UEFA Champions League Final 2007

There’s nothing like sitting at home with a few bottles, despite the fact I have absolutely no interest in football. And, considering I’ve got fuck all else to do, I shall provide commentary for tonight’s sporting activities.

So… I am off to get my first bottle… I shall return.

I’m back. They have two players (Steven Gerrard and someone else) talking about how Liverpool won last time. They need subtitles – I can’t understand a fucking word

Graeme Souness thinks Milan will win. I reckon the score will be 1-0 to Milan.

Right, what the fuck is going on here? There’s an opening ceremony? Some dodgy guys wearing sunglasses hammering fuck out of oil drums to the “Zorba’s Dance” music. For fuck’s sake, get on with it.

Ruud Gullit agrees with me. heh.

Oh, hurrah, they’re playing “You’ll never walk Alone” for the 85th time. The teams are lining up ready to come out…. and as they come out, they reveal a big wiremesh model of the cup. How dire.

Thank fuck for that, here comes kick off… And Liverpool are kicking off…

00:08 – It’s a GOAL! No, not really.

01:30 – A freekick to Milan. Utterly wasted.

02:48 – Listening carefully to Sky’s commentary, you can just about hear John Motson in the background. I think

04:02 – The stadium iwas built in 1982.

05:45 – Alonso’s just fouled someone, maybe he should stick to Formula One.

07:00 – On to bottle two. Whaaaars me bottle opener. Ah, it was on the floor. Someone headed the ball. I can tell you an interesting story about this bottle opener. It’s got “Newton and Ridley” printed on it, which is the brewery from Coronation Street. Penant nearly scored. Dina saved it

15:20 – God, I’m so bored already. Not a thing has happened so far.

16:25 – Oooooooooooooooo. Kaka has had his first shot. My excitement-o-meter literally explodes in flames.. I shall quench the fire it by drinking the last of this bottle

18:39 – Liverpool have a free kick near the goal, and it was complete and utter spunk.

19:50 – The large, mesh UEFA cup I have mentioned can now be seen dismantled on the athletics track to the side of the pitch.

20:45 – “Can the uncle of Curtis Penant come to the VIP area as he is waiting for you..” has just been BELLOWED down the tannoy. One of the microphones is too close. Good planning there.

22:37 – Gerard sends the ball flying over the crossbar…

25:00 – Botthe III coming up.

26:46 – I return, with bottle 3 and 4 and a mouthful of chicken, just in time to see Alonso to almost miss.

29:44 – Corner to Liverpool. wated

32:36 – Daddykins has returned downstairs, and asked if there’s been any highlights. I explain that the chicken was nice.

40:55 – This is the dullest match I think I’ve ever sat through.

44:15 – Ooo, a free kick and AC Milan have scored. A deflection off Inzaghi’s chest. So far, my prediction is right.

——— HALF TIME ——–

They say it’s a game of two halves. Not sure what that means… maybe a pheasant and a pair of infant bovines? Oh, hang on, no, that would be game and two calves.

Adverts now. Cars floating via balloons. Reminds me of the GTA San andreas cheat where you had no gravity. What a pointless advert.

they’re now trying to describe tactics with glasses of water… thankfully, they’re coming out for the 2nd half…

———-`2nd half ————-

47:00 – They are STILL looking for the uncles of Curtis Penant. It’s a corner to Liverpool, and there’s a streaker, totally invisible to the cameras.

49:49 – BRB, piss. There’s bound to be a goal.

52:53 – I return, sufficiently empty. Yellow card to Jank… Jaknonlofski… Junkalov… Jonkovol…. someone on AC Milan’s side….

91:49 – I got bored.

92:41 – The End. AC Milan won 2-1. Ah well.
 

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.