Things not to say to your child

yelling at kids

Recently an article was written discussing a few things you should never say to your child. Here is their list:

  1. Leave me alone!
  2. You’re so…
  3. Don’t cry
  4. Why can’t you be more like your sister?
  5. You know better than that!
  6. Stop or I’ll give you something to cry about
  7. Wait till daddy gets home!
  8. Hurry Up!
  9. Great job! Or Good Girl!

The article sites reasons why you should not say these things to you kids by doctors, P.H.D.’s and people in the know.

There are of course many more things you should never say to your child and we will explore a few now:

The cake is in the oven, do you wish to join it?

Mom, you must understand that after letting us lick the spoon we as children already have a taste for cake. Once the cake begins baking it smells oh so delicious and being children we are impatient. The cake smells done so why can’t we eat it? There is no need to go all Hansel and Gretel on us.

Watch where you’re going fatty!

You know you tripped me, why are you pretending I fell? Maybe it is because at age nine I am already developing man-boobs and I’m top heavy, but I can still walk in short durations. I saw that smile on your face as I held my ice cream tightly. You knew the only way it would fall was if I fell with it. Now you owe me a new ice cream. Pay up old man!

The guy at Gamestop said this game system is better.

You stupid whore, I sent you to Gamestop with specific instructions to get me an Xbox 360. I understood due to years of me screaming at you there was not much left upstairs which is why I printed out a listing of the 360 for you to use. I figured being the domesticated cow you are that using a shopping list would be second nature, but as I see by this console called the Wii Station X made in North Korea, that you have failed me once again.

I’m short this week.

And yet I saw you buying yet another box of wine. How is it that you can afford products from some website called Mommies little vibrating secret, but you cannot pay me my full allowance on time? Do you want me to call child services? I know how to make it look like you beat me. Also, there is that video I recorded of you with the next door neighbor who happens to also be married. You will pay me triple my rate in three days or this goes up on my Facebook page!

This is your dog.

No it’s not! It’s bad enough you spend all your free time in World of Warcraft stealing the guild leadership from me, but now after Mr. Ruffles dies because you forgot to feed him you have the audacity to try and replace him with a cheap imitation? Mr. Ruffles was brown and had a white stripe on his stomach, this dog is black! I bet you would notice if I gemmed your tier nine armor incorrectly. I demand satisfaction or I swear I will take your character to a populated zone and start telling racist jokes.

In closing, don’t have kids.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.