Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Mouse Imp
Also, how does my mouse know where I want to point it on screen? I thought there may be a telepathic imp living in the mouse, waiting for any contact from my hand which would allow it to “mind meld” with me, thus letting him rotate a few cogs to move the pointer on screen. After extensively taking my mouse apart, I can find no such evidence of said being. I then thought that the creature could sense me taking the mouse apart, so I tried wearing oven gloves, which are universally recognised as psychic inhibitors, but again, no sign of the creature. I even tried at night, you know, to catch him asleep, but he alludes me still. All I seem to find is the creature’s toy marble.

I should also note that the spiteful creature refuses to do any work unless I put the marble back in its safety hole. Why must he mock me so?

This is why it takes years of dedication and educationing to become a professor, it took me years of watching spiders to finally understand how they can turn their shit into a home (I made a small fortune selling this research to Barrett Homes).

You are going about your experiment all wrong, if the imp is, as I suspect, from a dimension of space that is made up from dark matter then of course you will not see him, he is essentially invisible. What you need to do is cover the mouse in flour, put it under a microscope and watch to see if any foot prints can be seen. This might take days of patient silent watching perhaps weeks. I’ll be interested in your results. (I, of course, already know the answer but I think it’s important to your development that you undertake this task)

Tracksuit Scum
Fact: The less healthy your lifestyle, the more sports clothing you wear (and the whiter it is)! How come I don’t collapse in a heap when I go to the gym wearing a tracksuit?

What you state as fact I would call laughable propaganda from middle class white collar do-gooders who are trying to besmirch the good name of Chavs. That aside I ran a biometrical profile on your body based on posts in this forum and have come to the conclusion that not only do you not exists (there is a + or – 100% margin of error on this information) but you also have an extremely high fitness level. I could practically guarantee that, based on my findings, you could run a mile in under 3 minutes. You could walk into the gym with a suit of armour on and would not collapse, I envy you.

Magnifying pervert
Why does a magnifying glass enable the sun to set fire to things here on earth? Isn’t it a bit far away?

There, right there, a fundamental misconception on how things work. The sun does not set fire to things through your magnifying glass, it is actually our old friend Gravitron the all Catching, as you can imagine he gets quite bored catching things and chucking them back to earth all day, to alleviate the boredom we believe he has developed a high powered laser pistol that he fires at magnifying glasses. He only does this during the day as he too busy voyeuring on young lovers during the night.

Fish Oxygen
Why do people die when they stay under the water for too long, fish do it all the time and yet they never die?

Basically people die under water because they do not have any oxygen to keep them oxygenasionized, fish get around this by having an inbuilt aqualung. (See diagram)

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

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