Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Heavy Balls
I’ve got a question. Why when I throw a ball into the sky does it come back down again? Is there some sort of invisible sky being throwing it back? I ask because I can see the ball stop at its maximum height like it has been caught but then it soon hurtles my way again.

Out of the mouths of idiots. Just as Einstein stumbled on theory of swirly gravity back in the 80’s you have hit by pure chance on the truth about Gravity, it is indeed an invisible force known in the scientifical circles as “Gravitron the all Catching”. Although we have never seen him we know he must be huge with billions of little arms.

We believe there is one sure fire way of catching a glimpse of the behemoth, it is said that if you jump backwards out of a window you can briefly see him waving.

Butch Deviants
If bakers bake does a grocer groce? Are all butchers butch?

Through asking this question you have stumbled onto a grotesque facade of English life that could rock our society to the core. They are not as they seem, simple salt of the earth Agatha Christie type people, not by a long chalk, young ladies. They are miscreants and deviants of Faustian magnitude, they mock us by hiding in broad daylight, for example all you need to do is add the words “Of Durham” to the word Butcher to glimpse into the real world these devils hide.

Except the candle makers, they are dreamy.

Bendy Piss
Why are bananas yellow?

Quite simply they have no piss pipe, so in order to get rid of their waste fluid they literally sweat piss, this stains their comedy death skins a bright yellow. The waste fluid is collected by poor children and used in the production of toothpaste.

Check out this
Why do my numbers never come up on the lottery?

Basically you hate yourself, your subconscious knows very well what numbers are going to come up but flatly refuse to tell you because that would be a kind thing, something that Subconotron would never do, a bit like when your trying to pay to for your weekly shopping and you forget your chip and pin number, and the massive queue behind you is looking at you as if you’re the thickest person in the world, and the bitch of a check-out girl calls the manager over the tannoy all the time your Sub conscious is pissing himself like a banana with laughter, and only after you have suffered the ignominy of being escorted out of the shop does he pipe up and whisper into your mind “it was a 6 not a 9”. The bastard!

Catflap on a Horse
Just short of calling it “Catflap”! If you put a door inside a door would you be able to sell the idea to Hollywood as some new ‘Star Gate’ type movie-idea and make millions, just like Michael Crichton seems to do with every sodding idea he seems to get? A mosquito stuck in amber! – What the f*** is that?

I’m afraid the door within door is called a postbox, and the film about it has already been done by Kevin Costner in the film “Postman” where he plays a postman from the future who travels back to the past to deliver post by horse. At least that’s how I remember it. I was too busy developing a way of extracting a dinosaur from a flea at the time to notice.

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.