Hansisland 31

Gearing up for 2007… Its going to be great!

Would you like to leave a message for miss Hilton? What a waste of organic matter.

Colonic, hydrotherapy. Arse-wash; whatever you call it its just like coffee and Danish.

Bill Wood playing rock and roll again – tell Bill he’s great at wood.william@gmail.com

[audio:http://hansisland.mypodcasts.net/get.php?web=hansisland-2006-12-22-78023.mp3]

Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyell-llantysiliogogogoch
How do you spell Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch ?

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyell-llantysiliogogogoch

Even people who live in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch, knowns as Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogochians, spell Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch without the extra E, although Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch without the E is now acceptable, I prefer the more traditional Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyell-llantysiliogogogoch, it has a better ring to it, indeed when I spoke to the Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogochians at the Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch annual meeting of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogochians we debated whether Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyell-llantysiliogogogoch should be used instead of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch but the Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogochians eventually rejected it in favour of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch because Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyell-llantysiliogogogoch was too much of a mouthful.

Astropath
I have recently killed an astronaut. (My first.) Everything went wonderfully and the body has been properly disposed of, but now I’m worried because I don’t feel the least bit of remorse. I think this is strange, because they weren’t even Asian. Is this lack of self-reproach normal? What was it like for you the first time? – Francaise.

Ahh, you truly are a scientist after my own heart, emotional detachments a crucial character trait of any great scientist, how could I perform open heart surgery on a puppy, without anaesthetic (to prove my theory that puppies who undergo open heart surgery without anaesthetic will die) if I got all soppy and cried about it? Minds of gods, hearts of stone is my motto.

My first Astronaut(s) fatality came about when I was testing new material for the fuel lines on space shuttles, I was convinced that papier-mâché would be ideal for the ultra high pressure and temperatures endured during the take off sequence, sadly, this time, I was mistaken. On the plus side there was no hassle in disposing of the bodies as the resulting explosion scattered there remains over several continents.

Dog or Cat?
Would I be better investing in dog biscuits or cat biscuits with my life savings?

Economofication of Dog and Cat biscuit has long been the preserve only of Kings, like gold and diamonds Dog and Cat biscuits never reduce in value, however I predict that the inevitable collapse of the American food economy will send the dog biscuits on a downward spiral that it may never recover from. I am of course basing this on the fact that when Burger King and McDonalds go to the wall Americans will turn to their best friend as their new source of meat. Cats will survive as they are sneaky little fuckers.

So, in short, buy Cat Biscuit, Sell Dog Biscuit..

Emmision Danger :
Do you know a way, using your vast knowledge, to work out how many plants I’d need growing in my house to counteract the carbon dioxide emmisions the car I drive.

Why on Earth would you want to do that? The greater harm you doing is not polluting the Air, no sir, it is the rubber deposits that are left by your tyres on the road. Think about it, you replace 4 tyres ever year, each loses about 3mm of tread, Average circumference of a tyre is 1000mm and the average width is 200mm, that’s 3x1000x200x4=2400000 cubic mm of rubber per car per year. In the UK alone that is 48000000000 Cubic Meters of rubber covering our roads ever year (3*1000*200*4*20000000/1000)

After 10 years there will be enough rubber on UK roads alone to sexually satisfy 3 Tory MPs. And once their thirst’s have been satiated they will move on to other thing such as starting a nuclear war!

So, in conclusion, the scientists are right, the car will cause the end of the world. But not how they think

Shabba! If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.  

WASPS = Evil Little Feckers!

Argh, waspsWhy I hate wasps, well, where do I start….my first encounter with the vicious, stripey, buzzing, horrible little shits, was when I was 3 years old, innocently sitting in a wheelbarrow (as you do), eating an apple, and the cunning little demon stung me on the hand!!!  Well, being the brave little soldier that I was in those days, I errr, screamed, and screamed, and well, screamed.  My horrified mother, who at this point, thought I was at the very least, being molested by the devil or savaged by the local stray dog, came running frantically to my rescue, and, as you did in those days, whisked me off to the only neighbour who happened to also be a nurse, and what did she prescribe, of everything…???  Only flaming vinegar, OUCH!!!!!  I resolved there and then to put the whole horrible incident behind me, however, my mother has a lasting memento in that she took a photo approximately 3 minutes before this horrific attack, in which, not only the wheelbarrow features, but also the sinful apple that caused my downfall on this occasion….still makes me shudder to this day!

The years progressed, and thankfully, although I encountered my demons regularly, I managed to avoid the venomous sting!  Until, that is, my incredibly selfish teacher (I was 10 by this time) was called out of class on an emergency and my class were forced to join the other class of our year for the rest of the afternoon.  Obviously, the teacher, being rather lazy and not wanting to actually teach a class double the size she was used to, set us an exercise, to which I dedicated my full attention.  Five minutes into the exercise, I feel an itch just below my right kneecap.  Of course, concentrating fastidiously on the exercise in question, wanting to do my best, I reach down with my right hand and scratch said itch rather ferociously……ouch!!!  One of the little feckers had stung me right in the middle of my index finger!!!!  So violent an attack was this, that the cretin was actually stuck in my finger, at which point I was extremely pissed off so preceded to slam the little shite against the desk repeatedly.  Although victory was mine and the demon was indeed dead, in this instance, this impromptu action caused the sting to lodge rather deeper than normal into my skin.  One hour, and lots of painful tweezer action later, the sting was dislodged and I was sent home with a throbbing, swelling finger.

Although I have since managed to avoid the evil “sting” since that last incident, it does not stop me from making a complete and utter fool of myself, especially during the summer months, when beer gardens are the venues of choice.  For example, I meet my now boyfriend, roughly 4 years ago, he takes me for a nice drive into the Yorkshire Dales and we stop off at the picturesque village of Masham, lovely I hear you cry, and yes, it was indeed.  A couple of drinks purchased and a seat secured at one of the best tables in the beer garden, alas, no sooner than 5 minutes after settling down with our drinks, and one of the feckers mounts an attack!!!!  Okay, I can hear you all say, just calm down and ignore the beast, but no, the inner phobia kicks in and I, well, kick off, litteraly…..and go head over heels off the bench, surprising the whole entire beer garden, including the new boyfriend, with a massive flash of pants as I topple over, feet over head, off the most prominent table within eyeshot!!

I could go on, like the time I trusted aforementioned boyfriend when he promised to fend off any similar attacks while on a lovely summer time trip to Harrogate, only to be confronted with the horrifying realisation that he lied to me, when, sitting on the blossoming village green, eyes held tightly shut, pint of stella held firmly to my chest, low and behold, for the first time in almost 20 years, the little fuckers infiltrated my security system and ended up crawling up my arm…!!!!  (Boyfriend had slunk off at least 10 metres away from me and “the attack”)!

So, if like me, you hate the wicked wappies, lets get a campaign in progress to rid the planet of the evil little buzzers, I mean, God says every creature is here for a reason, but I challenge anyone to come up with an excuse to maintain their existence any longer…..??

Refugee, Scots, Darkies, and Danish Women.

Hi, My name is Olderrant and I live in a small village in Yorkshire, England.

I’m tired of all the do-gooders and all this Political Correctness gone mad, and I’m getting angrier as I get older.

I’m in a complete rage with this communist government. Vote them out at the earliest opportunity (before they give your vote to some lesbian Pakistani asylum seeker).

I have a view on lots of matters especially the ones that I read in the Daily Mail but don’t have any effect on me.

Refugee angers judge, and rightly so!British Justice

A judge questioned Government policy yesterday after he heard how an asylum seeker dropped a crisp packet which went on to miss the bin and land on the floor

The judge said Klodjen Mela, 19, from Kosovo, would not have been able to tarnish the image of Britain if he had been in custody “as he ought to have been”.

The judge then jailed Mela for 10 years and recommended that he be deported when his sentence was completed

Hanging is too good for him, I say.

Scottish People smellA majority of voters back the break-up of the United Kingdom

A possible majority of voters in both Scotland and England probably back the break-up of the United Kingdom, according to a poll in Daily Mail

The Sooner the better, I say.

No apology

Prime Minister Tony Blair has said he feels “deep sorrow” for Britain’s role in the slave trade. In an article for the New Nation newspaper, the prime minister said it had been “profoundly shameful”.

But Mr Blair stopped short of issuing a full apology, which some commentators have demanded.

The government is reportedly setting out its plans for next year’s bicentenary of the abolition of the slave trade.

Esther Stanford, of the Pan African Reparation Coalition, said all countries that had ever been involved in slavery should give a full apology.

“An apology is just the start – words mean nothing,” she told BBC News.

She said: “If we do not deal with this now it is tantamount to saying that you can commit crimes against humanity, against African people and get away with it.”

Take a look at Africa now, Ms Stanford, the darkies do more damage to each other than anyone else ever did, infact you should would be better being slaves again.

Bugger off, and make me a cup of Tea, I say.

TartDanish ad makes road safety sexy

Danish road safety officials have come up with a novel way of warning motorists about the dangers of speeding – by using topless blonde women.

They have produced a spoof news report where the blondes carry road signs showing the Danish speed limit: 50km/h.

The video – posted on the web – is aimed at grabbing the attention of young male drivers, but feminists say they hate it.

Well they would, wouldn’t they, they should get off the roads and back in the kitchen, but put some clothes on you might burn yourselves, I say.

Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Moaning about her job again
Why haven’t I got a job yet?

The job situation is a puzzler, an obviously bright women such as yourself should have no trouble getting a job, perhaps sub-consciously you hate yourself? There are several techniques you can employ to out fox your subconowoman, for example if you are going to a job interview you really want, convince yourself that it will be the worst job in the world and you would hate it, Subconowoman would instantly turn on all the correct taps in your head to ensure that you would land your job.

Phyisologistical people call this reverse science.

Dog pee
Why will my dog not pee in the garden when it’s raining, it’s not like it’s going to spoil his hair or anything..?!?!?!

I have conducted an experiment involving over 200 dogs and everyone has had no problem urinating in the rain, this leaves me to the inevitable conclusion that your dog is broken, the cost of fixing a dog is immense so I suggest immediate termination and buy a new one, I would give you one of my test dogs but unfortunately due to international science law every dog I tested had to be thrown into a furnace.

Sleepy Time
Why does it feel so good to wake up two hours before your alarm in the morning and go back to sleep? Why don’t I feel tired at all at 5:00am but after two extra hours sleep I’m knackerd and why does it feel so good to wake up 3 hours early and realise you have another 3 hours in bed and it still feels good when you wake up every 10 mins afterwards, counting down the hours/minutes you have left, only to wake up utterly knackered when you do actually HAVE to get up???

Ah the old “When I wake up early I do not feel tired at all but after another 2 hours sleep I feel knackered” chestnut.

No matter how many times you wake up during the night there will only be one “Get out of bed and not go back to sleep wake up time” this is known in sleepscience terms as the GOOBANSAW theory, milliseconds before GOOBINSAW your body will allocate 98.9% of the energy it created/stored during the night to vital area’s of your body such as your makifus-breathicus muscle.

There is no way to fool this mechanism, and even if there was you would not want to, many doctors believe that most coma victims are in that state because they have damaged their GOOBANSAW lobe.

Dice man
When I roll a dice (I know it’s the wrong word), is it simply a random chance of each number giving me the one it eventually lands on or is there more to it?

I used to think it was random, indeed I used the method to determine which of my 6 monkeys would be used to test the strength of steel verses monkey bone, however after reading your question I decided to test it out.

After one million throws and meticulous recording of the data I have the answer, read the data if you dare, it literally speaks for itself.

512,851 Heads
488,148 Tails
1 Edge

Wiki-Wiki Wild Wild West. If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

It’s your Email

Welcome to “It’s your email”, it been a while but we are back this time with 100% percent real whinging email.

Annoying blog
I author a weblog called:- http://www.elderrant.blogspot.com And it would appear i have upset one of your members somehow. So much so that he threatens to harm me.

Why he should wish to harm me i have no idea,maybe he disagrees with my political stance. Whatever his beef, i do not take threats lightly.

What are your forum moderators views on members making threats? Do they condone it? Do they tolerate threats being made.

I would like to know your policy about members conduct before i take further action

Regards,
Elderrant

Ed- Dear Mr Rant,

Thanks you for bring this complaint to out attention. We take all these complaints very seriously.

After speaking with our legal department viewing the comments you have sent, we can see no threats made against you, only vague wishes to do you slight harm in a strangely homoerotic fashion.

Fortunately wishing to do something isn’t illegal, I mean if it was I would not be able to think about defecating into the mouth of a dead Margret Thatcher.

Hugs and Kisses
ObscureInternet.com

If you any comments or questions, please send them to Itsyouremail@Obscureinternet.com

Scambaiter – I am an Autobot, Peter. You can trust me.

You remember Peter? Sure you do, we talked about Jesus and Iraq while he tried to get money out of me. Well yet again he is back, and trying to bribe an Autobot with his dirty gold.

[17:27] peter_mensah20: hello
[17:28] c64glen: Hello
[17:28] peter_mensah20: how are u my good friend
[17:28] c64glen: I am the most awesome person in the whole of western interwebs
[17:29] c64glen: and you are you my space friend!
[17:29] peter_mensah20: yes i can see
[17:30] c64glen: excellent
[17:30] peter_mensah20: yes my dearline when will u came to ghana
[17:31] c64glen: Oh, That is a good question. Where is ghana again?
[17:31] peter_mensah20: west african
[17:31] c64glen: so it’s still on Earth?
[17:32] peter_mensah20: yes why
[17:32] c64glen: thought it might have been damaged in the Cybertronian wars, but not that is good.
[17:37] peter_mensah20: my father died during the war and
[17:37] c64glen: did he? Curse those Decepiticons!
[17:38] peter_mensah20: and he live me some consignment which i willlike umy good friend to help me
[17:38] c64glen: ah I understand… is it Energon?
[17:39] peter_mensah20: this consignment contain a lot of gold
[17:39] peter_mensah20: GOLD
[17:40] c64glen: ah, ok. GOLD
[17:40] c64glen: the postman is going to love delivering that.
[17:40] peter_mensah20: yes, so i will like u to help me ok, so that i can get thos goods ok
[17:41] c64glen: so how can I help, I’m millions of miles away
[17:41] c64glen: on the moon
[17:43] peter_mensah20: ok
[17:43] c64glen: so how can I help?
[17:43] c64glen: I can send cheese
[17:43] peter_mensah20: u will stand as my foregn benefit ok
[17:43] c64glen: BRILLIANT
[17:44] peter_mensah20: and i will disopoat the thing to ur conutry ok and u will manager tham until i cmes to ur conutry ok
[17:44] c64glen: ok, do you have a space bridge? for the transit?
[17:45] peter_mensah20: yes
[17:45] c64glen: are you ok? you fingers appear to be on upside down. you are typing like this…: helo my na,mdioe is the sforegein tuekry for the moon plewase sned money now
[17:46] peter_mensah20: so can u help me my good friend
[17:47] c64glen: of course, I took a vow when I joined the Autobots to help all life.
[17:47] peter_mensah20: thank
[17:48] c64glen: don’t thank me thank our fearless leader Optimus Prime!
[17:49] peter_mensah20: my lawyer will like to know ur full name ane ur phone number so that he can all u and let u know all the doucment which will help he two of as ok
[17:49] c64glen: your lawyer? What is his name?
[17:50] peter_mensah20: mr moses
[17:51] c64glen: Like the Bible?
[17:51] c64glen: WoOWOWOowowo! Can he part the sea?
[17:51] c64glen: does he have a big beard?
[17:51] peter_mensah20: i am not hear to joke ok
[17:51] peter_mensah20: i will liketohave ur number ok
[17:51] c64glen: hey, don’t fucking push me.
[17:52] *** You have been disconnected. Mon Dec 11 17:52:11 2006.

Always leave them wanting more.

HansIsland 30

Extending the shelf life of soft fruit? Why would you use a pyramid… maybe its too organic hmm.
Jesper Rasmussen in England protesting against animal testing.
Vasectomy, chopperation, male sterilisation; whatever you call it it hutrs like hell.
Haven’t podcasted for a month because my testicles hurt.

[audio:http://hansisland.mypodcasts.net/get.php?web=hansisland-2006-12-08-74789.mp3]

Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Kabloom
Why do explosions always go upwards?

The direction of a blast is totally dependant on which way up the bomb is. All bombs, since Crimean War are constructed to be bottom heavy, much like a weable, or an egg with lead in its base so they all ways face upwards.

The reason they face upwards is purely aesthetical, a downward facing bomb looks shit when it goes off, imagine lighting a sparkler and then shoving it in the dirt sparkly end first. Does not look goodl does it?

Just for me and my dog.
Why is kiora to orangy for crows?

Crows are Orangatically Intolerant, a mere whiff of orange peel will send the crow into a deadly anaphylactic shock. Hence the phrase “As the crow flies” which is a direction immediately opposite the nearest orange grove.

Lubricating babies
How many babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil? more to the point, what is baby oil actually used for? Do babies need lubricating? Do they often squeek when they move appendages?

Haha! Baby oil is not made of babies, well not baby human’s, you see its made from puppies, but they could hardly market it “Puppy Oil” who would buy something as sick as that.But onto your main point, I can tell you are not a paediatrician as you would already know that baby oil is vital in stemming the grow of babies, if you do not smother a baby in rendered puppy fat then they would grow to gargantuan proportions, have you not seen “Honey I Blew up the Baby”? imagine that on a world wide scale, millions of 50 feet babies shitting all over the world.

An Apocalyptic thought indeed my friend.

Bmwanker
Are all BMW drivers wankers?

No no, quite a few of them are merely cunts.

Embarrassed lobsters
Do lobsters giggle if tickled in just the right way? if so, what is the correct way to tickle a lobster?

I hired several professional ticklers to ascertain if a lobster could be made to giggle, unfortunately it appears that these tasty crustaceans can only chuckle, and even then it appeared that they only did this out of embarrassed politeness, we were able to elicit a genuine scream when we boiled them alive.

OI, OI! If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

Scambaiter – you are disrespecting my cats memory

Cythia contacted me a number of times, she wanted to me to be an ‘agnet’ and help her transfer some money, but I had some concerns about her choice of bank.

[00:28] cythia_williams2002: hello……………………..care to be our agnet/10% intrested should pm me. hello……………………..care to be our agnet/10% intrested should pm me.
[00:29] c64glen: whats an agnet?
[00:30] cythia_williams2002: helping us to be recieving payment from our client
[00:30] c64glen: who is us and who is client?
[00:31] cythia_williams2002: i mean our customer’s that in uk
[00:31] c64glen: Can you assure me that this has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese Mafia?
[00:31] cythia_williams2002: nope
[00:31] c64glen: why not?
[00:32] cythia_williams2002: it not a japanese mafia
[00:32] c64glen: are you selling arms to communist or terrorists?
[00:33] cythia_williams2002: nop
[00:33] c64glen: I’ve never forgiven ETA for blowing up my cat
[00:33] cythia_williams2002: what that?
[00:34] c64glen: when me cat was on holiday in spain it was envolved in a terrorist incident in spain, which resulted his death
[00:34] cythia_williams2002: who is yr cat plz
[00:36] c64glen: my cat. a feline
[00:37] cythia_williams2002: u mean a pussycat?
[00:37] c64glen: yes
[00:37] cythia_williams2002: who take him to spain
[00:38] c64glen: He was one only with the cat club
[00:38] cythia_williams2002: who
[00:39] c64glen: the cat club, a club for the best cats
[00:40] cythia_williams2002: ok
[00:40] cythia_williams2002: i am sorry to hear that ?
[00:40] c64glen: my cat was best in whole of northern europe
[00:41] cythia_williams2002: oh what a good news
[00:41] cythia_williams2002: what are u using it to do ?
[00:41] c64glen: so this is why I not like communist or terrorists
[00:41] cythia_williams2002: i do u think i am one of those
[00:41] c64glen: so what is the nature of your business?
[00:42] cythia_williams2002: will are a computer programmers will design ORACLE JAVA eyc
[00:42] cythia_williams2002: etc
[00:43] c64glen: wow, that sound very good, you do things like;
[00:43] c64glen: 10 Print “Cocks”
[00:43] c64glen: 20 goto 10
[00:43] c64glen: yes?

[00:43] cythia_williams2002: yes
[00:43] cythia_williams2002: so will have work with so many company’s in uk
[00:43] c64glen: A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
[00:45] cythia_williams2002: and they haven’t paid us and te cost of coming to the uk is very expensive to be coming very weekend that is why will u to be aor agent?
[00:45] c64glen: they haven’t paid you? this is very bad business. So what would I need to do as an agent?
[00:46] cythia_williams2002: what will just need u to do is that u will be helping us to recive the payment?
[00:47] c64glen: what? sorry? Could you say that in English?
[00:48] cythia_williams2002: what?
[00:48] c64glen: What do you NEED ME TO do? how do I help you receive payment?
[00:49] cythia_williams2002: by helping us recive the payment is that u will have to an acct so that they can be paying the money inside the acct?
[00:50] c64glen: I have an account? If that all I need, why can’t you do it?
[00:52] cythia_williams2002: because they can’t transfer money by acct to here?
[00:52] cythia_williams2002: what types off acct do u have with you ?
[00:52] c64glen: I have a strange type of account called a bank account,
[00:53] c64glen: it is crazy, It has money in it

[00:53] cythia_williams2002: which bank do us ?
[00:53] cythia_williams2002: what is the name off the bank ?
[00:53] cythia_williams2002: do u have a hsbc acct ?
[00:53] c64glen: NO! hsbc is a communist bank
[00:54] cythia_williams2002: why is it a communist bank?
[00:54] c64glen: my banks is the bank of Norks.
[00:54] c64glen: hsbc is based in honkey honkey, which china communist
[00:55] c64glen: my credit card has pictures of ladies on it
[00:55] c64glen: becuase of my job

[00:56] cythia_williams2002: but that is the only acct for they can transact money from?
[00:56] c64glen: from?
[00:57] c64glen: I thought they would pay me?

[00:57] cythia_williams2002: but that is the only acct for they can transact money in for now
[00:57] cythia_williams2002: yes
[00:57] c64glen: give me thier details, I will sort out getting their money
[00:58] c64glen: and I will not below this money on Heroin.

[00:58] cythia_williams2002: will be willing to pay u 10per% on every each payment u made for us?
[00:58] c64glen: so they give me money and you only want 10% ?
[00:58] c64glen: ok

[00:59] cythia_williams2002: i said i will offer u 10per% out of the every each payment that u will collect
[00:59] c64glen: ah, oh well that will do
[00:59] cythia_williams2002: u will deduct yr 10% inside the money
[01:00] cythia_williams2002: and wire the rest to the us?
[01:00] c64glen: yes, I think I can manage that, so when do I start getting money
[01:01] cythia_williams2002: when u can start getting money is when u get the hsbc acct for us that is when u can start getting money for us ?
[01:01] c64glen: I NOT GET A FUCKING COMMUNIST ACCOUNT
[01:02] c64glen: you are disrespecting my cats memory
[01:02] c64glen: HE IS TURNING IN HIS SHOE BOX
[01:02] c64glen: on my fireplace

[01:02] cythia_williams2002: why it is A COMMUNIST BANK TEEL ME
[01:03] c64glen: argh, the shoebox has fallen to the floor, and my dead cat has fallen out
[01:03] c64glen: this is making me soo sad

[01:03] cythia_williams2002: BUT I THOUGH IS UK BANK ?
[01:05] c64glen: I must go and pray, good night

More fun with ‘Cythia’ next week.

Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Everyone needs banging neighbours
Why do my upstairs neighbours only ever shag or kick the shit out of each other? Frankly, either way, it’s depressing…..

I strongly suspect that your neighbours are secretly trying to drive you mad and commit suicide thus allowing them to use your corpse in some hideous experiment involving copper wires and test tubes with the intention of creating the ultimate fighting force of the 21st century. The only way to fight fire is with fire (although I have to admit that my experiment using this method in a recent children’s hospital fire had mixed results) Drill a hole in your ceiling and pump Carbon Monoxide into their flat, after about an hour you should hear a couple of dull thuds followed by an extended period of quietness. Now here’s the clever bit, break into their flat and plant a small car in the kitchen, ensuring that the ignition is switched on, leave the flat and call the police complaining of a strange noise coming from the flat.I think you will find that is fool proof, a perfect murder so to speak. The dog would be a major part of any super soldier experiment, their superior smell and wagging tails would be essential to any combat operation. I would make the best of what little time you have left together.

Bastard Wasps
Why are wasps the most evil, vicious little feckers that ever roamed this planet, are they in cahoots with the door handle meddlers by any chance??

The people behind wasps make the door handle meddlers look like fluffy kittens, originally created as an alternative to coffee beans the wasp rapidly proved to be a much more affective warrior insectoid, first deployed by the Canadian army in the late 50’s they were quickly banned by the Geneva Convention as an affront against nature. However the Canadian army kept a small stock in a bunker under a grocer shop in Vancouver. Legend has it that a store clerk accidentally released the deadly wasps into the wild where the became the dominant insect. Of course the Canadian government denies this and claims that the Wasp is an evolutionary work of art that has been around for millions of years but you now know better.

Pigs will fly
If I was to staple cardboard wings to the back of a pig, how far would it fly if i threw it from the 16th floor of a building, with windspeed of 15mph in a north north east direction.

Taking into account the North North East Wind and making the following assumptions –
1) That you throw the pig out of a South South West facing window
2) It is a clear day (i/e it is not raining/snowing etc.)
3) That you use corrugated board which is much more aerodynamic of suitable gauge preferably “C” Flute which is 5/16 inch from flute to flute or 42 flutes per lineal foot for optimal strength to weight
4) The Pig is a Common Baconer Pig of average weight (approx 13 stone)
5) Heavy duty Compressed air Industrial Stapler is used with stainless steel 2″ staples
6) Average size building 15ft per floor.Inputting this data into my patented flying pig calculator it would fly exactly 240ft.

Hello? Hello?
how come when you ring a wrong number they are always in??

Telephonetical calculations such as these as these are extraordinarily difficult to both calculate and explain to non-scientifical personnel.However, I will try A human from the UK will call somebody, on average 8000 times in their life time (this can fluctuate wildly depending if the human is a Big Brother Fan or not) Of these 8000 times approximately 80 times there will be no answer. About 1%

They will call a wrong number an average 94 times. Assuming the same figure holds true that 1% of the time nobody will be in when you call, then we have a figure of 0.94 times you call a wrong number nobody will be in as phone calls are counted in factors of 1 then it is statistically impossible for you to call a wrong number that no-one answers.

Don’t be shy, if you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

World Aids Day

Around forty million people are living with HIV throughout the world – and that number increases in every region every day. In the UK alone, more than 60,000 people are living with HIV and more than 7,000 more are diagnosed every year. Ignorance and prejudice are fuelling the spread of a preventable disease.

World AIDS Day, 1 December is an opportunity for people worldwide to unite in the fight against HIV and AIDS. This year, it’s up to you, me and us to stop the spread of HIV and end prejudice.

Link: World Aids Day

Scambaiter – o boy u no serious oooooooooooooo

Let me introduce you to another internet love scammer, this one was fun, I was in no doubt she was fake when her name changed from Katherine to Sharon. She found me via bingbox and she was soon sending me emails telling me about herself and how she had $93,000 worth of Antiques seized by the customs before finally contacting me via Yahoo messenger

tropicahillsron: Hello babe, how u doing today
c64glen: Hi! I am alive and well, how are you ?
tropicahillsron: im not feeling bad, im not happy
c64glen: why is that? Are you on? Is Aunt Flow visiting?
tropicahillsron: im here, About the money now
c64glen: the money now?
tropicahillsron: yes, have you forgetting what i told you about the money transfer?
c64glen: I am very busy this week. I have much masturbating to do
tropicahillsron: where are you now?
c64glen: I am home, with it all in hand.
tropicahillsron: location love right now country?
c64glen: the same one as when we last spoke? You have already forgotten? This makes me sad
tropicahillsron: yes love
c64glen: why do you forget me so quickly?
tropicahillsron: sorry all is about my goods at the custom office
C64glen: but what about me,I thought you wanted my cock?
tropicahillsron: sure, when I back to state we can meet in person
c64glen: ok… which state?
tropicahillsron: to UK and state,..florida in usa
c64glen: hang on, one minute… I’m just having a wank
tropicahillsron: okay sweetie
c64glen: Oh that was a good one. I jizzed in your name….
tropicahillsron: how? jixxed?
c64glen: shot my load, cum
tropicahillsron: how??????
c64glen: I was rubbing myself over your picture until my cock exploded
tropicahillsron: i don’t still understand sweetie….
c64glen: I took my hand and put it on my cock and took my other hand and took a dump on it and then I was rubbing the dump in my face
tropicahillsron: wow………. that cool country pls?
c64glen: then I pulled my cock
tropicahillsron: tell me
c64glen: and hot love piss came out
tropicahillsron: wow ty, country? tell me
c64glen: My country is Hans Island
tropicahillsron: usa or where?
c64glen: It is Island between Cananada and Denmark
tropicahillsron: Do you have cam?
c64glen: I have cum
tropicahillsron: But,. you told me you from UK.
c64glen: it is part of UK, we honour our Queen
tropicahillsron: Oh ic, do you have webcam?
c64glen: no, my webcam was made of fire
tropicahillsron: really, how does your cam made of my fire?
c64glen: yes, it did make big noise and orange
tropicahillsron: yes love, But hun im sure you can asista me about the money i want to use to clear my good at custom office
c64glen: how can I do this strange and wonderful act?
tropicahillsron: love what do you mean?
c64glen: HOW CAN I HELP, Jesus Christ, you are slow sometimes
tropicahillsron: If you can assist me with teh 1,000$ So i can give you my hotel manager info to send me the money via western union
c64glen: with teh 1,000$? What is that in proper money?
tropicahillsron: proper money?
c64glen: proper money is the good old British Euro pound not the NAZI AMERICANIO DOLLAORS
tropicahillsron: So You have us dollars,pounds,euro?
c64glen: yes, one of those
tropicahillsron: okay,..
c64glen: also what is western onion?
tropicahillsron: thats is where you will go to send the money to me, you can send money via western union money transfer to anybody in any part of the world
c64glen: why is it an onion?
tropicahillsron: its union, western union money transfer
c64glen: ah yes, this is a thing my friend told me, you know my friend he works for a company in Africa
tropicahillsron: what
c64glen: is called EFCC do you know it?
tropicahillsron: you mad
tropicahillsron: no
tropicahillsron: nop
tropicahillsron: nop
c64glen: why mad?
tropicahillsron: nothing
tropicahillsron: I don’t no efcc
c64glen: my friend he says he works for EFCC, I met him on Internet, he say don’t use that onion
tropicahillsron: okay..how can you send me the money now? love
tropicahillsron: Its not EFCC okay, its a lie, How can efcc be talking to u online
c64glen: I don’t know, so you know EFCC?
tropicahillsron: nop
tropicahillsron: yes
c64glen: yes or no? I don’t understand. this man, he speaks to my other friend he tell him about Internet people
tropicahillsron: yes
c64glen: they look for them, or something
tropicahillsron: Wait do you have the efcc address and number
tropicahillsron: o boy u no serious oooooooooooooo
tropicahillsron: kilo se e bayi now
c64glen: what I don’t understand? I gave him your details he asked about my African friends He said he would like to visit them
tropicahillsron: give me his address name phone number
c64glen: Yes, I gave him all your details.
tropicahillsron: u did not
c64glen: no, I give him your details
tropicahillsron: how why? What my details
c64glen: Because he asked for all my African friend details. I sent your name, your emails, your friends details, your IP address. His name was Shehu
tropicahillsron: bye
c64glen: he said he visits Internet cafes to see my African friends
tropicahillsron: get away, what is my IP address? TELL ME
c64glen: IP address is the address of your computer. It tells people where you are
tropicahillsron: sorry, don’t talk to me again okay
c64glen: can we not still be friends, I have money?
tropicahillsron: nop i don’t need your money
c64glen: ok, thanks bye. I tell me friend all about you,
c64glen: Hope he visits you soon.

If you want to know more about the EFCC check this