c64glen: not all the time
[19:12] peter_mensah20: ok that is good
[19:12] c64glen: only when Jesus tells me it is ok. I talk to Jesus he tells me what to do, do you like Jesus?
[19:13] peter_mensah20: yes very much
[19:13] c64glen: Good, Good. Jesus tells me he wants to be in your life, Will you let Jesus in your life?
[19:13] peter_mensah20: so u can talk to jesus
[19:14] c64glen: Yes, Jesus is in my heart
[19:14] peter_mensah20: yes need he , very much
[19:14] c64glen: Jesus wants you in his life, but he says you have sins to confess
[19:14] c64glen: he says you need to confess these sins
[19:14] peter_mensah20: yes that is good ok u have to worship god frist
[19:15] c64glen: Jesus wants you to confess your sins now.
[19:15] peter_mensah20: i did not know
[19:15] c64glen: Jesus say I should do business with you, but you must confess to me first
[19:15] peter_mensah20: so if he can tell the type of sins
[19:16] c64glen: Jesus says you know what Sins you need to confuss
[19:16] c64glen: Jesus says he has seen you sin and you should not hide from him
[19:16] peter_mensah20: ok frist i was bad boy but now i am bone again ok
[19:17] c64glen: What did you do to become a bad boy?
[19:17] peter_mensah20: ok i will bey god to forgive me ok
[19:17] c64glen: no, you making Jesus angry. You must confess now
[19:18] peter_mensah20: i was follow bad boy to do bad thing we fight people
[19:18] c64glen: yes… what else
[19:19] peter_mensah20: we smook
[19:19] c64glen: yes… what else
[19:19] peter_mensah20: we take acholic
[19:19] c64glen: yes… what else
[19:19] peter_mensah20: next time ok
[19:20] c64glen: no, Jesus says you must tell us about it now.
[19:20] c64glen: He says there is one more… The worst one
[19:20] peter_mensah20: do u send me the mail now
[19:20] c64glen: He speaks of a carnal sin…
[19:21] c64glen: you wants you confess your carnal sin before we can do business
[19:21] peter_mensah20: ok
[19:21] c64glen: Jesus is waiting
[19:22] peter_mensah20: the lest one is the i fight my mother , father and my eld brothers
[19:22] peter_mensah20: that is the lest one that i know ok, can jesus forgive me now

[19:23] c64glen: no, no, no. Jesus says the sin is carnal
[19:24] peter_mensah20: what is the mean of caral
[19:24] c64glen: Carnal is Sex
[19:24] peter_mensah20: yes i have sex too
[19:24] c64glen: Jesus wants to know the lurid details
[19:25] peter_mensah20: yes
[19:25] c64glen: Jesus likes to hear you carnal sins. tell him more about your sex
[19:26] peter_mensah20: u know that hamen being can not tell all the sins cos he forget some ok
[19:26] peter_mensah20: i have sex with girl and pay their

[19:26] c64glen: Jesus says there is a little more to tell
[19:27] peter_mensah20: my good friend pls i will tell u more if i remeber ok
[19:27] peter_mensah20: if i mail u i will add more to it ok

[19:28] c64glen: ok, I will send email now.
[19:28] c64glen: Jesus is happy for you to email about your sex
[19:28] peter_mensah20: so u try to mail me ok so that i can use to send u that massge
[19:29] c64glen: yes
[19:29] peter_mensah20: i like the way u chat
[19:29] c64glen: me too
[19:29] c64glen: (Jesus is also quite impressed)
[19:30] peter_mensah20: yes jesus like people like u to be with he all the time
[19:30] c64glen: yes, Jesus walks withme
[19:30] peter_mensah20: that is good
[19:32] peter_mensah20: so i will send u all the doucment tomorrow ok
[19:32] peter_mensah20: so that u can see ok

Tune in for more fun with Peter next week.

Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Juggling Spiders
What do spiders do to keep themselves amused while they’re sat there all day on their webs?

Funny you should ask that, I have just recently completed my Arachnid Leisure Activity Thesis.
High speed HD photography has revealed that spiders are actually very accomplished ball room dancers, and, because of the extra limbs they also juggle at the same time, usually miniature bottles of Barcadi.

The exception to this is the humble money spider. They juggle bottles of Red bull. They dance and juggle faster than you can see. It took very expensive photographic equipment and months of patience to catch a glimpse of one of the spiders doing a jig. The resulting image is blurry but you can defiantly make out that the spider is doing the highland jig whilst juggling.

To give you some idea how fast, the spider can dance the entire routine from “west side story” quicker than a Scouser can have the wheels off a Sierra 4×4.

Juggling Spider

King of Cars

How many people would have to die before I became king? I know there are probably quite a few people in front of me but surely I’m in front of others too. 

Well it’s odd one. I have studied the lines of succession and for you to become King of England (which is what I presume you wish) depends entirely on the car you drive. For example if you drive Ford Fiesta then you are 20 millionth in line for throne. However if you drive a Citroen Zsara then as little as 240 people need to peg it before your coronation.

The rules regarding this seemingly insane way of deciding were established in the 1970’s during the 3 day working week. Wilson was about to be booted out of number 10 and in a fit of drink fuelled pique barged into the Lineage Reform Committee and demanded that the rules of succession should be motor vehicle orientated. At the time Wilson was renowned for clubbing any MP that disagreed with him and the bill was promptly passed.

A review is held every 3 years to decide which cars decides your position, the last one was 2 years ago and was a milestone as it was the first time EU members were allowed to participate, hence the Citroen being number 1.

The Mixing Dance
Why do two liquid always mix perfectly given enough time (assuming they’re miscible, unlike oil and water)?

The scientifical term for the process is “Mixabilious-praesulsulis” in layman terms this means “The Mixing Dance” basically the molecules of the given liquids start to entwine almost immediately and under an electro-magnificationer device look like they are dancing, it’s quite lovely to watch. Some liquids take longer to learn each others dance hence there is a difference in how long it takes for some liquids to mix.

As you mention Oil is not miscible, it’s the hard man of liquids, sitting around moodily saying “I don’t dance”. As is Baileys Irish Cream.

Moody Big Ben
Why is the M6 such a twat of a road?

The M6 is such a twat of a road because it is a government experiment to test the publics endurance to extreme stress, boredom and gratuitously sickening bad driving.
You may have noticed small blue cameras all up the M6. These are not speed camera’s they take pictures of drivers and extrapolate the driver’s mood and this in turn dictates how bright the light in Big Bens is. If it’s bright, then the M6 drivers are unhappy and if it is dull then the politician’s send a message to the stunt truck driver to tip another fucking lorry.

 

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

MySpace Interview – Kristopher Andrews AKA Bambi

So, who are you anyway?

Kristopher Andrews duh! Aka Bambi. I believe every faggot and fag hag has heard of my sexy ass.

Describe your sound for us.

There are two words that describe my beautiful sound “Sexual intercourse”

So you rate yourself then?

I don’t have to rate myself. I already know I’m above a 10.

Who are your influences?

Peaches, Lil’ Kim, and Trina. I love prostitutes.

Tell us one of your musical secrets.

If you listen closely to my track “Dicks the Bomb-Remix”, you can hear me having an orgasm in the background.

What’s in the future?

Sex sex and more sex. Kristopher andrews is taking over the world of fags with his diamond dildos.

What’s your claim to fame?

My dick!

Musically, where do you see yourself in 10 years time?

In jail with Jeffree Star

Myspace or Facebook?

Myspace, I don’t even know what a facebook is.

Scambaiter – OMG they killed Kenny!

Susan Linda aka beautylove2g5 is another one of my yahoo friends from Accra , Ghana. . She has been boring me for a while, when she caught me this time I was in the mood to talk about one of my favorite TV shows South Park, but I don’t think she is a fan….

[20:03] beautylove2g5: hi glen
[20:03] beautylove2g5: how are you doing over there
[20:03] c64glen: I am good
[20:03] beautylove2g5: is been quite long since i chart with you glen
[20:03] c64glen: but I have some bad news
[20:04] beautylove2g5: what is the bad news glen
[20:04] beautylove2g5: can you please share it with me
[20:04] c64glen: Well, I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese Mafia.
[20:05] beautylove2g5: i dont understand what you mean glen
[20:05] c64glen: They killed Kenny
[20:05] c64glen: He had sins that he didn’t confess!

[20:05] beautylove2g5: am really really very sorry to hear this, who killed him glen
[20:08] c64glen: North American Man/Boy Love Association (NAMBLA)
[20:08] beautylove2g5: am sorry, please can you accept my sympathy glen
[20:09] c64glen: In the end, all of the NAMBLA people were arrested, and despite their leader’s impassioned speech about rights to all people, they were all taken away
[20:10] c64glen: Kenny was run over by the ambulance taking his father to the hospital

[20:10] beautylove2g5: his is living with you in london glen or he is in the state glen
[20:11] c64glen: He leave down the street from me.
[20:11] beautylove2g5: does he own his house
[20:12] c64glen: He lived with his parents. He was poor
[20:12] beautylove2g5: ok glen, am sorry. i wish am with you to know more about him glen
[20:13] c64glen: His parents were trying for another baby. Kenny didn’t like the idea, so threw a ball at his dad’s testes while playing catch.
[20:13] beautylove2g5: ohh that is bad glen
[20:13] c64glen: He sliped abortion pills in his mom’s vodka, but his dad accidentally drank it instead and got heavy diarrhea.
[20:14] beautylove2g5: didnt he want to have another brother
[20:14] c64glen: That is why his dad was in the ambulance
[20:14] beautylove2g5: why did he have to do that glen, he want to abort his mothers pregnant glen
[20:16] c64glen: After seeing a commercial for an amusement park ride, informing that pregnant women should not ride, he went with his parents where Kenny’s dad nose is broken.
[20:16] c64glen: Finally, tired of his failed attempts, Kenny chased his mom through the town with a plunger.
[20:16] c64glen: I think he was very sick. It is very sad

[20:17] beautylove2g5: he shouldnt have to do that at all glen, he dont want the good thing for his parent glen
[20:18] c64glen: I think he want to use her unborn child for stem cell research.
[20:18] beautylove2g5: is he a scientist man?
[20:20] c64glen: He was diagnosed with muscular dystrophy,
[20:20] beautylove2g5: ok glen
[20:21] c64glen: He learned that they might be used to help him and gave a speech to the House of Representatives on behalf of stem cell research. He succeeded in getting the ban lifted by singing Heat of the Moment by Asia and he visited abortion clinics around the area to collect more aborted fetuses.
[20:21] beautylove2g5: ohh ic glen
[20:23] c64glen: He slowly began to sing “Heat of the Moment” by Asia in a slow, sorrowful tone while choking back tears. Soon after he finished the second line in the song, Congress begins to join in one by one until everyone is singing the song up until the end of the first chorus.
[20:26] beautylove2g5: am sorry glen
[20:27] c64glen: I cannot speak anymore, I must go. I am too sad

They killed Kenny, and she never said “You Bastards”, oh well, maybe next time.

Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Cats Fur
If I had fur similar in length to a cats at my size, would this be enough to keep me warm during the winter days? Or would I require a different thickness given me increased weight and size?

Although it is possible to genetically grow cat fur on a human its not advisable. You see a cats body temperature is naturally around 451 degrees Fahrenheit, so in order to keep the cat at this temperature its fur has to be

A) Extremely good at keeping the cat hot and
B) Extremely well insulated so humans can touch them

If you were to have cats fur he would certainly be warm in winter, indeed he would quite simply burst into flames!

TV Electric Shaver Fight
Why when I use my hand-held electric shaver does my TV get interference? It’s like lots of black/white dots flicking around the screen. This only happens on our old TV in the bedroom curiously enough.

Older TV’s work on the same sonic frequency as Electric Shavers. The hundreds of tiny speakers in the shaver (that make that brrrrrrrr noise) interfere with the photo speaker that produces the picture in the old telly.

It works both ways. Try turning on the telly then listen to the electric shaver, it should make small popping noises. If it doesn’t your not doing it right.

Semi-busted nose?
The strangest thing happened to me today and I’ve been wondering why. I awoke as usual at 7:15 and rather unusually I felt my nose was quite blocked. I grabbed some toilet roll (didn’t have any tissues left) and blew my nose. To my surprise there was none of the usual nose matter, I just blew a big clot out and bust my nose.

It took a few minutes to stop but had me wondering the whole time. Why did I wake up with a semi-busted nose?

I’m afraid its yet more evidence that you hate yourself. It seems to me that your sub-conscious has taken it to the next level, You are literally kicking the shit out of yourself whilst you sleep. I suggest you start handcuffing yourself to the bed frame before you go to sleep.

I would see a brain-doctor to help you with your head sickness.

Problem Child
My 9 year old daughter has always had phases of stealing money from my bag and sweets etc from the kitchen. She has also often lied – often without even thinking about it – the lie just comes out of her mouth. She has just turned nine and things are getting out of control. She is sneaking food out of the kitchen and hiding it under her pillow (it is a small house and an accomplishment to get it past me at all is an achievement) and she is lying continually. I also suspect she takes money from my bag. I have tried explaining, moralising, peter and the wolf stories, grounding, punishing, taking away favourite games for a week, praising good behaviour etc. But I can’t seem to get through to her that lying is not the way – she knows it is one of my personal hates and I try to tell the truth at all times and I don’t steal! She is a happy and well balanced child – very bright but I do not know what to do to stop the lies and stealing. She only steals from home – never from anywhere else. With teenage years approaching I would like to tackle the problem now. Any advice as she is driving me stirs crazy! My sister says she is attention seeking but I work at the same school as the one she goes to and although we are a single parent family I am around the whole time! In fact the only time I have ever gone out without her is when she has had a Brownie sleepover and I do spend time with her – i.e. helping her with homework and talking etc, sitting down at meals with her although she does like to go upstairs and play on her playstation in her room a lot or play with friends from next door.

It sounds like your daughter has turned this into a kind of a game where she winds you up by doing something you have a particular dislike for. You’ve tried all sorts of useful tactics which haven’t in the long run proved effective. The good news is that she doesn’t do this outside the home, which could support the game-with-the-parent theory. It also indicates that she is aware that she would earn social condemnation for lies and theft with other people.

Therefore you might consider telling her – and meaning – that if she steals from you again, you’ll have to ask her teacher how to deal with it. If the threat doesn’t deter her, the very next time she takes without permission you ask the teacher with your daughter present. Meantime you could lock away your handbag, put a lock on your bedroom door and so on.

As for the lying, the following tactic has worked with one girl I know who used to tell lies. Her mother told her, “You can lie to me when you’re any good at it.” The mum supported this by saying that lying is a behaviour which can cause the liar all kinds of trouble so it’s stupid, which indicates the liar isn’t able to look after herself and must therefore be treated as a small child. But if the liar is clever enough to think up believable lies, then she’s clever enough to look after herself.
If you don’t want to go that far, how about minimising your reaction to her lies? A tut, a roll of the eyes, a resigned “If you want to make yourself untrustworthy, be my guest” could be enough. You already give her plenty of positive attention by the sound of it.

I hope some of the ideas here will help her to become the lovely person she so easily could be.

Alternatively you could just shoot the lying bitch in the face.

Obscure Gamer – What Gamers Want

Everyone loves a good metaphor in a column. You get to say “I get it” and the columnist gets to say “That’s a clever bit of writing”. So, what strained, pureed and mashed line of thought am I going to use to describe the difference between what gamers say they want and what they actually buy? It’s food, of course.

There is no doubt there is a lot of junk food out there, and a lot of chains (in this metaphor, our publishers) who serve up familiar fare on their menus year in and year out. They come back with a new and improved recipe and persuade the consumer to wolf it down. And by and large they do – a good case in point would be the Need for Speed series, often critically panned and yet freshly packaged for your Christmas feast every year.

The comparison between EA and a major fast food chain may be a little unfair though. In this last year we have at least seen something in the way of new recipes. The healthier, leaner option was the Mirror’s Edge salad, a first-person shooter with a new kind of dressing. Food snobs turned their nose up, but it has gained a following and stays on the menu. The fruit salad was Dead Space, but everyone went for the very sweet ice cream treat of Gears of War 2 instead.

The Nintendo Wii in recent months has seen a lot of finger food, small snacks designed for parties. There is a market for them, but it has disappointed those who were expecting big things from one of the most respected restaurants in town. They may not make as many meals as their competitors, but they are always laden with flavour.

One high spot was due to be Mad World from Sega and Platinum, a smorgasbord of meat (the stylised graphics) and spicy sauce (the violence). And yet within a couple of weeks the meal is on sale at a bargain price, despite a high-profile TV ad campaign and generally positive reviews. So do gamers really want a taste of something new, or do they just say that and go with the old familiar and comforting diet of racing and FPS? I remember a similar fate befalling Outrun 2006 Coast to Coast, a refreshing summer ice lolly in the midst of a sea of dull brown shooting soups.

We have to support and respect the great chefs (programmers) and the establishments that train them. The aforementioned Platinum contains people who worked at Clover, creators of Okami. At the end of the PS2 generation this was cruelly overlooked by many, yet it represented exactly the sort of experience many gamers express a wish for online. Clover closed down, and now Platinum’s future could hang on future releases like Bayonetta (a new take on the Devil May Cry style game, with a female protagonist).

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve made myself hungry.

What Gamers Want

Gamers-Motivational-Poster

What Gamers Want

Everyone loves a good metaphor in a column. You get to say “I get it” and the columnist gets to say “That’s a clever bit of writing”. So, what strained, pureed and mashed line of thought am I going to use to describe the difference between what gamers say they want and what they actually buy? It’s food, of course.

There is no doubt there is a lot of junk food out there, and a lot of chains (in this metaphor, our publishers) who serve up familiar fare on their menus year in and year out. They come back with a new and improved recipe and persuade the consumer to wolf it down. And by and large they do – a good case in point would be the Need for Speed series, often critically panned and yet freshly packaged for your Christmas feast every year.

The comparison between EA and a major fast food chain may be a little unfair though. In this last year we have at least seen something in the way of new recipes. The healthier, leaner option was the Mirror’s Edge salad, a first-person shooter with a new kind of dressing. Food snobs turned their nose up, but it has gained a following and stays on the menu. The fruit salad was Dead Space, but everyone went for the very sweet ice cream treat of Gears of War 2 instead.

The Nintendo Wii in recent months has seen a lot of finger food, small snacks designed for parties. There is a market for them, but it has disappointed those who were expecting big things from one of the most respected restaurants in town. They may not make as many meals as their competitors, but they are always laden with flavour.

One high spot was due to be Mad World from Sega and Platinum, a smorgasbord of meat (the stylised graphics) and spicy sauce (the violence). And yet within a couple of weeks the meal is on sale at a bargain price, despite a high-profile TV ad campaign and generally positive reviews. So do gamers really want a taste of something new, or do they just say that and go with the old familiar and comforting diet of racing and FPS? I remember a similar fate befalling Outrun 2006 Coast to Coast, a refreshing summer ice lolly in the midst of a sea of dull brown shooting soups.

We have to support and respect the great chefs (programmers) and the establishments that train them. The aforementioned Platinum contains people who worked at Clover, creators of Okami. At the end of the PS2 generation this was cruelly overlooked by many, yet it represented exactly the sort of experience many gamers express a wish for online. Clover closed down, and now Platinum’s future could hang on future releases like Bayonetta (a new take on the Devil May Cry style game, with a female protagonist).

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve made myself hungry.

Scambaiter – my father is late pa timson adedokun

Bimpe was another scammer who found me through tagworld. Her profile shows she was justing looking for someone to ‘rake care’ of her, she must of thought I could do it because I was soon getting messages on MSN from bimpsylovs@hotmail.com, here is our first conversion.

Bimpe: Hello
GLeN: hija
bimpe: How u doing
GLeN: I am good, and you?
bimpe: am cool, i have a plan for u
GLeN: ok, what is it
bimpe: Coming to meet u in state….
GLeN: in what state?
bimpe: your state as i dont know
GLeN: ok right, so what about it
bimpe: did u want me to come?
GLeN: I do not know you, yet. Tell me about you first
bimpe: my name is bimpe and 29 yesra old my father is late pa timson adedokun am light and a little bit tall…average build,Very romantic, Heart on shirtsleeve, i do Read, listen to music, or watch a movie…. and how about u?
GLeN: I am gent, I am 30 of age of years, I have family of gone. I also like things movie, books, animals
bimpe: ok …so what u want to know ?
GLeN: Do you play the trumpet or the pink oboe?
bimpe: no i play piano
GLeN: oh, coool. you are penist!
bimpe: yes
GLeN: are you religious, Or do you bash the bishop?
bimpe: am a christain
GLeN: good good, I am too
bimpe: ok
GLeN: so do you like food, do you put meat in your mouth?
bimpe: yes, i like potato chips, fried rice and salad with mountain dew
GLeN: you like meat in your mouth?
bimpe: yes
GLeN: I do not put meat in my mouth
bimpe: why?
GLeN: I do not like the taste
bimpe: alright but is look sweetest
GLeN: so what do you do for fun?
bimpe: entertainment and playing games
GLeN: what games?
bimpe: play station2
GLeN: i have some fun games, Doing the five-knuckle shuffle, Cleaning the pipes, Crank yanking, Erupting Ol’ Faithful
bimpe: ok
GLeN: Fondling the fig and Hand Shandy these are good games. I would like to play them with you
bimpe: No soccer and romeo
GLeN: I like soccer and Having one off the wrist
bimpe: yes
GLeN: but sometimes afterwoods I have to Massage Mr. Ho-Ho
bimpe: what did u mean?
GLeN: if I get injury
bimpe: ok

Ok now we know each other, Bimpe decide it’s time to see how much money she can get out of me.

bimpe says: okay…i need a little help beby
GLeN says: whats the problem
bimpe says: my flight paper is not complte
GLeN says: what do you need
bimpe says: i need some money
GLeN says: oh noes! you need money?
bimpe says: yes
GLeN says: oh noes! what can you do?
bimpe says: i dont have much with me baby can u help me out
GLeN says: what can I do?
bimpe says: can u help me with the money
GLeN says: what can I do?
bimpe says: send me
GLeN says: how?
bimpe says: thru western uniuon
GLeN says: I can’t use wetern onion from my bank
bimpe says: why, what u wanna use?
GLeN says: my bank is called the bank of Dirtbox and they don’t like the onion
bimpe says: so what u wanna use? and how will i get the money
GLeN says: Dirtbox transfer to mouth, out of the stink into the pink
bimpe says: when will u send it and how much did u wa t to send me
GLeN says: how much do you need, because I need some money to buy a elephant.
bimpe says: ok 700$
GLeN says: 700 dollars?!??!?! But I need an elephant.
bimpe says: or 400$
GLeN says: keep going
bimpe says: How much did u have
GLeN says: after the elephant money. about 1637 Tunisia Dinars
bimpe says: so u can’t send me any money then
GLeN says: I can come and get you soon. After I get the elephant
bimpe says: i dont love u
GLeN says: waaa?
bimpe says: BYE

Curses bimpe now longer loves me anymore. I’ll have to wait for the next one.

Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Not the Girl next door
Can you tell me why the girl next door, NEVER EVER looks like the ones you see in men’s magazines.          

Since Macmillens premiership all hot, “innocent” looking girls that have a “dirty glint in their eyes” are forced to live in the Houses of Parliment. As soon as these “Pretty but Filthy” girls are identified they are photographed and the pictures published in Adult art magazines. They are then taken directly to a leather walled hareem under Big Ben, there they stay under the control of man called “Black Rod” until they are old enough to produce a set of MILF photographs. After this they are released back into the wild.

The reason behind this will not be released into the public domain until 2024.

Blocked Nose
What is the real reason I get a blocked nose when I’ve got a cold, I’ve heard all the medical peoples propaganda about blocked sinuses and mucus build up. I want to get to the truth though!

No problem, the increased amount of mucus in the nostril area is a recent side effect of a cold. 40 years ago a cold meant that you had headache, and your joints felt achy. Now, as well as those symptoms we also have a cough and a runny nose to contend with.

40 years ago the Kleenex company was on its knees, people of the world had realised that did need a box of paper in their houses, enter Dr. Baron Von Baron, renown German bio-chemist, he tailored the common cold virus to induce coughing and mucus.

Within a decade the Kleenex Company became the most profitable company in the world. A position it still holds today.

Hulk Smash
How fast would I have to run to smash through a brick wall, I’ve seen the hulk do it and the thing. I’ve always wondered if I have what it takes.    

You surly do have what it takes. Its not, as most backward scientists would have you believe, all about kinetic energy, weight and velocity. Its actually all about mind over matter.

Basically, what you need to do is take a long run up. Think “I am the wall” and run as fast as you can into the wall. If you have done it right, and really believed you are the wall, then you should go through wall without any difficulty.

Eye butterflies
What is that crusty stuff that collects in your eyes after you’ve been asleep?          

During the night the particle beams that shoot out of your eyes that enable you to see (see previous post regarding seeing through things) bounce off the inside of your eyelids. The drumming noise this makes attracts tiny butterflies which get caught in your eyelashes and sadly die. The butterfly corpse then fall from your eyelashes and end up in the corner of eye. Over the course of 1 night several thousand butterflies will die in your eyes, they quickly decompose leaving a crusty yellow mass.

So, what is the crusty stuff that collects in your eyes? Its 1000’s of tiny butterflies.

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

MySpace Interview – F-BATS

So, who are you anyway?

F-BATS

Describe your sound for us.

Beard punk.

So you rate yourself then?

?

Who are your influences?

Hot Water Music, Michael Bublé, The Lawrence Arms, Algernon Cadwalader, Paint it Black, Champion, Polar Bear Club, Cheeky etc.

Tell us one of your musical secrets.

Giles can’t play trumpet. When we play live we have a backing track playing all his parts.

What’s in the future?

Tours, new recordings blah blah blah

What’s your claim to fame?

We’ve all slept with Donagh of Jesse James.

Musically, where do you see yourself in 10 years time?

Busking.

Myspace or Facebook?

Neither.

Ask the Fucking Professor

Professor Lazarus is still toiling hard within ObscureInternet headquarters to solve life’s most mysterious mysteries.

More than my jobs worth
Why are most council workers utter jobsworth gits?

You cannot blame the workers. Under the 1968 Local Council Belligerency law the council holds all of the workers next of kin in a compound under the council offices. If an employee does not follow guidlines or shows any sign of indepedant thought then their next of kin is, as the law clearly states, hung by the neck until death.

Mole vs. Mechanical
What exactly would happen if we bored to the centre of the earth and would the results differ if you used mechanical tools compared to say a mole?

The results of boring into the centre of the earth would entirely depend on the size of the hole.
This is represented as the equation R=S
R being the result, S being the size of the hole.
For example a 1 meter diameter hole would result in a very pretty magma fountain.

However a hole with a 1000 meter diameter would be catastrophic as the resulting force would fire the Earth off into the space, it would be turned , quite literally into a giant spaceship. I have mooted this idea as an escape plan if we are ever attacked by aliens. The problem of where we would put the billions of tons earth and rock that would be generated by the excavation would be solved by digging another hole next to it and putting the debris into that.

A mole could not dig that far down due to its poor eyesight, you see the deeper it digs the darker it would get and after a few hundred meters it would simply be unable to see where it is going. If required we could fit it with some sort of lighting equipment, but to be honest it would be more effective if we glued something like a owl to the mole’s back in order to direct it.

DIY God
How would I go about creating my own universe so that I would inherit the title of god. Is this even possible?

Well, lets get one thing straight. You do not have to create a universe to become a God. Start off small, create a cult based on your believes, these believes can be anything as long as they are pretty vague, un-provable and requires a leap of faith. Lay down some unattainable rules that will mean that your “flock” will be in constant state of guilt and always seeking redemption.

For example –
“It is against the rule of God to think about eating”
“Thou shalt not have more money than is needed to survive” (Particularly good in affluent societies)
“Sex is only allowed by the direction of the great and powerful God”

Once you have these rules in place it is important to put a punitive system in place. What works best is to have a 2 tier punishment system and a single tier reward system

The first tier of punishment should be monetary, if you do this you must pay this as penance. The money raised from this should be used to fund your Palace made out of gold and silver.
The Second tier is of course eternal damnation. If you do not believe in the great and powerful Crag and do what he says then when you die you will burn for ever.

The reward for giving you all of their money and doing what they are told is eternal life. After they die of course.

The utter genius of this is that nobody could ever say if it true or not as dead men don’t talk much.

There is a downside to being this type of God however, the only way to truly be a great religious figure is to martyr yourself. The more painful the better. After your death you will find that the people will do anything in your name.

I have a way out for you though, if you believe in me, send 60% of any tithes you receive from your disciples and I will guarantee that when you are martyred I will raise you back to life.

You could think of me as a kind of God of Gods.

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.