Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? 
KevB, Forum

There are 2 plausible answers to this.

The first is that given a chucking distance of 1m (seems reasonable) – and a woodchuck of mass 3.3kg (roughly avr. mass), the maximum energy that this wood chuck could have for throwing wood is:

e=mc2
e=3.3*(3*10^8 )2=2.97*1017

minimum velocity required to chuck a piece of wood 1m :

s=ut+0.5at2
max efficiency at 45 degrees
(1,0)=(2-0.5)(V,V)+0.5(0,-9.8 )(t2);
(2-0.5)=V=0.707
o E=1/2mv2 …looking for m
2.97*1017=0.5*m*(0.7072)

roughly 1*1018 kg of wood could potentially be chucked by a woodchuck operating at maximum efficiency (this is only an approximate maximum limit).

The second answer is more complicated and involves my patented woodchuck wood chucker which is a device currently being used by the East Brazilian Deforestation Company. It exploits the Woodchucks natural predisposition to chuck wood coupled with a hydraulically driven grabber/catapult called the grabberpult. The end result is the woodchuck can chuck approximately 3 square miles of rain forest per hour.

Why do my shoes squeak when it’s wet?
Crag2804, forum

As I have mentioned before, many seemingly mundane objects have intelligence, indeed in the case of the humble shoe it actually has a soul. The ancient Greeks were aware of this and is the reason why the bottom of a shoe is called a heel.

Now, what is not widely know is that shoes are actually allergic to water, the sound you hear is the shoe whimpering in pain.

What is it about women?
Mick, Forum

They are funny breed aren’t they? I have conducted many experiments on women to try to find exactly what makes them tick, what, fundamentally, makes them different to men. There are the obvious differences such as handbags and lipstick various jiggly bits and bods, but I wanted to get under the bonnet, take a peek into the very workings of the female mind.

So I developed the Pysco-analysisotronometer, which works in a similar to X-rays but instead of bones it takes a snap shot of what your brain is thinking about. What I found shook me to the core, over 89% of all female brain activity is dedicated to taking over the world and disposing of all Men. The results are quite incontrovertible.

I have submitted the results to the UN, hopefully a full scale pre-emptive strike will be deployed to these enemies within.

On sign posts it always says things like The South, Darlington 10m, etc. etc. So why do they not say how far it is to “The South”
Gazza, Forum

This is because the distance to The South is constantly changing due to the enormously complicated way the UK government determines where The South is. Basically they tag all the cockney’s and work out where the majority of them are, in ordinary circumstance the majority are in London, however as more Cockney’s emigrate to Spain or the Falklands The South slowly moves further, erm, south.

My name is Miss Lissette Beka, i am 23yrs old lady from Sierra leone, Africa. Please, i have contacted you because of the problem that i am having over claiming my inherited money from a financial institution. I have been asked to get a reliable foriegn partner who can help me and stand for me because i am here as a refugee and it is against the law for a refugee to do such a financial transaction that worths over 2 million dollars.Please, reply back to me if you are willing to help me and i will be glad to give you more details to contact the financial institution for the transaction.

Ah Miss Lissette, you have come to the right place, I will be more than happy to be your “reliable foreign partner” simply reply to this mail with your bank details and a western union check for £100 and I will sort out your problems.

All I wanna do, is Zoom-a-Zoom Zoom Zoom, If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.    

Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

What was it like in Portsmouth in the late 1980s ?
hansisland, Forum

How perceptive of you, there is perhaps only 6 people alive today that know there was something terribly strange about Portsmouth in the late 80’s. Due to a freak Ionic storm over the town it became a hotspot for tumble drier related deaths. The News Enforcers kept it quiet as it was there already far too much news in that period what with Tiananmen Square and US forces ousting General Noriega from Panama, (Which was a massive blow to holiday hat makers) but I can tell you it was a blood bath Portsmouth, in a 1 week period over 17 people were murdified by the tumble driers, their statically charged corpse’s where taken to morgues, the deathitists there found it almost impossible to iron them.

Whats the name of that song i liked on the chris moyles Jan 10 show this morning?
Mick, Forum

Unless I am very much mistaken on Wednesday January 10th DJ Chris Moyles played the Carl Douglas classic “Kung Fu Fighting” which is scientifically proven to be sonicationally perfect.

Why is mercury the only metal liquid at room temperature?
Crag2804, Forum

Aha! I suspect you are trying to catch me out with a trick question, there are actually several metals that are liquid at room temperature, it all depends on the room you are in, for example, tungsten steel is liquid when placed in a very hot room, as is tin and sweetcorn. Haha! you have to get up pretty early in the morning to outfox the foxster.

Incidentally Bromine is also liquid at “normal” room temperature, but that’s not really a metal, its an African American coal mine.

When you break glass you get a particular sound, where does that sound come from. I see no mouths or speakers on the glass?
Crag2804, Forum

The sound that is produced comes from the molecules screaming, as we know molecules are tiny but they do have comparably large mouths, much like a small child can produce ear bleedingly high decibels when punched in their kidney these molecules can emits a crashing sound, but do not be fooled, it is in fact a death scream.

Would I be happier in my next life as an elephant or a mouse?
Crag2804, Forum

Undoubtedly the elephant, mice have a crap life, I should know, most of my more pointless experiments involve killing several hundred mice (most of the time they are not required, its just become a habit, a trade mark if you will)

The “Does Warm water freeze faster then cold water” experiment alone ended the lives of 1700 mice (I used them as accelerants).

Elephants on the other hand are rarely used in experiments as it costs a fortune to get a correct sized Bunsen burner.

Why do my shoes squeak when it’s wet?
Crag2804, Forum

As I have mentioned before, many seemingly mundane objects have intelligence, indeed in the case of the humble shoe it actually has a soul. The ancient Greeks were aware of this and is the reason why the bottom of a shoe is called a heel.

Now, what is not widely know is that shoes are actually allergic to water, the sound you hear is the shoe whimpering in pain.

Billie Jean is not my lover, but If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.    

Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Blonde Cycle.
What happens during that period in the middle of the washing machine cycle when my machine seems to stop for a wee while and do nothing before and then start doing stuff again?

Have you tried spinning at 1200 rpm for 3 minutes? understandably the washing machine gets very dizzified and needs to stop for what is known by Plumbertists as the Blonde Cycle. This is not because its dizzy (although that would be funny in a 1950’s sort of way) rather it is an acronym for Balance Limit Of New Device Equalization Cycle. It takes approximately 2 minutes for the washer to recover.

Eye beams
When you are sneaking around outside in the dark putting down “f*ck off dog” pellets and spraying your drive with chlorine to stop the neighbours muts from …. anyway when you’re outside at night; how come whenever you look at a house where they’re watching TV with the lights off, the television glow is always blue?

How many times do I have to explain how your sight works before it sinks in? The TV does not send out light, your eye beams retrieve information from the TV and takes them back to your eyes for processing, now, when you can only see a darkened room your internal eye beam translitron merely processes the darkness and adds a blue hue. Just to save further questions this is why the sky and the sea are blue.

Chicken Cream
I had ‘Cream of Chicken soup’ today. How do you get cream out of a chicken?

Just as you need to beat an egg to get it to a creamy consistency the same applies to an adult egg. To get cream out of a chicken you need to beat it off with a stick.

Bose-Einstein condensate
I’ve always been told that when a liquid is heated it changes into a gas. When I boil an egg, however, it solidifies. wtf?

This is because the natural state of an egg is not as previously thought liquid but is in fact, Bose-Einstein condensate (Bose-Einstein condensation or BOC occurs when a gas of atoms is cooled until the de Broglie wavelength of the atoms becomes comparable to the distance between them. The atoms then collapse into the same quantum ground state.) the core temperature of an egg is a minute fraction (billionths of a degree) above absolute freezing. The act of boiling it simply changes the state up to a normal solid, In order to turn an egg into liquid you would need to place it into a JT-60 (JAERI Tokamak-60) reactor and heat it to 520 million degrees Kelvin. Or just drop it, once it cracks it instantly becomes liquid at room temperature, this involves high speed aircraft and is known as the Eggalation effect.

Hey Kids, If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.   

HansIsland 32

Prune Juice should be classed as a lethal weapon and Mounties always get their man
Mounties love men
Dark Matter, Black Matter, Doesnt matter
Mr T. has known about this for years.
Wilhelm Reich, Nikola Tesla and TH Moray where all right. Free energy for everyone.
Get Giant Squid, Darth Vaders ship and salty cornflakes pumped right into your earsockets
Download the hansisland podcast and unplug yourself for a wee while
Just dont wet your pants

[audio:http://hansisland.mypodcasts.net/get.php?web=hansisland-2007-01-12-26630.mp3]

Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

One touch attraction
What will i do with all my old VHS tapes?

Well, I personally would strip the tape from the cassettes and then wrap myself up in it. VHS tape has long been known to attract women.

Strange luck
This morning was strange and I’m not sure if I should consider myself lucky or unlucky. I woke at 8:00 am, an hour later than I should have done and definitely missing the 7:49 train I normally catch. After changing the cat litter and feeding them I ran to the train station to find that the train I should have caught didn’t turn up at all. I got the 8:20 train and made my way into work. On the one hand I got up late, had to skip breakfast and hurt my knee running for the train. This is obviously unlucky. To counter this though I got an extra hour in bed and by missing the train that never turned up I avoided standing about in the cold for 35 minutes.

So how did fortune shine on me today? Was I lucky or unlucky?

I strongly believe that your sub-concious is setting you up for a HUGE fall, its making you think that you may be lucky. Your not, no-one is, luck is tool that your sub-concious uses to make you temporatly happy in order to make your eventual fall from grace to be all the more worse. Be ever on your guard against the devil inside.

Christmas Shopping
Why is that the week before christmas the supermarket is extremely busy and people stop and gossip in the middle of the aisle refusing to let you pass, they also seem to manage to do this right in front of something I need. It really touches my last nerve!!

I can only agree, there is no scientific reason why this happens, I ran several computer simulations and each one ended in a fat old women standing in front of the Gin.
As ever I have a solution. When I added a small callibre pistol to the simulation I found the shopping experiance was virtually stress free and quick.

Here is ALL todays news
How come there is just enough news everyday to fill a newspaper?

The little known news quota is agreed by the United Nations every 4 years. Basically they determine how many different things can happen every day, if any more news than the agreed quota happens then the Multi-National news enforcers swoop in and stop it happening sometimes with tragic results. For example when Princess Dianna was about to reveal she was pregnant with Dodi Fayed child the quota was already far exceeded for that 24 hour period so the French arm of the News Enfourcers swooped in on there moped’s. The rest is History.

Punchy Relationship
How do i get Girls to like me, but not have a relationship with me?

Well I suppose you could just chat to them, buy them a drink, find out what they like and discuss there favourite films etc. Then when the moment comes that you would normally engage in a relationship simply punch them in the face and move onto to the next poor trollop.

 

Yabba Dabba Do. If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.  

Celebrity Big Brother 5

We all knew the big event of the week. We knew how it would develop.

The man at the centre of the storm was led, unsteadily, up the steps. All around him were cheers, jeers and obscenities, all aimed at him. He shrugged them off. He was safe within the courage of his convictions. He knew this was how it would be. But he would have the last laugh, by showing no fear.

Wobbling, he approached the summit of that dreadful walk. His short term future now all too apparent.

And then…the doors opened, and Ken Russell hobbled into the Big Brother house!

Fooled you eh? In the second big story of the week, some bloke is being questioned for having something of a sensitive video on his mobile, but I presume that it will be one of these “happy slapping” things, which I don’t understand. So I’ll leave that, and back to the star attraction.

Celeb BB was launched as per usual with the tabloids bringing extra hype to the party, by dropping the names of every slightly barmy celeb from here to LA, in the hope that the BB producers are reading. They weren’t, sadly, and these are the deadbeats and no-hopers that we ended up with:

Leo SayerDanielle Lloyd.

Apparently a former Miss Great Britain, but then stripped of the title in scandalous circumstances. She had, seemingly, had sex with Teddy Sheringham, then failed to do a hilarious “Dribble before you shoot, Teddy?” gag afterwards. Clearly a treasonable offence. Current odds: 20/1

Ken Russell.

Hugely eccentric film director. Apparently made some quite controversial films, but I’ve never seen  any of them. I’m in no position to comment, then. He did, however, come dressed as former Tito Santana alter-ego ‘El Matador’. Respect. May have been on the gin before arriving. Current odds: 10/1

Jo O’Meara

The non-eye-candy one out of  S Club 7. Seemed quite normal, and down to earth. Won it then eh? Current odds: 4/1 Fav.

Leo SayerLeo Sayer

his name is rhyming slang for an ‘all-dayer’ he was aware of this, and made reference to it on TV. For this, he must not be allowed to win. Celebs must be only vaguely aware of their cultural influence. Seemed to know everyone else. Scarf by Topman; hair by Scottish Electric. Current odds: 5/1

Jermaine Jackson.

5th choice from the Jackson 5 – coming in last behind Michael (too mental); Tito (doing Just the Two of Us on the Beeb); Marlon (Missing in action) and the ridiculously named Jackie Jackson. Jermaine now sports a ridiculous haircut, and committed the cardinal sin of wearing sunglasses in the dark, while it was raining. Current odds: a value-tastic 40/1

Leo SayerShilpa Shetty

Bollywood actress. No, I don’t know either. Current odds: 20/1

Carole Malone

Man-hating-isn’t everything-shit-except-in-my-middle-class-safe-haven columnist from the Daily Mirror. Clearly the most sexist, but far from the sexiest. Current odds: 50/1 outsider

Donny Tourette

Now I’m struggling. Supposedly in a band, but I fancy not one member of the general populace could name on of their songs. Thought he was Liam Gallagher. Wasn’t. First one out, I fancy. Current odds: 12/1

Leo SayerIan “H” Watkins

Why is he called H? It doesn’t even crop up in his name! Unless his middle name is Hubert. That would explain a lot. For those of you that don’t know, he’s the bowl cut sporting line dancing homosexual from 90’s cheese meisters Steps. Hopefully, he will die when in the house. Current odds: 13/2

Cleo Rocos

Cleo was in the Kenny Everett show. Kenny sadly died in 1995, possibly after hearing one of Cleo’s atrocious character voices. They all sound the same as her normal voice! She hasn’t been on telly since 1987! How can she be famous? My dog is better known than she is! Hey, he even does better impressions. Current odds: 8/1

Leo SayerDirk Benedict

The dull one from the A-Team. Still fondly remembered for his world championship double take during the opening credits, when that Battlestar Galactica robot walked past. He has, I think, gone a bit howling mad though, or he’d been sharing Ken’s gin. Current odds: 9/2

There you are then. A veritable ‘who’s that?’ of international glamour and style. This has been a bastard to type. You’re welcome. Jade Goody to win though, eh?

Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Scientifical blockbuster
If I hire Mission Impossible 3 from Blockbuster, will the profits go to the church of scientology directly?

No, all profits from every Hollywood film since Clash of the Titans has been funnelled directly into a foundation that funds scientifical research, from the reanimation of Walt Disney to the study of the indecipherable Matrix Script. Speculation abounds that the film “Armageddon” starring Bruce Willis was in fact a documentary.

Gravitron vs. liars
Is is by chance ‘gravitron the all catching’ that has all these teaspoons…

“Light has been spreading out across the universe ever since the big bang. As the universe increases in size, the light has to fill a larger and larger area, supposedly making it weaker in appearance. This also applies to teaspoons. The frequency of teaspoon sightings on Earth decreases as the universe expands. In more common terms “there aren’t any bloody teaspoons left”.

This obviously isn’t true is it?

Haha, this is what happens when you get pissed up with a reporter, they take anything you say as gospel truth, I was completely misquoted there, what I actually said was the universe is collapsing in on itself and eventually it will be the size of spoon, probably within the next 2 to 3 years.

Bloody hacks.

Today is?
What day is it…???

Why, its “today”, or, depending entirely on your point of view, language and or state of mind it could also be “Yak milk”

Just the job
What can I do to make sure I get this job I’m going for on Monday cos I really, really, really want it????

Its probably too late now but make sure that you wear a single black leather glove, this is scientifically proven to be the best garment to wear at an interview, it makes you look powerful, in control and not afraid to take chances.

Also take my advice regarding your subconscious, fool it into thinking you do not want the job and it will surely help you get what you don’t (but secretly do) want.

Yabba Dabba Do. If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.