Ask the Fucking Professor

Professor Lazarus is still toiling hard within ObscureInternet headquarters to solve life’s most mysterious mysteries.

More than my jobs worth
Why are most council workers utter jobsworth gits?

You cannot blame the workers. Under the 1968 Local Council Belligerency law the council holds all of the workers next of kin in a compound under the council offices. If an employee does not follow guidlines or shows any sign of indepedant thought then their next of kin is, as the law clearly states, hung by the neck until death.

Mole vs. Mechanical
What exactly would happen if we bored to the centre of the earth and would the results differ if you used mechanical tools compared to say a mole?

The results of boring into the centre of the earth would entirely depend on the size of the hole.
This is represented as the equation R=S
R being the result, S being the size of the hole.
For example a 1 meter diameter hole would result in a very pretty magma fountain.

However a hole with a 1000 meter diameter would be catastrophic as the resulting force would fire the Earth off into the space, it would be turned , quite literally into a giant spaceship. I have mooted this idea as an escape plan if we are ever attacked by aliens. The problem of where we would put the billions of tons earth and rock that would be generated by the excavation would be solved by digging another hole next to it and putting the debris into that.

A mole could not dig that far down due to its poor eyesight, you see the deeper it digs the darker it would get and after a few hundred meters it would simply be unable to see where it is going. If required we could fit it with some sort of lighting equipment, but to be honest it would be more effective if we glued something like a owl to the mole’s back in order to direct it.

DIY God
How would I go about creating my own universe so that I would inherit the title of god. Is this even possible?

Well, lets get one thing straight. You do not have to create a universe to become a God. Start off small, create a cult based on your believes, these believes can be anything as long as they are pretty vague, un-provable and requires a leap of faith. Lay down some unattainable rules that will mean that your “flock” will be in constant state of guilt and always seeking redemption.

For example –
“It is against the rule of God to think about eating”
“Thou shalt not have more money than is needed to survive” (Particularly good in affluent societies)
“Sex is only allowed by the direction of the great and powerful God”

Once you have these rules in place it is important to put a punitive system in place. What works best is to have a 2 tier punishment system and a single tier reward system

The first tier of punishment should be monetary, if you do this you must pay this as penance. The money raised from this should be used to fund your Palace made out of gold and silver.
The Second tier is of course eternal damnation. If you do not believe in the great and powerful Crag and do what he says then when you die you will burn for ever.

The reward for giving you all of their money and doing what they are told is eternal life. After they die of course.

The utter genius of this is that nobody could ever say if it true or not as dead men don’t talk much.

There is a downside to being this type of God however, the only way to truly be a great religious figure is to martyr yourself. The more painful the better. After your death you will find that the people will do anything in your name.

I have a way out for you though, if you believe in me, send 60% of any tithes you receive from your disciples and I will guarantee that when you are martyred I will raise you back to life.

You could think of me as a kind of God of Gods.

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.