Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Foreign scum
Why can’t I ever learn any foreign languages? They just don’t stick in my brain.

Fondamentalement, vous vous détestez, Subconoman a le contrôle total du secteur de votre cerveau qui tient la langue de foriegn, le lobe de Translatron, et tandis que vous avez réellement les possibilités pour parler n’importe quelle langue couramment Subconoman sait que ceci vous donnerait un grand avantage dans la vie et pour cette fin ne donnera jamais l’accès à lui. Heheh il est un baiseur amer. Il y a des manières que vous pouvez utiliser pour entrer dans le lobe mais eux de Translatron envlove frappant votre tête contre une enclume.

That old Dark Green Magic
What exactly is the colour black?

The colour Black was originally invented in 1978 by the British Secret Service as a way of looking cool. Prior to this date the best we had was really dark green.
Pascal theorized the existence of the colour black way back in the early 40’s when he was inventing the Dark green and White television but was laughed out of the scientific community when he suggested that he could conjure up Black using Witchcraft and Dark green Magic.1989 is a watershed for Black as the British army had to settle out of court for copyright infringement, from that date anyone could use Black with impunity.

Play Schooled
Whatever happened to Humpty, Jemima, Big & Little Ted and Poppy?

Poppy is a successful lawyer specialising in Nuclearation Accidents. It’s not good news for the rest, Jemima filed a paternity suit against Humpty claiming that he was the biological father of little Ted, Big Ted did not take this well as he had assumed he was the father, as we know bears are not renown for their kind natures and mauled Humpty to death ,threw Jemima out of a hotel window before self immolating in front of Little Ted. The mental anguish Little Ted suffered seeing his “father” murder his natural father and mother before torching himself sent Little Ted onto a path of drink drugs and meaningless sex, eventually hitting an all time low when he starred in a low budget gay porn film “Little Ted Riding Wood” and dying shortly after the release in a combine harvester accident.

Ball Throwation
Is there a limit to how far I can throw a tennis ball? Does this limit change if I use different kinds of ball?

The physics that govern ball throwation can be expressed in the following formulaD=B

D is the distance, B is the distance between where you are standing to where the tennis ball lands.

By simply altering the formula slightly –

D=B*2

We can effectively double the distance you can throw the ball. Look at this –

D=B*200

You can start to imagine the awesome power of mathematics.

You can apply this equation to any ball, from a Golf ball to Zoe.

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.