Why I hate wasps, well, where do I start….my first encounter with the vicious, stripey, buzzing, horrible little shits, was when I was 3 years old, innocently sitting in a wheelbarrow (as you do), eating an apple, and the cunning little demon stung me on the hand!!! Well, being the brave little soldier that I was in those days, I errr, screamed, and screamed, and well, screamed. My horrified mother, who at this point, thought I was at the very least, being molested by the devil or savaged by the local stray dog, came running frantically to my rescue, and, as you did in those days, whisked me off to the only neighbour who happened to also be a nurse, and what did she prescribe, of everything…??? Only flaming vinegar, OUCH!!!!! I resolved there and then to put the whole horrible incident behind me, however, my mother has a lasting memento in that she took a photo approximately 3 minutes before this horrific attack, in which, not only the wheelbarrow features, but also the sinful apple that caused my downfall on this occasion….still makes me shudder to this day!
The years progressed, and thankfully, although I encountered my demons regularly, I managed to avoid the venomous sting! Until, that is, my incredibly selfish teacher (I was 10 by this time) was called out of class on an emergency and my class were forced to join the other class of our year for the rest of the afternoon. Obviously, the teacher, being rather lazy and not wanting to actually teach a class double the size she was used to, set us an exercise, to which I dedicated my full attention. Five minutes into the exercise, I feel an itch just below my right kneecap. Of course, concentrating fastidiously on the exercise in question, wanting to do my best, I reach down with my right hand and scratch said itch rather ferociously……ouch!!! One of the little feckers had stung me right in the middle of my index finger!!!! So violent an attack was this, that the cretin was actually stuck in my finger, at which point I was extremely pissed off so preceded to slam the little shite against the desk repeatedly. Although victory was mine and the demon was indeed dead, in this instance, this impromptu action caused the sting to lodge rather deeper than normal into my skin. One hour, and lots of painful tweezer action later, the sting was dislodged and I was sent home with a throbbing, swelling finger.
Although I have since managed to avoid the evil “sting” since that last incident, it does not stop me from making a complete and utter fool of myself, especially during the summer months, when beer gardens are the venues of choice. For example, I meet my now boyfriend, roughly 4 years ago, he takes me for a nice drive into the Yorkshire Dales and we stop off at the picturesque village of Masham, lovely I hear you cry, and yes, it was indeed. A couple of drinks purchased and a seat secured at one of the best tables in the beer garden, alas, no sooner than 5 minutes after settling down with our drinks, and one of the feckers mounts an attack!!!! Okay, I can hear you all say, just calm down and ignore the beast, but no, the inner phobia kicks in and I, well, kick off, litteraly…..and go head over heels off the bench, surprising the whole entire beer garden, including the new boyfriend, with a massive flash of pants as I topple over, feet over head, off the most prominent table within eyeshot!!
I could go on, like the time I trusted aforementioned boyfriend when he promised to fend off any similar attacks while on a lovely summer time trip to Harrogate, only to be confronted with the horrifying realisation that he lied to me, when, sitting on the blossoming village green, eyes held tightly shut, pint of stella held firmly to my chest, low and behold, for the first time in almost 20 years, the little fuckers infiltrated my security system and ended up crawling up my arm…!!!! (Boyfriend had slunk off at least 10 metres away from me and “the attack”)!
So, if like me, you hate the wicked wappies, lets get a campaign in progress to rid the planet of the evil little buzzers, I mean, God says every creature is here for a reason, but I challenge anyone to come up with an excuse to maintain their existence any longer…..??