Hello. My name is Austin and these are my tips for everyday life. This particular tip involves getting drunk and drinking. I honestly don’t often feel that what I write needs a warning but in this case I am certain it does. WARNING: This guide is to be used only by those of drinking age in their respective county/city/state/nation. This guide is to be used ONLY by those wishing to become plastered easily and as cheaply as possible. This is not intended for use with everyday drinking in any way. This tip is a guide to self-destructive drinking and should be viewed as such. There, the gloves are off.
The first and foremost thing you will need is booze and lots of it. The best choice is tequila. The reason I say this is because it will cause a downward spiral like no other alcohol. You might think you are a heavy drinker but that doesn’t matter once you start drinking. I am a hearty fellow and I have been slain by the tequila monster on more than one occasion. I recommend Patron.
The second thing to remember is that it’s not a good idea to eat. Almost all of your drinking life you have been taught to have a full stomach. They teach you this for the same reason I am saying not to. An empty stomach gets you drunker faster. My actual recommendation is to have a full stomach. A stomach full of Gatorade or similar sports drink. This will stop a hangover before it happens but not impede your ability to get completely plastered.
The next, and most important, step is to insure a friend is readily available. I really can’t get into how to make friends as that’s a tip for another day, sorry. The reasons for this friend are many and since I impose a minimum word amount on myself I will take the time to list them out for you. The first order of business for your friend is to take your car keys from you and hide them. The reason he must hide them is because he too will want to drink and him driving you somewhere in your car is just as bad as you driving. Your friends next job is to take away your phone and assign a code word too it. If you believe it’s an emergency enough to demand your phone back then it should also be important enough for you to remember the code word. This prevents both the drunk dialing of exrelationships as well as calling work to tell them the copier broke because your ass was too heavy for the screen. His next job, and god save him if he fails at this one, Is to lock all the doors and make sure you don’t leave. It’s vital you don’t leave. His last job is to hold your hair when you vomit and make sure you fall asleep on your side so you wake up in the morning.
The next step is to drink like you only have an hour before the world is about to end. You friend Ford Prefect demands it! If you are doing less than one shot every two minutes then you are just sabotaging your chance at drunken fame. Pound down a shot, pour another, repeat. If your friend tells you that you have had enough ask him if you are still wearing pants. If you are, keep drinking. If you aren’t, keep drinking. You will know you have hit your limit on alcohol consumption when you are no longer able to aim the shot glass at your mouth correctly.
The last step is to sleep. This should be pretty easy.