Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Mouse Imp
Also, how does my mouse know where I want to point it on screen? I thought there may be a telepathic imp living in the mouse, waiting for any contact from my hand which would allow it to “mind meld” with me, thus letting him rotate a few cogs to move the pointer on screen. After extensively taking my mouse apart, I can find no such evidence of said being. I then thought that the creature could sense me taking the mouse apart, so I tried wearing oven gloves, which are universally recognised as psychic inhibitors, but again, no sign of the creature. I even tried at night, you know, to catch him asleep, but he alludes me still. All I seem to find is the creature’s toy marble.

I should also note that the spiteful creature refuses to do any work unless I put the marble back in its safety hole. Why must he mock me so?

This is why it takes years of dedication and educationing to become a professor, it took me years of watching spiders to finally understand how they can turn their shit into a home (I made a small fortune selling this research to Barrett Homes).

You are going about your experiment all wrong, if the imp is, as I suspect, from a dimension of space that is made up from dark matter then of course you will not see him, he is essentially invisible. What you need to do is cover the mouse in flour, put it under a microscope and watch to see if any foot prints can be seen. This might take days of patient silent watching perhaps weeks. I’ll be interested in your results. (I, of course, already know the answer but I think it’s important to your development that you undertake this task)

Tracksuit Scum
Fact: The less healthy your lifestyle, the more sports clothing you wear (and the whiter it is)! How come I don’t collapse in a heap when I go to the gym wearing a tracksuit?

What you state as fact I would call laughable propaganda from middle class white collar do-gooders who are trying to besmirch the good name of Chavs. That aside I ran a biometrical profile on your body based on posts in this forum and have come to the conclusion that not only do you not exists (there is a + or – 100% margin of error on this information) but you also have an extremely high fitness level. I could practically guarantee that, based on my findings, you could run a mile in under 3 minutes. You could walk into the gym with a suit of armour on and would not collapse, I envy you.

Magnifying pervert
Why does a magnifying glass enable the sun to set fire to things here on earth? Isn’t it a bit far away?

There, right there, a fundamental misconception on how things work. The sun does not set fire to things through your magnifying glass, it is actually our old friend Gravitron the all Catching, as you can imagine he gets quite bored catching things and chucking them back to earth all day, to alleviate the boredom we believe he has developed a high powered laser pistol that he fires at magnifying glasses. He only does this during the day as he too busy voyeuring on young lovers during the night.

Image of FishFish Oxygen
Why do people die when they stay under the water for too long, fish do it all the time and yet they never die?

Basically people die under water because they do not have any oxygen to keep them oxygenasionized, fish get around this by having an inbuilt aqualung. (See diagram)

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to or post it in the forum.

Dragons Den Dying Duty

BBC 2’s Dragons’ Den has been presented on U.K. television since 2004. I love it. There in the cavernous, sparsely furnished warehouse – the Den – budding entrepreneurs show off their weird, whacky and sometimes, downright bizarre creations and inventions to a panel of self-made millionaires – the so called Dragons. The rules are very simple: The contestants try to persuade the Dragons to invest their hard earned cash in their respective enterprises in return for a share of the equity of what, all of them naturally spout, will be the next best thing since sliced bread – once they have the Dragons support.

Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Whole hole
If you bored a whole right through the centre of the earth coming out in Australia (just like they do in the Cartoons sometimes) and jumped in the hole, what would happen?

Due to gravimetrical forces being a bit swirly when you get to the centre of the earth you would continue to accelerate even though common sense would dictate that you should be slowing, by the time you burst out of the hole in Australia you would going faster than Richard Hammond could of dream of, you would also stop just as fast as Richard Hammond because as explained above Gravitron would catch you and fling you back to earth.

Of course the trouble with trying this sort of experiment is where to put the debris of digging a hole all the way the centre of the earth, but never fear I have a solution, we would simply dig a hole next to it and put the discarded earth into that. (Hopefully someone might get this joke second time round)

If I have to fall into either a vat of acid or a vat of base (alkali) which is the least painful way to die?

What a strange question. The least painful way by a long chalk would be alkali, you see acid burns your skin off and would slowly dissolve your bones giving you an agonising terrible death, and alkali is just green scum you get on top of a pond, it would take ages to dissolve in scum, in fact you might find it quite pleasant.

Sleep Sex
Who or what controls my breathing when I’m asleep?

Biologifically speaking the makifus-breathicus muscle, the muscle that sucks in air, is autonomous to the human body, it has sybiotical relationship to the human body; in return for sucking in air the makifus-breaticus muscle receives a small portion of sugar from the body’s belly sack, this is turned slowly into sexual energy by the muscle which it expels once it has reached capacity, usually late at night. We call this orgasm a yawn.

Being a horny little bitch it works 24/7, even when we are asleep, in order for it to get more of the sex sugar.

Hot naked women dancing.
How does my oven get hot, I can’t see a fire inside, what’s happening?

This is all based around how your eye beams perceive Ovenian Heat, a heat that can only be found in ovens. Unlike most fire Ovenian heat is extremely aggressive towards the particles in eye beams murdering almost all of them. In real terms all you can see is a slight shimmering in the air.

Some years ago I developed a camera that could film Ovenian Heat and the results were very interesting, as well as Fire you could also, bizarrely, see a naked women dancing in them, you can see footage of this experiment on the opening credits of Tales of the Unexpected.

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to or post it in the forum.

Kill all Hippies

Now those of you that know me personally will know that I am a tolerant peaceful being, not all prone to violent bouts of cursing or profanity. Those who don’t will be shocked to learn that sometimes I can be a little angry. Is angry the right word? I certainly have certain triggers that cause uncontrollable rage, the French for example just plain annoy me, and I have been known rant a little.

Fuck it. I’m an arsehole. I know this, and have come to terms with it and my friends tolerate it as minor flaw. I think if more people could do this then the world would be a nicer place. I hold views and beliefs that are my own, if you don’t like them, fuck you. We can still be friends. I’m not going to hold it against you. , unless of course you are a Scientologist in which case I may be to busy pissing myself at you to introduce myself. Childbirth in silence? Are you retarded? Its the most painful natural thing a woman can experience, and they are full within there rights to declare at the top of their lungs exactly their feelings, and any assorted insults about the man who impregnated them. That aside I that I am allowed as a person to express my views, and you yours. However I never said I wouldn’t take the piss a bit, or even a lot.  Don’t annoy me with your principles or I will annoy you.

HansIsland 29 – ObscureInternet Special

Another trip to Hansisland for, a shorter trip this time but still as funny I hope you’ll agree.

Here’s a million – get punched in the shoe. Yoda is, in dwarfen terms, the best golfer in the world. Another Lexus to the little green man!


Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Heavy Balls
I’ve got a question. Why when I throw a ball into the sky does it come back down again? Is there some sort of invisible sky being throwing it back? I ask because I can see the ball stop at its maximum height like it has been caught but then it soon hurtles my way again.

Out of the mouths of idiots. Just as Einstein stumbled on theory of swirly gravity back in the 80’s you have hit by pure chance on the truth about Gravity, it is indeed an invisible force known in the scientifical circles as “Gravitron the all Catching”. Although we have never seen him we know he must be huge with billions of little arms.

We believe there is one sure fire way of catching a glimpse of the behemoth, it is said that if you jump backwards out of a window you can briefly see him waving.

Butch Deviants
If bakers bake does a grocer groce? Are all butchers butch?

Through asking this question you have stumbled onto a grotesque facade of English life that could rock our society to the core. They are not as they seem, simple salt of the earth Agatha Christie type people, not by a long chalk, young ladies. They are miscreants and deviants of Faustian magnitude, they mock us by hiding in broad daylight, for example all you need to do is add the words “Of Durham” to the word Butcher to glimpse into the real world these devils hide.

Except the candle makers, they are dreamy.

Bendy Piss
Why are bananas yellow?

Quite simply they have no piss pipe, so in order to get rid of their waste fluid they literally sweat piss, this stains their comedy death skins a bright yellow. The waste fluid is collected by poor children and used in the production of toothpaste.

Check out this
Why do my numbers never come up on the lottery?

Basically you hate yourself, your subconscious knows very well what numbers are going to come up but flatly refuse to tell you because that would be a kind thing, something that Subconotron would never do, a bit like when your trying to pay to for your weekly shopping and you forget your chip and pin number, and the massive queue behind you is looking at you as if you’re the thickest person in the world, and the bitch of a check-out girl calls the manager over the tannoy all the time your Sub conscious is pissing himself like a banana with laughter, and only after you have suffered the ignominy of being escorted out of the shop does he pipe up and whisper into your mind “it was a 6 not a 9”. The bastard!

Catflap on a Horse
Just short of calling it “Catflap”! If you put a door inside a door would you be able to sell the idea to Hollywood as some new ‘Star Gate’ type movie-idea and make millions, just like Michael Crichton seems to do with every sodding idea he seems to get? A mosquito stuck in amber! – What the f*** is that?

I’m afraid the door within door is called a postbox, and the film about it has already been done by Kevin Costner in the film “Postman” where he plays a postman from the future who travels back to the past to deliver post by horse. At least that’s how I remember it. I was too busy developing a way of extracting a dinosaur from a flea at the time to notice.

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to or post it in the forum.

Learning English

It’s time for an English Lesson, but it’s no normal English Lesson, it’s a learning video from Japan.

Image of Strange Video

Our Video starts with a Japanese girl in a poorly made set, which we can only guess is suppose to be a park somewhere is English speaking Land .

Image of Strange Video

She is talking to herself and appears to be very nervous about something

So worried is she, she gasps in shock at absolutely nothing happing, perhaps is she worried she is in a snuff movie and has seen the director taking his pants off.

Image of Strange Video

When she is finished gasping, a pathetic looking man with a hanky over his mouth comes and grabs her from behind. We shall call him ‘specky pathetic acting man’ from this point onwards.

Image of Strange Video

Another man walks over, but he seems to be having problems with this hanky. Perhaps he think it’s a pair of knickers. Maybe Japanese girl should be fearing the worst

Panty head (as he will henceforth be known) starts telling Japanese girl to be quiet so she screams.

Image of Strange Video

Just as Japanese girl doesn’t know what to do here comes the bizarre Japanese dancing girls to tell her what to do.

The base drum kicks in and the three hotties start hit some dance movies in times to their shouts of ‘Take anything you want’ in their thick Japanese accents.

Image of Strange Video

So we retune to Japanese girl who tells Panty hand to ‘Take anything you want’. Which is perhaps not the best advice to someone who looks very like a sex criminal.

Image of Strange Video

‘Hand me your bag’ panty head tells Japanese girl in his foreign friendly voice.

Image of Strange Video

Japanese girl is starting to get even more worried probably because this type of behaviour is considered foreplay in most Japanese movies (at least the ones, I’ve seen)

She hands over bang and while panty head is struggling to open it she attempts to run away, but specky pathetic acting man manages to keep hold of her.

Image of Strange Video

Panty head to tell her not to move, again he is kind enough to speak slowly and clearly so she can understand, if only all robbers were as considerate to foreign tourists.

Image of Strange Video

‘If you do, I’ll kill you!’ continues Panty head while showing off his tiny weapon.

What is Japanese Girl to do or say?

Image of Strange Video

Fortunately the bizarre dancing girls are back.

It’s the same tune, but it’s different word and a different dance. While the girls shout ‘Spare me my life’ they jump in the air while moving one foot forward and one foot backwards, change the feet each jump.

Image of Strange Video

Now we a greet with a new set, with a random cop and his amazing desk which has a lamp and some paper on it. Japanese girls runs on to set shouting, perhaps asking what happened to the rest of the police station.

Image of Strange Video

‘What’s the matter?’ random cops asks her. This prompts Japanese girl to start screaming at him in Japanese, has she learnt nothing from the bizarre dancing girls?

Image of Strange Video

‘Calm Down and speak slowly’, random cop tells Japanese girl. I would have thought ‘Calm Down and speak slowly in English’ would have been a better instruction as Japanese girl calms down (for almost a complete sentence) and then speaks slowly in Japanese.

Image of Strange Video

The bizarre dancing girls are back for the last time. Again it’s the same tune but this time the have to shout and dance to four words instead of six which is a change the manage with admirable ease except for the fact it sounds like they are shouting ‘I was rubbed by two men’.

Image of Strange Video

The bizarre dancing girls fade out, and we a greeted by a strange bald man standing in front of a medical diagram of the human body.

He says ‘I was rubbed by two men’ in perfect English and then continues in speak in perfect Japanese, before disappearing as mysteriously has he appeared.

Image of Strange Video

Unfortunately the video comes to an end before we actually hear Japanese girl actually tell the random cop she was robbed by two men. I’m not sure she could.

I’ve made an attempt to tell you how good this video is, but I think it needs to be seen to be believed.

Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Old Age Afro
Why do grey hairs (so I’ve been told, a-hem) grow in thick and wiry like pubic hair?

I’m afraid that’s not correct, if it were true then all old people would have Afros. I reckon you have confused grey with ginger, which, as we all know, is entirely pubic hair.

Drunken reductions:
Why does it only take me 4 pints to get pissed when 6 years ago I could drink a gallon or 2 and still walk home in a straight line?

That’s a tough question to answer in way that can be understood by people without a doctorate in quantum-bio-physical-physics. In layman’s terms as you get older the symbiotic relationship that your motor-functions have with your brain start to break down , a bit like a married couple slowly drifting apart, the motor-functions can be viewed as the wife and the brain as the drunken wife beater, after years of getting pissed and expecting the wife to carry them home she starts to rebel, eventually one day when you try to walk home after a couple of beers you will find that your motor-functions will have left you for your sub-conscious, torn up all your clothes and saddled you with a 13,000 credit card debt.

Spotty Arse
Why is my belly so spotty at the moment, I also have spots on both my arse cheeks?

Depends, if you have been to Belgium recently then I apologise, if it’s not that then it’s clearly an attempt by your sub-conscious (who hates you) to embarrass you by giving you spots on your stomach and arse. I suspect this is merely phase 1 of its physical attack on you, try to look out for situations that you might sub-consciously put yourself into over the next few weeks which will result in exposure to the public of your spotty arse. For example next time you are Karateifying a mugger in the street ensure your black belt is tightly fastened, I can virtually guarantee if you do not check the belt your pants will fall down and victory will be claimed by your arch-nemesis I like to call Sub-Conoman

Arse in Space.
Anousheh Ansari made history by becoming the first female space tourist. The burning question in my mind though is while she’s up there will she be able to see Uranus?

I would imagine from that vantage point she could quite clear see the many cracks and pot marks of Uranus, because of the hi-tec imaging equipment they have she could almost touch Uranus with her finger, if time allows they could change the flight path to go just around edge of the planet and she could perform a maneuver that cosmonauts call Rimming Uranus.

Scissors Arse?
How did Edward scissor hands go to the loo?

Well at the beginning the answer was “Very Carefully” but after he contacted me I developed an extension to his scissors that allowed him to wipe arse with flagrant disregard to anal safety. I called this tool the “scisonge”, you can try this at home, get a sponge shove a pair of scissors through it and wipe your arse.


If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to or post it in the forum.

Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Happy Curseday
why do we have to sing “Happy Birthday” to people on their birthdays? Its a shit song – why hasn’t anyone challenged the writers and come up with a better one?

For the answer to this I had to dig deep into mythos and ancient law. Turns out Mick that Arthur Pentdragon was the first to utter this curse, yes, your eyes are not lying to you, I said curse, way back when these things were serious buisness, I mean serious, you know them letters that come through the door saying Final Demand and you think “shit, this is serious” well let me tell you thats nothing compared to how serious curses were back then, back when time was a misty shroud suckling at the subtle nipple of fate, “the curse of age” Merlin called it, a curse so powerful it stripped a full year of life from a person.

Later on it became a cheerful way celebrate a persons birthday but little does the world know that this curse is as powerful today as it was in the days of yore.

The proof my friends is all around. Think about it……

You’re wasting you time
Tell me why, you’re my favourite waste of time ?

I’ve just spent the best part of a night answering these questions and you ask me why I am wasting your fucking time????

Specky Bints
why do some women wear glasses in the swimming pool?

I have spent several days outside the female changing rooms at Birtley Baths canvessing women and have come away with 2 things –

1) A restraining order
2) The answer to your question – The female mind is indeed as complex as it mysterious, it appears that women harness the power of there sight to pull themselves along, they use their sight beams to grab on to the opposing pool wall and pull themselves towards it rather like a tractor beam, now some women prefer to use there limbs in the more traditional way and put a force field up to remove the temptation of using their eye beams. Men call these force fields glasses.

Estrogen Fighter 2
Why are women are freakishly talented at beat-em up games?

“The female of the species is more deadlier than the male” This is not a quote from the groovsters Space, or indeed a quote from Kipling, it is in fact a direct translation from Nostrodamous 2nd novel “Other shit thats going to happen” in which he predicts both Street Fighter 2 and Mortal Kombat (he even spelt it right) I realise this does not fully answer your question but I thought you might find it enlightening.

Zombie Shuffle
Why can nobody in films outrun a zombie when they shuffle along at half the pace of a lethargic snail?

Ah, this is a great question, and one steeped in deep science, if you will notice they only ever shoot the zombie coming straight at the camera, if they shifted the camera angle 90 degrees so you would get a side view, it would be come obvious as to why they can catch the victims, because of the level of decay these poor souls have, their stride is approx 12ft meaning for every step they take the victim has to take 6. Its easy when your clever.

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to or post it in the forum.