Scambaiter – Fun with Bots – Marissa explains it all

Scams come in all shapes and sizes, but they are usually ridiculously poor. The latest type of scam is a series of rather pathetic bots which infest Yahoo Messenger. These bots pretend to be a sexy young lady who wants to meet you, just before giving the a link to some awful website. If you click the link your personal details are sent straight to a Cyber-cafe in Nigeria and your soul becomes propriety of scientology.

Scambaiter – Bimpe – The Return

Bimpe was a scammer I’d spoke to before, but said she didn’t love me anymore after a disagreement over an Elephant. This time she had some to forgotten all about that.

[17:38] bimpe: Hello hun
[17:39] bimpe: How u doing today?
[17:39] Glen: I am good, how are you.
[17:39] bimpe: Im doing great? Where u now?
[17:40] bimpe: im in west africa now doing some workand u?
[17:40] Glen: I am at home, I just my computer working again.
[17:40] Glen: I am in England

[17:40] bimpe: Okie cool. hun i could like u to come olver here in west africa cos im really stuck here
[17:41] Glen: You are stuck?
[17:41] bimpe: yes hun… really hard…that’s why i need u to come and get me out of here….cos i own the hotel manager some money which i can afford
[17:42] bimpe: so…im just really upset
[17:43] Glen: oh that is bad. Why do you owe the money?
[17:44] bimpe: I stay here with him and he seize my visa and travel document that’s why i could nt be back to nothingham
[17:44] bimpe: since last 7 month…
[17:44] bimpe: beside all the goods i want to sell cost about 4,900$ all the document of the Goods ‘re with him
[17:45] bimpe: and i dont have any money to pay him so i can get all the document back…he is just playing me …and i dont want that..
[17:45] Glen: oh that is very bad…
[17:45] Glen: you want me to come over and smash his face in..?

[17:47] bimpe: Wow….u understand what i mean hun
[17:47] bimpe: u so intelligent 
[17:47] bimpe: so how is work and england?
[17:47] Glen: All is good, I am doing all the stuff
[17:48] bimpe: hun can u call him so u can talk to him concerning the money i own him hun
[17:48] bimpe: cos i will be paying this bill next week tuesday okie the bill is about 570$ so it left to u okie
[17:48] Glen: I will not do much talking.
[17:48] Glen: I will hurt him good.

[17:49] bimpe: okie….hun can u email him?
[17:50] Glen: what do I tell him?
[17:50] bimpe: may be i shd give u his email address cos he will reply u soon as posible cos he is always with his laptop
[17:50] Glen: yes, that is good idea.
[17:50] bimpe: the payment
[17:50] Glen: I will pay him with many kicks to the lungs
[17:51] bimpe: sure?
[17:51] Glen: I will eat his arms off
[17:51] bimpe: sure
[17:51] bimpe: are u still single hun?
[17:52] Glen: I am very single
[17:52] bimpe: and how is work 
[17:52] Glen: I still think of you all the time.
[17:52] Glen: Perhaps you could send me your pic, I lost the last one

[17:53] bimpe: okie hun…
[17:53] bimpe: me too i think of u all the time
[17:53] bimpe: cos im always honey all day and night
[17:53] Glen: tell me more….
[17:54] bimpe: sure?
[17:54] Glen: yes, I want to hear more…
[17:55] bimpe: im here looking for fair, kind, decent and cheerful for the man which in the future it becomes possible my husband. I the nice cheerful and charming woman to whom has bothered to be one. I search for the one to whom I can present the tenderness and love. I the interesting and individual woman. I love sports, tourism and reading of interesting historical novels. 
[17:56] bimpe: I search for the one to whom I can present the tenderness and love. I am honest, loyal, faithful, trusting, kind, caring, loving and fun, with a compassionate and generous nature. Some time I have a wild adventurous side of me, I definitely have morals and integrity but some time its guide my behavior in some ways or another,im always single all my life looking for thr right and the honest man..
[17:56] bimpe: who will always take care of me….I don’t play games with a person heart or their feelings. I am very ambitious and intelligent, I also have a wonderful attitude about life. I have a wonderful sense of humor. 
[17:57] Glen: yes, that is all very good
[17:57] bimpe: I can easily adapt to most situations. I love to travel, explore new things, catch a movie, or read a book, I love listen to variety of music, I enjoy in sharing a meaningful, intimate conversation with my partner. I believe in communication, honest, trust and respect are very important in any relationship I’m involved in.
[17:57] Glen: so what are you like in bed?
[17:57] bimpe: and u re that man
[17:57] bimpe: just lonely
[17:57] bimpe: some times i do watch movies when im lonely
[17:57] bimpe: so i think u could have to talk to him weel
[17:58] Glen: what movies?
[17:59] bimpe: sex
[17:59] bimpe: u shd expect me to watch that when i dont see any man beside me
[17:59] bimpe: i wish im with u hun
[18:00] Glen: yes, what do you do when you watch movie?
[18:00] bimpe: just play with my self hun
[18:01] Glen: tell me more
[18:01] bimpe: hun i just cant hun i wanna be with u

I think she loves me again.

J.A. Cares: Suing McDonalds

I have received hundreds (5) of e-mails regarding the J.A. Cares initiative. I feel a joy in my heart that goes all the way down to my bowels about the positive responses I have received. While I did not do this for my personal pleasure or gain, I have to admit this feeling ranks up there with taking a piss in a dark alley when you really needed to go.

Today issue comes from Phillip Sherman of Fayetteville, Arkansas.

J.A. I need your help. I just learned about your care program and I could use some help since you dealt with that lady and her i-phone photo issue. Here is the story. My wife sent me nude pictures of herself to my phone. After wanking to it I got hungry and went to my local McDonalds. I must have left my phone on the counter while taking my tray to the seat and I didn’t notice it was gone until I got home.

So, I returned to the McDonalds and they couldn’t find it. I was upset, but was willing to deal with it. Two weeks later my wife screams out from the bedroom. This was unusual because I wasn’t in there with her. I run in to find her on the bed with our laptop crying. It turns out her pictures got posted on the internet and worst yet, it had all her personal information as well.

Needless to say life since then has sucked major ass. She received so many sick text messages and phone calls we had to cancel our phone. It was like 4chan and Sarah Palin all over again except this time with dildos. Yeah, that’s right; they got our home address and sent us anonymous packages with things like anal lube and dildo’s. In the end we had to move and go underground like we were in witness protection.

My question to you J.A. is this. I want to sue McDonalds for ruining my life. How much should I sue them for? I’m thinking eleventy billion dollars.

Thank you for your e-mail Phillip,

You have a number of issues here, so, I will try to address them all. The first thing is, eleventy is not a real word. While it was used in an awesome Saturday Night Live skit it is not a real word. For years now I have petitioned to have it added to the dictionary, but alas, my efforts have failed.

Your second major issue is you still eat at McDonalds. Honestly unless you are sixteen and broke or if you are high you should not eat at McDonalds. Honestly, if you are high White Castle is a much better option.

Third, wanking to your wife should be a federal crime. Even if your wife is hot and judging by the fact you live in Arkansas and eat at McDonalds I doubt she is. One should never wack-off to their wife because it sends a message that you are thinking about her more than you have to and that is just wrong. Be a man like the rest of us and jerk it to those free thirty second clips of porn on the internet.

Finally, never look a gift horse in the mouth. You are getting free dildos and other porn related accessories. Do you even know how much people pay for that kind of stuff? Anal lube is like oil, you can never have too much. Porn paraphernalia is expensive. For example my real doll costs….sorry….my editor told me not to speak about my real doll.

My advice to you is, find a local television station and get them to put your story on the air. Next you send a lawyer over to McDonalds and get them to pay you a few million dollars even though this is completely your fault. They paid the coffee spilling lady so they will pay you. Next, dump your wife claiming she cheated on you with one of the people who saw her picture. Finally, cash the check and open your own porn site where you paid sexy women to take bad camera phone pictures and upload them. You can claim they are stolen and rake in the cash because at heart most of us are perverted bastards.

Also, five percent goes to me for the idea.

P.S. Make it ten percent, Obscure-Internet wants their cut too.

MySpace Interview – Desolation Yes

So, who are you anyway?

We’re Desolation Yes!

Describe your sound for us.

Hmmm, sort of industrial / techno/ rock pop; we’re told we’re highly infectious and will bury ourselves deep into your subconscious forever and ever. 

So you rate yourself then?

It’s not about rating yourself, everyone knows that!

Who are your influences?

We all have unbelievably large music collections so our influences come from all over the place. The Prodigy, Gary Numan, Depeche Mode, David Bowie, Faithless, Massive Attack, Ladytron and Muse. Then there are others like Johnny Cash, Bob Dylan, Kylie Marilyn Manson; the list is endless.

Tell us one of your musical secrets.

I couldn’t possibly!

What’s in the future?

Michael J Fox? The future is so hard to predict, I’m always surprised everytime something happens. I’d maybe put my money on mechanical human improvements (I’ve been reading a lot of Kevin Warrick recently).

What’s your claim to fame?

Ally went on a bender with Joey Ramone but got so drunk that he lost his number.

Musically, where do you see yourself in 10 years time?

Playing music through circuit implants connected to our brains.

Myspace or Facebook?

They’re all the same really.

MySpace Interview – Grandma Caesar

Describe your sound for us.

I am Grandma Caesar. As a solo artist, I mostly play swamp blues. as a member of Narcotic Lollipop, I play grungy garagey psych-punk-pop rock.

So you rate yourself then?

Yes. Occasionally, late at night, I rate myself then.

Who are your influences?

The Beatles. and Nirvana. and perhaps about two thousand others. and that’s all.

Tell us one of your musical secrets.

I record at home on a Tascam 688. it’s an 8-track recorder that uses standard cassettes. i pretend to know what i’m doing.

What’s in the future?

We all die.

What’s your claim to fame?

I’m half of Narcotic Lollipop and Bipolar Audio. i was a member of Incredible Toothpick Monster. i write a blog on myspace called Things That Shape, these are interesting or bizarre things that have happened to me during my life, things that have affected my view of the world (and may affect yours). i’m also in a video about chemtrails.

Musically, where do you see yourself in 10 years time?

Playing a harp.

Myspace or Facebook?

Your space or mine?

Scambaiter – talkmebabe – Talk to Me

talkmebabe (we could only assume they meant to pick the user name talktomebabe) is another person who randomly contacted me via Yahoo Messenger, but instead of wanting to give me their undying love I was going to be offered a brilliant part time job.

(12:51:30 PM) talkmebabe: Are U Intrested In a Part-time Job Offer 
(12:51:49 PM) c64glen: maybe, tell me more about it
(12:53:25 PM) talkmebabe: First off all  i will like to know your asl and Am 28/female / England, london, I work for  BenMarvic Textiles company Inc. in uk
(12:53:56 PM) c64glen: 32/m/North East, England
(12:56:51 PM) talkmebabe: Our main factory is located in Uk were we extract the raw materials need for the manufacturing of fabrics
(12:57:00 PM) c64glen: so what do I do?
(12:57:35 PM) talkmebabe: We manufacture duvets,pillows,bedlinen, covers, mink blankets, satin bedspread.
(1:00:20 PM) c64glen: aye, so what do I do?
(1:01:04 PM) talkmebabe: These are the main Products which we manufacture and supply to our customers to our customers out there in the states
(1:01:16 PM) talkmebabe: So we are looking for a representative in the states, someone who would help us recieve payments from our customers in the states.
(1:01:16 PM) c64glen: aye, so what do I do?
(1:01:35 PM) talkmebabe: My customers will pay in money for the products they bought to you through your EQUITY LINE OF CREDIT ACCOUNT. You will be receiving the payment through your Equity Line of Credit to maintain trust on both ends. With your line of credit, it will show that you received some funds and also that you don’t get away with the company fund.  
(1:01:55 PM) c64glen: boring, cut to the chase please
(1:03:33 PM) talkmebabe: After you receive the funds, you withdraw it and send the money to the Branch which will be provided to you. You will be getting 10% of any money transferred to you for working with the company. Efficiency and honesty is required in this business. 
(1:04:22 PM) c64glen: so how is that a part time job?
(1:04:38 PM) talkmebabe: Wht Do u mean  
(1:05:08 PM) talkmebabe: Man If U want to Work Then let get Start and Stop This Question 
(1:05:33 PM) c64glen: stop asking questions? 
(1:05:55 PM) talkmebabe: Wht u Ask Don Make Any Meaning 
(1:06:57 PM) c64glen: “Wht u Ask Don Make Any Meaning ” has no meaning. 
(1:07:20 PM) c64glen: If you are supposed to be English, try and learn the language. 
(1:07:44 PM) talkmebabe: ok
(1:08:04 PM) c64glen: so, how many people fall for this?

You really can’t stress that enough; if you are pretending to be English, don’t type like a Nigerian scammer.

The Black Friday Report

Black Friday

Your roving reporter J.A. Laraque has traveled across Miami, Florida to bring you this exclusive report on the phenomena known as Black Friday. For those of you who do not know what black Friday is, it is the day that everyone becomes a crazed early morning shopper, hunting for those earth shattering deals.

Ever laugh at the women who wake up at five in the morning to go shopping for a bed in a bag? When driving home from the bar and you see a line of pasty white, overweight teenagers camped outside of the video game store, do you laugh? If you said yes and believe this behavior is localized to those subspecies then you are wrong.

Have you even been to someone’s home who you know has an awful job and yet has an awesome fifty-one inch HDTV? Chances are if they did not steal it, they got it on black Friday. These bargain hunters will camp outside your local electronics store for up to ten hours to get that television half off. Normal men who would never be caught in a mall will load up their truck with beer and head out ready to do battle to get in, get the deal and get out.

Obscure-Internet asked me to report on this after Thanksgiving tradition, so, I went undercover and what I found was both mind numbing and sad.

I decided to go to a Best Buy. It is a super-chain electronics store. The store was not to open until six in the morning and I foolishly believed I could show up at five. I was horribly mistaken. The line was around the building twice. Stranger yet, I noticed everyone in line was extremely ugly. I had to assume for the sake of humanity that this was due to the ingestion of turkey coupled with the small amount of beauty sleep.

It was a cold morning, well cold for Miami. I expected to find mostly college kids and men over thirty-five who pretend they are twenty-five. What I found were people from every walk of life, but what saddened me the most (besides the ugly) was the number of mother’s there with their babies in the strollers.

I soon discovered that lack of sleep plus standing in line with strangers equals high tensions. There were several police cars parked in front of the store as several fights broke out. They were not bar fights, they were more like two nerds fighting over which anime was better. There were a lot of wild swings and breaks for these out of shape ultimate fighters to catch their breaths.

Black Friday participants have their own codes and ethics. One code I learned was that you do not cut in line and you do not hold spots for your friends. A young man, who I assumed was new to the Black Friday world, was kicked in the nuts when he tried to cut in front of a teenage girl. They called his punishment, the cunt punt, even though the young lady was actually very nice.

Best Buy had a ticket system. As they only had select products on special, there was a limit. They decided to hand out tickets with the name of the product, so, if you wanted that HDTV, you would get an HDTV ticket so you would not get beaten out by someone who is faster at running though the store. The biggest fight of the night occurred when it was discovered that the Best Buy representative was handing out fake tickets. He would tell people he had one left and make people bid for it. He made quite a few hundred dollars until someone figured it out. I saw him disappear in a sea of angry people and never heard from him again.

Once the doors finally opened the madness continued as hundreds of people poured into the store. It was a fire marshals nightmare as the store was completely packed. This would be a gropers dream except most of the boobs were on the men. I then realized why the mother’s brought their children in the strollers. The combination of kids and strollers made a great battering ram. They would use them to plow their way to what they wanted and when they slammed into you, all you could do was turn around, see the baby and then walk away depressed.

Many people also used their kids to try and get around the one per person per item rule. The cashier was not fooled as she knew an eight year old would not be able to purchase, much less carry, a forty-five inch HDTV.

All in all it was a sad night of people proving that when the zombie apocalypse comes we will need to trim a lot of fat from the human population before we rebuild our society. However, I did purchase a Nintendo Wii for fifty bucks. I do not plan to play it, just video tape myself beating it to death with a bat Office Space style.

I hate the Wii!

This is J.A. Laraque, reporting for Obscure-Internet news.