Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Juggling Spiders
What do spiders do to keep themselves amused while they’re sat there all day on their webs?

Funny you should ask that, I have just recently completed my Arachnid Leisure Activity Thesis.
High speed HD photography has revealed that spiders are actually very accomplished ball room dancers, and, because of the extra limbs they also juggle at the same time, usually miniature bottles of Barcadi.

The exception to this is the humble money spider. They juggle bottles of Red bull. They dance and juggle faster than you can see. It took very expensive photographic equipment and months of patience to catch a glimpse of one of the spiders doing a jig. The resulting image is blurry but you can defiantly make out that the spider is doing the highland jig whilst juggling.

To give you some idea how fast, the spider can dance the entire routine from “west side story” quicker than a Scouser can have the wheels off a Sierra 4×4.

Juggling Spider

King of Cars

How many people would have to die before I became king? I know there are probably quite a few people in front of me but surely I’m in front of others too. 

Well it’s odd one. I have studied the lines of succession and for you to become King of England (which is what I presume you wish) depends entirely on the car you drive. For example if you drive Ford Fiesta then you are 20 millionth in line for throne. However if you drive a Citroen Zsara then as little as 240 people need to peg it before your coronation.

The rules regarding this seemingly insane way of deciding were established in the 1970’s during the 3 day working week. Wilson was about to be booted out of number 10 and in a fit of drink fuelled pique barged into the Lineage Reform Committee and demanded that the rules of succession should be motor vehicle orientated. At the time Wilson was renowned for clubbing any MP that disagreed with him and the bill was promptly passed.

A review is held every 3 years to decide which cars decides your position, the last one was 2 years ago and was a milestone as it was the first time EU members were allowed to participate, hence the Citroen being number 1.

The Mixing Dance
Why do two liquid always mix perfectly given enough time (assuming they’re miscible, unlike oil and water)?

The scientifical term for the process is “Mixabilious-praesulsulis” in layman terms this means “The Mixing Dance” basically the molecules of the given liquids start to entwine almost immediately and under an electro-magnificationer device look like they are dancing, it’s quite lovely to watch. Some liquids take longer to learn each others dance hence there is a difference in how long it takes for some liquids to mix.

As you mention Oil is not miscible, it’s the hard man of liquids, sitting around moodily saying “I don’t dance”. As is Baileys Irish Cream.

Moody Big Ben
Why is the M6 such a twat of a road?

The M6 is such a twat of a road because it is a government experiment to test the publics endurance to extreme stress, boredom and gratuitously sickening bad driving.
You may have noticed small blue cameras all up the M6. These are not speed camera’s they take pictures of drivers and extrapolate the driver’s mood and this in turn dictates how bright the light in Big Bens is. If it’s bright, then the M6 drivers are unhappy and if it is dull then the politician’s send a message to the stunt truck driver to tip another fucking lorry.

 

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.