Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

I don’t feel like Dancing
Why cant men dance?

The part of the brain that controls motor functions “The Orbit of Balancation Gland” is far smaller in a man than in a woman, this is not evolutionary however, as little as 30 years ago the TOOB gland was practically the same size in both the male and female however the TOOB is situated directly next to the pornographic input/output neuron cluster which, since the advent of the internet, has grown disproportionably in men, as it grew in size it squashed the TOOB gland.

So, in real terms, the reason men cannot dance is because we are a pack of wankers.

Fucking Unionists
Why do I keep banging my forearms on every door handle in the house, leaving me with masssive bruising?

During the American civil cold war the Unionists developed a new type of door handle that were specifically designed to lacerate the arms their enemies, the Communards. It was thought that if they could injure enough of the enemies then they would win the war (at the time war was carried out by a series of Arm Wrestling Completions) however their plan became spectacularly unstuck when the blueprints fell into wrong hands and subsequently all handles were made to this terrible design. It gets worse, because of the Afro-American peace treaty all knowledge of weapons of mass annoyance where covered up and were never spoke of again. The practical upshot of this is the killer handles are now standard across the globe. Over 94% of all door handle fatalities can be attributed to this, histories greatest, mistake.

Booze
Why have I ran out of wine when it is only 9pm??

Your drink woe’s can be seen in this complicated equation-D=B-(AxT)

D is how much drink you have left, B is how much booze you started with, A is the amount of booze you drink per hour and T represents how long you have been drinking

For example, you start with 3 bottles of booze, you drink 1 bottle per hour, and you have been drinking for 3 hours –

D=3-(1×3)

so

D=0

So in order to have enough booze to last the night you need to change 1 of the variables.

B- Change this by buying more booze.
A- Change this by drinking more slowly.
T- Change this by drinking for less time.

I think its obvious to most statisticians that B is the only viable option.

That’s it for this week, if you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.