Free Stuff – Pure Pwnage

Pure Pwnage logo
Pure Pwnage logo

Pure Pwnage is the show about the “uber gamer”. If you don’t know Jeremy and his friends, you’ve been missing out. The show is about The Pwner, an uber gamer that has no life and is worse than a Korean Gamer. He owns at every kind of game but really shines in RTS games. The show is about Jeremy and his friends and how they deal with being hardcore gamers when all the normal people in the real world try to bring them down. Get a job? WTF. Cooking food, oh you mean crafting food… that kind of stuff.

The link to watch the entire show on hulu the show is http://www.hulu.com/pure-pwnage Click here for the main website of Pure Pwnage.

People are Stupid: Self Checkout Lanes

stupid people

You’ve seen the self-checkout lanes at grocery stores. How many times have you encountered stupid people that cannot do the simplest of tasks. Well we have and we are going to rant about it video style.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqoaRRqVc-s[/youtube]

Fuckin Tea

A lot of people think that drinking alcohol will man you up… Little do they know that only the most hardcore men drink tea, motherfucker, as this video shows.

“I prefer the taste of Pilsner”
“FUCK THAT! TEA!”

This video is brought to you by the brilliant comedy group Upright Citizens Brigade. You can view similar crazy videos over at their youtube channel here.
fuckin tea - Are you man enough?

“Empires will fall, but steam will RISE!”
“I’m tame!”

So many good lines in this one. 😀

Leather Hands: Vertical Lines

Virtal Lines

Sometimes when you create a song you have to think to yourself, how do I market this. I think this video is the best answer as to how to market a so-so song with an awesome video.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hP8nnCqK4gE[/youtube]

 

David Hasselhoff: Don’t Hassel the Hoff

dont-hassle-the-hoff-star-crash-david-hasslehoff-lasers-demotivational-poster

The guys over at 60Frames created this video a few years ago featuring David Hasselhoff during ninja practice and the 80’s retro band, The Boy Cruise.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdKrP4PBJNo[/youtube]

 

Brought to you by: I

You might be too young to know this and it saddens me that I know this so well but back in the day before many television shows they would tell you who their sponsor was. The show would tell you; “This show is brought to you by…” and following that would be some images of some product or company and their tag line.  Well, Obscure Internet is bringing that back internet style with a new series of screen captures that are just a bit off, enjoy.

Crazy Lady with Tide
Tide now with 25% more caffeine and a great new taste!
Sandra Lee - Screencap
Irish Coffee, because if I don’t get blasted I will kill you!
Ref cuffs balls in NFL
Cup inspectors, grabbing your crotch since 1918.
Drugged Girl Screencap
Child Tranquilizers, who says you can’t have peace at home.
Lady licking Bowling Ball
Sex Education, the better you do it the longer he will stay with you.

J.A. Cares: The Banned Bachelor

Unemployment is just too much fun which is why there hasn’t been a new post since like forever. However, as the e-mail inbox continues to stack up (all spam) it’s time to get back to work. Since we are in wedding season I decided to try and help (ridicule) someone who is having a problem with a bachelor party.

Laramie Piton from Tea Party, Texas writes:

I’m going to be married soon and my best man wants to throw me and awesome bachelor party, but my girl is insanely jealous and doesn’t want me to have one without her. Isn’t the point to have one last big fun party before you tie the knot? It’s not like I want to cheat or do anything to piss her off, I just want to have a party with my boys. Is that too much to ask? What should I do J.A.?

How many times do I have to tell you? Marriage is like buying an American car, it’s been drilled into you that you should do it, but it sucks and you will regret it in the end. I guess it is too late for that advice, you are getting married, but let’s address what we can shall we?

If you feel jealous something is wrong with YOU?

Why won’t women get that men have to look at other women. First of all it is like the sun is to Superman, it gives us strength and though some men will fly toward it most of us know it’s best to observe from a distance. Every time you flip out on your man over looking it is more likely he will start touching.

Second we look for several reasons, but a few of the top reasons are because:

  1. She has something you don’t
  2. She’s doing something you won’t
  3. She’s breathing

Number three you can’t help, but if your man likes looking at a firm body then maybe you should firm up. However, this goes both ways guys. If you are looking at a firm body and you are a bowl of jello then you are just window shopping, which is fine, just realize you can’t afford what you are looking at.

The road to failure

Simply put, if your girlfriend is going crazy over a bachelor party then you have a long hard road ahead of you. First off, the bachelor party is a time honored tradition. Honestly it is kind of stupid because you are almost admitting marriage sucks the life out of you which is why you have to enjoy one last night out as if you are going to jail or something.

If younger women dancing around you and causing you embarrassment and a mild erection burns her up inside that much then you have a drama queen on your hand. Symptoms of a drama queen include:

  1. Thinking everything is about her
  2. Keeping you from doing things then doing it herself
  3. Crying over stupid shit
  4. Whining and complaining a lot
  5. Playing the victim
  6. Unrealistic expectations

The last one is killer because in her mind she has already mapped out everything and you will fail to live up to it. This starts with denying you a bachelor party and next thing you know you are having a scientology wedding with a Tom Cruise look-a-like as your minister.

Ball searching

Men have lost the middle ground. We seem to have two levels now, complete pussy and raging abusive asshat. There has to be a middle ground where we make our opinions clear and stand up for what we want. You must search for your balls and even if you find them in her heart shaped box you can still reattach them. If you don’t do this now you will end up hating yourself and her in the end.

On the flipside, don’t be a hypocrite. If she wants to go to Chippendales or whatever then you can’t turn all emo on her. Communication is key, you can do it now or when your divorce lawyers meet, the choice is yours.

Still on Vacation

I hope to help more of you saps, but until Obama kicks me out of his house I’m going to continue chillaxing in his basement. Keep the e-mails coming, I’ll be back in another six months.

My Favorite Ventrilo Harassments

The Internet and Real Life are two different things
The Internet and Real Life are two different things

My Favorite Ventrilo Harassments by Honorabili

Need a good laugh? Check out these videos to show clever pranks done on fellow & noob gamers by the Ventrilo Harassment experts!

I love a good prank as some of my favorite victims already know… Onto the videos!

Ventrilo Harassment – Tina & The WoW Nerds

The girl sounds so cute…

…but sometimes stupid at the same time. So many great lines such as “Thank God she’s gone so now I don’t have to talk in a deep voice.”

Ventrilo Harassment – Chris Hansen 2

You might not be able to control your “horny level” …

…but it is terrible sexy.

Ventrilo Harassment – Duke Nukem Style

“I’ve got balls of steel!”

The best is how the lady just complete snaps! “I don’t think your mother’s very happy about it!” The classic: “I’ll kill you OLD STYLE!”

Ventrilo Harassment – Peggy Forever

In fact, the mom comes back as a ghost to forever haunt Ventrilo Harassment victims. 😀

“Um, Ma’am! This is my vent server.”

Ventrilo Harassment – The Girl

“There’s a girl on our vent server.”

“It may be against the rules to mute a chick.”

Ventrilo Harassment – World Of Warcraft Nerd

“4 Strength, 4 Stam Leather Belt!”

“It sounds just like Joe! (angry) No, it’s not!!”

Ventrilo Harassment – World Of Warcraft Nerd 3

What this kid says kills me…

Kids say the craziest things. “Dude, my mom got me this new game.”

Ventertainment – 1337 haxz0rz

“I got this kid’s credit card info. LUL!”

“I got his IP!” “I got this kids LUL!”

Ventrilo Harassment – Your Mother

Of course, we need to have one with Arnold.

I like it when at least they play along.

Ventrilo Harassment – You Banned The Wrong Person!

Of course, it’s easy to get confused especially when being pranked by one of the experts…

Like in this one where they punished the innocent. 😀

Ventertainment – Nerds of Confusion

“That’d be fucking hot!”

I like how one of the players thought he was hearing things from drinking too much. 😀

Ventertainment – Nerd Confusion 2: Awesome Edition

Funny how nerdy people sound sometimes and to have to hear that crap over and over…

So whiny!

Ventertainment – Nerd Confusion 3: The Ring

This one is probably one of the funniest ones because they have no freaking clue as to what’s going on. They just keep having fun with it though and that makes it great!

Their explanations are epic, such as getting feedback from outer space, aliens, etc. Good fun!

Ventertainment – Mad As Hell

So great that they used the best lines from Network, which these kids have never seen…

“You’ve got to get mad!” The ending is so great!

Ventertainment – Halloween 3

The use of music and slowed down voices is great in this one!

The girl gets so scared by her own voice. Ah yes!

Ventertainment – Sticky Keys

I love how people just keep thinking stuff crashes without getting any messages and other people trying to provide shitty tech support.

“It keeps saying *DUN DUN DUN DAH*”

Ventertainment – Bubb Rubb

Love the noobs…

“The whistle goes WOO WOO!”

***

Well kids, that’s enough bullshit for today! Enjoy, laugh, be merry, keep gaming, and get pranked!

Good Friday Fuck Yea

It’s a long Easter Weekend. So Good Friday is a extra special Fuck Yea kinda day.

See there rest of the series here.

Guitar Hero Fuck Yea

After Eight Fuck Yea

Bitches Like Smart Guys Fuck Yea

Obi-Wan Kenobi Fuck Yea

Acid inspires Art Fuck Yea

Spit Gum Fuck Yea

Loan Denied Fuck Yea

Fuck Yea

Fat Half Life 2 Gamer Fuck Yea

Dog Shits On Command Fuck Yea

Fuck iPhone Fuck Yea

Nintendo 64 Fuck Yea

Candlejack Fuck Yea

Sleeping In Fuck Yea

Random Math Answer Fuck Yea

Candlejack Fuck Yea

Doing Laundry Fuck Yea

Real Life Troll Fuck Yea

Super Mario Bros Fuck Yea

Mario Kart Fuck Yea

Free Stuff – Zombo.com, where you can do anything

You can do anything at Zombo.com!
You can do anything at Zombo.com

Free Stuff – Zombo.com, where you can do anything

Would you like to do anything? Wait… you don’t know zombo.com?!!!

Whether it be global domination, baking a cake, shooting lasers, training hookers, etc. zombo.com let’s you do it all. True story!

What are you waiting for?! Click here to go to zombo.com!

J.A. Cares: Whats the Matter with Kids

With the re-launch of the Obscure Internet website and the fact that management told me I would not be getting a raise this year. I with all my heart and dedication to my craft present the adoring public with yet another J.A. Cares.

Tilley McNeal from Ainsworth, Nebraska writes:

I have come across your words after discovering THE INTERNETS and this thing called THE GOOGLE. Using THE GOOGLE I have found many disturbing things. I was prepared for the pornography and the hate speech, we get that in Ainsworth all the time, but what I was not prepared for was the children.

It was not just what comes out of the mouths of children, but what they subject themselves to and participate in. How long has this been going on? We have kids with pants hanging off them, tattoos on little girls and buying beer and cigarettes over THE INTERNETS?

Won’t somebody please think of the children!

I don’t know what exactly you want me to tell you Maude Flanders, but first let me inform you it is called the INTERNET, not, the INTERNETS, and it is GOOGLE, not, THE GOOGLE. This will help keep THE HACKERS from stealing YOUR MEGAHERTZ.

As a side note, it is GIGABYTE as in with a G not a J, it is not JIGABYTE people. Jay Z had nothing to do with this.  With that said on to the children.

Exploring what exactly?

Please take note of this photo. dora1.jpg For anyone who doesn’t know is Dora the Explorer. She is a cute little girl who explores and helps people with her pet monkey, Boots and the reoccurring antagonist, Swiper the Fox.  It was all in good fun which meant most people did not care about it.

As with most things there has to be a revamp and with that comes Dora 2 Dora Electric Boogaloo. Now personally I don’t see a big deal, but she is being upped to age sixteen and moving to the city.

People are calling her Dora the Whorer now because they believe giving her a sexier look and moving to the big city with a monkey is… well, maybe they are onto something. I wonder what she will be exploring in the city. Perhaps she can help lost hookers and Boots can become a pimp? I have to wonder what Swiper will be swiping now, purses, cars, virginities.

Honestly, I think people are just going overboard as they always do. However, I guess I can understand being a bit paranoid about their children considering how they can find so many ways to find inappropriate stimulation. This brings us to:

The Broom they didn’t want her to use:

Like crack Harry Potter and all things having to do with the franchise is very addictive to children and young teens. There are tons of merchandise to buy from ear wax candy to tons of books that makes this writer very jealous. There is one toy however that ended up keeping more kids in their room by themselves than World of Warcraft.

I present: The Nimbus 2000 – nimbus.jpg It is not bad enough that the name was stolen from The Jetsons, but this broom which is used in the books and the movies ended up causing a ton of controversy with parents all around the globe.

Let me just give you the description of this toy for kids.

Kids can now “fly” a Nimbus 2000 broomstick just like the members of their favorite Quidditch team. A replica of the broom Harry uses in the movie Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, the Nimbus 2000 features a grooved stick and handle for easy riding. Enhancing the excitement are the vibrating effects and magical swooping and whooshing sounds the broom makes when on. Sounds can also be activated when the switch is set in standby mode. Requires three AA batteries

Now before we continue let’s look at some of the reviews on the product:

My 12 year old daughter is a big Harry Potter fan, and loved the part with the Nimbus 2000, so I decided to buy her this toy. I was afraid she would think it was too babyish, but she LOVES this toy. Even my daughter’s friends enjoy playing with this fun toy. I was surprised at how long they can just sit in her room and play with this magic broomstick! A great buy for any Harry Potter fan! 🙂

So what we have here is a broom that girls seem to like more than boys, even older girls like it. Now why do you think that was? Could it possibly be the VIBRATING ACTION? It did not take long for one parent to catch on:

This toy was #1 on my daughter’s Christmas list. So what the heck, although it has no educational value I figured it would be good for imaginative play. It wasn’t until after she opened her gift and started playing with it that I realized that the toy may offer a more than sensational experience. The broomstick has cute sound effects and ***VIBRATES*** when they put it between their legs to fly. Come on—what were the creators of this toy thinking? She’ll keep playing with the Nimbus 2000, but with the batteries removed.

Taking out the batteries on the Nimbus 2000 is like allowing your boyfriend to bring another girl into the bedroom but he does not get to touch her. By I digress.

What does all this mean?

Remember in Jurassic Park when they said, nature will find a way? Well, kids will find a way to do whatever the hell they want to. I say just don’t have them, but then again I hate the world. I mean they created all kinds of excuses for horrible children from A.D.D. to A.D.H.D to authoritative disorder and restless leg syndrome.

When I was a kid it was called acting up and the cure was a smack to the back of the head, but now that’s abuse and so the terrorists have won. Kids shop at stores called Flirt and get tramp stamps at age thirteen and you wonder why the world is going to end in 2012?

I take a line from the movie Armageddon and will say, embrace the horror and if you can, avoid the most deadly STD in human history, K.I.D.S.

J.A. Cares: MySpace Angles

MySpace Angles Motivational Poster

It is 2009; we have a black president, a black head of the RNC and a black attorney general. If you did not know this, these three things are the signs of the apocalypse and our end will come soon (2012), but before that time comes, I, your black internet physiatrist, J.A. Laraque am here to care and continue helping the fans of Obscure Internet with any and all issues.

Kandy Preston from Chicago Illinois writes:

Dear J.A.,

My name is Kandy and even though my name sounds sweet finding a date has left me with a sour taste in my mouth. This is my problem. I don’t like to get out so I do my dating online. I try not to be superficial, but I have run into too many men who take pictures of themselves using MySpace angles.

In case you don’t know what a MySpace angle is, it is when you take a picture to hide your fat and ugly. My question to you is why people can’t be honest about their body and their looks. It’s bad enough you don’t know much about people you meet online besides their picture and now their pictures are not a true representation of themselves.

J.A. can you tell me how wide spread this is? Are all these pictures doctored? Is there any truth on the internet?

First let me just say that most girls I know named Kandy are either hookers or really, really….large. Anyway, to answer your question, no, there is no truth on the internet. The internet, like the cake, is a lie.

I myself was unaware of MySpace angles until setup on a date. I learned that the camera can be used to deceive, not only others, but the opinions of the people in the picture. You can take enough of these pictures to where you look at them and think you look good, but you would be sadly mistaken.

Personally, I have seen people make a dating profile using an old picture and truly it sucks especially when it is clearly an old picture. When you see one of those old Motorola brick phone in the background and you are not in some cell phone museum it’s time to update those pictures.

Also, I have come across people whose main profile picture is a head shot but their additional pictures show the body. It’s not quite bait and switch, but I figure it’s best to just let people know what you look like up front. Perhaps these people feel happy that someone clicked on their profile even if only to be shocked when they look at their additional pictures. It’s like that website that tells you to stare at a blank screen then it plays a loud scream scaring the crap out of you.

I wish I had some good news for you Kandy but alas I do not. The internet is full of fail and honestly if you are searching it looking for a date then most likely you are also full of fail. The best thing to do is look at yourself in the mirror, preferably naked. If you feel like you are about to vomit then you should not be concerned about MySpace angles since you are in fact one yourself.

However, if you are hot, for god sakes get off the internet and hit the bar like the rest of humanity. See in the bar there are MySpace angles too, the difference is these angles hide things like financial debt, lack of an education and personality and their STD’s

Have fun!

P.S. I just realized your name is Kandy and you said sour taste in your mouth. I had a great joke to use, but Obama told me to be nice.

J.A. Cares: Suing McDonalds

I have received hundreds (5) of e-mails regarding the J.A. Cares initiative. I feel a joy in my heart that goes all the way down to my bowels about the positive responses I have received. While I did not do this for my personal pleasure or gain, I have to admit this feeling ranks up there with taking a piss in a dark alley when you really needed to go.

Today issue comes from Phillip Sherman of Fayetteville, Arkansas.

J.A. I need your help. I just learned about your care program and I could use some help since you dealt with that lady and her i-phone photo issue. Here is the story. My wife sent me nude pictures of herself to my phone. After wanking to it I got hungry and went to my local McDonalds. I must have left my phone on the counter while taking my tray to the seat and I didn’t notice it was gone until I got home.

So, I returned to the McDonalds and they couldn’t find it. I was upset, but was willing to deal with it. Two weeks later my wife screams out from the bedroom. This was unusual because I wasn’t in there with her. I run in to find her on the bed with our laptop crying. It turns out her pictures got posted on the internet and worst yet, it had all her personal information as well.

Needless to say life since then has sucked major ass. She received so many sick text messages and phone calls we had to cancel our phone. It was like 4chan and Sarah Palin all over again except this time with dildos. Yeah, that’s right; they got our home address and sent us anonymous packages with things like anal lube and dildo’s. In the end we had to move and go underground like we were in witness protection.

My question to you J.A. is this. I want to sue McDonalds for ruining my life. How much should I sue them for? I’m thinking eleventy billion dollars.

Thank you for your e-mail Phillip,

You have a number of issues here, so, I will try to address them all. The first thing is, eleventy is not a real word. While it was used in an awesome Saturday Night Live skit it is not a real word. For years now I have petitioned to have it added to the dictionary, but alas, my efforts have failed.

Your second major issue is you still eat at McDonalds. Honestly unless you are sixteen and broke or if you are high you should not eat at McDonalds. Honestly, if you are high White Castle is a much better option.

Third, wanking to your wife should be a federal crime. Even if your wife is hot and judging by the fact you live in Arkansas and eat at McDonalds I doubt she is. One should never wack-off to their wife because it sends a message that you are thinking about her more than you have to and that is just wrong. Be a man like the rest of us and jerk it to those free thirty second clips of porn on the internet.

Finally, never look a gift horse in the mouth. You are getting free dildos and other porn related accessories. Do you even know how much people pay for that kind of stuff? Anal lube is like oil, you can never have too much. Porn paraphernalia is expensive. For example my real doll costs….sorry….my editor told me not to speak about my real doll.

My advice to you is, find a local television station and get them to put your story on the air. Next you send a lawyer over to McDonalds and get them to pay you a few million dollars even though this is completely your fault. They paid the coffee spilling lady so they will pay you. Next, dump your wife claiming she cheated on you with one of the people who saw her picture. Finally, cash the check and open your own porn site where you paid sexy women to take bad camera phone pictures and upload them. You can claim they are stolen and rake in the cash because at heart most of us are perverted bastards.

Also, five percent goes to me for the idea.

P.S. Make it ten percent, Obscure-Internet wants their cut too.