Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Blonde Cycle.
What happens during that period in the middle of the washing machine cycle when my machine seems to stop for a wee while and do nothing before and then start doing stuff again?

Have you tried spinning at 1200 rpm for 3 minutes? understandably the washing machine gets very dizzified and needs to stop for what is known by Plumbertists as the Blonde Cycle. This is not because its dizzy (although that would be funny in a 1950’s sort of way) rather it is an acronym for Balance Limit Of New Device Equalization Cycle. It takes approximately 2 minutes for the washer to recover.

Eye beams
When you are sneaking around outside in the dark putting down “f*ck off dog” pellets and spraying your drive with chlorine to stop the neighbours muts from …. anyway when you’re outside at night; how come whenever you look at a house where they’re watching TV with the lights off, the television glow is always blue?

How many times do I have to explain how your sight works before it sinks in? The TV does not send out light, your eye beams retrieve information from the TV and takes them back to your eyes for processing, now, when you can only see a darkened room your internal eye beam translitron merely processes the darkness and adds a blue hue. Just to save further questions this is why the sky and the sea are blue.

Chicken Cream
I had ‘Cream of Chicken soup’ today. How do you get cream out of a chicken?

Just as you need to beat an egg to get it to a creamy consistency the same applies to an adult egg. To get cream out of a chicken you need to beat it off with a stick.

Bose-Einstein condensate
I’ve always been told that when a liquid is heated it changes into a gas. When I boil an egg, however, it solidifies. wtf?

This is because the natural state of an egg is not as previously thought liquid but is in fact, Bose-Einstein condensate (Bose-Einstein condensation or BOC occurs when a gas of atoms is cooled until the de Broglie wavelength of the atoms becomes comparable to the distance between them. The atoms then collapse into the same quantum ground state.) the core temperature of an egg is a minute fraction (billionths of a degree) above absolute freezing. The act of boiling it simply changes the state up to a normal solid, In order to turn an egg into liquid you would need to place it into a JT-60 (JAERI Tokamak-60) reactor and heat it to 520 million degrees Kelvin. Or just drop it, once it cracks it instantly becomes liquid at room temperature, this involves high speed aircraft and is known as the Eggalation effect.

Hey Kids, If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.   

Hits: 0

J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.