Tales of a driver: Pompous bitches & Panhandlers

fast food

During the summer, I would work extra hours during the afternoon at Chicago style restaurant and help take orders, make food and run the register. Even though we were right on the gold coast of Chicago this was Clark Street and we got all kinds of characters came into the store.

A snooty lady came in one afternoon asking for a burger with no meat on it, so I rang up an order for a single burger and gave her fifty cents off the price. The lady wasn’t happy with that; she told me that the meat is half of the sandwich so she should get half off.

I told the lady we have salads but that’s about it and that considering the burger was only a buck twenty nine, fifty cents off is pretty good. She then got in a huff and said that obviously I do not know how to serve people.

I was to busy for this shit, I told her we are very busy and if you want I will give you double veggies on your burger but that’s it. She then asked for the manager, great call because the manager and I were friends and love to play jokes.

The manager comes out and the lady tears into him about how bad I am and how I should be fired. He then turns to me and says “Well (J.A. Laraque) I have heard enough and you have got to go” the lady had a big smile on her face. “(J.A. Laraque)” the manager said “Show this pompous bitch out” the other people in the store began to laugh and clap as the lady turned red and walked out the door saying “I’ll see this place closed down within a week”

She was all hot air and we never heard from her or anyone trying to close us down.

My manager was a nice guy; however we had some bums slash panhandlers that would often come by since we offered a hot dog and fries for 99 cents. We just asked that they be respectful and if they were dirty or had a lot of crap on them take the food outside.

These guys had all types of goods, I knew most of it was stolen but they gave you awesome deals and I would often add bacon to their burger or extra cheese to get in good with them. One time I was really busy and kind of upset when one of these guys fries were handed to me I gave him some free cheese sauce but I guess I was in a hurry and didn’t give him that much but hey it was free so it didn’t matter right?

Wrong, this guy gets all loud says “How you gonna give me one spoon of cheese dog?” I told the guy I would get him next time. “They getting to you aren’t they man?” He asks “You use to hook it up good now I get a spoon of cheese what can I do with that feed my rat?”

At this point the manager came over. “Man I told you about being loud, now take your food and go” My manager wouldn’t take any shit from anyone but this guy wasn’t backing down.

“Your ribs aint shit homey” he yelled “My cousin can out cook your punk ass, you use too little sauce and the meat turns dry to fast bitch” my manager was pissed. “Get the fuck out before I through you out” I decided to slink back towards the dishwashers.


Tales of a Driver: The two Mr. Walkers

Delivery Driver Stories

The Chicago bulls were on their way to winning their third straight NBA title and business was booming. The game was running late so we stayed open later than normal, it was about 11pm and I had a delivery of six full racks of ribs.

I arrive at the house at about 11:05. I get to the door and it was open, this was normal if I was a bit late as some people would leave their door cracked so they could listen for me.

I ring the doorbell and call out “Chicago Style delivery”. Nothing, the house was dark also I figured maybe they were in the back watching the game. However, I am smart enough not to walk into someone’s house so I call again.

I didn’t want to lose this sale, these ribs came out to about sixty bucks so I decide to reach inside the door and turn on the hallway light. Just as I do this the guy walks into the hallway I must have scared him he sure scared me.

“I apologize sir, I rang the bell and knocked but nobody answered” I said in my most friendly voice. The man looked at me puzzled but then relaxed so I guess he was cool.

“No problem, I was in the back didn’t hear you” he looked at my bag “So what can I help you with” I lifted my back to show the man. “I have your ribs, the total is $61.25” the man gave me a blank stare.

“We’ll that’s a lot of ribs, let me get my cash” he said. The man went in the back and was gone for about ten minutes. At this point I was ready to leave so I began to call for him. “sir! sir! I am sorry but I have more runs to make!”

The man ran out at me. “Not so loud, the neighbors complain about everything.” His eyes were darting all over the place. “Look kid I am a bit short, I have fifty bucks take it and I will get you next time” There was no way I was going to accept that.

“Sir, I can’t do that I need at least the full cost of the ribs even if you can’t tip me” the man got mad. “Well what if I can’t pay then?” I smiled at him. “Then I dial 911 on my cell phone”

“I’m kidding, just give me a sec” the man said. I wasn’t leaving without my money so I sat on the steps when a cab pulled up to the apartment. Three men and two women got out the car and stared right at me.

“My I help you” one man said cautiously. I was happy; these guys must be his friends so they must have cash. “I’m from Chicago Style delivering these ribs to Mr. Walker, he’s getting the money I am just waiting” the man looked really puzzled.

“Uh I’m Mr. Walker I asked for the ribs to be delivered at 11:30.” 11:30? I thought to myself, but my boss told me 11, didn’t he? Wait! Did he just say he’s Mr. Walker then who is…

The man from inside the house walked into the hallway “Look kid I need to go I have sixty dollars but that’s it so..” he froze. “Robert!” the real Mr. Walker yelled “What the fuck are you doing in my house” Robert looked like he saw a ghost and took off down the street with Mr. Walker in quick pursuit.

“Call the police” Mr. Walker yelled. One of the women began dialing on her cell as one of the men walked up to me. “Don’t worry this isn’t your fault you didn’t know” Shit I know it’s not my fault what I don’t know is what is going on I thought to myself. “So what just happened” I asked.

“Robert is Bills ex-boyfriend, they broke up a few weeks ago I guess he still has a key” the man said. The cops arrived a few minuets later and Bill returned.

“Officer I chased him down Clark Street but he got away” the officer asked him to explain what was going on. It seams the deal was Bill and Robert dated, broke up due to Roberts drug use and Robert decided to rob Bill while they went out to watch the game using his old key.

Bill apologized for the mess and I apologized for being too early he thanked me and give me the money for the ribs and a twenty for a tip. I didn’t stick around to find out what happened to Robert because the Bulls won and I was too busy parting on Chicago ave to care.


Tales of a Driver: The Complex from Hell

Pizza Hut - Funny Now Hiring Signs

Delivery driving in Chicago was great so when I first came to Miami I took a job working for this company called hungry bear that sold pizza and wings. The hourly pay wasn’t so bad but I swear it was almost impossible to get people to tip and on top of that they had this apartment complex on their route which was just awful.

The first time I delivered there a naked man answered the door and proceeded to pay me with wet dollar bills. He told me he washed his wallet by mistake but the money was still good, I guess he was washing all his clothes as well. The second time I went there this lady tried to pay me in pennies and the bill was nine fifty.

Yet another time an older lady accused me of eating some of her pepperoni slices, she claimed last time she ordered a large pepperoni it had 18 pieces of pepperoni and this time it had 16 so I must have ate the two on the way there.

This complex also had a ton of unsupervised kids running around twice I came out to find the magnetic sign for my store stolen from my car, however they never broke into or damaged my car. I’ve had people offer to buy slices off of me; someone even wanted to purchase the little bag that keeps the pizzas warm.

One afternoon I delivered a pizza to an apartment there and the next door neighbor tried to out bid him for the pizza. Later I found out the two hate each other and the neighbor just wanted to make the other one re-order. That place had fights, sex and drugs and it smelled in the hallways.

My final time there was late night about 10:50pm; it was an order for two large pizzas with the works. I get to the apartment and ring the door and about 90 second’s later a baby opens the door. This kid must not have been over 4 if that much. I just looked at the kid and he looks at me.

“Hi” I said “I’m the pizza man, is your mom or dad home?” The kid then hands me the cash, exact change. The kid still didn’t speak and I didn’t know what to do because this kid couldn’t hold these pizzas. Then I hear a voice in the back. “Bring dem pizzas here boy!” The kid stretched out his hands to take the pizzas, so I gave them to him.

I was right the pizzas were too heavy and he toppled over. “Don’t you mess my pizza boy! Hurry” the momma called from the back. The kid then got up and dragged the pizzas to what I guess was the bedroom then came back and closed the door.

After that I was done with Hungry Bear that placed just sucked to hard. However I still wasn’t done delivering just yet.


Tales of a Driver: Social Security


Working at the Chicago style grill was great and I made friends with all the workers including the owner and his son. I was allowed to make whatever I wanted I would even take my own orders, make them then deliver them. It was Friday and I received my cash and was about fifteen minutes from leaving when I got a call.

“Chicago style grill J.A. speaking”.

“You haven’t forgotten that you own me have you young man”? Maggie’s voice pierced though me. “No Mrs. Uh Maggie I have not what can I get you?” I stuttered out. “I just want some company don’t worry” she said softly. “Bring me a small cheese pizza and yourself”

Often at the end of the night, I would pay for the delivery out of my own money so I could deliver the food then just go home so this is what I did.

On the way to Maggie’s apartment a queasy feeling came over me, she was pretty attractive for a mid-40 year old but this was to weird. I arrived at her door and she opened it, to my surprise, there was no one else there and she was wearing a housedress, nothing kinky, all normal.

“I’m glad you came, I bet you thought I wanted something else” Maggie chuckled. “I just wanted someone to share my pizza with that’s all” she then got up and grabbed some wine. “What I want to teach you is how to really treat a girl” “Women like to be treated well and they like an adult not a child, someone they can talk to and be with” She then poured me a glass of wine.

I am sure now that I drink wine myself it was a really good wine but at that age it was bitter but strong. “Thank you Mrs. Maggie” sounding like a scared little boy. She told me that she has always been a flirt and that during the war she would meet sailors and such and show them a good time.

The war?! Wait a sec how old is this lady? She then told me that when she moved to Chicago she joined a swingers club and it was fun at first but was a bit to public for her likes. She then started her own “club” with a few select members. She told me she has been doing this for twelve years.

I didn’t even realize we had drunk the whole bottle of wine and finished the pizza. “Do you want to see some pictures” she asked. Then lead me to her bedroom. She showed me pictures of her with all types of different guys and locations, this lady was well traveled.

She put her hand around me and kissed me and told me “I was a good listener” I know I was drunk because I really couldn’t move. She began to make out with me and I was in no condition to stop her, I guess I didn’t really want to either.

She had a good body for her age, again if you have ever seen Christmas with the Kranks think of Jamie Lee Curtis’s body in that movie. I didn’t feel scared anymore, while the term MILF wasn’t used at the time I was in an encounter with one. This is a good thing right?

Then she told me to hold on for a second and grabbed a condom out of the dresser, come to think of it she had tons in there.

Then she took her teeth out.

The war she spoke of was World War 2 meaning she was not 40 something more like 60 something. No matter how much my mind wanted to leave my body could not. I don’t wish to go into any other details and I am sure most don’t want to hear them but needless to say she had her way with me.

She told me I did well but she could help me in a few areas. I told her that I had to go. She then gave me another hundred for the food and told me not to be a stranger. I never heard from her again and was too afraid to look her up. I don’t even want to think what number I was in the line of guys she has “pleasured” but it did happen and I did learn something, never get drunk with a sex crazed old lady.


Tales of a Driver: I’m not the only one who delivers


This story follows up the story, Half the Pizza Double the tip.

I really didn’t want to take sides but they lady did tip better then Jim did so if there is only one person left in that apartment then I guess I rather it be her.

When I got off the elevator I could hear what sounded like a party going on, I walk to the door and rang the doorbell. It was the wife but not just her there were about eight other women in the apartment dressed up in skimpy clothing not quite Victoria secret but close enough.

“I am glad they sent you young man, as you can see my dead beat husband is gone” She invited me in. “You will need to wait a bit because I didn’t order the pizza my friend did she should be in shortly”

The other women were talking and dancing in the living room while I sat in the dining area. The woman came over and sat near me.

“I know this must seam weird to you but girls need to have fun sometimes.”

“I don’t understand Mrs.” She cut me off. “Call me Susan. That pig of a husband just can’t leave me be, do you know he lives on this very floor two door down?”

I tried to say something but was cut off again.

“You know he picked our marriage consoler and that son of a bitch tried to touch me during a private session, I sued his ass and he settled out of court and this is my victory party”

I could tell she was drunk and the dancing desperate housewives were no better. Then the doorbell rang.

“Ah the entertainment is here” Susan opened the door and I almost died.

It was that mid-forties woman with the sex club and she brought friends, all female friends. “Maggie” Susan called out. “Great timing and our delivery boy Is here to.”

She set this up so I would deliver? How? Why? Maggie walked over to me. “So we meet again are you 21 yet?” “No” I answered “I’m 18” she smiled, good enough.

Maggie’s friends went over to the other women in the living room it didn’t take long until they were getting into it. Come with me young man I have my purse in the room” Maggie called to me.

I walked into what I guess was a spare bedroom; Maggie took a hundred dollar bill out of her bag. “Have you ever seen this before” I smiled “Sure lady all the…” she then opened her robe to reveal herself.

“I’ve seen that to…” I can believe I said that. Maggie smiled. “You do remember me. It has been a while and I remember you.” She sat on the bed. “Young men, so inexperienced, I could teach you so much”

She leaned over towards me a put her hand on my leg. “I will give you this hundred if you let me teach you something” She then reached for my belt buckle.

There were three loud bangs on the door. I jumped up like I stole something and opened the bedroom door. All I saw were women and toys and clothes everywhere.

Susan ran to the door and opened it. It was Jim. “What the hell do you want” screamed Susan. “Your party is too loud and I saw that delivery boy here, you little party is over the cops are on their way up”

All the women in a panic began grabbing their clothes and running for cover. Maggie yelled out. “So you’re the bastard Susan told me about” Jim puzzled yelled “Who the fuck are you”? “I” Maggie announced “Am bringing pleasure to your wife something you could never do” Jim looked at me standing in the door way.

“It looks as if you’re trying to pleasure this young boy” Just then the words cops hit my mind again. “Uh I need to get back to the store” Maggie handed me the hundred and said “You own me and I will collect”

I ran out of the apartment and down the stairway, luckily missing the police, but now I was in it. The pizzas only came out to about thirty bucks and now I had this hundred and owed a sex-crazed lady.

I was excited and scared at the same time I had an awesome tip but how long would it be before Maggie called in to collect.


Tales of a Driver: Half the pizza double the tip


If you deliver long enough you can see a lot of weird things, keep in mind the delivery driver is a curious person and they will take notice of things happening in your household.

In my travels, I have noticed that people treat the delivery guy like the room service guy and will do anything in front of them. I have had people answer the door naked, get in fights, have sex, beat their kids, do drugs all in front of me while waiting to get paid for the food.

One Tuesday night I made a delivery to a couple in a nice high rise on the lakefront of Chicago. When I walked up to the door I heard yelling, as I knocked on the door right away a lady opened the door.

“I hope you got my half of the pizza right young man because I tip big for great service unlike Mr. pinch a penny over there” I just stood there puzzled. “The only reason you are so generous with money is because it is mine” said the husband.

I didn’t want to be here any longer so I stepped in. I have a large pizza here half bacon and ground beef half chicken and broccoli. The man smiled and looked at me. “You’re a strong looking young man, tell me, would you really eat broccoli on pizza? Its unnatural like my wife’s weird shaped forehead.

I tried not to make any movements or gestures. “You insensitive prick, this is why I am leaving you, this young man does not need to be involved in this, and besides my toppings are good for you. However Jim (Jim is the husbands name) you are right this young man looks strong and I better he’s “big” as well unlike some “unnaturally small” people I know.

I almost lost it on that one, I felt I needed to stop this and get paid so I chimed in. “I think this pizza as a whole is great it gives two different people two distinctive tastes that you both can enjoy.”

“He sounds like our marriage consoler,” the wife said. Before the husband could speak I shouted out. $14.82! “Uh I mean the charge is 14.82” “7.41” Jim called out. “As I make all the money around here I know how much things cost, here you go young man” He handed me ten bucks.

“A two dollar tip, figures” said the wife “2.59, since that’s about how much you will be making an hour once I’m gone you should get your amounts straight” Jim scoffed.

The wife smiled and handed me a twenty. “Keep the change young man, just as half this pizza is mine so will half of all your shit be Jim!” The two started yelling again as I used ninja vanish to get to the elevator.


Tales of a Driver: Open House

Swingers Club

When I was sixteen I took a job at a restaurant at Chicago called Chicago Style Grill, it was a family owned fast food restaurant that severed every food under the sun from breakfast, lunch and dinner

It was located near the gold coast (rich area) near Lake Michigan so it was a safe small area to deliver. I lucked out because they paid me hourly plus two bucks per delivery and tips. I only worked from 6 to 10pm weeknights and was paid at the end of the night.

About 90% of all the people I delivered to tipped at least two bucks, those that didn’t were easy to handle. I would use my blackness to scare them into tipping me with the look of tip me or I will come back to rob you and they always would tip me well. Granted I didn’t do this to much and most people were very nice to me and I to them.

In the two years I worked there I have seen tons of things. One time I came to the door of the apartment a little boy about 11 answered the door and began talking to me. I told the kid I have his dinner can he get his parents. His dad comes out of nowhere and yells at the kid for leaving his piano vertucopy.com lesson.

He tells me to hold on scoops up the kid and begins spanking him while I am there waiting for the money. Needless to say I felt bad for the kid but my dark side thought it was kind of funny. So the dad finishes and apologizes to me and pays me and I am on my way.

One of the weirdest trips was an order for eight full slabs of ribs to a really upscale fancy apartment tower right on the lakefront. I get to the apartment and hear sex noises coming from inside so I knock on the door and within thirty seconds someone is opening the door.

I just figured maybe it wasn’t sex but a porno I heard. This mid forty year old woman answers the door wearing a silk see through robe. Also she barely tied it at the waist so the top part of the robe was clearly open and she could care less.

Then I noticed I still heard the sex sounds and could smell it in the air. The lady goes “You got here fast, good, I need some food for energy” This lady I must say had a nice body so I doubt she was going to pig out on eight full racks of ribs.

She pulls out a wad of hundreds the bill, was only about 65. “All this membership money, why do I accept hundred dollar bills” she says. “Hold on let me get some smaller money” She opens the door wide and it was like something out of a porno movie.

It was some kind of sex party and in full swing to. About four couples doing the nasty all over this ladies house, the kitchen, the floor, the couch and the balcony. They all looked about late 30s to 40s as well.

When she went in the bedroom I saw one guy just spread eagle on the couch and he looked tired. So she comes back and gives me a hundred dollar and says “keep the change” then she notices the look on my face.

She pulls out a fifty and gives it to me. “You’re still a bit too young for this club, however we do not discriminate, look me up in about five years you can join our newcomers team” Yes she said TEAM!

So I left with a big tip and a big something else and a night I will never forget. The best part is this isn’t the last time I visited her place, but that is a story for another day.

Tales of a driver: The Tailors Tip

the tailor's tip

I worked in the richer area of Chicago so many of the people I delivered to had money. I delivered to this one guy in an awesome house you could tell was custom built for him. He was a heavyset Caucasian man and after about ten deliveries to him he became more friendly and talkative.

He told me he was the owner of three big and tall stores and was a big-man clothing designer and that he would like to higher me to test out clothes for his urban line. I thought it was great, he said he would pay me twenty bucks and hour just to try on clothes and if my picture went into his catalog, he would give me two hundred bucks per picture.

This was too good to be true. About a week later when I was not working I went to his home. He had a studio in the back of the house and a crew was there, a lady took my measurements and another lady picked out a few pieces for me and directed me towards the back.

The shoot went well and I was there about six hours, I realized I couldn’t do it for a living because in those six hours I only tried on ten different outfits and in the end none went to print but he gave me the clothes and paid me for the time.

About three days later, he invited me over again, this time it was just him. Boy his house was nice he had big screen TVs in every room and CD jukebox, pool and everything. He told me he was sorry none of the pictures went to print but said I looked great in the outfits.

I thanked him again then he offered me a drink. Ok this is kind of weird but he is a rich designer and they do things differently I mean it was just a glass of wine. He then offered to pay me a grand to take some pictures just for his collection.

I didn’t want to jump to any conclusions but I told him no thanks I’ll just stick with the original deal. He told me I had a unique body, it was round but with good curves. I didn’t want to go the whole gay designer route but this was creeping me out. He then said I didn’t have to take my clothes off but he would pay me more for underwear shots.

That was it, I had to go, he had a nice house and all but there would not be an indecent proposal here. I told him I had to go and it is best if I just delivered his food and kept it at that. He looked hurt. He told me it wasn’t sexual and he wasn’t even gay. He said designers just think differently and many people don’t understand that. I could have been a star he said but he understood that not everyone is cut out for it.

He thanked me for coming and I left, I still delivered food to him but besides normal small talk, he never said much else however, one time I did see another big guy in there with the photo crew, I wonder if he is a star now.


Tales of a Driver: The Pompous Bitch

Delievery Driver Stories Poster 1

During the summer, I would work extra hours during the afternoon at Chicago style restaurant and help take orders, make food and run the register. Even though we were right on the gold coast of Chicago this was Clark Street and we got all kinds of characters came into the store.

A snooty lady came in one afternoon asking for a burger with no meat on it, so I rang up an order for a single burger and gave her fifty cents off the price. The lady wasn’t happy with that; she told me that the meat is half of the sandwich so she should get half off.

I told the lady we have salads but that’s about it and that considering the burger was only a buck twenty nine, fifty cents off is pretty good. She then got in a huff and said that obviously I do not know how to serve people.

I was to busy for this shit, I told her we are very busy and if you want I will give you double veggies on your burger but that’s it. She then asked for the manager, great call because the manager and I were friends and love to play jokes.

The manager comes out and the lady tears into him about how bad I am and how I should be fired. He then turns to me and says “Well (J.A. Laraque) I have heard enough and you have got to go” the lady had a big smile on her face. “(J.A. Laraque)” the manager said “Show this pompous bitch out” the other people in the store began to laugh and clap as the lady turned red and walked out the door saying “I’ll see this place closed down within a week”

She was all hot air and we never heard from her or anyone trying to close us down.


Dear Dish Network


Dear Dish Network,

Hello. I am not a customer nor do I ever plan to be. Do you want to know why? It is not because your channel lineup sucks and you have less HD channels than local television, it is because of the event I am about to describe.

August 12th – I was sitting down for my weekday dinner which consists of a quarter cup of white rice and two turkey sausages (I am poor and on a diet). My plan was to spend the rest of the night watching television falling asleep to the sweet, sweet sound of Keith Olbermann’s voice. Just as I was taking the first of many unsatisfying bites there was a loud pounding at my door. At first being an African-American, I believed the pounding was the police at my door, but then I realized they would not have bothered to knock.

Setting my bowl to the side I opened the door and a man began speaking to me in Spanish (I live in Miami Florida). I stare at him hoping to scare him away but it does not work. He then began speaking in horribly broken English asking me if I have satellite service. Now while it was getting dark my apartment has a small patio with bright lights shining on a very large dish. You would have to be blind and stupid not to see it. Again I stare at the man bewildered taking a moment to point my eyes towards the dish; he still did not get the hint.

I tell the man I have Direct TV, the best in satellite service, and was about to close the door when he asks am I happy. Am I happy? Let’s see, I am on a diet that sucks ass, I work out everyday just to lose half a pound a week, I have no girlfriend, and my career is going nowhere. So now on a Friday night when I should be out getting tail I am sitting home alone in my shoe box apartment eating bland food only to be interrupted by a man just off the banana-boat asking me if I am happy. I told the man I was very happy.

He proceeded to try to explain to me that he could offer me a better deal. Now maybe I would have listened but my awful food was getting cold plus the mosquitoes were getting in. I told the man I have a ten year contract with Direct TV and if I try to leave they will cut my balls off. I smiled and closed the door and immediately went crying to my bedroom.

About a week later I see my next door neighbor is having a satellite dish put in. I also see the same man installing it. This would not have been an issue except he was installing it on my patio fence. Now I could have complained but I like my neighbors to the extent that if someone was trying to kill me I would hope they would at least dial 911. Because of this I kept quiet and accepted the dish trespassing.

A few hours later I left for the weekend as a storm was coming and I am deathly afraid of rain and lighting. When I returned Monday I found that my satellite service was off. The receiver kept saying searching for a satellite signal. I went and looked at the dish and the wires and found nothing though I admit I wasn’t sure what to look for. Then I called Direct TV and they told me that due to the storm they could not get anyone to me until September 26th. That was over a month later.

Needless to say I was livid. I yelled and screamed and cursed and then unmated the phone because the lady thought I hung up. I begged and pleaded and cried and in the end they told me to suck it up and take it. Now I was about to cancel because I can’t go a day without watching the liberal media and considered calling Dish Network, but then Direct TV offered me three free months of service and a free HDDVR. While deciding what to do I also found out you can watch Countdown on the MSNBC website. It was decided; I would tuff it out and wait until the end of the next month.

Fast forward to September 26th, it was hard and boring but I was able to make it and now I was hours away from having my television back. So the Direct TV guy comes and he speaks great English and goes to work on installing my HDDVR. Then he comes in with a weird look on his face and what he asks me changed my life forever.

“Did you have a Dish Network guy come around here recently?”

The question didn’t make sense. Why would he ask that? I told him yes and asked him why. He smiled and motioned for me to follow him out the door. He then pointed out to me that the cable from my dish to my receiver was cut and it wasn’t an accident. It was high up on the fence and it was cut in a way that unless I physically pulled the wire I would not know it was cut. This was done by an evil, evil godless man who wanted nothing more than to destroy my life.

The Direct TV man told me that this happens sometimes. The Dish Network or Cable guys will come by and offer their services and if you turn them down sabotage your system. He told me to be on the lookout and gave me his personal number to call if it happened again. I would have kissed him if he didn’t look like he would punch me in the face if I did so. I shook his hand and thanked him and ran inside to my bedroom to cry.

Now I am sitting here writing this letter to you to say I hope you die in a fire and then continue burning in that fire once you reach hell. While I got to see my lovely Keith Olbermann on my computer there is no substitute to my 51 inch screen. I feel as if you took a month of my life away and I want it back. I am not sure what to ask for but I would accept the thumbs of the man who did this to me. What will I do if you don’t comply? Nothing, I am too much of a bitch to do anything but write letters during my lunch time at work. I just want you to know you have made a grown man cry…more often than I normally do. You have hurt me more than my prom date that ended up making out with the school janitor. I want you to know I signed a lifetime contract with Direct TV and will tell all my imaginary friends never to order from your company.

Lord Obama will smite you

Fictitiously yours,

J.A. Laraque