Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Whole hole
If you bored a whole right through the centre of the earth coming out in Australia (just like they do in the Cartoons sometimes) and jumped in the hole, what would happen?

Due to gravimetrical forces being a bit swirly when you get to the centre of the earth you would continue to accelerate even though common sense would dictate that you should be slowing, by the time you burst out of the hole in Australia you would going faster than Richard Hammond could of dream of, you would also stop just as fast as Richard Hammond because as explained above Gravitron would catch you and fling you back to earth.

Of course the trouble with trying this sort of experiment is where to put the debris of digging a hole all the way the centre of the earth, but never fear I have a solution, we would simply dig a hole next to it and put the discarded earth into that. (Hopefully someone might get this joke second time round)

Aciiiiiiiiid
If I have to fall into either a vat of acid or a vat of base (alkali) which is the least painful way to die?

What a strange question. The least painful way by a long chalk would be alkali, you see acid burns your skin off and would slowly dissolve your bones giving you an agonising terrible death, and alkali is just green scum you get on top of a pond, it would take ages to dissolve in scum, in fact you might find it quite pleasant.

Sleep Sex
Who or what controls my breathing when I’m asleep?

Biologifically speaking the makifus-breathicus muscle, the muscle that sucks in air, is autonomous to the human body, it has sybiotical relationship to the human body; in return for sucking in air the makifus-breaticus muscle receives a small portion of sugar from the body’s belly sack, this is turned slowly into sexual energy by the muscle which it expels once it has reached capacity, usually late at night. We call this orgasm a yawn.

Being a horny little bitch it works 24/7, even when we are asleep, in order for it to get more of the sex sugar.

Hot naked women dancing.
How does my oven get hot, I can’t see a fire inside, what’s happening?

This is all based around how your eye beams perceive Ovenian Heat, a heat that can only be found in ovens. Unlike most fire Ovenian heat is extremely aggressive towards the particles in eye beams murdering almost all of them. In real terms all you can see is a slight shimmering in the air.

Some years ago I developed a camera that could film Ovenian Heat and the results were very interesting, as well as Fire you could also, bizarrely, see a naked women dancing in them, you can see footage of this experiment on the opening credits of Tales of the Unexpected.

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.