Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Not the Girl next door
Can you tell me why the girl next door, NEVER EVER looks like the ones you see in men’s magazines.          

Since Macmillens premiership all hot, “innocent” looking girls that have a “dirty glint in their eyes” are forced to live in the Houses of Parliment. As soon as these “Pretty but Filthy” girls are identified they are photographed and the pictures published in Adult art magazines. They are then taken directly to a leather walled hareem under Big Ben, there they stay under the control of man called “Black Rod” until they are old enough to produce a set of MILF photographs. After this they are released back into the wild.

The reason behind this will not be released into the public domain until 2024.

Blocked Nose
What is the real reason I get a blocked nose when I’ve got a cold, I’ve heard all the medical peoples propaganda about blocked sinuses and mucus build up. I want to get to the truth though!

No problem, the increased amount of mucus in the nostril area is a recent side effect of a cold. 40 years ago a cold meant that you had headache, and your joints felt achy. Now, as well as those symptoms we also have a cough and a runny nose to contend with.

40 years ago the Kleenex company was on its knees, people of the world had realised that did need a box of paper in their houses, enter Dr. Baron Von Baron, renown German bio-chemist, he tailored the common cold virus to induce coughing and mucus.

Within a decade the Kleenex Company became the most profitable company in the world. A position it still holds today.

Hulk Smash
How fast would I have to run to smash through a brick wall, I’ve seen the hulk do it and the thing. I’ve always wondered if I have what it takes.    

You surly do have what it takes. Its not, as most backward scientists would have you believe, all about kinetic energy, weight and velocity. Its actually all about mind over matter.

Basically, what you need to do is take a long run up. Think “I am the wall” and run as fast as you can into the wall. If you have done it right, and really believed you are the wall, then you should go through wall without any difficulty.

Eye butterflies
What is that crusty stuff that collects in your eyes after you’ve been asleep?          

During the night the particle beams that shoot out of your eyes that enable you to see (see previous post regarding seeing through things) bounce off the inside of your eyelids. The drumming noise this makes attracts tiny butterflies which get caught in your eyelashes and sadly die. The butterfly corpse then fall from your eyelashes and end up in the corner of eye. Over the course of 1 night several thousand butterflies will die in your eyes, they quickly decompose leaving a crusty yellow mass.

So, what is the crusty stuff that collects in your eyes? Its 1000’s of tiny butterflies.

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

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