Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyell-llantysiliogogogoch
How do you spell Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch ?

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyell-llantysiliogogogoch

Even people who live in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch, knowns as Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogochians, spell Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch without the extra E, although Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch without the E is now acceptable, I prefer the more traditional Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyell-llantysiliogogogoch, it has a better ring to it, indeed when I spoke to the Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogochians at the Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch annual meeting of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogochians we debated whether Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyell-llantysiliogogogoch should be used instead of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch but the Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogochians eventually rejected it in favour of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch because Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyell-llantysiliogogogoch was too much of a mouthful.

Astropath
I have recently killed an astronaut. (My first.) Everything went wonderfully and the body has been properly disposed of, but now I’m worried because I don’t feel the least bit of remorse. I think this is strange, because they weren’t even Asian. Is this lack of self-reproach normal? What was it like for you the first time? – Francaise.

Ahh, you truly are a scientist after my own heart, emotional detachments a crucial character trait of any great scientist, how could I perform open heart surgery on a puppy, without anaesthetic (to prove my theory that puppies who undergo open heart surgery without anaesthetic will die) if I got all soppy and cried about it? Minds of gods, hearts of stone is my motto.

My first Astronaut(s) fatality came about when I was testing new material for the fuel lines on space shuttles, I was convinced that papier-mâché would be ideal for the ultra high pressure and temperatures endured during the take off sequence, sadly, this time, I was mistaken. On the plus side there was no hassle in disposing of the bodies as the resulting explosion scattered there remains over several continents.

Dog or Cat?
Would I be better investing in dog biscuits or cat biscuits with my life savings?

Economofication of Dog and Cat biscuit has long been the preserve only of Kings, like gold and diamonds Dog and Cat biscuits never reduce in value, however I predict that the inevitable collapse of the American food economy will send the dog biscuits on a downward spiral that it may never recover from. I am of course basing this on the fact that when Burger King and McDonalds go to the wall Americans will turn to their best friend as their new source of meat. Cats will survive as they are sneaky little fuckers.

So, in short, buy Cat Biscuit, Sell Dog Biscuit..

Emmision Danger :
Do you know a way, using your vast knowledge, to work out how many plants I’d need growing in my house to counteract the carbon dioxide emmisions the car I drive.

Why on Earth would you want to do that? The greater harm you doing is not polluting the Air, no sir, it is the rubber deposits that are left by your tyres on the road. Think about it, you replace 4 tyres ever year, each loses about 3mm of tread, Average circumference of a tyre is 1000mm and the average width is 200mm, that’s 3x1000x200x4=2400000 cubic mm of rubber per car per year. In the UK alone that is 48000000000 Cubic Meters of rubber covering our roads ever year (3*1000*200*4*20000000/1000)

After 10 years there will be enough rubber on UK roads alone to sexually satisfy 3 Tory MPs. And once their thirst’s have been satiated they will move on to other thing such as starting a nuclear war!

So, in conclusion, the scientists are right, the car will cause the end of the world. But not how they think

Shabba! If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.  

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.