Tips for Buying Groceries

Austin Says: Tips for Everyday Life
Buying Groceries

Hello. My name is Austin and these are my tips for everyday life. This second tip is about shopping for food products at your local grocery store. It is something that most everyone must do and sometimes it can seem pretty haunting. This guide is intended for people like me who are in college and on a budget.

The first thing you need to do is see if you are hungry. If you are hungry then you have a problem! You can’t shop for groceries while hungry and you can’t eat until you buy groceries. This is called a Catch-22. The best solution for this particular catch-22 is to consume things you wouldn’t normally eat. Remember: “non-toxic” is just a fancy way of saying “eatable.”  It’s at these times that I turn to my old Play-Doh© collection with a hungry glare in my eyes.

The next step is to make a shopping list. This is a simple list of everything that you are going to need from the store. It’s important that you also know the difference between needing something and wanting something.  If you are on a budget then you should make an extreme needs list instead. Making an extreme needs list is easy as it always contains the same one thing. Ramen. You may think that you need water or something else but you’d be wrong. The water that you cook your ramen in will be enough until you have money to afford a real needs list.

The key to a needs list is to have someone else read it to you and ask you what each thing is for. If you can’t answer that off the top of your head you don’t need it and should just move on with making a real list because some people just don’t have time to waste with people like you that can’t make up their own god damn mind.

The next step is to get to the grocery store of your choosing. I for one fly there using my magical powers bestowed on me by the one true DM (God) last time I leveled up but I guess you could drive or walk. Here is where you hit another catch-22 if you are hungry. Hunger leads to exhaustion and exhaustion leads to not want to get your ass up and go somewhere. If you are hungry from the previous paragraph it’s time to start looking for those “non-toxic” delights.

Once at the store it is time to shop! Grab a basket/cart/immigrant worker and get going! If you are using an extreme needs list and happen to be shopping at the Wal-Mart in Huntsville, Texas, USA then the Ramen is located five isles back from the frozen food section to the left when you first enter the door.  If you are lucky enough to have this not be the case then you may have to ask people for directions to the food you are looking for.

Once you have found all the items on your list it’s time to check out! I know it’s exciting but calm down!! Make your way to the front of the store and past the cash register. Precede to push you food carrying device out of the store. If you are stopped tell them you thought everything was free and apologize for the mix up (it would also be a good time to pay them). If you are not stopped, congrats! If you are not stopped but were working from an extreme needs list then I am sorry that you just wasted one of your get away free passes on the world’s cheapest food product.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.