Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Old Age Afro
Why do grey hairs (so I’ve been told, a-hem) grow in thick and wiry like pubic hair?

I’m afraid that’s not correct, if it were true then all old people would have Afros. I reckon you have confused grey with ginger, which, as we all know, is entirely pubic hair.

Drunken reductions:
Why does it only take me 4 pints to get pissed when 6 years ago I could drink a gallon or 2 and still walk home in a straight line?

That’s a tough question to answer in way that can be understood by people without a doctorate in quantum-bio-physical-physics. In layman’s terms as you get older the symbiotic relationship that your motor-functions have with your brain start to break down , a bit like a married couple slowly drifting apart, the motor-functions can be viewed as the wife and the brain as the drunken wife beater, after years of getting pissed and expecting the wife to carry them home she starts to rebel, eventually one day when you try to walk home after a couple of beers you will find that your motor-functions will have left you for your sub-conscious, torn up all your clothes and saddled you with a 13,000 credit card debt.

Spotty Arse
Why is my belly so spotty at the moment, I also have spots on both my arse cheeks?

Depends, if you have been to Belgium recently then I apologise, if it’s not that then it’s clearly an attempt by your sub-conscious (who hates you) to embarrass you by giving you spots on your stomach and arse. I suspect this is merely phase 1 of its physical attack on you, try to look out for situations that you might sub-consciously put yourself into over the next few weeks which will result in exposure to the public of your spotty arse. For example next time you are Karateifying a mugger in the street ensure your black belt is tightly fastened, I can virtually guarantee if you do not check the belt your pants will fall down and victory will be claimed by your arch-nemesis I like to call Sub-Conoman

Arse in Space.
Anousheh Ansari made history by becoming the first female space tourist. The burning question in my mind though is while she’s up there will she be able to see Uranus?

I would imagine from that vantage point she could quite clear see the many cracks and pot marks of Uranus, because of the hi-tec imaging equipment they have she could almost touch Uranus with her finger, if time allows they could change the flight path to go just around edge of the planet and she could perform a maneuver that cosmonauts call Rimming Uranus.

Scissors Arse?
How did Edward scissor hands go to the loo?

Well at the beginning the answer was “Very Carefully” but after he contacted me I developed an extension to his scissors that allowed him to wipe arse with flagrant disregard to anal safety. I called this tool the “scisonge”, you can try this at home, get a sponge shove a pair of scissors through it and wipe your arse.

 

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