Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Depressed Post-it note glue
What do they put on the back of post-it’s to make them stick, any why after about 1 use do they lose their stickyness?Post-it note glue is the first glue that uses emotions as a main ingredient. The glue is infused with love and sadness. When it is first placed onto to the paper it falls deeply in love with it bonding to the paper for life (or so it thinks) however when it is ripped away from its lover it thinks that its the paper that has split up with it and it becomes depressed, and after a few brief flings on the rebound (which explains why it is partially sticky for a couple of more times) it flatly refuses to stick to anything again.

Slowsand
Why does quicksand work slowly?
A common mistake amongst less scientified people is that the word “quick” in quicksand refers to how fast it sucks people down. It is in fact referring to Dr. Alan Quick who invented Quicksand as a cheap alternative to swimming pools. Dr. Quick is currently serving 15 years for manslaughter.

If you kept your eyes open while sneezing would your eyeballs pop out?

The awful truth of it is that not only would you eyes pop out but as they are directly connected to the eyebeam translatron which is located at the base of the skull you would literally blow your brains out.

Why?
why?Probably the most astute question so far.

Why?

3 letters and a misshapen erect full stop, a question that has been asked through the ages and has driven virtually every scientifical discovery from the wheel to cheese and onion pasty’s.

Why?

The driving force behind the genius of Albert Einstein,Steve Guttenberg and Stephen Hawkin’s programmers.

Why?

The eternal query that has challenge mathematicers and physicatrons since time memorandum.

The answer of course is “Coz I fucking say so right.”

Not Gravitron
What cosmic force holds those unicycling madmen onto tight ropes when they decide to cross casms and gorges.
My initial thought was the obvious “Gravitron the all catching” but this just does not sound like him at all, on the contrary the vicious fucker would take delight in chucking these idiots to the ground so on a hunch I decided to review tapes from the Russian Circus that was on up our place a couple of weeks ago and sure enough when thermal filters were applied it showed up several tiny rocket thrusters dotted around the body of the acrobat and unicycle, and, using a complicated key board shortcut, I was able to zoom into the serial number of one of these tiny rockets which I identified as a NASA prototype for weasel rocketpacks, I contacted NASA who were shocked to hear their closely guarded technolotions were being used in a circus act. I know NASA, and I do not think you will be seeing anymore of these tecnobats for the foreseeable future. Look out for several high wire “accidents” in the papers over the coming weeks.

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.