Ask the Fucking Professor

Here at ObscureInternet headquarters have the Professor Lazarus working hard to solve life’s most mysterious mysteries. So now thanks to a four day beating he has agreed to answer any question on any subject, here follows some of the most stupid questions

Small Breath of Air
If I was the size of a flea, would it still be possible to use my current method of breathing to extract oxygen from the air. As I shrank in size would the oxygen molecules become too large for me to continue to breath properly?

You know, one of the frustrating things of having an intellect like mine is that it sucks the joy out of movies.

“Honey I shrunk the kids” made me physically sick, and not because of Rick Moranis’s arm snappingly bad performance, rather the utter lack of scientification employed in its in premise.

You are totally right, as you shrink the air molecules would be become to large to breath, those kids, by rights, should have collapsed and died in under 30 seconds, but no, they happily went on riding ants and dodging sweeping brushes

One answer of course it to wear an aqua lung and shrink that down as well. But the problem is not in the shrinking, that has been done several times under laboratory conditions (see the documentary “Fantastic Voyage” for further details) but the rebigification process that is the rub. Early attempts were less than successful, Robert Wadlow, Andrea the Giant, Shirley Crabtree, are all examples of rebigification experiments on dwarfs that went horribly wrong. I myself tried rebigification on certain appendages of my anatomy, and although my wife thinks it was a success, I can no longer wear trunks in public.

So the answer is this. Yes it is possible to be the size of a flea and use, with apparatus, your current method of breathing. But you could end up 18 feet tall when you return. Of course this would be useful if you had to paint the back of your house as you would not have to climb dangerous ladders, but think of the clothing costs.

Pretty Fly Philosophy
On my way into work I saw a tiny fly on the train window. I know without doubt that this fly can never comprehend the intimate details of quantum theory. Although many people are the same however, some really clever people like yourself can no doubt understand almost fully.

Do you think there are topics that no matter how smart we get we could never hope to understand. Not for lack of trying but just a fundamental barrier beyond which we cannot understand or are we different. Does the fact that we can understand somethings mean that given enough time and resources we could understand everything?

I sometimes stare at the infinite night sky and think, how? Then I quickly remember, oh yes, that’s how. Now I could explain how but I am afraid the keyboard I am using does not have the correct symbols required to show you. Suffice to say most of the big questions have been answered, but there is little point trying to explain to the tiny fly’s that is humanity as they simply just wont get it, perhaps in a few generations, who knows? For now we will just let the likes of Hawkins peddle their childish musings onto the world.
However, for the moment consider this; that fly on the window. Who was watching who and contemplating quantum theory? The answer may be the start of your enlightenment.

Drink Milk
Why does milk taste different if you drink it outside?

Well its all about milk being sentient, yes, that’s right, milk thinks, it also has feelings. When you take it outside, it gets colder and shivers. It does this by moving its molecules faster, which translates to the human tongue as a change in taste. It taste’s better. Its similar with chips, eaten outside in newspaper, the only difference is the chips are not shivering, they are reading.

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.