Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Cats Fur
If I had fur similar in length to a cats at my size, would this be enough to keep me warm during the winter days? Or would I require a different thickness given me increased weight and size?

Although it is possible to genetically grow cat fur on a human its not advisable. You see a cats body temperature is naturally around 451 degrees Fahrenheit, so in order to keep the cat at this temperature its fur has to be

A) Extremely good at keeping the cat hot and
B) Extremely well insulated so humans can touch them

If you were to have cats fur he would certainly be warm in winter, indeed he would quite simply burst into flames!

TV Electric Shaver Fight
Why when I use my hand-held electric shaver does my TV get interference? It’s like lots of black/white dots flicking around the screen. This only happens on our old TV in the bedroom curiously enough.

Older TV’s work on the same sonic frequency as Electric Shavers. The hundreds of tiny speakers in the shaver (that make that brrrrrrrr noise) interfere with the photo speaker that produces the picture in the old telly.

It works both ways. Try turning on the telly then listen to the electric shaver, it should make small popping noises. If it doesn’t your not doing it right.

Semi-busted nose?
The strangest thing happened to me today and I’ve been wondering why. I awoke as usual at 7:15 and rather unusually I felt my nose was quite blocked. I grabbed some toilet roll (didn’t have any tissues left) and blew my nose. To my surprise there was none of the usual nose matter, I just blew a big clot out and bust my nose.

It took a few minutes to stop but had me wondering the whole time. Why did I wake up with a semi-busted nose?

I’m afraid its yet more evidence that you hate yourself. It seems to me that your sub-conscious has taken it to the next level, You are literally kicking the shit out of yourself whilst you sleep. I suggest you start handcuffing yourself to the bed frame before you go to sleep.

I would see a brain-doctor to help you with your head sickness.

Problem Child
My 9 year old daughter has always had phases of stealing money from my bag and sweets etc from the kitchen. She has also often lied – often without even thinking about it – the lie just comes out of her mouth. She has just turned nine and things are getting out of control. She is sneaking food out of the kitchen and hiding it under her pillow (it is a small house and an accomplishment to get it past me at all is an achievement) and she is lying continually. I also suspect she takes money from my bag. I have tried explaining, moralising, peter and the wolf stories, grounding, punishing, taking away favourite games for a week, praising good behaviour etc. But I can’t seem to get through to her that lying is not the way – she knows it is one of my personal hates and I try to tell the truth at all times and I don’t steal! She is a happy and well balanced child – very bright but I do not know what to do to stop the lies and stealing. She only steals from home – never from anywhere else. With teenage years approaching I would like to tackle the problem now. Any advice as she is driving me stirs crazy! My sister says she is attention seeking but I work at the same school as the one she goes to and although we are a single parent family I am around the whole time! In fact the only time I have ever gone out without her is when she has had a Brownie sleepover and I do spend time with her – i.e. helping her with homework and talking etc, sitting down at meals with her although she does like to go upstairs and play on her playstation in her room a lot or play with friends from next door.

It sounds like your daughter has turned this into a kind of a game where she winds you up by doing something you have a particular dislike for. You’ve tried all sorts of useful tactics which haven’t in the long run proved effective. The good news is that she doesn’t do this outside the home, which could support the game-with-the-parent theory. It also indicates that she is aware that she would earn social condemnation for lies and theft with other people.

Therefore you might consider telling her – and meaning – that if she steals from you again, you’ll have to ask her teacher how to deal with it. If the threat doesn’t deter her, the very next time she takes without permission you ask the teacher with your daughter present. Meantime you could lock away your handbag, put a lock on your bedroom door and so on.

As for the lying, the following tactic has worked with one girl I know who used to tell lies. Her mother told her, “You can lie to me when you’re any good at it.” The mum supported this by saying that lying is a behaviour which can cause the liar all kinds of trouble so it’s stupid, which indicates the liar isn’t able to look after herself and must therefore be treated as a small child. But if the liar is clever enough to think up believable lies, then she’s clever enough to look after herself.
If you don’t want to go that far, how about minimising your reaction to her lies? A tut, a roll of the eyes, a resigned “If you want to make yourself untrustworthy, be my guest” could be enough. You already give her plenty of positive attention by the sound of it.

I hope some of the ideas here will help her to become the lovely person she so easily could be.

Alternatively you could just shoot the lying bitch in the face.

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