Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Hair Jam
Could Jam be used as a substitute for hair gel? If so, would different flavours have different effects? Such as strawberry giving a “wet look”, and mulberry giving “extra hold”?

Could and is, in many cultures Jam’s primary use is hair care products, the Artic Pygmies for example have been using apricot jam as an effective anti-dandruff shampoo/conditioner for over 4 millennia, The Inca’s used Raspberry preserve as a cure for baldness. However it is very important not to use Marmalade. Many of the more calamitous historical events can be linked to coiffure experiments with Marmalade.

The Fall of the Roman Empire happened just after Caesar massaged Marmalade into his follicles to cure his scurvy. Waterloo – Napoleon applied marmalade onto his hair to give it his trademark quiff just before this battle. And the last text Princess Di ever sent was “Trying marmalade on my flange hair 2 disguise feminine odour”

Hyper-Sonic Wave crop circles
What causes crop circles?

The idea that crop circles are created by 2 drunken OAP’s from Suffolk is not only ludicrous its damn near sickening. As is the claim that the are created by UFO’s. Its a closely guarded but well known secret that all UFO’s land on small island just north of Greenland and not in fucking farmer Giles backyard.The circles are formed by Hyper-Sonic wave particles that are generated from a combination of Sun Spots and Moon-Quakes. As the moon passes through the solar winds it causes gravimetrical distortions to the tectonic plates of the moon causing a Moon Quake, the resulting gas release fires sub-light speed hyper sonic wave particles towards the Earth.

As the particles hit the atmosphere they speed up and twist, turning at such a velocity that they actually splits into multiple perfect circles of wind, they hit the earth and form instant perfect circles in the Hay.

“Why only in crops?” I hear you ask. Simply put, Hyper-Sonic Wave particles are naturally drawn to the colour yellow.

“If they are attracted to the colour yellow then why not sand, surly a desert would be much more attractive target?” I hear you whine. Well that is also easy, although they are attracted to the colour yellow they are repulsed by dust.

“That makes no sense, surly the ground under the crop will be dusty, why is it not repulsed?” I hear you moan. Look, I have given you the answer to your question just accept it. Its attracted to yellow more than it is repulsed by dust OK? Jesus fucking Christ some people.

Badger vs. Otter
Just what exactly are badgers hiding?

They are not hiding anything, its a smear campaign by the otters. One of the more despicable tactics employed by the otters in their campaign of ethnic cleansing against the badgers. Not the worst however, they single handily promoted badger baiting by putting adverts in the Sun with dates and vouchers for Badger Baiting meets as well detailed evidence on how badger baiting makes men more sexy. Just look at this picture of an Otter and tell me they are not evil

an otter

Top desk comedy
Is Holiday on the Buses among the top ten films ever made?

I am afraid this classic British comedy has been passed over by the Hollywood Mafia at the Academy, they would not know funny if it set fire to their faces. However it is number 8 in the top ten Films starring Reg Varney featuring Buses, Holiday camps and monkeys that were made in 1973. (The RVBHM73 Poll)

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

Hits: 0

J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.