Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Kabloom
Why do explosions always go upwards?

The direction of a blast is totally dependant on which way up the bomb is. All bombs, since Crimean War are constructed to be bottom heavy, much like a weable, or an egg with lead in its base so they all ways face upwards.

The reason they face upwards is purely aesthetical, a downward facing bomb looks shit when it goes off, imagine lighting a sparkler and then shoving it in the dirt sparkly end first. Does not look goodl does it?

Just for me and my dog.
Why is kiora to orangy for crows?

Crows are Orangatically Intolerant, a mere whiff of orange peel will send the crow into a deadly anaphylactic shock. Hence the phrase “As the crow flies” which is a direction immediately opposite the nearest orange grove.

Lubricating babies
How many babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil? more to the point, what is baby oil actually used for? Do babies need lubricating? Do they often squeek when they move appendages?

Haha! Baby oil is not made of babies, well not baby human’s, you see its made from puppies, but they could hardly market it “Puppy Oil” who would buy something as sick as that.But onto your main point, I can tell you are not a paediatrician as you would already know that baby oil is vital in stemming the grow of babies, if you do not smother a baby in rendered puppy fat then they would grow to gargantuan proportions, have you not seen “Honey I Blew up the Baby”? imagine that on a world wide scale, millions of 50 feet babies shitting all over the world.

An Apocalyptic thought indeed my friend.

Bmwanker
Are all BMW drivers wankers?

No no, quite a few of them are merely cunts.

Embarrassed lobsters
Do lobsters giggle if tickled in just the right way? if so, what is the correct way to tickle a lobster?

I hired several professional ticklers to ascertain if a lobster could be made to giggle, unfortunately it appears that these tasty crustaceans can only chuckle, and even then it appeared that they only did this out of embarrassed politeness, we were able to elicit a genuine scream when we boiled them alive.

OI, OI! If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.