Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Everyone needs banging neighbours
Why do my upstairs neighbours only ever shag or kick the shit out of each other? Frankly, either way, it’s depressing…..

I strongly suspect that your neighbours are secretly trying to drive you mad and commit suicide thus allowing them to use your corpse in some hideous experiment involving copper wires and test tubes with the intention of creating the ultimate fighting force of the 21st century. The only way to fight fire is with fire (although I have to admit that my experiment using this method in a recent children’s hospital fire had mixed results) Drill a hole in your ceiling and pump Carbon Monoxide into their flat, after about an hour you should hear a couple of dull thuds followed by an extended period of quietness. Now here’s the clever bit, break into their flat and plant a small car in the kitchen, ensuring that the ignition is switched on, leave the flat and call the police complaining of a strange noise coming from the flat.I think you will find that is fool proof, a perfect murder so to speak. The dog would be a major part of any super soldier experiment, their superior smell and wagging tails would be essential to any combat operation. I would make the best of what little time you have left together.

Bastard Wasps
Why are wasps the most evil, vicious little feckers that ever roamed this planet, are they in cahoots with the door handle meddlers by any chance??

The people behind wasps make the door handle meddlers look like fluffy kittens, originally created as an alternative to coffee beans the wasp rapidly proved to be a much more affective warrior insectoid, first deployed by the Canadian army in the late 50’s they were quickly banned by the Geneva Convention as an affront against nature. However the Canadian army kept a small stock in a bunker under a grocer shop in Vancouver. Legend has it that a store clerk accidentally released the deadly wasps into the wild where the became the dominant insect. Of course the Canadian government denies this and claims that the Wasp is an evolutionary work of art that has been around for millions of years but you now know better.

Pigs will fly
If I was to staple cardboard wings to the back of a pig, how far would it fly if i threw it from the 16th floor of a building, with windspeed of 15mph in a north north east direction.

Taking into account the North North East Wind and making the following assumptions –
1) That you throw the pig out of a South South West facing window
2) It is a clear day (i/e it is not raining/snowing etc.)
3) That you use corrugated board which is much more aerodynamic of suitable gauge preferably “C” Flute which is 5/16 inch from flute to flute or 42 flutes per lineal foot for optimal strength to weight
4) The Pig is a Common Baconer Pig of average weight (approx 13 stone)
5) Heavy duty Compressed air Industrial Stapler is used with stainless steel 2″ staples
6) Average size building 15ft per floor.Inputting this data into my patented flying pig calculator it would fly exactly 240ft.

Hello? Hello?
how come when you ring a wrong number they are always in??

Telephonetical calculations such as these as these are extraordinarily difficult to both calculate and explain to non-scientifical personnel.However, I will try A human from the UK will call somebody, on average 8000 times in their life time (this can fluctuate wildly depending if the human is a Big Brother Fan or not) Of these 8000 times approximately 80 times there will be no answer. About 1%

They will call a wrong number an average 94 times. Assuming the same figure holds true that 1% of the time nobody will be in when you call, then we have a figure of 0.94 times you call a wrong number nobody will be in as phone calls are counted in factors of 1 then it is statistically impossible for you to call a wrong number that no-one answers.

Don’t be shy, if you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.