Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Happy Curseday
why do we have to sing “Happy Birthday” to people on their birthdays? Its a shit song – why hasn’t anyone challenged the writers and come up with a better one?

For the answer to this I had to dig deep into mythos and ancient law. Turns out Mick that Arthur Pentdragon was the first to utter this curse, yes, your eyes are not lying to you, I said curse, way back when these things were serious buisness, I mean serious, you know them letters that come through the door saying Final Demand and you think “shit, this is serious” well let me tell you thats nothing compared to how serious curses were back then, back when time was a misty shroud suckling at the subtle nipple of fate, “the curse of age” Merlin called it, a curse so powerful it stripped a full year of life from a person.

Later on it became a cheerful way celebrate a persons birthday but little does the world know that this curse is as powerful today as it was in the days of yore.

The proof my friends is all around. Think about it……

You’re wasting you time
Tell me why, you’re my favourite waste of time ?

I’ve just spent the best part of a night answering these questions and you ask me why I am wasting your fucking time????

Specky Bints
why do some women wear glasses in the swimming pool?

I have spent several days outside the female changing rooms at Birtley Baths canvessing women and have come away with 2 things –

1) A restraining order
2) The answer to your question – The female mind is indeed as complex as it mysterious, it appears that women harness the power of there sight to pull themselves along, they use their sight beams to grab on to the opposing pool wall and pull themselves towards it rather like a tractor beam, now some women prefer to use there limbs in the more traditional way and put a force field up to remove the temptation of using their eye beams. Men call these force fields glasses.

Estrogen Fighter 2
Why are women are freakishly talented at beat-em up games?

“The female of the species is more deadlier than the male” This is not a quote from the groovsters Space, or indeed a quote from Kipling, it is in fact a direct translation from Nostrodamous 2nd novel “Other shit thats going to happen” in which he predicts both Street Fighter 2 and Mortal Kombat (he even spelt it right) I realise this does not fully answer your question but I thought you might find it enlightening.

Zombie Shuffle
Why can nobody in films outrun a zombie when they shuffle along at half the pace of a lethargic snail?

Ah, this is a great question, and one steeped in deep science, if you will notice they only ever shoot the zombie coming straight at the camera, if they shifted the camera angle 90 degrees so you would get a side view, it would be come obvious as to why they can catch the victims, because of the level of decay these poor souls have, their stride is approx 12ft meaning for every step they take the victim has to take 6. Its easy when your clever.

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

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