ObscureInternet Today

We have loads of fun for you today, firstly we have olderrant, a new feature for the site. It’s a blog written by a racist homophobic idiot who has little contact with the outside world but gets very upset when he reads about it in the newspapers.

On a complete unrelated note we have a link to a site called elderrant, which is a blog written by a racist homophobic idiot who has little contact with the outside world but gets very upset when he reads about it in the newspapers.

And Finally the new Jesper Rasmussen Anti-Global F***wit podcast is available

Thatcher, Immigrants, Islam, and The Government

Hi, My name is Olderrant and I live in a small village in Yorkshire, England.

I’m tired of all the do-gooders and all this Political Correctness gone mad, and I’m getting angrier as I get older.

I’m in a complete rage with this communist government. Vote them out at the earliest opportunity (before they give your vote to some lesbian Pakistani asylum seeker).

I have a view on lots of matters especially the ones that I read in the Daily Mail but don’t have any effect on me.

The ThatcherThe Greatest still not dead English robot whore of all time.

The Magnificent Margaret Thatcher, the women who single handily returned this country from Communist rule by stealing the milk of Working Class Children, teenagers and the unemployed and then using them as slaves, food and for use as seating for the Middle and Upper Classes.

Margaret Thatcher was recently voted as the ‘Sexiest Lay in Politics’ she also holds the undisputed universal record for the number of dog shits deep-throated in a minute.

Deport everyone but me.

Britain could “go to the dogs” unless immediate action is taken to tackle growing ethnic segregation, the Daily Mail warned today.

Adolf Lynching, the paper’s head of racist reporting, said a “real crisis” was being caused by the increasing separation of ethnic groups and more importantly that middle-class people could actually see coloured people from their homes.

He quoted new research suggesting that a quarter of Britons want to live in an all-white area and that more than half think there is too much immigration.

Get rid of the Darkies and the Irish I say, not to mention the Scotch.

Christian magistrate sues Government over placing children with gay couples

A Christian group is taking legal action against the Government, claiming that he was forced to resign from his role of placing children in care because of his religious belief that homosexuality is evil.

Andrew McLickcock says that he was told he must preside over cases that involved gay parents despite his appeal that it would contravene his deeply held conviction that homosexual people should be stoned to death.

Good Luck to you Andrew, but you are fighting Government approved buggery!

Israel we love you!Bomb them back to the stoneage!!

Evil Palestinian militants have used their evil Islamic mind control tricks to con the peace loving Israel into an unexpected ceasefire.

Hamas’ military wing and Islamic Jihad said they were responsible.

The ceasefire came into effect at 0600 (0400 GMT) after the Palestinian Authority said groups would end attacks and Israel agreed to halt hostilities.

Is there no end to this government’s dishonesty!!!

Blair is evil

Labour is facing the prospect of an inquiry by the public spending watchdog into claims that it is siphoning millions of pounds of taxpayers’ cash to pay for terrorist training.

The Tories have written to a high-powered local government watchdog demanding an investigation following revelations that Tory voters have been forced to hand over hundreds of pounds at knife point by Margaret Beckett.

At least £200 billion-a-year is being creamed off hard working tax dodgers. The money is used to fund asylum seekers, speed cameras, terrorism, abortions and to reincarnate Lenin.

Opponents fear the scheme, which was nodded through at Labour’s annual conference, is also being used to help Osama Bin Laden pay his council tax on his apartment in London’s trendy Notting Hill.

The scandal only came to light when Margaret Beckett ordered the RAF to bomb a small village in Kent, after the residents refused to pay.

Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

I don’t feel like Dancing
Why cant men dance?

The part of the brain that controls motor functions “The Orbit of Balancation Gland” is far smaller in a man than in a woman, this is not evolutionary however, as little as 30 years ago the TOOB gland was practically the same size in both the male and female however the TOOB is situated directly next to the pornographic input/output neuron cluster which, since the advent of the internet, has grown disproportionably in men, as it grew in size it squashed the TOOB gland.

So, in real terms, the reason men cannot dance is because we are a pack of wankers.

Fucking Unionists
Why do I keep banging my forearms on every door handle in the house, leaving me with masssive bruising?

During the American civil cold war the Unionists developed a new type of door handle that were specifically designed to lacerate the arms their enemies, the Communards. It was thought that if they could injure enough of the enemies then they would win the war (at the time war was carried out by a series of Arm Wrestling Completions) however their plan became spectacularly unstuck when the blueprints fell into wrong hands and subsequently all handles were made to this terrible design. It gets worse, because of the Afro-American peace treaty all knowledge of weapons of mass annoyance where covered up and were never spoke of again. The practical upshot of this is the killer handles are now standard across the globe. Over 94% of all door handle fatalities can be attributed to this, histories greatest, mistake.

Booze
Why have I ran out of wine when it is only 9pm??

Your drink woe’s can be seen in this complicated equation-D=B-(AxT)

D is how much drink you have left, B is how much booze you started with, A is the amount of booze you drink per hour and T represents how long you have been drinking

For example, you start with 3 bottles of booze, you drink 1 bottle per hour, and you have been drinking for 3 hours –

D=3-(1×3)

so

D=0

So in order to have enough booze to last the night you need to change 1 of the variables.

B- Change this by buying more booze.
A- Change this by drinking more slowly.
T- Change this by drinking for less time.

I think its obvious to most statisticians that B is the only viable option.

That’s it for this week, if you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Depressed Post-it note glue
What do they put on the back of post-it’s to make them stick, any why after about 1 use do they lose their stickyness?Post-it note glue is the first glue that uses emotions as a main ingredient. The glue is infused with love and sadness. When it is first placed onto to the paper it falls deeply in love with it bonding to the paper for life (or so it thinks) however when it is ripped away from its lover it thinks that its the paper that has split up with it and it becomes depressed, and after a few brief flings on the rebound (which explains why it is partially sticky for a couple of more times) it flatly refuses to stick to anything again.

Slowsand
Why does quicksand work slowly?
A common mistake amongst less scientified people is that the word “quick” in quicksand refers to how fast it sucks people down. It is in fact referring to Dr. Alan Quick who invented Quicksand as a cheap alternative to swimming pools. Dr. Quick is currently serving 15 years for manslaughter.

If you kept your eyes open while sneezing would your eyeballs pop out?

The awful truth of it is that not only would you eyes pop out but as they are directly connected to the eyebeam translatron which is located at the base of the skull you would literally blow your brains out.

Why?
why?Probably the most astute question so far.

Why?

3 letters and a misshapen erect full stop, a question that has been asked through the ages and has driven virtually every scientifical discovery from the wheel to cheese and onion pasty’s.

Why?

The driving force behind the genius of Albert Einstein,Steve Guttenberg and Stephen Hawkin’s programmers.

Why?

The eternal query that has challenge mathematicers and physicatrons since time memorandum.

The answer of course is “Coz I fucking say so right.”

Not Gravitron
What cosmic force holds those unicycling madmen onto tight ropes when they decide to cross casms and gorges.
My initial thought was the obvious “Gravitron the all catching” but this just does not sound like him at all, on the contrary the vicious fucker would take delight in chucking these idiots to the ground so on a hunch I decided to review tapes from the Russian Circus that was on up our place a couple of weeks ago and sure enough when thermal filters were applied it showed up several tiny rocket thrusters dotted around the body of the acrobat and unicycle, and, using a complicated key board shortcut, I was able to zoom into the serial number of one of these tiny rockets which I identified as a NASA prototype for weasel rocketpacks, I contacted NASA who were shocked to hear their closely guarded technolotions were being used in a circus act. I know NASA, and I do not think you will be seeing anymore of these tecnobats for the foreseeable future. Look out for several high wire “accidents” in the papers over the coming weeks.

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

BT, Talk Talk and Ipaq Pocket PC batteries are all bastards

Gah, BT, they have sent me a letter telling my that my BT Unlimited Broadband is now limited to 40 gig a month, further, they will charge me £1 per gig over this. At the same time they have also switched off their download usage monitor.

It’s a license to print money. You can imagine the conversation –

BT “You owe us £23”
Me “Who says”
BT “We do”
Me “Can I have an itemised bill of the usage, say, per day?”
BT “No, just give us the money”
Me “How can I tell if you are telling the truth?”
BT “You can trust us.”
Me “No, I really cannot”
BT “Well, there is loads of free software that monitors your usage”
Me “Oh, that’s good, and if there is a discrepancy between what you say and what my usage monitor says, which will be used to calculate my bill?”
BT “Which do you think”
Me “Oh well, thanks for that, I think I will take my custom elsewhere”
BT “It’s a free market, try Talk Talk, hahaha”

The bastards, they must of heard I was switching to Talk Talk, of course that was back in April 06, I’ve been waiting ever since. (They were quick enough to fucking charge me”

In other “Fucking hell” news, I needed a new battery for my Ipaq Pocket PC (No I am not a tosser, I was given it), So I went on on-line and found a new one, £17, not a bad deal I thought, and ordered it.

Whilst waiting I again went online to get the instructions for how to replace it, fairly simple procedure, the only difficulty I had was the required screwdriver, a Torx T6 star screwdriver to be precise, I did not have one. So back on-line and the only one in the UK was £9, fuck that I thought, I must be able to get one from a shop, so I spent the next few hours travelling from DIY shop to Car shops to Home Improvement Hyper Markets, nothing, eventually went Halfords where you have to empty your wallet out into a large bin outside the door, just to save time, anyway, at last I found one, T6 Torx screwdriver, sadly it was part of a precision screwdriver kit, £15, well I thought, I would rather pay £15 for a set then £9 just for 1, so I paid and waited patiently for battery to arrive.

And arrive it did, the next day.

Guess what was packaged along with the battery.

Bastards.

Scambaiter – They sent me to Iraq Peter

Remember Peter from last week? Well weeks after that last conversation we had, he was still bothering me for my telephone number.

[14:09] peter_mensah20: hello hiow are u are u theere\
[14:09] c64glen: I am the Greatest
[14:09] peter_mensah20: yes so how are u
[14:09] c64glen: I am good
[14:09] peter_mensah20: ok but i did not haer g from u again why
[14:09] c64glen: what is hear g?
[14:10] peter_mensah20: haer from u again
[14:12] c64glen: I had to join the army
[14:12] peter_mensah20: yes
[14:13] c64glen: I have been to Iraq
[14:15] c64glen: do you think it is important to serve your country?
[14:15] peter_mensah20: YES PLS I JUST GIVE ME UR NUMBER OK AND I WILL GIVE IT TO HE AND HE WILL GIVE IT TO HIS LAWY
[14:16] c64glen: I’ll give you my name, rank and number
[14:17] peter_mensah20: OK
[14:17] c64glen: C64Glen, Private, 90210
[14:17] peter_mensah20: WHAT NUMBER IS THAT
[14:18] c64glen: It is my number, it is the number on my dog tags and it is the number of the number one killer in all Iraq
[14:18] c64glen: Do you like Iraq Peter?
[14:18] peter_mensah20: YES
[14:18] c64glen: Why do you like Iraq Peter?
[14:19] peter_mensah20: IT IS A GOOD PLS TO LIVE
[14:19] c64glen: Iraq is a mess, Peter. We need to kill all the Terrorists there
[14:19] peter_mensah20: SO YES
[14:19] c64glen: Do you know what they should do
[14:19] peter_mensah20: NO\
[14:20] c64glen: They should send all the lazy Nigerian scammers from their Cybercafés to Iraq, they should be covered in explosives and when they get to Terrorists in Iraq they should all blow up.
[14:21] c64glen: That would rock
[14:21] c64glen: Do you agree, Peter?
[14:21] peter_mensah20: NO
[14:21] c64glen: why not?
[14:22] peter_mensah20: CAN U GIVE THE CORRT NUMBER PLS
[14:22] c64glen: why not, Peter?
[14:22] peter_mensah20: THE ARE ALSO HUMAN BEING OKSO HOW CAN U DO THAT TO THEM
[14:23] c64glen: not really, they are more like slugs in brain power
[14:23] c64glen: put some salt on them and you will see
[14:24] peter_mensah20: YES I, LIKE THEM
[14:25] peter_mensah20: SO CAN U HELP HE
[14:26] peter_mensah20: BUT CAN U HELP MY FRIEND
[14:26] peter_mensah20: HE NEED UR HELP
[14:26] c64glen: I’m in Iraq
[14:26] peter_mensah20: OK BUT U CAN ALSO HELP OK
[14:28] c64glen: how? The government only lets us spend our money on crack and whores now
[14:28] peter_mensah20: U HELP HE TO COLLECT THE CONSIGNMANT OK
[14:29] c64glen: fine, send it here. It could get blown up, but maybe not
[14:29] peter_mensah20: I SHOULD SEND WHAT
[14:30] c64glen: I dunno, what are to trying to send me? Your sister or something
[14:31] peter_mensah20: NOT THAT OK, MY FRIEND NEED A HELP CAN U HELP HE OR NOT
[14:32] c64glen: HOW????
[14:32] c64glen: FFS, TELL ME HOW YOU FUCKING COMMIE
[14:33] c64glen: don’t make me get my tank
[14:33] peter_mensah20: i know but can u help he
[14:33] peter_mensah20: pls
[14:34] peter_mensah20: is the number inter number
[14:35] c64glen: I can’t give my number out in Iraq, do you want me to be killed?
[14:35] c64glen: Are you a friend of Saddam?
[14:35] c64glen: Is that it?
[14:35] c64glen: Is your friend a commie terrorist arab?
[14:35] peter_mensah20: no u will not be kill ok
[14:37] peter_mensah20:
[14:37] peter_mensah20: are u thjer
[14:37] c64glen: yes, I am here
[14:37] peter_mensah20: so can u help my friend
[14:37] c64glen: ffs, what is with this DING shit if I don’t type 2 seconds after you post
[14:38] c64glen: I might be doing other shit you know, like torturing people
[14:38] peter_mensah20: i knnow but he have to get ur number
[14:38] peter_mensah20: ok so if he post he will call u and tell u ok
[14:39] c64glen: Torturing Testicles is my favourite
[14:39] peter_mensah20: so u give me the corrt number ok
[14:39] c64glen: So where you from Peter?
[14:39] peter_mensah20: i an from ghana\
[14:43] c64glen: my troops and I want to go on holiday somewhere we can kill people without getting told to by the army
[14:43] c64glen: would ghana be good for this?
[14:43] peter_mensah20: yes
[14:44] peter_mensah20: but give unmber ok pls
[14:44] c64glen: awesome, do you know where 20 dirty murdering soldiers can stay?
[14:44] c64glen: we need to practice murder and rape
[14:44] c64glen: which reminds me to you have a wife/sister/mother?
[14:45] peter_mensah20: yes
[14:45] peter_mensah20: and the number
[14:45] c64glen: cool would you mind some rape and torture?
[14:46] peter_mensah20: yes but u give me the number ok
[14:47] c64glen: so we can rape and torture your wife/sister/mother?
[14:47] c64glen: how about you, can we kick your back doors in?

Funnily enough he stopped talking at this point, but he was back later.

Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Foreign scum
Why can’t I ever learn any foreign languages? They just don’t stick in my brain.

Fondamentalement, vous vous détestez, Subconoman a le contrôle total du secteur de votre cerveau qui tient la langue de foriegn, le lobe de Translatron, et tandis que vous avez réellement les possibilités pour parler n’importe quelle langue couramment Subconoman sait que ceci vous donnerait un grand avantage dans la vie et pour cette fin ne donnera jamais l’accès à lui. Heheh il est un baiseur amer. Il y a des manières que vous pouvez utiliser pour entrer dans le lobe mais eux de Translatron envlove frappant votre tête contre une enclume.

That old Dark Green Magic
What exactly is the colour black?

The colour Black was originally invented in 1978 by the British Secret Service as a way of looking cool. Prior to this date the best we had was really dark green.
Pascal theorized the existence of the colour black way back in the early 40’s when he was inventing the Dark green and White television but was laughed out of the scientific community when he suggested that he could conjure up Black using Witchcraft and Dark green Magic.1989 is a watershed for Black as the British army had to settle out of court for copyright infringement, from that date anyone could use Black with impunity.

Play Schooled
Whatever happened to Humpty, Jemima, Big & Little Ted and Poppy?

Poppy is a successful lawyer specialising in Nuclearation Accidents. It’s not good news for the rest, Jemima filed a paternity suit against Humpty claiming that he was the biological father of little Ted, Big Ted did not take this well as he had assumed he was the father, as we know bears are not renown for their kind natures and mauled Humpty to death ,threw Jemima out of a hotel window before self immolating in front of Little Ted. The mental anguish Little Ted suffered seeing his “father” murder his natural father and mother before torching himself sent Little Ted onto a path of drink drugs and meaningless sex, eventually hitting an all time low when he starred in a low budget gay porn film “Little Ted Riding Wood” and dying shortly after the release in a combine harvester accident.

Ball Throwation
Is there a limit to how far I can throw a tennis ball? Does this limit change if I use different kinds of ball?

The physics that govern ball throwation can be expressed in the following formulaD=B

D is the distance, B is the distance between where you are standing to where the tennis ball lands.

By simply altering the formula slightly –

D=B*2

We can effectively double the distance you can throw the ball. Look at this –

D=B*200

You can start to imagine the awesome power of mathematics.

You can apply this equation to any ball, from a Golf ball to Zoe.

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Hair Jam
Could Jam be used as a substitute for hair gel? If so, would different flavours have different effects? Such as strawberry giving a “wet look”, and mulberry giving “extra hold”?

Could and is, in many cultures Jam’s primary use is hair care products, the Artic Pygmies for example have been using apricot jam as an effective anti-dandruff shampoo/conditioner for over 4 millennia, The Inca’s used Raspberry preserve as a cure for baldness. However it is very important not to use Marmalade. Many of the more calamitous historical events can be linked to coiffure experiments with Marmalade.

The Fall of the Roman Empire happened just after Caesar massaged Marmalade into his follicles to cure his scurvy. Waterloo – Napoleon applied marmalade onto his hair to give it his trademark quiff just before this battle. And the last text Princess Di ever sent was “Trying marmalade on my flange hair 2 disguise feminine odour”

Hyper-Sonic Wave crop circles
What causes crop circles?

The idea that crop circles are created by 2 drunken OAP’s from Suffolk is not only ludicrous its damn near sickening. As is the claim that the are created by UFO’s. Its a closely guarded but well known secret that all UFO’s land on small island just north of Greenland and not in fucking farmer Giles backyard.The circles are formed by Hyper-Sonic wave particles that are generated from a combination of Sun Spots and Moon-Quakes. As the moon passes through the solar winds it causes gravimetrical distortions to the tectonic plates of the moon causing a Moon Quake, the resulting gas release fires sub-light speed hyper sonic wave particles towards the Earth.

As the particles hit the atmosphere they speed up and twist, turning at such a velocity that they actually splits into multiple perfect circles of wind, they hit the earth and form instant perfect circles in the Hay.

“Why only in crops?” I hear you ask. Simply put, Hyper-Sonic Wave particles are naturally drawn to the colour yellow.

“If they are attracted to the colour yellow then why not sand, surly a desert would be much more attractive target?” I hear you whine. Well that is also easy, although they are attracted to the colour yellow they are repulsed by dust.

“That makes no sense, surly the ground under the crop will be dusty, why is it not repulsed?” I hear you moan. Look, I have given you the answer to your question just accept it. Its attracted to yellow more than it is repulsed by dust OK? Jesus fucking Christ some people.

Badger vs. Otter
Just what exactly are badgers hiding?

They are not hiding anything, its a smear campaign by the otters. One of the more despicable tactics employed by the otters in their campaign of ethnic cleansing against the badgers. Not the worst however, they single handily promoted badger baiting by putting adverts in the Sun with dates and vouchers for Badger Baiting meets as well detailed evidence on how badger baiting makes men more sexy. Just look at this picture of an Otter and tell me they are not evil

an otter

Top desk comedy
Is Holiday on the Buses among the top ten films ever made?

I am afraid this classic British comedy has been passed over by the Hollywood Mafia at the Academy, they would not know funny if it set fire to their faces. However it is number 8 in the top ten Films starring Reg Varney featuring Buses, Holiday camps and monkeys that were made in 1973. (The RVBHM73 Poll)

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.