Football Predictions 2006/2007

At the back at the end of July last year, I was looking forward to a great new season of football and thus I was inspired to invite the good people of the ObscureInternet forum to join me in a few predictions of how the new season. Unfortunately I was only answered by Dave before the season started, Crag joined in, but not until April of this year, so he is a big cheater.

Premier League Champions: Manchester Utd

Many where surprised many when Manchester Utd comfortably won the Premiership title this year with Ronaldo in excellent form (in both skill and cheating). Both Dave and I incorrectly backed Chelsea to win three consecutive titles, Crag (Cheat) got this one spot on

Champions League Qualifiers (2nd, 3rd and 4th)? Chelsea, Liverpool, Arsenal

We all got the top four teams right, which given the state of Premiership is not very difficult. but we all got them in the wrong order except for Crag (Cheat).

FA Cup Winners: Chelsea

Chelsea won this year’s disappointing FA Cup final beating Crag and My selection Manchester Utd. Dave selection of Liverpool was beaten by Arsenal.

UEFA Qualifiers: Tottenham, Everton, Bolton

At the end of the season my choice of Boro seems to be woefully optimistic as did Dave’s choice of Newcastle. However we both got our other guess correct by using it to choose Tottenham. Crag again showed cheaters do prosper by choosing correctly Bolton and Everton.

Inter-Toto Turkeys: Blackburn

Possibly the least interesting and most difficult selection to guess correctly We all drew and blank on this one. Dave and my choice was Bolton, and Crag’s guess was Spurs.

League Cup Winners: Chelsea

Again Dave and myself were well of target by choosing Villa and Blackburn. Crag was 100% correct with Chelsea, which isn’t surprising since he choose two month after the final was played.

Promoted from the Championship: Sunderland, Birmingham and Derby

Strangely Dave only picked one team, Birmingham which considering they went up was probably better than my three choices put together, Leeds (Bottom, Relegated, went into administration and deducted points for good measure), Norwich (16th), and Crystal Palace (12th). Crag again used his amazing powers of foresight to select Sunderland, Derby and Birmingham. I suppose even if this was made in April it’s pretty good since Derby were promoted via the play offs.

First to Be Sacked: Ian Dowie

Despite the Ian Dowie had already being sacked Crag didn’t enter an answer to this question. I could have been said to be closest to the correct answer with Paul Jewell as he found himself out of job at the end of the season. Dave’s choice of the twitching, brown envelopes hiding Harry Redknapp was admirable but completely misplaced.

Relegated Teams: Watford, Charlton, Sheff Utd

The secret to guessing Relegated Teams seems to be to select two of the promoted teams and one team from the wrong half of premiership table. Crag almost got this right by selected Watford, West Ham and Sheffield United unfortunately for him it was Charlton and not West Ham that was the one non promoted team to go down. My selection of Portsmouth, Watford, Reading found me correct selecting only one team as did Dave with his selection of ‘Wigan, Fulham and (sadly) Sheff Utd‘. How anyone can find the relegation of a Neil Warnock team sad is beyond me.

Most Annoying Pundit: Andy Gray and Jamie Redknapp

This is probably the most competitive category this season as there were so many Annoying pundits. Crag and I went for Mark Lawrenson due to his annoying jokes and general smugness, Dave got it half right when he went for both Andy Gray and Chris Kamara. Andy Gray.

Best Signing: Dimitar Berbatov (Tottenham Hotspur)

At £10.9 million, Berbatov didn’t come cheap, but his performances for Spurs have demonstrated that he is a rare talent, and his touch and composure bring out the best in the young players around him. Another honourable mention goes to Carlos Tevez (West Ham United) who for all the controversy surrounding his signing, he has been an absolute revelation for West Ham, and his passion and endeavour and unrestrained lust for the battle have set him apart from similarly illustrious foreign imports who, in previous seasons, have shied away from the dirty work when the going got tough. Crag choice of ‘Gonzalez or Bellamy at Liverpool’ was cheating even more than usual by selecting two players, and my choice of Tomas Rosicky almost looked wise until the season started.

Worst Signing: Andriy Shevchenko

For years Andriy Shevchenko was the striker in European football. 127 goals in 208 appearances for AC Milan, countless honours and a reputation as one of the most lethal marksmen in history. After Shevchenko’s arrival Chelsea never looked comfortable with the 4-4-2 which was used at the start of the season to fit Shevchenko’s into the team. All this and the rumours in newspapers reporting that the transfer was imposed upon Mourinho from above, which caused disagreements between the manager and the chairman makes Andriy Shevchenko the worst signing of the season. This was correctly guessed by Crag and Myself. Dave ironically did say ‘Shevchenko!! Lol, no my vote is for Big Emile at Wigan’

UEFA Cup Champions: UEFA Cup

As predicted by Crag Last year’s UEFA Cup and Supercup Winners Seville retained the UEFA Cup. My gamble on Sporting Lisbon was a complete disaster as they missed out on the UEFA Cup by finishing fourth in group stages of the Champions League. ‘Who cares?’ was Dave’s only suggestion.

Champions League Champions – AC Milan

I was the only one to correctly guess that AC Milan would be victorious in this year’s snooze fest of Final. Manchester United who where Milan’s victims in Semi-finals was Crags choice and Dave went for Real Madrid who were knocked out by Bayern Munich earlier in the competition.

Most Injured Player – Michael Owen

Michael Owen’s return to fitness just in time for the Summer Internationals and the transfer windows reopening gains him the Most Injured Player award and gains Crag and Myself a correct guess. Dave’s pick of Harry Kewell misses out, because no one really cares if he is fit or not although he always seems fit for the Champions league final.

Surprise Package: Reading

Finishing just below the European qualification places made Reading this year’s surprise package, which was correct choosen by the Cheat Crag. Dave and me choices of Watford and Sheffield United both were more Unsurprising Packages as they both where relegated. Dave’s suggestion that Watford had a Great manager in Boothroyd was untested as Watford refused to gamble on new players even after Marlon King was injured, leaving them with a very weak squad completely unprepared to compete in the top league.

Worst Chairman: Dave Whelan – Wigan

With a severe lack of poor chairman, Dave Whelan’s constant (even if justified) whinging about West Ham and the Premier league lands him then honour of being Worst Chairman. Dave and my choice Doug Ellis was out of the running when he sold Villa, making my suggestion that he wouldn’t sell completely wrong.

Scottish Champions – Celtic

This year’s two horse race with was won by runaway leaders Celtic, this was correct predicted by Crag and Myself. Dave choose the wrong horse in Rangers

Darlington or Hartlepool – Hartlepool

Darlington got off to an excellent start this season and then went on amazing run of bad results, which ruined their late season push for the play offs. Hartlepool conversely started poorly and then went on a record breaking run which saw them just miss out of the top spot.

Dave of course picked Hartlepool and was somewhat disappointed in my choice of Darlington, which was a sentiment I echoed come the end of the season. Crag confusing selected ‘Who?’

Ok, that it’s for this year. I expect you to take part in the next one you never know we might have a prize for the winner.

Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor. If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Why will my father not return me to the palace he stole me from? I know I was born a princess and not meant for a life of working!!
Mamma Jamma

After several days of Genealogicalistic research I have found that your bloodline can be traced to the Macedonian Royal Family, there is good news and bad news, Macedonia is now a Republic and its entire Royal Family killified in 1993, locally this massacre is called “The Harvest of Crowns”, this leaves you as a direct decendant of King Alan XVII (Colourfully refered to as the “Bastard Maker”) 2nd in line for throne (after your Father), This is the good news. The bad news is that my research has alerted the Macedonian President to your presence and his Elite Regicide Squad have been dispatched to dispatch you and your family. Its probably too late for your father, however if you leave now, change your name and appearance you may yet lead a full and productive life as a prostitute in Prague.

Apologies for that.

Whats left when you wash mud?
King Puck

Ah, the old mud question, washed mud goes through what we call the de-mudification process, as the water bonds with the molecular structure of the mud it transmogriphies into a yellowy fluid, the resulting Slurry is canned and sold by Budweiser.

Any cure for anal leakage?
Maybel

There is no cure Anal leakage the best you can do is stem the flow using a technique first developed by lazy merchant navy sailors who suffered terribly with anus spray, the discovered by that by inserting a digit into there rectum reduced the amount of discharge, thus the old saying “Oi! stop standing around with your finger up your arse”

In a recent conversation with a friend, I said that it wasn’t possible to do that that thing. Do you agree?
Mick

Wholeheartidly, recent studies into that thing have revealed that not only is not possible it could quite possibly have disatrous consequences if attempted, and has now been regognised as the single biggest cause of anal leakage since the invention of Budweiser.

It’s a good answer but it’s not right. If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum

UEFA Champions League Final 2007

There’s nothing like sitting at home with a few bottles, despite the fact I have absolutely no interest in football. And, considering I’ve got fuck all else to do, I shall provide commentary for tonight’s sporting activities.

So… I am off to get my first bottle… I shall return.

I’m back. They have two players (Steven Gerrard and someone else) talking about how Liverpool won last time. They need subtitles – I can’t understand a fucking word

Graeme Souness thinks Milan will win. I reckon the score will be 1-0 to Milan.

Right, what the fuck is going on here? There’s an opening ceremony? Some dodgy guys wearing sunglasses hammering fuck out of oil drums to the “Zorba’s Dance” music. For fuck’s sake, get on with it.

Ruud Gullit agrees with me. heh.

Oh, hurrah, they’re playing “You’ll never walk Alone” for the 85th time. The teams are lining up ready to come out…. and as they come out, they reveal a big wiremesh model of the cup. How dire.

Thank fuck for that, here comes kick off… And Liverpool are kicking off…

00:08 – It’s a GOAL! No, not really.

01:30 – A freekick to Milan. Utterly wasted.

02:48 – Listening carefully to Sky’s commentary, you can just about hear John Motson in the background. I think

04:02 – The stadium iwas built in 1982.

05:45 – Alonso’s just fouled someone, maybe he should stick to Formula One.

07:00 – On to bottle two. Whaaaars me bottle opener. Ah, it was on the floor. Someone headed the ball. I can tell you an interesting story about this bottle opener. It’s got “Newton and Ridley” printed on it, which is the brewery from Coronation Street. Penant nearly scored. Dina saved it

15:20 – God, I’m so bored already. Not a thing has happened so far.

16:25 – Oooooooooooooooo. Kaka has had his first shot. My excitement-o-meter literally explodes in flames.. I shall quench the fire it by drinking the last of this bottle

18:39 – Liverpool have a free kick near the goal, and it was complete and utter spunk.

19:50 – The large, mesh UEFA cup I have mentioned can now be seen dismantled on the athletics track to the side of the pitch.

20:45 – “Can the uncle of Curtis Penant come to the VIP area as he is waiting for you..” has just been BELLOWED down the tannoy. One of the microphones is too close. Good planning there.

22:37 – Gerard sends the ball flying over the crossbar…

25:00 – Botthe III coming up.

26:46 – I return, with bottle 3 and 4 and a mouthful of chicken, just in time to see Alonso to almost miss.

29:44 – Corner to Liverpool. wated

32:36 – Daddykins has returned downstairs, and asked if there’s been any highlights. I explain that the chicken was nice.

40:55 – This is the dullest match I think I’ve ever sat through.

44:15 – Ooo, a free kick and AC Milan have scored. A deflection off Inzaghi’s chest. So far, my prediction is right.

——— HALF TIME ——–

They say it’s a game of two halves. Not sure what that means… maybe a pheasant and a pair of infant bovines? Oh, hang on, no, that would be game and two calves.

Adverts now. Cars floating via balloons. Reminds me of the GTA San andreas cheat where you had no gravity. What a pointless advert.

they’re now trying to describe tactics with glasses of water… thankfully, they’re coming out for the 2nd half…

———-`2nd half ————-

47:00 – They are STILL looking for the uncles of Curtis Penant. It’s a corner to Liverpool, and there’s a streaker, totally invisible to the cameras.

49:49 – BRB, piss. There’s bound to be a goal.

52:53 – I return, sufficiently empty. Yellow card to Jank… Jaknonlofski… Junkalov… Jonkovol…. someone on AC Milan’s side….

91:49 – I got bored.

92:41 – The End. AC Milan won 2-1. Ah well.
 

Tips For Drinking and Getting Drunk

drinking motivational poster

Hello. My name is Austin and these are my tips for everyday life. This particular tip involves getting drunk and drinking. I honestly don’t often feel that what I write needs a warning but in this case I am certain it does. WARNING: This guide is to be used only by those of drinking age in their respective county/city/state/nation. This guide is to be used ONLY by those wishing to become plastered easily and as cheaply as possible. This is not intended for use with everyday drinking in any way. This tip is a guide to self-destructive drinking and should be viewed as such. There, the gloves are off.

The first and foremost thing you will need is booze and lots of it. The best choice is tequila. The reason I say this is because it will cause a downward spiral like no other alcohol. You might think you are a heavy drinker but that doesn’t matter once you start drinking. I am a hearty fellow and I have been slain by the tequila monster on more than one occasion. I recommend Patron.

The second thing to remember is that it’s not a good idea to eat. Almost all of your drinking life you have been taught to have a full stomach. They teach you this for the same reason I am saying not to. An empty stomach gets you drunker faster. My actual recommendation is to have a full stomach. A stomach full of Gatorade or similar sports drink. This will stop a hangover before it happens but not impede your ability to get completely plastered.

The next, and most important, step is to insure a friend is readily available. I really can’t get into how to make friends as that’s a tip for another day, sorry. The reasons for this friend are many and since I impose a minimum word amount on myself I will take the time to list them out for you. The first order of business for your friend is to take your car keys from you and hide them. The reason he must hide them is because he too will want to drink and him driving you somewhere in your car is just as bad as you driving. Your friends next job is to take away your phone and assign a code word too it. If you believe it’s an emergency enough to demand your phone back then it should also be important enough for you to remember the code word. This prevents both the drunk dialing of exrelationships as well as calling work to tell them the copier broke because your ass was too heavy for the screen. His next job, and god save him if he fails at this one, Is to lock all the doors and make sure you don’t leave. It’s vital you don’t leave. His last job is to hold your hair when you vomit and make sure you fall asleep on your side so you wake up in the morning.

The next step is to drink like you only have an hour before the world is about to end. You friend Ford Prefect demands it! If you are doing less than one shot every two minutes then you are just sabotaging your chance at drunken fame. Pound down a shot, pour another, repeat. If your friend tells you that you have had enough ask him if you are still wearing pants. If you are, keep drinking. If you aren’t, keep drinking. You will know you have hit your limit on alcohol consumption when you are no longer able to aim the shot glass at your mouth correctly.

The last step is to sleep. This should be pretty easy.

Tips for Making an Online Video Journal

Austin Says: Tips for Everyday Life
Making an Online Video Journal.

Hello. My name is Austin and these are my tips for everyday life. These tips are about expressing yourself via the internet in one of the newest trends: video diaries. With the invention of sites like YouTube and Ziddio it’s never been easier to get your face and voice out to the rest of the world.

Some reasons you might have a online video diary include but are not limited to: You are an ass, you think you are funny, you are funny, you think you are cute, you are cute, you think someone might care, people care about you, you think you’re voice should be heard, you are hideous, you don’t know how to type or you don’t understand how LiveJournal or Xanga work.

The first step is to decide if your video is dumb and clichéd. If it is then it is safe to say YouTube will welcome you with open arms. If you feel that your video is smart and original then you are probably full of yourself and should post it to YouTube anyway. If you and, let’s say, about twelve other people agree that your video is too good for YouTube then you should post it on Ziddio.

Now that you know how the video is viewed by others it’s time to actually make it. It’s also time to not question me. Go and find a camera of some sort. This can be any camera that links to your computer is some way. It’s best if you use cameras that are not built to be webcams as webcams are the sausages of the camera world. Place the camera where you can be seen from only the breast up. Women, it is best to make video diary entries naked. It helps. I promise.

Now it’s time for just the guys. Guys it’s important that you dress nicely for your journal. If you look like the fat slob you are then no one is going to believe you picked up to fine ladies last night using the previous tip. A nice jacket over a button down shirt or a nice plain white polo is often the best choice. It’s also important that we keep it as clean as possible. You clothing is what they are going to see the whole time so keep it nice. And Ladies, keep it nonexistent.

Now you are ready to record! Hit record and record the video. It’s important that you either know what you are going to say when you start the video or that you have some character. If you both can’t write and have no personality it’s time to pull a DaxFlame and disgrace yourself by acting retarded. Lucky for you if you lack the above to things you most likely can act pretty retarded pretty easily!

Once the video is recorded its time to do some editing.  Open your favorite editing software and select the audio track. Now lower it to 50 of what it once was. Open I mp3 file and place it on the audio track. Increase the audio files volume by 200%. This will insure they can hear the music perfectly. Now edit random sentences describing the scene onto your video. Example if you are about to talk about your trip to the mall place “MY TRIP TO THE SHOPPING ESTABLISHMENT KNOWN AS THE MALL” in large white font over your video.

Once the editing is done its time to watch it. Can you tell what you are saying? Does anything make sense? If you can answer these both as yes go back to the editing phase otherwise its time to post it online! Congrats on your first video diary.

Tips for Picking Up Attractive Females

Austin Says: Tips for Everyday Life
Picking Up Attractive Females.

Hello. My name is Austin and these are my tips for everyday life. This tip is about picking up attractive females. This guide is intended to be used by males seeking females but might be helpful to those females seeking to find someone who will listen to them complain all day long and go down of them orally.

The first step and, depending on where you live, the hardest is to find an attractive female. The easiest way to do this is carry a gun with you at all times. If you spot an unattractive female remove the gun from its holster, turn off the safety and shoot her. This helps as it stops the unattractive from breeding and also insures you will not have to see the same unattractive person more than once.

The next step is to find out if said attractive girl is married, engaged or taken in another manner. The biggest and easiest hint to spot is the wedding ring. If you see a ring on her left hand ring finger that means this is a no fly zone for your little Cessna. If a ring isn’t donned by the attractive female then it’s time to do what you are probably already good at: wait.

Sit in the corner staring at her heavily. Don’t avoid eye contact in anyway. Stare at her like you are a seven hundred pound man and she is the last Milky Way on the face of the planet. It’s important that at this point she feels very uncomfortable. While it will make your job harder in the future it makes this step much easier. If after twenty minutes or so she does not call a large man over to her for protection then it’s time to move on to the next step.

This step is the easiest one I think. All you have to do is contact her verbally. It’s often a good time to tease her as to lower her self-esteem. Such lines as “I didn’t mean to stare but the mole on your check is so huge” or “Sorry but I was lost in your eyes, what color would you say those are? Road kill brown?” work well here. Once you have gotten in with her or her group of friends it’s time to ignore her. If she is with a group of friends talk to the ugliest one the most. If she is alone then you should talk about yourself as much as you can. This is done to make her feel like you don’t need her and if all goes well she will feel like you are challenging her. It’s a game of hard to get.

Once she has felt defeated it’s time to move it to the next level. Tell her something along the lines of “I was going to sleep with your friend but I guess you will do.” This will make her feel like your hot sweaty magic between the sheets is a treat for her that you control. If this act doesn’t secure a one night stand with Miss ‘I don’t usually do stuff like this’ then you have done something wrong.

Tips for Buying Groceries

Austin Says: Tips for Everyday Life
Buying Groceries

Hello. My name is Austin and these are my tips for everyday life. This second tip is about shopping for food products at your local grocery store. It is something that most everyone must do and sometimes it can seem pretty haunting. This guide is intended for people like me who are in college and on a budget.

The first thing you need to do is see if you are hungry. If you are hungry then you have a problem! You can’t shop for groceries while hungry and you can’t eat until you buy groceries. This is called a Catch-22. The best solution for this particular catch-22 is to consume things you wouldn’t normally eat. Remember: “non-toxic” is just a fancy way of saying “eatable.”  It’s at these times that I turn to my old Play-Doh© collection with a hungry glare in my eyes.

The next step is to make a shopping list. This is a simple list of everything that you are going to need from the store. It’s important that you also know the difference between needing something and wanting something.  If you are on a budget then you should make an extreme needs list instead. Making an extreme needs list is easy as it always contains the same one thing. Ramen. You may think that you need water or something else but you’d be wrong. The water that you cook your ramen in will be enough until you have money to afford a real needs list.

The key to a needs list is to have someone else read it to you and ask you what each thing is for. If you can’t answer that off the top of your head you don’t need it and should just move on with making a real list because some people just don’t have time to waste with people like you that can’t make up their own god damn mind.

The next step is to get to the grocery store of your choosing. I for one fly there using my magical powers bestowed on me by the one true DM (God) last time I leveled up but I guess you could drive or walk. Here is where you hit another catch-22 if you are hungry. Hunger leads to exhaustion and exhaustion leads to not want to get your ass up and go somewhere. If you are hungry from the previous paragraph it’s time to start looking for those “non-toxic” delights.

Once at the store it is time to shop! Grab a basket/cart/immigrant worker and get going! If you are using an extreme needs list and happen to be shopping at the Wal-Mart in Huntsville, Texas, USA then the Ramen is located five isles back from the frozen food section to the left when you first enter the door.  If you are lucky enough to have this not be the case then you may have to ask people for directions to the food you are looking for.

Once you have found all the items on your list it’s time to check out! I know it’s exciting but calm down!! Make your way to the front of the store and past the cash register. Precede to push you food carrying device out of the store. If you are stopped tell them you thought everything was free and apologize for the mix up (it would also be a good time to pay them). If you are not stopped, congrats! If you are not stopped but were working from an extreme needs list then I am sorry that you just wasted one of your get away free passes on the world’s cheapest food product.

Tips For Waking Up Each Day

Austin Says: Tips For Everyday Life
Tips For Waking Up Each Day

Hello. My name is Austin and these are my tips for everyday life. My first tip for everyday life concerns something I hope you do each and every night. Well its actually something to do every morning: waking up.

It may seem like everyone in the world knows how to wake up but my now dead grandmother would disagree. It is for people like her and her loved ones that I am writing this.  I have decided that the best way to present this would be in a checklist style sheet. I have also attached a .pdf version of the checklist for easy printing so it may be stored next to your bed and checked off as you are getting ready to sleep.

Check off any of the below that can be answered with a “No”.

o   Are you dead?
o   Are you dying from a wound or serious infection (infections not linked to Zombieism only)?
o   Is there a plastic bag wrapped tightly around your head?
o   Are you submersed in water, sand or any other liquids or solids that may keep one from breathing?
o   Are you surrounded by things that may cause you to die via allergic reaction?
o   Are you in an oxygen free environment?
o   Are you covered in more than 22 nicotine patches?
o   Are you in an all metal bed, outside in a thunderstorm?
o   Do you happen to have a large rock chained to your leg while sleeping next to a lake, river or ocean?
o   Have you recently eaten the rare and hard to prepare puffer fish?
o   Is there anyone in your house that wants you dead?
o   Are you currently in the bathtub with the tub filled?
o   Have you recently ingested cyanide or any other over-the-counter poison?
o   Are there any wild animals roaming around your house?
o   Has the robot uprising started?
o   Do you own a Roomba©?
o   Is there a class three zombie brake out in your local area or any surrounding areas?
o   If you live in the UK: Is there a Manchester United game near your house tonight?
o   Do you have a terminal illness that should cause you to be dead by the morning?
o   Are any of the above not checked off?

If all the above are checked off you may precede to sleep with confidence in your ability to wake up in the morning.

WARNING: If it just so happens that you checks all these off and managed to still not wake up please email Obscureinternet telling us how you managed such an amazing feat so we may inform the public.

Bill Wood Rocks – Giving Should Be Easy

To be fair, one of the most honest songs I’ve ever written. It’s all about really really wanting someone and not being able to have them. You know it could work and you know it would work but you don’t know why the object of your affection won’t let it work.

Could be my favourite. Nothing really humorous to say about this one. The first part of the second verse was actually about the same person that the original incarnation of the Pub Song was about. The rest of it was about someone else entirely.

Seriously though, giving SHOULD be easy. Even if it takes chloroform and a pint of amyl nitrate.

My singing sucks.

[audio:http://www.obscureinternet.com/music/billwood/Bill%20Wood%20Rocks%20-%20Giving%20Should%20Be%20Easy.mp3]

TREO750 review.

I thought I’d better do a review of this new phone that I have for my work.

Treo 750I travel a lot and if I’m not physically travelling to meet someone face-to-face i’m basically on email and instant messaging. I don’t have a permanent desk at a company office, rather I have a home office. In essence I rely on being connected to email 24/7 and thus use the internet and my phone-device a lot.

Now just before I give you my thoughts on this treo750 thing, I’ve got to emphasize that I don’t use this device for viewing videos or playing games. I don’t download applications onto the device and play around. Its a work thing for me. I do use it to listen to music though; like sat on flight from Aberdeen listening to an mp3 file that I like.

So let me start with my ranting and raving. The little button on the top of this gadget that you turn off all sound with is extremely useful. No buggering about with menus and stuff, simply flip the switch and all sounds are muted. The phone now vibrates instead. Very very handy this little switch. When you go into a meeting, train, plane, taxi, restaurant, how cool is it that you just flip this little switch and your in “stealth mode”. Cool. It is soooo chavy and uncool if your phone can be heard by others when it rings… This little feature has got to be the coolest feature. Right, now, I’ve just boarded a plane, so I flip the switch and life is sweet. I’m cool, understated and my personality and smile is at the forefront. No chavy sounds coming from my phone. I contently find my seat, firm in the knowledge that the world is viewing me like a cool dude that isn’t measured by the volume of his ring tone or the need to be seen as sooo important that people phone me all the time so I have to shout stuff like “yeah I’m just on a plane”. Anyway, the stewardess does her thing of telling everyone to turn off transmitting devices such as televisions – ( n.b. if i had a portable television transmitter in my jeans I would be more than willing to show it off. What a cool thing that would be. The people who wrote the stewardess’s script obviously cant fathom what a TV transmitter is). Anyway, I realise that “please put your pda in flight mode” actually means me. So I whip out my unfeasibly cool phone/pda/gadget for all to see and roll my eyes to the guy next to me, in a gesture that makes it look like I’m still quite understated and cool. By the time we’re taking off however, I’m still pissing about with windows menus trying to find the screen that says “Bluetooth-off” and “Phone-off”. The stewardess tells me (so everyone can hear) to switch off my phone or transmitting device. In a completely middleclass/compliance driven frenzy I open the back of the phone, take the battery out and show it to the stewardess, who by this time is smiling in such a professional an rehearsed way that she manages to make the ‘handjob’ sign at me with her eyes so only I can see it – I’ve now been told I’m a wanker and any kudos I had built up by having a silent phone has now evaporated. As has the power to my Treo.

So sitting there with my Treo in one hand, the battery in the other and the social-interaction-status of a post-it note with the word ‘wanker’ stuck to my forehead for all to see, I’m now wondering how to insert the battery again without the phone turning on, making its chirpy palm/windows/vodafone welcome noises.

Treo 750Brilliant plan enters frontal lobes (just behind the postit note). If I attach the headset no one will hear. Now, of course, this brings me onto the second part of my long list of review items. The plug-hole-socket-thing at the bottom of the treo750 looks like a standard small ‘jack’. When I got the Treo it was very disappointing when I tried to plug in my swanky sony-mp3 headphones. This is not a regular phone jack plug socket thing. The only thing that will fit in that hole on the Treo is a Treo-headset; or possibly a cotton bud or a paper-clip. Anyway, with this knowledge to hand, but with a virtual postit-note on my forehead, I get out of my seat and disturb 8 people once we’ve taken off to get my headphones.

As you can imagine, I got hold of the wrong ones, and had to disturb people again to get into the overhead locker. While I was doing this the phone, which was lying on my seat ‘booted’ and through its magnificently clear loudspeaker my mail-notification sound of ‘Rimmer from red-dwarf introducing “hammond organ recital night”‘ – (look it up its a bit cult/nerd even for me). I was now pigeon-holed by the entire flight as not only being a chav trying his best to look important with his new fancy phone, but also as a middle-aged nerd. Only the theme tune to ‘lazy town’ could have made me look worse.

Anyways, I finally get the phone ‘transmitter’ switched off after finding the screen from the main ‘today’screen and simply clicking ‘menu’. Duh!. I’ve also found out that I could just have flip the cool ‘mute’ switch on the phone and all would have been silent…. User error? Maybe just too many ‘options’… Anyway, I’ve got my ‘these work only on a Treo’ headphones on and I’m now in gadget heaven. Huddled up in my seat with my little stylus and screen. Verdict so far is that the Treo does not make you look cool, hip or technically aware. But it is really groovy for doing stuff when ‘mobile’.

The first thing I need to do is turn on the music. For this, I simply fire-up “file-manager” and tap on the MP3 file I want to hear. Windows Media Player starts and my life is wonderful. I’ve just got to add here that the volume on windows-media-player is independent from the overall volume of the phone, so if you, like me, just like some background noise in the headset you’ll happily turn down the volume of the phone, realise that it isn’t low enough and then turn down the volume of windows media player as well. Imagine then, your surprise when in the middle of ‘sultans of swing’ by Dire-Straits an email arrives with a whopping 187dB and makes you drop your hot coffee over the keyboard of your laptop (a different but related story). This is, of course, another good reason not to bugger about with loud techno music ring-tones.. Anyway, I settle in to my seat and cocoon myself with stylus in one hand TREO750 in the other hoping not to get noticed anymore on the flight.

So, I fire up the ‘notes’ application and start typing on the keyboard. The keyboard is actually very handy I think. You really need a 2 finger approach on the TREO keyboard. I, personally, use 1 thumb and 1 finger, but depending on dexterity, gender and general ‘geekiness’ any amount of fingers can be applied I suppose. I think the keyboard is very good because its not spongy and it doesn’t ‘click’ annoyingly either – its just right in my opinion.

Anyway, back to the demise of my self-esteem. The stewardess arrives and asks me if I want something to drink, which I completely didn’t notice because I was typing and music was piping in full stereo (128k) into my ‘ear sockets’. A nudge from the guy sitting next to me alerted me to the eye-rolling-stewardess and in an attempt to be helpful and alert I sat up quickly and took the headset-plug-earhole-thing out of one ear and dropped the phone; the phone then proceeded to pull the other headset-plug-earhole-thing out and trying to catch the phone I banged my head onto the flip-down table of the guy sitting next to me who had just a few moments beforehand received a nice gin and tonic with ice and lemon.

Treo 750The guy next to me now hates me. The stewardess, however is now changing her opinion of me from ‘wanker’ to ‘tit’.

After a lot of mopping-up and “I’m sooooo sorry”, I embark on the sensible course of action which is to, again, take the battery out of my TREO and put it all away. I think this experience is not so much indicative of the TREO750; but more of a description of the misconception of how much “freedom” a nifty PDA-mobile-Gadget actually gives you. But that’s not what I’m reviewing here..

My overall verdict of the TREO750 so far is that it seems to work, but the user needs to understand that it works like a PC and not something that gives you the lifestyle the adverts promised you – like a PC. Now I’m not knocking the Windows-TM (bastXrd, fecking w+nker-tw*t, pr.ck software that it is); but I’m still of the opinion that if I had a separate MP3 player, a separate phone and left my typing to my laptop, then I’d be better off. Oh and the battery doesn’t seem to last that long…

I will be reporting back about the use of Email, attachments and how to sync the TREO with your PC. Oooh the irony eh? A pocket PC that you have have to ‘sync’ with your Laptop PC, which in turn is sync’ed with the windows-TM exchange server, file-server … ahhh I see where this is going… Clever! Very Clever.. How many swimming pools does that man need anyway?

SO, Until next time: qwrty.