Austin Says: Tips For Everyday Life
Tips For Waking Up Each Day
Hello. My name is Austin and these are my tips for everyday life. My first tip for everyday life concerns something I hope you do each and every night. Well its actually something to do every morning: waking up.
It may seem like everyone in the world knows how to wake up but my now dead grandmother would disagree. It is for people like her and her loved ones that I am writing this. I have decided that the best way to present this would be in a checklist style sheet. I have also attached a .pdf version of the checklist for easy printing so it may be stored next to your bed and checked off as you are getting ready to sleep.
Check off any of the below that can be answered with a “No”.
o Are you dead?
o Are you dying from a wound or serious infection (infections not linked to Zombieism only)?
o Is there a plastic bag wrapped tightly around your head?
o Are you submersed in water, sand or any other liquids or solids that may keep one from breathing?
o Are you surrounded by things that may cause you to die via allergic reaction?
o Are you in an oxygen free environment?
o Are you covered in more than 22 nicotine patches?
o Are you in an all metal bed, outside in a thunderstorm?
o Do you happen to have a large rock chained to your leg while sleeping next to a lake, river or ocean?
o Have you recently eaten the rare and hard to prepare puffer fish?
o Is there anyone in your house that wants you dead?
o Are you currently in the bathtub with the tub filled?
o Have you recently ingested cyanide or any other over-the-counter poison?
o Are there any wild animals roaming around your house?
o Has the robot uprising started?
o Do you own a Roomba©?
o Is there a class three zombie brake out in your local area or any surrounding areas?
o If you live in the UK: Is there a Manchester United game near your house tonight?
o Do you have a terminal illness that should cause you to be dead by the morning?
o Are any of the above not checked off?
If all the above are checked off you may precede to sleep with confidence in your ability to wake up in the morning.
WARNING: If it just so happens that you checks all these off and managed to still not wake up please email Obscureinternet telling us how you managed such an amazing feat so we may inform the public.