Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? 
KevB, Forum

There are 2 plausible answers to this.

The first is that given a chucking distance of 1m (seems reasonable) – and a woodchuck of mass 3.3kg (roughly avr. mass), the maximum energy that this wood chuck could have for throwing wood is:

e=mc2
e=3.3*(3*10^8 )2=2.97*1017

minimum velocity required to chuck a piece of wood 1m :

s=ut+0.5at2
max efficiency at 45 degrees
(1,0)=(2-0.5)(V,V)+0.5(0,-9.8 )(t2);
(2-0.5)=V=0.707
o E=1/2mv2 …looking for m
2.97*1017=0.5*m*(0.7072)

roughly 1*1018 kg of wood could potentially be chucked by a woodchuck operating at maximum efficiency (this is only an approximate maximum limit).

The second answer is more complicated and involves my patented woodchuck wood chucker which is a device currently being used by the East Brazilian Deforestation Company. It exploits the Woodchucks natural predisposition to chuck wood coupled with a hydraulically driven grabber/catapult called the grabberpult. The end result is the woodchuck can chuck approximately 3 square miles of rain forest per hour.

Why do my shoes squeak when it’s wet?
Crag2804, forum

As I have mentioned before, many seemingly mundane objects have intelligence, indeed in the case of the humble shoe it actually has a soul. The ancient Greeks were aware of this and is the reason why the bottom of a shoe is called a heel.

Now, what is not widely know is that shoes are actually allergic to water, the sound you hear is the shoe whimpering in pain.

What is it about women?
Mick, Forum

They are funny breed aren’t they? I have conducted many experiments on women to try to find exactly what makes them tick, what, fundamentally, makes them different to men. There are the obvious differences such as handbags and lipstick various jiggly bits and bods, but I wanted to get under the bonnet, take a peek into the very workings of the female mind.

So I developed the Pysco-analysisotronometer, which works in a similar to X-rays but instead of bones it takes a snap shot of what your brain is thinking about. What I found shook me to the core, over 89% of all female brain activity is dedicated to taking over the world and disposing of all Men. The results are quite incontrovertible.

I have submitted the results to the UN, hopefully a full scale pre-emptive strike will be deployed to these enemies within.

On sign posts it always says things like The South, Darlington 10m, etc. etc. So why do they not say how far it is to “The South”
Gazza, Forum

This is because the distance to The South is constantly changing due to the enormously complicated way the UK government determines where The South is. Basically they tag all the cockney’s and work out where the majority of them are, in ordinary circumstance the majority are in London, however as more Cockney’s emigrate to Spain or the Falklands The South slowly moves further, erm, south.

My name is Miss Lissette Beka, i am 23yrs old lady from Sierra leone, Africa. Please, i have contacted you because of the problem that i am having over claiming my inherited money from a financial institution. I have been asked to get a reliable foriegn partner who can help me and stand for me because i am here as a refugee and it is against the law for a refugee to do such a financial transaction that worths over 2 million dollars.Please, reply back to me if you are willing to help me and i will be glad to give you more details to contact the financial institution for the transaction.

Ah Miss Lissette, you have come to the right place, I will be more than happy to be your “reliable foreign partner” simply reply to this mail with your bank details and a western union check for £100 and I will sort out your problems.

All I wanna do, is Zoom-a-Zoom Zoom Zoom, If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.    

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